Definition: Rebuffed

Years ago, Andrew dated Carla for a short time.

To put it lightly, Andrew was a fucking dick.

A self-confessed drug addict, manipulative liar and unfaithful louse, Andrew unceremoniously dumped Carla for another woman.

Got it so far?

Let’s flash forward six years later.

Through the magnificently intrusive horror we call Facebook, Andrew locates Carla and decides it might be a good time to try and manipulate her emotions once again make amends.

Hence, Andrew carefully dusted off his beloved velvet smoking jacket, lit a fire in the study, and lovingly invited his long hair cat Persicles to nest in his lap as a muse.

Lighting his corn cob pipe, he poured himself a tiny glass of sherry and longingly touched quill pen to parchment, in want of expressing lonely, lost truths.

And there he found it.

His “feelings.”

He pondered what could have been … nay … what should have been.

And then, of course, he composed a vomit-inducing, remarkably self-absorbed ode to his own pain.

Oh, how he hurts.

He wanted to undo what he had once done …

He wanted to right his wrongs …

He wanted to …

Oh, fuck it.

Position your barf bucket.

(click picture for original size)

(It has come to my attention this exchange was stripped from a site called LameBook. Here's their entry:

http://www.lamebook.com/happilee-married

Thanks MG!)

PLFM Quickies: Cat Thoughts

Amy admits she made a very poor decision ten years ago, when she unfortunately agreed to marry a man she met over the internet named Alan.

The relationship seemed somewhat normal for, oh, about a month or so, whereupon Alan suddenly transformed into what Amy calls a “psychotronic nutbot.”

Alan not only threatened to kill Amy, but also repeatedly threatened to kill her beloved cat, Tiss.

Amy quickly divorced his crazy ass, and soon discovered Alan had taken up with another young woman in San Francisco. According to Amy, that poor woman had to fake her own death in order to get away from Alan.

Well, ten years later, guess who decides to send Amy an email out of the blue?

Alan!

So what’s up, Alan?

From: Alan
To: Amy

I started to think about Tiss lately.

I suddenly realize she is getting old.

Yes, I miss her. I just start to worry. Please keep me up to date about her.

Ten years later, and all of the sudden you “miss” a cat that you once repeatedly threatened to kill?

Amy responds:

From: Amy
To: Alan

You threatened to kill her once, why would I send you news about her? If I wanted you in my life or my cat's life, you would hear from me. We are not friends. Stop trying to pretend that we are. I keep every email you send me and blind copy it to someone else so that if I need to get a restraining order I can.

But of course, Alan had to have the last word:

From: Alan
To: Amy

I was nice to you to send you back your stuff. Now you write something like this.

Forget it. Just forget it.

Karma will get you. It starts now.

You are now in my kill file.

Amy adds:

“I haven't heard from him again online, but he showed up at a science fiction convention that I was at and yelled "Pedophile" at me 2-3 times. I have no idea why.”