Saturday, September 5, 2009

Ye Olde Fiancé

Andie developed a certain fascination with British men at a very young age.

Raised on a steady diet of Brit-pop bands like Duran Duran and the British TV series The Adventures of Black Beauty, Andie spent much of her teen years dreaming about someday landing her own version of Simon LeBon.

Now 36 years-old and well past the smarmy influences of her teen years, Andie admits she still gets a bit weak in the knees every time she hears a refined British accent. She hasn't exactly been holding out for a British guy, but her past certainly might help explain her current 500-count pure mutton bedsheets.

Andie's best friend Sarah recently came across a nice looking British gentleman on the popular dating site, so of course Sarah couldn't help but pass along his profile to Andie. Andie didn't belong to, but she perused the gentleman's profile for a few minutes and she certainly liked what she saw.

Simon was a single and successful British construction foreman living in Andie's hometown of Minneapolis, and Simon's profile reflected both his intelligence and a dry, witty sense of humor. He was handsome, and contrary to our American stereotype of the British, his teeth didn't resemble an unkempt picket fence in rural Wyoming. Acting on a whim, Andie joined and fired off a letter of interest to Simon.

Simon quickly responded with his own email, which Andie describes in her letter as "charming, friendly, and non-creepy." And as we all know here on PLFM, that's like getting a visit from the fucking Prize Patrol. Andie and Simon agreed to meet for a brief brunch the following weekend.

"Brief" it was not.

Simon and Andie spent nearly four hours together that morning, flirting and laughing and pretty much carrying on like a bunch of loose-moraled schoolgirls. Simon was much more attractive in person than his online pictures had indicated, and his voice instantly reduced her to a pasty marmalade. "I felt the long forgotten, floaty, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling," says Andie. After breakfast, Simon walked Andie to her car and gave her a hug, followed by a round of passionate kissing that may have thrilled the participants, but likely caused innocent passersby to struggle with their recently ingested shrimp cocktails.

Simon sent her a few cute texts after their date, and called Andie three days later to ask her out again. Their second date went even better than the first, and from that point forward the two became virtually inseparable. Simon eventually confessed he had never felt like this about a woman before, and Andie felt exactly the same way about Simon. "You won't be my girlfriend for long, you know," Simon said with a wry smile, "I'm the marrying kind."

And so we begin a look at one of hundreds of Simon's gushy emails .... a few of which we'll disperse throughout this post.


I hope your back feels better and you didn't work too hard on your day off.

Talking with you this morning was wonderful and it made my Monday morning feel like a Friday afternoon. Thank you!

I am so looking forward to seeing you on Thursday and know that the week will drag until then! Have a great Tuesday!

soppy pic but couldn't help myself (just don't tell anyone I'm a real softy, ok?)

If you ever wonder how the United States defeated the British Army in 1776, the last part of that email might help explain it. Softies.

In the ensuing weeks, Simon and Andie enjoyed romantic dinners and spent an endless string of passionate nights together. They took long walks in the park, and Simon happily introduced Andie to his beloved dog Rugby. Andie had never felt so much passion for a man in her life. They went on shopping sprees together, with Simon even footing the bill for a $500 trip to Victoria's Secret as the accompanying receipt attests:


My dearest Andie,

It is six days since I first got to sit with you and look into your beautiful eyes as we shared ourselves with each other. Somehow, within that short time span, saying "my" in front of your name seems so natural and right!

I adore hearing your "hi honey" when you answer the phone. In my mind I can see your smile as we are talking. I hear the genuine excitement in your voice and a passion for life in your words. I know that when I see you today all of these things will be intensified immensely.

You already know that I like to be an open book when it comes to my emotions. In that spirit I want you to know that I adore you with a passion! The mere thought of you and the way your words lodge in my soul make my heart pound and enhances me as a person beyond measure. Your touch last Friday was so intense to me that it stays with me even now.

As we spend time together I want you to know that you can hold these promises as true:
1.) I will never hold back my feelings (good or bad).
2.) I will never lie to you! (no matter what).
3.) I will always treat you with respect, even in the throws of a heated discussion.
4.)I will always respect your wishes and opinions (I rely on you to articulate what they are!)

On a lighter note, the following rules apply:
1.) First and foremost you are a princess and will be treated as such at all times.
2.) Affection and passion will accompany my every action towards you.
3.) I am an Englishman and need my tea!
4.) Never, ever finish a day angry or upset with each other.

The final and golden rule is to put passion in every moment spent together. One life to live - love every minute of it.

You are an amazing woman and I am so thankful and in a constant state of wonder that you make me want to write everything I have here and more and perhaps that is why calling you "my Andie" is so soul calming, heart-racing right!

Simon x

1:45am P.S. Darling, we have just finished our call of 1 hour and 40 minutes and I find myself wishing that I had ended by telling you that despite all conventional wisdom that I love you and am in love with you. Good night my beautiful, wonderful you.

After soiling the entirety of Andie's new lingerie collection in a matter of six weeks, Simon asked Andie to start looking for a wedding dress suitable for a romantic beach wedding ceremony. Andie admits she was cautious, but she couldn't resist her feelings for Simon- he was exactly the type of man she had spent her entire life searching for. She was simply living a dream she'd had since childhood. "I only have one question for you," Simon stated, "gold- or platinum?"


You ever need or want to follow your dreams my love, just ask for.

I will move heaven and earth to to get and give it to you. you are amazing and I see in your passion for both what you do to earn money now and in the future wealth of your writing great potential and remember that you have already achieved the greatest heights in both.

The rest of the world just hasn,t caught on yet

I love you my dearest love and long to have you in my arms again

Your ever loving


As the relationship progressed, Simon even took Andie to a house he had hired his construction company to refurbish for them as a couple, and told her of his plans to purchase another cottage back home in Brighton, England, right next to the home of his family.


Whenever you get this know that with every fiber of my being I love you. Thank you for an amazingly beautiful day yesterday and a soul quenching night.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Your simon xxx ooo xxx

Exactly two months into their relationship, Andie found herself preparing for yet another romantic date with Simon when the phone suddenly rang. Andie picked up the phone to find a hysterical Simon.

Rugby, Simon's beloved dog, had run into the street and was struck violently by a passing car. Rugby suffered serious injuries, and Simon didn't know if the dog would survive. He was rushing Rugby to an emergency animal hospital 45 minutes away, and he had to cancel their date for the evening. Rugby would obviously need several major surgeries, and Simon promised to call her with an update as soon as he found out the extent of his dog's injuries.

Andie completely understood, and told Simon to just worry about his dog.

Andie hung up the phone, and never heard Simon's voice again.


He didn't answer his phone, his texts, or his emails. It was as if he had simply vanished from the face of the earth.

Three days later Andie's phone rang. Frantic with worry, Andie rushed to answer but, unfortunately, it wasn't Simon. Rather, the caller asked if Andie had seen or heard from Simon lately. Thinking it was Simon's employer, Andie explained the harrowing phone call and the injuries to Rugby, but no, she hadn't heard from him since his trip to the emergency vet. Perhaps, she wondered, had the caller heard of any new information?

The caller provided Andie with plenty of new information.

"Simon is my husband, " said the voice on the other end of the phone.

Andie initially felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, immediately followed by a sudden urge to purchase a novelty t-shirt on eBay featuring a lollipop and the word "Sucker" printed in an extra large font.

"I guess Simon wasn't lying when he said he was the marrying kind," says Andie.

Some might also suggest he wasn't lying when he said "I will never lie to you!", but rather Simon simply forgot to include the crucial modifier " .. unless words are coming out of my mouth."

Simon wasn't single.

And Rugby wasn't hurt.

In fact, Simon's wife pointed out that Rugby was in fact her dog, and he was sitting right there in the living room as they spoke, probably licking an asshole that tasted remarkably like Simon.

The house in Minneapolis? Horse shit.

Cottage in Brighton? Nope.

His apartment? Nope. His friend Scott's.

Gold or Platinum? "Lead," Andie might now say, imagining a large target focused on a certain pair of gamy British testicles.

As it turns out, Andie was simply the caboose car in a long train of girlfriends Simon had hidden from his wife during their seven years of marriage. His wife only figured it out in Year 5.

Adds Andie:

I am 36 years old, I've had several long-term relationships, and I go on a lot of dates. I'm not a dumb kid; I have considerable experience with men.

I am also cynical by nature. The fact that this guy was able to snow me so completely is a testament to how good he is at what he does (basically he's a professional bullshitter).

I fell for him immediately, (not something I am prone to do, cynical as I am). I ignored my instincts and let my hormones and emotions take over. Never a good idea.

But of course, our story doesn't end there.

Simon abruptly abandoned his precious dog adorable relationship prop and his wife of seven years and fled the country to England, his genitals firmly wrapped in a custom-made protective casing not unlike one you might find on your favorite specialty sausage.

A few months after Andie last spoke to Simon, she received a call from a woman in England asking about a man named "Simon."

The British woman had recently met a man named "Simon" in her local pub, where he worked as a waiter. The two started dating immediately, and after professing his undying love for her, "Simon" ended up moving into the carriage house behind her property. Simon was starting a business at the time, and had asked his new girlfriend to front $30,000 in seed money to help him get his company off the ground. She agreed to invest in his business, and seriously, does the author of this blog really need to finish typing that story?

Heartbroken and devastated after he disappeared, the British woman began researching Simon's past and tracked down several of Simon's ex-girlfriends, including Andie. "He's a con artist. He uses some women for sex, and some for money," she told Andie.

Andie had posted pictures of Simon on her blog, including the very picture we featured today here on PLFM. The British woman recognized Andie; Simon had posted her photo on the wall of the carriage house, explaining "She's my friend from the United States."

We'll let a remorseful Andie wrap it up:

So while I feel like complete shit, at least I am wearing fantastic underwear. Also, I have a plethora of hot little negligees for any future boy toys to enjoy (and they will, believe me).

He also bought me a new TV, a bunch of meals, drinks, coffees, the dress I am wearing in the photo at the beginning of this post, and a little playhouse for my cats. Another positive thing Shit Stain--I mean Simon-- did was pay my July rent.

The final positive Simon did for me was to give me a chance to warn the citizens of the Twin Cities and--hell, the entire world--to watch out for this fucker. If you see him, give him a good punch in the nuts for me, and, for the love of all things holy, DO NOT believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

If he tells you 2 + 2 = 4, check his facts.

I can also take comfort in these words of wisdom from the esteemed poet Bono: Instant karma's gonna get him, if I don't get him first.

I know this much is true.

Take a good look at Simon in our headline photo ladies, and remember that face.

We'd also like to hear from some of the other women duped by this guy, as I'm hoping some of them will find their way to PLFM.

And if you see him out in public in Minneapolis, Brighton, or anywhere else, feel free to launch the sole side of your shoe directly into his balls for Andie.

If you've been duped by a married guy online or through a dating site for singles only and can prove it to PLFM with emails, send us an email and the story behind it.

If you've been duped by a married man, feel free to fess up anonymously in the comments if you want.

If you got your sweet revenge, even better.

(You can find Andie's blog and a brief write-up of her experience at