Monday, August 31, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Snoop

Caitlin was raised in a fundamentalist Christian household and admits upfront to PLFM that she had very little experience dealing with men until her college years.

Of course, we're not saying Caitlin was completely unfamiliar with boys; Caitlin actually dated a guy named Larry for a while, but Larry also had a fundamentalist Christian background, and refused to hug Caitlin because he felt it was "too physical" and "would cause sin" in the eyes of God. So, in retrospect, I guess we are saying she was completely unfamiliar with boys.

Unfortunately for Larry, the overworked and underpaid estrogen glands in Caitlin's ovaries began to threaten a body-wide mutiny unless they started getting some serious non-Christian action. Larry and Caitlin amicably went about their separate ways, leaving Caitlin free to venture out into the world and whore it up in the hugging department.

Team Estrogen 1, Jesus 0.

After her breakup with Larry, Caitlin got together with another fundamentalist Christian man named Daniel, who was a family friend and fellow university student. Daniel was charming and handsome, and more than willing to provide Caitlin with hugs and more. Caitlin and Daniel became an item soon after Caitlin's arrival at school, and from there we begin our brief and ugly journey into Caitlin's first real relationship with a man, followed immediately by her first attempt at seeking a form of government protection against him.

In the beginning, Caitlin and Daniel's relationship was all kittens and rainbows. Daniel was kind and gentle, and he had one of those playful, ham-hock type asses that most women might generously applaud had he suddenly decided to scurry up a nearby tree. Daniel always went out of his way to make Caitlin happy, and Caitlin enjoyed his affectionate manner.

But that all changed when Caitlin had some difficulty setting up some of her computer accounts with the university, and Daniel, a computer science major, generously offered to step in and help Caitlin establish her new IM and email accounts. Caitlin appreciated Daniel's generosity, and took a back seat as Daniel spent a few hours fiddling around on her computer. Gosh, what a nice guy!*

*unless you keep reading

What Caitlin didn't know was that Daniel also conveniently decided to install a port that automatically transferred the entire content of Caitlin's instant messaging conversations to his own personal computer. Daniel began monitoring who she was talking to, and what she was talking about.

Caitlin didn't discover Daniel's antics until about a month later, when Caitlin logged into a private online diary she kept on a computer in her home. Daniel had made a crucial error in hiding his tracks; namely, after hacking into her computer, he decided to leave his own commentary in her personal diary. After reading through Caitlin's private thoughts, Daniel left his own entry and berated her for not sharing her feelings with him. Daniel concluded his entry with the following statement:

"I know I've really complicated things by reading this and for that I am sorry... If I don't hear from you, I'll take it as a sign things are over."

Caitlin was mortified her jackass of a boyfriend had hacked into her computer and read her personal diary. Before she could even absorb what had just transpired, Caitlin stepped out into the hallway and found Daniel waiting for her, twiddling his thumbs and whistling innocently while looking up at the sky. We'll let Caitlin describe what happened next:

"I was still so dazed I didn't know how to react and he somehow managed to get me to stay. I really don't remember how. But he was good at pitching emotional fits to get me to react to him and pay attention. Plus, forgiveness is always good, right? A fundamentalist background doesn't prepare one for dating in ways other than making a hug into some sort of sexual sin.

That said, I REALLY should have known better."

PLFM will now allow our readers a few moments for low-pitched groans and light eye-rolling.


It's OK Caitlin, we understand. You had to learn the hard way. A lot of us do.

Caitlin and Daniel resumed their relationship and dated throughout the rest of the semester. At the conclusion of the semester, Caitlin began a summer research internship in another state. Over the course of her internship, Caitlin made a remarkable transformation in her life: She began to question the principles and beliefs of fundamentalist Christians. She'd expressed her reservations about religion to Daniel before, but now, away from the cacophony of religious zealots in her immediate environment, Caitlin was free to examine her own thoughts about her religious upbringing.

Caitlin ultimately decided it was all a bunch of nonsense. Secure and confident in her decision, Caitlin completed a full and immediate transition to "atheist," and called Daniel to deliver the news.

Daniel exploded when he heard Caitlin no longer believed in God, and reached deep into his arsenal of emotionally manipulative tricks to change Caitlin's mind. First, he tried his screaming and ranting routine, which failed miserably. Defeated, he moved on to Phase II, the "crying hysterically" routine, which Caitlin had already seen one too many times from Daniel. Phase III was the ever-popular "silent treatment with arms crossed" move perfected by resilient 6 year-olds the world over, and when that ultimately failed, Daniel moved on to Phase IV.

Daniel unequivocally terminated their relationship because Caitlin had denounced God.

Daniel said he never wanted to hear from Caitlin again, and immediately blocked her from instant messaging him. But of course that didn't mean Caitlin would never hear from Daniel again, because he continually called and messaged her, crying and weeping, and generally coating Caitlin's keyboard and phone receiver with a thick, viscous solution of spittle, phlegm and random Bible verses.

So we got that folks?

Daniel dumped Caitlin.

Got it? Let's say it as a group:


Now, Caitlin was a little bit upset her relationship had ended, but really it was more like the way you might feel when your two-year contract with Sprint Mobile ends. Although she was having a great time away from Daniel, he kept haranguing her to re-connect their internet messaging program to talk "as friends." Caitlin finally relented and agreed to re-connect with him, as long as they remained friends ONLY.

Daniel then sent the following email after he broke up with her:


This is the easiest way to re-add you. Just reply with something.

I'm sorry about tonight. My feelings for you have changed and I don't know how to relate to you anymore, especially when I come away frustrated every time we talk even though I don't know what I wanted in the first place. I just don't know anything anymore and I can't trust anything I thought I once knew. Things have been pushed back to the beginning and I don't know if I want to even try to build them back up, but of course I don't know why. I know I must not be making any sense at all.

I'm also wondering what you think. You said that you see me as a friend and I'm not quite sure how to take that. In one way, I'm almost hurt you were able to release your feelings that easily, if you ever had them at all. I can guess at this point you'll be pretty annoyed that I don't believe you, but I don't see how I can believe you. I did trust you, but I can't anymore, not after what happened. You shattered my trust at a very very deep level. I just don't know what to think.

Now you're most likely looking over this with unemotional eyes picking holes in the things I say and you'll give me back something akin to a red marked paper with a bad grade at the end and a note to do better next time. You seem to be jumping to conclusions with the things I say a lot more lately.



Yeah, Caitlin, you big trust-shatterer. Illegally recording someone's personal conversations and hacking into their computer to read their personal thoughts is one thing, but expressing your true feelings to a loved one? What a fucking travesty! Shame on you!

Caitlin immediately began to regret allowing Daniel to instant message her again. Over the next few weeks, Daniel sent Caitlin numerous missives regarding her internship. His favorite topics included:

1. How can Caitlin no longer believe in God?

2. Was Caitlin fucking those reckless, drunk college kids that didn't believe in God?

3. Most importantly, was Caitlin enjoying fucking all the guys she was working with, or just fucking some of them?

4. When fucking them, in what style was she fucking them, how often was she fucking them, and what were her personal feelings regarding her free-for-all fuck-a-thon of an internship?

As Caitlin's internship came to a close, Daniel knew Caitlin would return to school, so eased up on his questioning in anticipation of her return.

Upon her return, Daniel went right back into boyfriend mode. Although he had dumped her, he constantly questioned all her relationships with her male co-workers, complained endlessly that she wasn't spending enough time with him, and repeatedly accused her of getting pregnant during her internship. "That guy even got jealous of my homework," says Caitlin. She quickly tired of his endless harassment, and began to avoid him at all costs.

A week or so after Caitlin returned from her internship, Caitlin's sister was scheduled to be baptized in a local river, and Daniel was invited to the ceremony in order to take photographs for the family. He also attended the reception afterwards, where Daniel became insanely jealous of Larry, Caitlin's "no hug" ex-boyfriend who had the nerve to strike up a conversation with Caitlin.

Then suddenly, Daniel disappeared.

A few hours later, Daniel re-appeared and asked Caitlin if she wanted to come with him to a party where everyone planned on playing a game called "sardines." "It's like hide-and-seek in the dark," he said, "and at the end, everyone's squished together in one place!" Needless to say, at this point Caitlin preferred to cuddle with actual sardines. She refused his offer.

Later that evening, Caitlin's phone rang. She recognized the number as Daniel's, but no name came up on her cellphone screen. As it turns out, when Daniel had gone missing at the party, he had actually gone inside and found Caitlin's cellphone and deleted the entirety of her call logs and some of her stored cellphone numbers.

Furious, Caitlin didn't answer her phone, so Daniel proceeded to call her obsessively on both Caitlin's cellphone and her home phone. Caitlin's exasperated mother finally answered and told him he was no longer welcome in their home, nor was he to attempt to contact Caitlin again.

Of course, Daniel then immediately sent Caitlin an email, to which Caitlin responded:

I am not talking to you, it is not negotiable.

Daniel responded to Caitlin's email with yet another email:


I'm really distressed and confused right now so I hope this makes sense. I'm going to assume this has something to do with me deleting myself from your phone. I was using XXXXXX's phone when I called your house and had a really bad connection. I couldn't hear your mother hardly at all so I hung up and went looking for another phone. When I tried again no one answered.

You really can't take a joke can you. I've done things to my friends phones before like, delete myself, change their banner, background image or things like that. I intended it to be taken like you goof now add it back. You seem to have taken it completely wrong, like I did it maliciously. If I had been malicious wouldn't I have deleted XXXXXX's, or XXXXX's or XXXXXX's number instead of my own?

I will admit I was a little bit annoyed with you. You seemed to be spending quite a bit of time with Larry and just barely saying anytime to me. Now there were a lot of explanations for this so I wasn't going to jump to conclusions and was going to bring up the issue later.

Seriously, that is what I was going to do. I was also going to ask you what you thought about your sister getting baptized, but I was going to leave all those questions for a later time. My hope was that you were happy for your sister and that it could be a happy day for you seeing people and celebrating your sister's baptism. I seem to have unknowingly destroyed that.

As I said before I was a little annoyed with you when I left. That's why I ignored you at first. Then I realized I wasn't thinking of you again and came back. As far as your "I'm tired" for not wanted to come that evening. I believed you, you did look tired.


Once again, Caitlin did not respond, yet was forced to later in the day when Daniel arrived at her place of employment to discuss why Caitlin was not responding to his emails or phone calls.

Caitlin again thoroughly explained why she was through with Daniel's habitual boundary and privacy violations, and was concerned because Daniel was obviously having issues with continued contact despite her repeated requests to stay away. She walked right past him and left, once again instructing him not to contact her anymore.

Undeterred, Daniel sent Caitlin another email that evening apologizing for his behavior, followed by yet another email the following evening.


You looked horrible today. Like something was really bothering you. Now I'm not going to even attempt to figure out what that is, but I did want you to know that no matter what happens I still care for you and always have even if it doesn't always seem that way. I'll be praying for you.


Says Caitlin:

"I was not bothered at all that day until this email showed up, I was having a great day, fun classes, hanging out with normal friends, beautiful day out etc......."

The next day, Daniel decided to corner Caitlin on campus after one of her classes. Caitlin told him to leave her the fuck alone and tried to hurry away, but Daniel relentlessly followed her and Caitlin's classmate all the way to her next class. When they arrived, Daniel pulled out a CD and threw it on Caitlin's desk. "Here's your baptism pictures."

Another email followed:


I still wonder if you know how cruel you're being? Are you not aware that your actions are cruel or do you know and still keep doing them? The Caitlin I know wouldn't do something intentionally cruel.

It still doesn't make sense that you went from smiling to the coldest I've seen. That isn't you. What happened? You're not one for quick decisions, but from my view you did this time. Now you must have yourself in quite a mess. To go back you would have to admit to yourself and everyone involved that you were wrong in your actions. The you I know would have at least told me what was going on and then told me what you were going to do about it. Instead you completely severed everything with no explanation, why?

And in case you were wondering, it does hurt. I'm not sure if that brings you joy to see me hurting, but it's the truth. To see someone that I dearly care for treat me like this it does hurt, but the truth is I still do care even though you are treating me the way you are.


Again Caitlin didn't respond, so this time Daniel barreled into one of Caitlin's classes to harass her about not taking his calls or answering his emails. Caitlin repeatedly asked Daniel to leave the room, but he refused. She physically tried to push him out the door, but he still refused to leave. Finally, a classmate came to Caitlin's aid and instructed Daniel that he was to leave the grounds immediately.

Daniel refused to leave until Caitlin returned the CD of baptism pictures he had given her, so Caitlin happily returned his CD as Daniel was escorted out of the room. "I really didn't want to put the CD on my computer anyway," says Caitlin, "for fear of viruses or other Trojan stuff he could have put on it."

Caitlin then received her final email before the school finally took action against Daniel.


This is so ridiculous as to almost be funny. You stop communications with me and never tell me why and when I attempt to ask I get something like I'm not talking to you and leave me alone. This has got to be the worst way to handle a situation I've ever seen. Seriously I have no idea what this accomplishes other than people getting hurt. What am I supposed to do? Figure out what I did out of thin air? I always thought of you as a logical person, but where's the logic in this?


After several weeks, Caitlin had finally had enough. She prepared a large folder of Daniel's emails and took them to university officials and explained the entire situation to them. His constant harassment, his continuous and baseless accusations of her sleeping around even though they were no longer together, his insane jealousy and his inability to cease contacting her despite her repeated requests.

The university called Daniel in, and informed him he was to have absolutely no further contact with Caitlin.

And to this day, Caitlin hasn't heard a peep out of Daniel.

But, of course, we'll let her finish him off.......

"For the next 8 months every time he saw me on campus sidewalk he'd give me a Nazi salute and say "Heil Hitler!" He did it loud enough for me to hear, so if he was a ways away it would be yelled. Once when I was reading outside with a good view of several sidewalks I noticed that he went out of his way to go past me so he could give me the salute from closer. Oh well. The rest of the student body must have thought he was a Neo-Nazi or something."

Smooth, Daniel.

Very smooth.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Heather began her career in blogging several years ago, and over time she built up quite a respectable fan base. Heather was relatively familiar with most of her readers, so when a man named Martin began posting comments to her website about seven months ago, she recognized he was a new visitor to her blog.

Exactly seven months later, Martin would be in jail and Heather was living on a friend's couch.

From the outset Martin began to post comments to Heather's blog pretty consistently, if not obsessively. Even as her traffic ebbed and flowed, she could always count on Martin leaving at least one comment for every single post. She didn't think much of it initially, and figured he was just some odd character with way too much time on his hands.

But as the months passed, Martin began to send Heather personal emails, usually to expand upon the comments he had posted to her blog. Heather wasn't too fond of corresponding with her readers via email, but she answered a few of his questions out of common courtesy.

Three months after Martin found Heather's website, Heather attended a blogging conference to network with other bloggers and catch up on some new technology. Upon arrival at the conference, she was approached by a short, balding man with wire rim glasses. He knew Heather's real name, which took Heather by surprise. No one knew her real name, nor anything else about her for that matter, as she had long ago taken some rather extreme measures to protect her identity.

The short man then introduced himself.

His name was Martin, which immediately rung a bell with Heather.

It's that guy.

Heather was a bit perturbed this strange little man had actually come to a networking conference to meet her, but she stood politely as Martin asked her a few questions about her blog and her taste in music. After a brief and polite conversation, Martin indicated he had bought a few gifts for Heather. Heather explained she felt uncomfortable accepting gifts from a stranger, but Martin shrugged it off and left her gifts in a conference room.

Martin left, and Heather joined the conference in progress feeling somewhat confident she would never have to deal with Martin again.

And here we go.

Heather returned home from the conference and found her email inbox packed with emails from Martin. His correspondence had suddenly taken a turn toward personal subjects, and became largely incoherent and rambling. Heather answered a few of them, but as she progressed she realized she may as well have been writing emails to a sea lion. Disturbed, she sat down and wrote a post for her website about "obsessive fans," hoping he might get a clue and stop.

It backfired. Very badly.

Martin took it as a tutorial and absolutely deluged Heather with emails.

Heather blocked Martin from posting to her website and immediately stopped reading Martin's emails, instead filing them directly into a separate folder. Only a few days later, Heather's email server seized up. Heather checked into the problem, and found Martin had inundated her server with so many emails and music files that her server had simply shut down.

Frustrated and confused, she began to check what Martin had written in his emails.

What she found did not bode well for her.


And i bring good news. i have seen your waving hand from the abyss and bought a new modem from another provider so i can get online from home. i think i can now leave comments on your blog again :)))))

do not feel bad about anything. I like that I hvae to WORK fore this (i know you have done your best to give me acess but not even you could do that) because now i can repay you for the geneva mails you sent me from abroad 4 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been so troubled (and that virus was not from you, I know that 100 %!). this is sent from my new provider's email account. and it was the IP address which was blocked (and i am so happy that it was the IP address you did not like and not ME)

You still have many filters so my yahoo and gamil accounts do not work. You are guarding your body so well, my sun. But it is certainly also worth looking after!!!!!!!

And i will now send mail that bounced earlier tonight from my other accounts. so let's take a technical tea-break :)))))))))))))))"


Apparently Martin had concluded Heather was now in love with him.

In fact, Martin now referred to Heather as his "sun." Everything Heather wrote on her website related directly to Martin in some way, and her recent silence was now only a "test of his love." Martin knew this because Heather had arranged "secret puzzles" in her blog entries that spoke to Martin and Martin only, and he had been quite busy lately trying to decipher her "puzzles."

And the emails kept rolling in ...


Thank you for bridging gaps. A bridge can say so much. It has meant a lot to me.

And so I want to say that right now things are as when we met. No more. No less. We are both a little wiser, perhaps. I like that.

I'd really like to be able to comment on your blog again. Just like before we started mirroring. I want you to blog like you did before we met. Without all these constant hints and puzzles.

You are really good at these puzzles. You would make a great novelist. I think I have found most of your hints and puzzles - both the good and the bad ones. I can now laugh at your jokes again. Thank you for your TRUST and BELIEF that I can "get" them. Your thoughts are very advanced and I'm happy i understand you. But I spend a lot of time trying to "get" them.

I think we are now both standing exactly where we stood when we met except apart. Maybe we should meet again - has your sun started working so you can burn some sunshine?

In the future, please do not leave anymore puzzles for me on the blog. Have a lovely day with much sun!!!!!"


Now unable to contact Heather, Martin somehow located her home address and began loitering in local parks and grocery stores in an attempt to catch Heather out in public.


Yes, I know I sent you a longshot invitation in my thoughts. So I spent the day in the botanical garden waiting for my thoughts to reach you.

The sun was burning in there :)))))))

I was thinking about my life and what i know for certain about my life right now, i mean WHAT I KNOW and that is that we will be together and i will give the two of us the best chance ever amd we both deserve that!

And you are as right as ever. The Botinical gardens are very charming but I forget they are there. No longer, of course.

I understand why you are so hesitant towards me. i mean, you have so many prejudices to fight. But i have said this earlier. I FORGIVE YOU (FOR) EVERYTHING.

I hope you will show up soon because i am getting tired of walking around your parks waiting for you. So many people are there. Not that they are wrong people BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE RIGHT PERSON!!!!!"


Thankfully, Heather's "thought" phone was temporarily out of service.

For whatever reason, Martin also conjured up the idea that Heather had a wooden leg, and he frequently encouraged her to be open about it.


I never thought i'd write to you about this because the topic is so important that it need not be written.

I noticved your little game on the blog the other day and your reaction when "peg leg" was mentioned. I did not even notice it when we met but now I know. But i still will not notice it the next time we meet.

I DO NOT CARE that you have a peg leg because i look at the whole person whether they are family-friebds-colleagues-or girlfriends :) So i did not join in the debate and think that the response to the peg leg was .. primitive. Unlike YOU!

If you do have a peg-leg the only difference it makes is that you become all that more interesting and you are already interesting :)I wanted to say this to you in person but you get it in writing :(I hope you are better and not troubled and have been out in the sun :)))


Despite being quite a few croutons short of a salad, Martin was remarkably adept in locating Heather's personal information, as noted below ...


I tracked you to Hmm, did you call yourself XXXXX xxxxx once and studied teaching in XXXXXX?

I don't know. I never answered you. My computer broke down and I lost your mails. In panic I tried to recue your mails but that only made matters worse. Perhaps I am off target? I have been thinking about your mails for a long time.

When we met in the coffee shop I already knew when I pressed your hand that we would have excellent fun and we did.. It was like meeting an old friend OR SOMETHING. It has to be Ying-Yang. Hmmm.. The sun has been burning inside me .. god, I must sound half crazy. But actually I feel relieved. I have been paralysed most of the day. Skipped work to come home and write you this letter and mail you the music.

Perhaps you are really pissed off and not playing hard to .. ?? No. But in that case .. anyway.

I sent you You Do the song to tell you that if you ever have a nervous breakdown i will be there for you and take good care of you. It also says that i want you to break down. I mean it when i say I will be there for you because you have something that most other people do not.


Once Martin started sending marriage proposals to Heather, Heather filed an order of harassment with her local police department.

Then, of course, Martin started showing up on her doorstep.

Martin was arrested, and deeming him dangerous, the police advised Heather to stay with friends until Martin was admitted to a psychiatric facility.

We'll let Heather close it out.

"I think I was a very very random target for Martin. It was never about *me* because he had no idea who I was. I met him once while surrounded by other people and even then I was conscious of being there as a blogger, not as *me*. I have since moved country - almost continent - and I've stopped looking over my shoulder to see if Martin is walking behind me."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

PLFM Wastebasket

Folks, we originally intended to post a serious entry and a humorous entry today, but after spending all day yesterday whipping out our comedy post, the backstory fell apart and we discovered some new information that negated the entire post.

It happens, and it sucks.

Thank you PLFM reader PS for dealing with my annoying and continuous questions.

Luckily, reader JH sent me an interesting piece tonight to replace our original comedy piece.

I think you've all seen this type of guy before ladies, so get out your clam buckets and assume the position. Guys, don't ever be this guy. You may as well pack your balls in a block of cheese and march into a valley with a pan flute.

Now, I don't have any backstory on this piece as it was published on Craigslist (Chicago), but I think PLFM contributor JH summed it up best in her email:

"I saw this on missed connections on craigslist. This guy wrote a fucking novel about how this girl stopped talking to him. I can only imagine its because he's pathetic. He asked questions like 'Why are you so afraid to show any weakness?' and standard PLFM 'You clearly don't want my friendship, you don't care about me as a person at all'. Of course he goes on for much longer about how lame he is and why she clearly stopped talking to him. Its classic: sad, pathetic and totally psychotic."

Well said JH.

We're going to call it "How To 100% Guarantee You Will Never Have Sex With Your Ex-Girlfriend Again."

Hit it!

Before I left, you wanted to meet up with me. So we met up, and had dinner. Before this, we had met up a few times,. for breakfast, to the thrift store, and at your friends on the 4th. Before I left for my trip, I became very frustrated and upset. You told me that it was about me, that you were going to come see me if I wanted.

But ultimately you revealed that you wanted to see me. You also made little white lies about feeling better and doing "fun" things, like watching the fireworks which you actually didn't do. You were staying up real late at your place alone feeling bad. Why did you have to put up some kind of front to make yourself look better? Why are you so afraid to show any weakness? Why do you allow your pride to take over your ability to be real and have a meaningful conversation with someone who truly loved you? Was it some kind of sick game, a way to get back at me before I left?

See you had labeled me and my behavior incorrectly, and when we talked that night we both felt better. You actually opened up and we shared something meaningful. You had made me feel like shit by acting proud of the fact that I got upset in front of your friends because I still love you.

It was sick and I wanted to hate you, but you wouldn't let me. You told me, "I don't hate you" so we talked. You made a big effort to see that I wouldn't harbor any hard feelings against you.

But when I came back, things changed. It was a completely different behavior. You ignored me, denied me and it killed me. You don't even know how much.

But then I find out that you went on a trip. You didn't want me to interfere with your little vacation, you wouldn't allow even a hello and goodbye. And you do this in the name of "protecting" yourself. What are you protecting yourself from? Your life? Your life as you knew it? Are you protecting yourself from a feeling that you no longer wish to have for somebody you want to forget about?

I'm not a machine, I can't erase my memory or feeling after a couple of weeks. And if anything, I spiraled. I fell into such a dark place and you ignored me.

You were out east, I found out in a very strange situation. How am I supposed to feel? You say that you don't hate me, but the only thing you're doing is pushing away everything. You clearly don't want my friendship, you don't care about me as a person at all. It's so sad to see, to see how I fell into it. And you try and convince yourself that you're right because you don't have to deal with my "passive aggressiveness".

But honestly, that's a projection of yourself. "Oh hi.." Yeah, ok great, yeah I'm glad to hear from you.. I'm eating a sandwich, I don't care about your vacation, leave me the fuck alone.

I'm so ashamed that I believed you so much and that I fell for you so hard. I don't know what kind of satisfaction you get from all of this. I've never hard heartbreak like this before but I don't know what you want to believe... I think you don't want to believe.

I know you tried hard, and we had our ups and our downs. I want to heal, I really do but it's so hard to do when I feel like I have been led to believe in something that wasn't real. We had a good conversation before I left, you told me you didn't hate me... How am I supposed to heal when you ignore me like you hate me?

I've done so many things recently, had some good times and bad. It's just amazing to see how it all ended and to see my fears come true. Your friends look at me like a stranger and apparently I guess that's what I am now. Is this really about protecting yourself? What are you trying to protect yourself from?

I know I had a void in my life, and it was something that I needed to fill.. So I'm writing and going to record soon. When you have a void, you seem to have this pattern.. I was afraid of it and I guess you're better off now. I don't care if you've moved on to someone new. Isn't that whats supposed to happen? But you told me that you were always going to be there for me, that you'd still be my friend.

I just don't understand anything anymore. I really don't. I don't know why it's so hard to extend the courtesy of talking to someone that you loved and who loved you. We shared so many things and you can try as hard as you'd like to deny it but you can never take it back.

So there you go.

One large stack of "It's Your Fault" pancakes, and a nice coating of guilt syrup to finish it off.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Unhappy Endings

For most of us, the phrase "happy ending" generally refers to the climactic resolution of a story or feature film, where the protagonist realizes the glorious fruits of their labor whilst the antagonist suffers painful retribution for their previous wrongdoing.

For practitioners of massage therapy however, the term "happy ending" has an entirely different connotation, one that unfortunately does not imply the distribution of cake. Rather, a "happy ending" refers to the practice of masturbating a male to completion at the end of his massage session, creating not only a very satisfied customer, but also a boon for the absorbent paper towel industry.

While both highly illegal and unfair to trees, the practice of providing "happy endings" has become so pervasive in the massage industry that many men actually come to expect "happy endings" at the completion of their therapy sessions, making life quite difficult for a hard-working woman like Kami.

Kami runs a very successful massage therapy practice in her hometown, yet despite her hectic schedule and stellar reputation, she still finds herself repeatedly dealing with what she calls "the nastiest dregs of society."

Or what we might more commonly refer to as "those creepy dudes looking for handjobs."

A licensed massage therapist, Kami charges $60 an hour for her services and usually receives a sizable gratuity on top of her hourly fee. She maintains a website to promote her practice, and conducts most of her business through an advertised cellphone number.

While most men request Kami's services solely for medical or relaxation purposes, Kami regularly receives texts and phone calls inquiring as to whether Kami provides "happy endings" for her clients. She does not, and she no longer finds herself shocked when new clients actually become outraged when she doesn't supply such a service.

Kami recently began receiving texts from a potential new client named David. As with most new clients, Kami generally expects a few back-and-forth pleasantries and questions before the client finally decides to schedule an appointment. David took these friendly texts to a whole new level however, sending Kami a number of increasingly bone-headed questions throughout the day.

Kami eventually realized David was just looking for some conversation, so she cut David short by informing him that it was getting late, she was about to go home, and she was pretty much through answering his dumbass questions. Was he coming in or not?

David informed Kami that he had no money, but suggested Kami provide a free massage out of "the goodness of her heart."

Kami initially thought he was joking, but soon realized he was absolutely serious. When Kami told David that she did not provide her time nor her services out of "the goodness of her heart," David became extremely offended, feeling their day-long exchange of texts now constituted a friendship, and "friends shouldn't charge each other to do things."

For those of you counting, that now makes two extremely unpersuasive arguments in a row by David.

Kami firmly established she would not provide any services to David free of charge, so David instead decided to ask Kami out to dinner. Kami of course declined, realizing most restaurants don't serve their customers out of the "goodness of their hearts" either.

The next day, David began texting Kami again. Kami has countless clients named "David" saved in her cellphone, so she didn't realize this was the exact same David she had spoken with the day before. Kami initially treated David politely, having built a rather strong tolerance for the river of creeps overflowing her cellphone with requests for sexual services.

After taking a couple of texts she figured out this was indeed the David from yesterday, so Kami inquired as to whether he actually planned on coming in and scheduling an appointment, or if he just planned on texting her annoying correspondence all day. When David stalled on scheduling an appointment, Kami informed David she had a very busy schedule to attend to and no further time to discuss the specifics of her therapy sessions with David; she was very busy and needed to focus on her existing clients.

Sure enough, David came right back at Kami requesting another free massage:

David: Like I said, I'm broke. And I don't want the police to break in in the middle of my massage and tell me I'm under arrest for something else lol

Kami: Why would the police break in. You get arrested often?

David: Ha ha. Never been in trouble. But I see it on the news.

Kami: What are you talking about

David: Didn't you hear about david archuleta's dad!

Kami: Don't confuse massage therapist with whore. I'm not a whore.

David: I NEVER said you were! Just saying that it's scary sometimes.

Kami: I am offended that you'd even suggest it. I have a large clientele of businessmen and atheletes that get a good massage, nothing else. If you want to come in for something like that, I'd be willing to set you up. That's all though.

David: Well it sounds fun but like I said I am broke. But you could teach me how and then we could exchange back rubs :)

After crunching the numbers for this new "bartering" proposal from David, Kami declined his offer, realizing she had no desire to teach David anything other than how to remove the large fucking shoe she was about to launch directly up his goddamn ass.

Luckily that seemed to do the trick.

For a couple of days.

Two days later, Kami received another text.

David: That picture on the bike is in North XXXXXXXX, it looks like.

Kami: Yep

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

Suddenly realizing this was the same David that had been harassing her for the past week, Kami began to get a little freaked out.

Kami checked the picture she had posted on her website to determine what identifying feature might have given away the location of her home.

There were none. She was simply standing in her driveway in front of a garage door. Luckily, Kami had recently moved from that address and now lived in a neighboring county.

Feeling a bit relieved, David then provided her with her real name, something she was quite familiar with since it was printed on all her mail. Kami had long ago assumed a fake identity specifically for dealing with creepy dudes like David. "Color me creeped!" says Kami, instantly forcing hundreds of Crayola scientists back to the lab.

Kami ignored David for the rest of the day, but David continued to barrage her phone with annoying text messages.

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

David: Massage by Kami ... $60. Friends with David ... priceless!

David: Do you do a 100% body massage? Or is it 99%?

David: Send me a face pic
David: Are you going to give me a massage? Out of the love of your heart?

Towards the end of the day, Kami had had enough of his horse shit. She texted David and informed him she would never give him a massage, she would never work for free, she had no idea who the fuck he was, and he needed to leave her the fuck alone.




Kami fell victim to a rather unfortunate circumstance. Immediately after delivering her unpleasant diatribe to David, Kami got into her car for the long drive home and inadvertently sat on her cellphone, which has a tendency to redial the last number she texted.

So guess who came-a-texting again ...

David: You just called me.

David: Twice!

David: So it's not that I'm trying to mooch, just that I can go to massage envy for $39

David: By the way, you really have to know what you're doing when it's deep tissue.

Kami did not respond, but a few hours later, David started up again and really began to get under Kami's skin.

David: I don't see why you charge more than certified professionals.

Kami: Oh my hell you're an ass. I am LMT, and if someone sucks so bad that they are willing to work for a company and make $12 an hour, that means they couldn't hack in on their own. I DO know what I'm doing, not that you'll ever know, and seriously, leave me the fuck alone!

David: I didn't know. Thanks for the insite.

David: So you're saying that you charge $60 an hour and that's not including tips? I'm glad you can travel and live a way many can't.

... and then, a few hours later ....

David: I feel like I might be bothering you so I should maybe just leave you alone.

Jesus David, what would give you that impression?

But David actually meant it this time, and Kami didn't hear from him again.

Two months later, Kami had completely forgotten about her failed suitor David and was plowing her way through another busy day at work, when Kami received a text from one of her many clients named "David."

David: You're in XXXXXX, right?

Kami: Yes, I'm done for tonight, but I have one opening available tomorrow.

David: What is the first time special with tip included?

Kami: I don't do specials. My fee is $60 an hour without tip included.

David: No specials? So with tip your going to be like $80?

Kami: That sounds about right.

David: Hmmm...what if I give you 80 for 80 minutes.

Kami: As long as that doesn't include tip that'd be fine. My fee works out to a dollar a minute.

David: Wow, you really don't budge! What's up?

Kami: I'm good at what I do.

David: Well what are you going to say that is going to make a deal here.

Kami didn't yet realize this was the exact same David she had dealt with in the past, so she continued the conversation, though thoroughly annoyed at the thought of entertaining yet another potential cheapskate client.

David: What if I get hot and get a boner, will you get mad?

Kami: No, most clients get a boner. As long as you leave it alone, we're fine.

The client proceeded to ask Kami if she would perform the massage in a bikini, or perhaps in her bra and underwear, to which Kami replied "No."

Keeping the atmosphere professional, the client then inquired about Kami's policies regarding getting up in the middle of the massage session to go masturbate in the bathroom.

Kami figured she was dealing with another random creep, so she decided to end their conversation.

A few days later, Kami gets another text from a "David" who seems relatively normal. He is pleasant and polite, so Kami books an appointment for him and goes about her daily business. But later in the day, she began thinking about all these recent inquiries from guys named "David."

On that note, we'll let Kami close it out from here:

Sometimes, the little voice speaks and we don't listen. This happen to be one of the times I did. I called and cancelled. He wanted to know why, and I said it was personal, I'm sorry, but I have to cancel.

He threw an amazing rendition of a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. Little voice also said that I should leave all the way, so I left.

He texted me later that he was there, even though I had told him not to, and I was glad I'd left.

He texted me a few more times about how selfish and evil I was, and how I'd never have clientele being this rude and thoughtless.

It was then it occured to me that it was the same David all along, and checked out my text logs.

Yep, same guy.


"Ew" is right Kami, and so concludes another edition of Psychotic Letters.

We'd love to hear from any people out there having to go through this kind of shit with their clients, and we'd especially love to hear from any massage therapists having to deal with this "happy ending" dilemma.

(Ed Note: To clear up some confusion, apparently many massage clients don't want to provide their last names to their therapists- hence the confusion with all the "David's" in Kami's phone.)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Psychotic Letters From Women

Hey guys, we're back from a much needed break and working on a new PLFM entry for either Thursday or Friday morning. Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, my email inbox has been absolutely inundated over the last few days with a YouTube video currently making the rounds on everyone's hot sheet, so if you haven't seen it yet we're going to give you an opportunity to check it out right now.

Watch the whole thing, and then I've got a little commentary for you afterwards ....

OK, here's the reason I didn't post it earlier when it first came through my inbox .... I don't buy it.

At all.

I think it's a fantastic marketing ploy for his website and I'm sure JD has seen it pay off tremendously. In fact, I applaud him for it.

But I try really hard to keep the fake stuff off PLFM, and unfortunately my bullshit meter put a hole in my roof the size of a dishwasher about 5 minutes into this video.

One of the easiest ways we weed out the fake stories here at PLFM is to simply step back from the story as told and ask yourself "Is this really plausible?"

In this case .. I say no.

If these two had been dating for awhile, I sincerely doubt his girlfriend could simply "forget" her own boyfriend was leaving to Europe for two weeks.

On top of that, Emily would have at least informed a few of her friends at some point before his departure that JD was leaving to tour Europe, so we'd have to assume all her friends forgot as well.

JD purportedly shows emails where Emily claims to have contacted "all of JD's friends" to determine his whereabouts, and none of them replied "JD? He's in Europe, you moron."

So that's my take on it and why I chose not to post it yesterday. Nothing makes me feel dumber than posting something on PLFM or WWHM and having readers send me emails saying "Hey you fucking dumbass, that shit is fake." It happens.

(We already have a fake posted here on PLFM. I did a little more research after one particular story ran, and a few weeks later I discovered some online documentation proving she had been a bit less than truthful in her version of the story. The story is still up, and certainly not the one you might think it is.)

Maybe I'm just a jaded horse's ass, so let me know what you guys think in the comments.