Sunday, December 20, 2009

Freedom of Information

(Note to readers: All names in the following post have been changed. The pictures have been altered to hide the identity of the offender. I know a lot of readers would prefer I post everything, and legally we're entitled to, but we really don't need to go there in order to get the point of our story across.)

Today's PLFM entry all began innocently enough.

Now, as most of you know, our busy WWHM office produces two blogs simultaneously. Our original blog, Why Women Hate Men-The Blog, re-posts preposterously clueless and pathetic male personal ads submitted by our female readers, whereby we instruct our hard-working staff to mercilessly flog the original author of those ads like an uncooperative mule.

Our second blog, Psychotic Letters From Men, emerged from the swamp only six months later in response to the hordes of female WWHM readers who began to submit their own personal stories of pathetic and / or abhorrent male behavior, many of which contained original and delightfully voyeuristic copies of threatening emails, bizarre letters, and, of course, the accompanying restraining orders.

Yet sometimes we receive correspondence which could land on either blog, and today we opened up just such an email.

WWHM reader DM recently submitted a large batch of moronic personal ads to Why Women Hate Men- The Blog, the last of which she highlighted "This is my personal favorite!" in red text.

Brimming with excitement, we hastily adjusted our crotchless briefs, put down our bear claw, and focused our weary, bloodshot eyes onto the computer screen. Unfortunately, we felt a bit let down when we found this complete snore of a personal ad:

Lets be realistic -34M

I am a cute athletic guy that looks younger than I am. I am single no kids just a cute little puppy. I am straight edge. I have a reserved laid back personality but I can be very direct and forward too. I am not shy at all either. I have a sales background mostly in mortgages.

More about me .... I like sports, I play everything soccer, volleyball, golf, mt bike and more. I went to XXXXX to be a gym teacher before I got into sales and I used to coach youth sports for my younger siblings. I like playing ps3 video games like call of duty 2 with my younger brother or Wii golf with my dad. With a girl I just like to watch movies and enjoy some quality time together. I tend to be a homebody not into the bar scene or clubbing.

I am looking for someone drama free and someone who also wants to be happy with me. Any race and legal age is fine. Please no drugs or smoking. I have a facebook and myspace so if you contact me send me your links and a pic of yourself in the reply. I also have aim and yahoo messenger chat so we can get to know each other better that way first.



Not too bad of an ad, though certainly not WWHM material. He's single, athletic, close to his family, relatively good-looking, and he openly expresses his affection for kids and animals.

Sounds like someone you might enjoy making a casserole with, snuggling up to in front of Sleepless in Seattle, or perhaps a man you might even choose to marry and engage in horrifically boring missionary-style sex with once a month for the rest of your life.

Perplexed with her submission to WWHM, we checked back with reader DM's email, only to find a little explanation below the link she provided:

"Why is that my favorite you ask? Because it has a reply attached to it!"

Sure enough, the public dating forum Seth utilized allows visitors to post replies, and it appears a nice young woman discovered a little bit more about Seth than he was willing to disclose upfront. As such, she attached the ensuing response underneath his personal ad:

ok, lets really be realistic.

im not really here to judge you however since you are a registered sex offender who is really only out for sex maybe you should put that in your add. I guess its a good thing that you dont have a degree in teaching gym since you wouldnt be able to as a registered sex offender.

Point is is that when you are online looking for someone maybe you should include that if they arent willing to sleep with you on the first date your not interested considering when WE talked and i stated that i wasnt interested in sex that i wanted a long term relationship i suddenly wasnt good enough anymore.

It then also didnt take much to google your name and megans law to see that you are a registered sex offender.

Which you never told me.


We suspect Seth didn't receive many replies after that pleasant little note landed underneath his personal ad.

Are we done?

Not even close.

The above accusation is pretty serious, so we wouldn't post this story without the ability to somehow verify it's authenticity.

Fortunately, Seth left a direct link (which PLFM deleted) to his YouTube channel, where he invited women to come view some of his "funny videos" before they replied to his personal ad. Unfortunately for Seth, the title of his YouTube channel also contains his real name, which PLFM then cross-referenced with his listed hometown.

PLFM then plugged his name directly into the publicly available court records of the state in which he currently resides, and sure enough, look who popped up:

Gross, you say?

Gross indeed!

But it gets worse.

PLFM spent some time perusing a few of Seth's court records in order to determine the exact nature of Seth's original arrest. Occasionally we hear of cases where 16 year-old males find themselves forever branded "sex offenders" for having consensual sex with their 15 year-old girlfriends, which we personally feel is a complete load of horseshit. The states that still carry these laws on the books seriously need to pull their heads out of their collective asses, and we wanted to make sure this wasn't the case with Seth.

It wasn't.

While we couldn't determine the exact nature of the arrest that led to Seth's "sex offender" status, we found quite a few other recent arrests that might be of interest to any woman currently perusing the internet for potential mates.

Seth's recent arrest record includes, but is not limited to:

Display of Obscene Sexual Materials
Multiple Harassment Charges
Corruption of Minors
Statutory Sexual Assault
XXXXXX - Person less than 16 Years of Age (charge X'd to anonymize state)
Intimidation of Witnesses
Retaliation against Witnesses
Disorderly Conduct (Hazardous and Physical)
Providing False / Misleading Testimony
Disorderly Conduct (Obscene Language)
Criminal Trespassing
Criminal Mischief

...and, worst of all, a speeding infraction for driving 2-15 mph over the speed limit!

Seriously, who would want to date someone with such wanton disregard for our nation's well-rounded traffic regulations? Disgusting!

Anyway, reading through a few of the online court dockets can provide even more insight into Seth's self-proclaimed "drama-free," "reserved," and "laid-back personality."

According to one court docket:

(Seth) agreed to meet K.P., a minor, at the XXXXXXXXX Mall in March of this year.

K.P. entered the mall with a friend and saw (Seth). (Seth) appeared older than he had represented to K.P. online, so K.P. and her friend walked past without acknowledging (Seth). (Seth) saw K.P. and her friend leaving the mall approximately 30-45 minutes later.

(Seth) followed K.P. to her car, jumped on the hood, and kicked the right fender. The cost to repair the damage, which the court determined was caused by (Seth) jumping on the hood and kicking the fender, totaled $1.535.57.

According to his personal ad, Seth seeks a woman with whom he can "watch movies and spend quality time together," which somewhat contradicts the evidence presented against him in court during just one recent harassment charge:

On XX-XX-XX, Seth emailed his ex-wife and demanded to know her current address, saying "tell me or I will find out on my own, and that will make me more angry than I am now!"

On XX-XX-XX, Seth repeatedly called his ex-wife, hanging up several times and leaving at least one long, obscene and threatening voice message around 11:42 PM. In this message, Seth said, in pertinent part, "You don't fucking ignore me like this! Now I'm gonna have a problem! I'm gonna have to teach you a Fucking lesson you goddamn bitch! When I say call me, you fucking call me!"

On XX-XX-XX (the ex-wife) filed a criminal complaint.

On XX-XX-XX, Seth called (ex-wife's) house while Trooper XXXXXXX of the XXXXXXX State Police was present. The Trooper directed Seth to stop calling (ex-wife). Seth did not follow Trooper XXXXX's advice. Seth called back while the Trooper was still there.

On XX-XX-XX, Seth sent (ex-wife) a two-page long threatening email, saying (in part) "i have not burnt down your new house you just bought either even though i should cause you don't (sic) deserve to have a house .. . do not make any mistakes with me."

On XX-XX-XX Trooper XXXXXXX filed a criminal complaint (against Seth).

On XX-XX-XX Seth emailed (ex-wife) saying "I left a message for you to contact me via email and you did not. Instead I learned that you directed my calls to the police where I also learned you tried to file a complaint against me. . . This is the second time you have made the mistake of getting the police involved in our personal business and this is the last time I will give you a chance to correct your mistake . . . You will reverse everything you have done. You will terminate any and all complaints made against me and when I call your phone I am to get you, not the police. You will also talk to me whenever I want to talk to you for as long as you live . . . You must realize that after everything that happened to me in my life, both recent and in the past, now there are days when I care and there are days when I do not care and I'm just taking each day as it comes. I'm not afraid of anything, therefore, I could do anything at any time."

The court then states:

In repeatedly threatening (ex-wife) and continually calling and emailing her after being asked to desist, both by (ex-wife) and by a State Police Officer, Seth was harassing, annoying, and alarming his ex -wife. In particular, inflammatory language like "I'm not afraid of anything, therefore, I could do anything at any time," "This is the last time will give you a chance to correct your mistake," "Do not make anymore mistakes with me " and "That will make me more angry than I am now" was clearly designed to alarm the victim.

The numerous attempts also clearly satisfy the repeated conduct requirement in the harassment statute.

Seth's defense at trial centered on his assertion that there was a legitimate purpose for his attempts to contact his ex-wife. As he summarized in his closing argument, "[it] was because of XXXXXXX related issues" related to XXXXXXXXX the two had previously shared. (Ed. note: Not children)

Disregarding all communications other than the threats, Mr. XXXXXXX has still engaged in repeated communication which serves no legitimate purpose.

So, how might you feel about dating this guy now?

Had enough?

We have, and in all honesty, Facts of Life comes on in 10 minutes. According to Comcast, it's the episode where Tootie gets caught smoking a cigarette at a party, and everyone acts like she just shot the fucking Pope. We gotta go.

But first, let's resolve the purpose of our post so we can all feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Dating online involves inherent risks. You have no fucking idea who you are about to meet. Just because he's a good-looking attorney doesn't mean shit.

PLFM effortlessly acquired all the information posted in this blog entry in less than three minutes, and we didn't even make the unfortunate mistake of blowing Seth in his car first.

Ironically, in producing a blog about stalkers, we've learned quite a bit about how they operate. We suggest you turn the tables by utilizing the same stalker tactics when researching your potential online dates. Which you should do. It's easy stuff, and well worth your efforts.

Nearly every state, county and city posts all criminal records online, and some even post civil cases online. You can determine whether your potential date has recently murdered someone, or whether they have 16 lawsuits currently pending in civil court for failing to pay a debt. Divorce cases, child custody battles, this stuff is all posted online for free in many states. Or, if you'd like, you can pay some hack online search company $50 to find the same information you can get yourself for free in three minutes. Fun!

PLFM also learned stalkers can find surprisingly good results by cutting and pasting email addresses into the Google search bar. Often, you can determine which forums a person might visit, and even read their posts. In fact, as we've mentioned before, that's exactly how we discovered one of the stories we posted to our blog wasn't exactly truthful. Thanks, stalkers!

(Sound of everyone googling their own email addresses.)

Of course, we're not just picking on men here, as this same advice applies to men trying to find out about women they're interested in dating. You won't get off the hook that easily, ladies, and you have to admit there's quite a few of you out there that are just a few croutons short of a salad.

If you've recently met someone online who didn't exactly turn out to be what they claimed, please feel free to post it in the comments.

(After producing WWHM Blogs for over a year now, we're determined to earn one US dollar for our efforts. As such, we've teamed up with Babeland, a classy, reputable female owned and operated sex boutique with four stores in Seattle and New York, as well as If you'd like to buy anything off Amazon, please just link to Amazon through one of our unsightly, box-like banners!)

Monday, December 14, 2009

PLFM Presents: How to Get Your Ass Fired

A few of our dedicated readers recently alerted PLFM to some drama transpiring over on LiveJournal, and since the source of the drama falls directly in line with our particular subject matter, we're going to re-post the offending email and let you guys take a little peek at exactly what went down.

On that note, put your creep mittens on.

We've covered quite a few stories here on PLFM regarding work relationships gone awry. In extreme cases, the offender blatantly threatens, harasses and stalks our victims. In other cases, however, we come across situations where the male offender readily admits they may have crossed over the line of acceptable workplace behavior, yet feels everything has been completely blown out of proportion.

Today, you'll decide.

Here's the background:

Let's say you find yourself working in a dead-end retail job. In all likelihood, you hate your job and the insufferable morons you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis, but you have mouths to feed, bills to pay, and you don't necessarily want to live in a cardboard box anytime soon.

So you go to your shitty retail job every day, you grin and bear it, and at the end of the night you clock out content you just bought yourself another day of survival until something better comes along.

Then you show up to work one day only to find the following email in your inbox, sent from a certain male co-worker with whom you've only briefly exchanged a few pleasantries:

You really should just close the message and go about your day. This is the kind of letter that you write and then promptly burn. I'm not fond of following the rules so I sent it anyway. Seriously though, this is not going to be an easy message.

You've made an appearance in my dreams twice now. This is not good. You make me uncomfortable enough irl. The second dream was more significant than the first. You were the hero, and you saved my life from some pirates who were after me. I suppose I should be thanking you.

Could you think about... How many conversations have you had with me that weren't in someway work related...1? maybe 2? Even off the clock I think the only real time I've spent talking to you was showing you my ipod...but even that is work related. Even then, I was terribly uncomfortable.

This is because life has taught me that I have no business associating with the pretty people. Even after moving through several churches growing up, I was just never accepted. There isn't anything I can do about my face. It's not my fault. I've extended true efforts of genuine friendship toward people time and time again, only to get treated like a disease.

I can't control my dreams, so you're my only hope. Please stay out. Please?

You didn't accept my 2nd friend request and I can understand. I could be reacting prematurely. Maybe you haven't seen the 2nd one yet. Honestly though, I'm surprised you accepted it the first time. Thank You though. That was a huge confidence builder at a time when I needed it the most.

No one should have to suffer through a letter like this from a coworker. This will be my last communication with you apart from work.

The strong warning at the start of this is because I do not wish to have a discussion about this letter. Especially at work. I'm sorry, if this is has made you terribly uncomfortable. I'm sorry if you hate me.

You are unequivocally everything I've ever liked about any girl I've ever liked. However, You should be thrilled to know that I have no interest in you romantically. I know your name isn't Sarah, does that count for anything? Do you really drive to/from XXXXXXX all the time?

I'm sorry that you read this. However, If you didn't read it, Thank You so very much.

Got it?

Of course, now you're expected to just go out on the floor and work side-by-side with this guy all day long and just pretend you never got the letter.

Sound feasible?

David certainly didn't have a problem with it, so he emailed this exact letter to one of his female co-workers. Unfortunately, she did have a problem with it, and consequently turned the letter over to upper management.

David promptly found his ass fired on the spot.

David didn't take his sudden termination lightly, so he decided to re-post the letter in front of thousands of people on LiveJournal in what appears to be a somewhat hare-brained scheme to garner some sympathy from the masses:

I understand how that could make someone uncomfortable, but after dreaming about her twice I.Was.Freaking.Out.

Store manager is claiming this was harassment, but I can't find anything in hours of reading about various laws that will support this isolated message as harassment.

The thing that sucks the most is when I came back from my lunch I was planning on apologizing to her. I wrote a note on my lunch with only her first name on the front and inside it says "I am sorry"

Instead, I was fired.

Sounds like someone's fishing for a little hug, no?

Needless to say, David's misguided plea for sympathy backfired in an absolutely catastrophic manner. Hundreds of LiveJournal members, male and female, descended upon David's ravaged carcass to literally strip meat from bone. To make matters worse, David slipped up when defending himself and not only admitted that he knew she had a boyfriend, but that he himself has a fiance. Touche!

David now says he deeply regrets sending the email, though we surmise this might have a bit to do with the relentless onslaught of deep and soulful ass-poundings he currently finds himself enduring on LiveJournal, along with the relative lack of ass-slapping he will now likely receive in the confines of his own bedroom.

A few supporters have heroically come to David's aid, claiming this case constitutes just another example of "man-hating" women overreacting to a man's simple overture of fondness for a woman, but the vast majority of participants call it an easy case of sexual harassment in the workplace.

While PLFM found David's initial letter creepy enough to print within the confines of our half-assed blog, we didn't find it nearly as creepy as the idea of pursuing a half-assed, attention-seeking apology note scribbled on the inside of a wrinkled lunch bag.

In the comments section, please feel free to address whether David's letter might have creeped you out, and whether you feel his email warranted an immediate termination.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Unpredictable PLFM Updates Now 80% Less Annoying With Twitter!

We've been going through some issues folks, and when this shit-for-brains goes through issues, the WWHM Blogs temporarily have to take a back seat.

Fortunately, I finally pulled my head out of my own ass and opened a Twitter account, so you don't have to keep checking back to see whether I've updated Why Women Hate Men- The Blog or Psychotic Letters From Men.

Sign up, and I'll automatically notify you each and every time a new post goes up on either blog.

In addition, you can join the WWHM Facebook Fan Club here, and I just discovered PLFM has a Fan Club too, which you can find here. Both clubs will automatically notify you when I put up a new post.

Thanks for sticking by me in my absence folks, and please remember to send me your unedited psychotic letters! On a side note, men CAN send me Psychotic Letters From Women as well. We look forward to finally posting one on PLFM!

Follow WWHMBLOGS on Twitter

For you folks new to PLFM, please click on "Older Posts" below and start rummaging through over 60 entries full of our trademark psychotic behavior.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Ye Olde Fiancé

Andie developed a certain fascination with British men at a very young age.

Raised on a steady diet of Brit-pop bands like Duran Duran and the British TV series The Adventures of Black Beauty, Andie spent much of her teen years dreaming about someday landing her own version of Simon LeBon.

Now 36 years-old and well past the smarmy influences of her teen years, Andie admits she still gets a bit weak in the knees every time she hears a refined British accent. She hasn't exactly been holding out for a British guy, but her past certainly might help explain her current 500-count pure mutton bedsheets.

Andie's best friend Sarah recently came across a nice looking British gentleman on the popular dating site, so of course Sarah couldn't help but pass along his profile to Andie. Andie didn't belong to, but she perused the gentleman's profile for a few minutes and she certainly liked what she saw.

Simon was a single and successful British construction foreman living in Andie's hometown of Minneapolis, and Simon's profile reflected both his intelligence and a dry, witty sense of humor. He was handsome, and contrary to our American stereotype of the British, his teeth didn't resemble an unkempt picket fence in rural Wyoming. Acting on a whim, Andie joined and fired off a letter of interest to Simon.

Simon quickly responded with his own email, which Andie describes in her letter as "charming, friendly, and non-creepy." And as we all know here on PLFM, that's like getting a visit from the fucking Prize Patrol. Andie and Simon agreed to meet for a brief brunch the following weekend.

"Brief" it was not.

Simon and Andie spent nearly four hours together that morning, flirting and laughing and pretty much carrying on like a bunch of loose-moraled schoolgirls. Simon was much more attractive in person than his online pictures had indicated, and his voice instantly reduced her to a pasty marmalade. "I felt the long forgotten, floaty, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling," says Andie. After breakfast, Simon walked Andie to her car and gave her a hug, followed by a round of passionate kissing that may have thrilled the participants, but likely caused innocent passersby to struggle with their recently ingested shrimp cocktails.

Simon sent her a few cute texts after their date, and called Andie three days later to ask her out again. Their second date went even better than the first, and from that point forward the two became virtually inseparable. Simon eventually confessed he had never felt like this about a woman before, and Andie felt exactly the same way about Simon. "You won't be my girlfriend for long, you know," Simon said with a wry smile, "I'm the marrying kind."

And so we begin a look at one of hundreds of Simon's gushy emails .... a few of which we'll disperse throughout this post.


I hope your back feels better and you didn't work too hard on your day off.

Talking with you this morning was wonderful and it made my Monday morning feel like a Friday afternoon. Thank you!

I am so looking forward to seeing you on Thursday and know that the week will drag until then! Have a great Tuesday!

soppy pic but couldn't help myself (just don't tell anyone I'm a real softy, ok?)

If you ever wonder how the United States defeated the British Army in 1776, the last part of that email might help explain it. Softies.

In the ensuing weeks, Simon and Andie enjoyed romantic dinners and spent an endless string of passionate nights together. They took long walks in the park, and Simon happily introduced Andie to his beloved dog Rugby. Andie had never felt so much passion for a man in her life. They went on shopping sprees together, with Simon even footing the bill for a $500 trip to Victoria's Secret as the accompanying receipt attests:


My dearest Andie,

It is six days since I first got to sit with you and look into your beautiful eyes as we shared ourselves with each other. Somehow, within that short time span, saying "my" in front of your name seems so natural and right!

I adore hearing your "hi honey" when you answer the phone. In my mind I can see your smile as we are talking. I hear the genuine excitement in your voice and a passion for life in your words. I know that when I see you today all of these things will be intensified immensely.

You already know that I like to be an open book when it comes to my emotions. In that spirit I want you to know that I adore you with a passion! The mere thought of you and the way your words lodge in my soul make my heart pound and enhances me as a person beyond measure. Your touch last Friday was so intense to me that it stays with me even now.

As we spend time together I want you to know that you can hold these promises as true:
1.) I will never hold back my feelings (good or bad).
2.) I will never lie to you! (no matter what).
3.) I will always treat you with respect, even in the throws of a heated discussion.
4.)I will always respect your wishes and opinions (I rely on you to articulate what they are!)

On a lighter note, the following rules apply:
1.) First and foremost you are a princess and will be treated as such at all times.
2.) Affection and passion will accompany my every action towards you.
3.) I am an Englishman and need my tea!
4.) Never, ever finish a day angry or upset with each other.

The final and golden rule is to put passion in every moment spent together. One life to live - love every minute of it.

You are an amazing woman and I am so thankful and in a constant state of wonder that you make me want to write everything I have here and more and perhaps that is why calling you "my Andie" is so soul calming, heart-racing right!

Simon x

1:45am P.S. Darling, we have just finished our call of 1 hour and 40 minutes and I find myself wishing that I had ended by telling you that despite all conventional wisdom that I love you and am in love with you. Good night my beautiful, wonderful you.

After soiling the entirety of Andie's new lingerie collection in a matter of six weeks, Simon asked Andie to start looking for a wedding dress suitable for a romantic beach wedding ceremony. Andie admits she was cautious, but she couldn't resist her feelings for Simon- he was exactly the type of man she had spent her entire life searching for. She was simply living a dream she'd had since childhood. "I only have one question for you," Simon stated, "gold- or platinum?"


You ever need or want to follow your dreams my love, just ask for.

I will move heaven and earth to to get and give it to you. you are amazing and I see in your passion for both what you do to earn money now and in the future wealth of your writing great potential and remember that you have already achieved the greatest heights in both.

The rest of the world just hasn,t caught on yet

I love you my dearest love and long to have you in my arms again

Your ever loving


As the relationship progressed, Simon even took Andie to a house he had hired his construction company to refurbish for them as a couple, and told her of his plans to purchase another cottage back home in Brighton, England, right next to the home of his family.


Whenever you get this know that with every fiber of my being I love you. Thank you for an amazingly beautiful day yesterday and a soul quenching night.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Your simon xxx ooo xxx

Exactly two months into their relationship, Andie found herself preparing for yet another romantic date with Simon when the phone suddenly rang. Andie picked up the phone to find a hysterical Simon.

Rugby, Simon's beloved dog, had run into the street and was struck violently by a passing car. Rugby suffered serious injuries, and Simon didn't know if the dog would survive. He was rushing Rugby to an emergency animal hospital 45 minutes away, and he had to cancel their date for the evening. Rugby would obviously need several major surgeries, and Simon promised to call her with an update as soon as he found out the extent of his dog's injuries.

Andie completely understood, and told Simon to just worry about his dog.

Andie hung up the phone, and never heard Simon's voice again.


He didn't answer his phone, his texts, or his emails. It was as if he had simply vanished from the face of the earth.

Three days later Andie's phone rang. Frantic with worry, Andie rushed to answer but, unfortunately, it wasn't Simon. Rather, the caller asked if Andie had seen or heard from Simon lately. Thinking it was Simon's employer, Andie explained the harrowing phone call and the injuries to Rugby, but no, she hadn't heard from him since his trip to the emergency vet. Perhaps, she wondered, had the caller heard of any new information?

The caller provided Andie with plenty of new information.

"Simon is my husband, " said the voice on the other end of the phone.

Andie initially felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, immediately followed by a sudden urge to purchase a novelty t-shirt on eBay featuring a lollipop and the word "Sucker" printed in an extra large font.

"I guess Simon wasn't lying when he said he was the marrying kind," says Andie.

Some might also suggest he wasn't lying when he said "I will never lie to you!", but rather Simon simply forgot to include the crucial modifier " .. unless words are coming out of my mouth."

Simon wasn't single.

And Rugby wasn't hurt.

In fact, Simon's wife pointed out that Rugby was in fact her dog, and he was sitting right there in the living room as they spoke, probably licking an asshole that tasted remarkably like Simon.

The house in Minneapolis? Horse shit.

Cottage in Brighton? Nope.

His apartment? Nope. His friend Scott's.

Gold or Platinum? "Lead," Andie might now say, imagining a large target focused on a certain pair of gamy British testicles.

As it turns out, Andie was simply the caboose car in a long train of girlfriends Simon had hidden from his wife during their seven years of marriage. His wife only figured it out in Year 5.

Adds Andie:

I am 36 years old, I've had several long-term relationships, and I go on a lot of dates. I'm not a dumb kid; I have considerable experience with men.

I am also cynical by nature. The fact that this guy was able to snow me so completely is a testament to how good he is at what he does (basically he's a professional bullshitter).

I fell for him immediately, (not something I am prone to do, cynical as I am). I ignored my instincts and let my hormones and emotions take over. Never a good idea.

But of course, our story doesn't end there.

Simon abruptly abandoned his precious dog adorable relationship prop and his wife of seven years and fled the country to England, his genitals firmly wrapped in a custom-made protective casing not unlike one you might find on your favorite specialty sausage.

A few months after Andie last spoke to Simon, she received a call from a woman in England asking about a man named "Simon."

The British woman had recently met a man named "Simon" in her local pub, where he worked as a waiter. The two started dating immediately, and after professing his undying love for her, "Simon" ended up moving into the carriage house behind her property. Simon was starting a business at the time, and had asked his new girlfriend to front $30,000 in seed money to help him get his company off the ground. She agreed to invest in his business, and seriously, does the author of this blog really need to finish typing that story?

Heartbroken and devastated after he disappeared, the British woman began researching Simon's past and tracked down several of Simon's ex-girlfriends, including Andie. "He's a con artist. He uses some women for sex, and some for money," she told Andie.

Andie had posted pictures of Simon on her blog, including the very picture we featured today here on PLFM. The British woman recognized Andie; Simon had posted her photo on the wall of the carriage house, explaining "She's my friend from the United States."

We'll let a remorseful Andie wrap it up:

So while I feel like complete shit, at least I am wearing fantastic underwear. Also, I have a plethora of hot little negligees for any future boy toys to enjoy (and they will, believe me).

He also bought me a new TV, a bunch of meals, drinks, coffees, the dress I am wearing in the photo at the beginning of this post, and a little playhouse for my cats. Another positive thing Shit Stain--I mean Simon-- did was pay my July rent.

The final positive Simon did for me was to give me a chance to warn the citizens of the Twin Cities and--hell, the entire world--to watch out for this fucker. If you see him, give him a good punch in the nuts for me, and, for the love of all things holy, DO NOT believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

If he tells you 2 + 2 = 4, check his facts.

I can also take comfort in these words of wisdom from the esteemed poet Bono: Instant karma's gonna get him, if I don't get him first.

I know this much is true.

Take a good look at Simon in our headline photo ladies, and remember that face.

We'd also like to hear from some of the other women duped by this guy, as I'm hoping some of them will find their way to PLFM.

And if you see him out in public in Minneapolis, Brighton, or anywhere else, feel free to launch the sole side of your shoe directly into his balls for Andie.

If you've been duped by a married guy online or through a dating site for singles only and can prove it to PLFM with emails, send us an email and the story behind it.

If you've been duped by a married man, feel free to fess up anonymously in the comments if you want.

If you got your sweet revenge, even better.

(You can find Andie's blog and a brief write-up of her experience at

Monday, August 31, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Snoop

Caitlin was raised in a fundamentalist Christian household and admits upfront to PLFM that she had very little experience dealing with men until her college years.

Of course, we're not saying Caitlin was completely unfamiliar with boys; Caitlin actually dated a guy named Larry for a while, but Larry also had a fundamentalist Christian background, and refused to hug Caitlin because he felt it was "too physical" and "would cause sin" in the eyes of God. So, in retrospect, I guess we are saying she was completely unfamiliar with boys.

Unfortunately for Larry, the overworked and underpaid estrogen glands in Caitlin's ovaries began to threaten a body-wide mutiny unless they started getting some serious non-Christian action. Larry and Caitlin amicably went about their separate ways, leaving Caitlin free to venture out into the world and whore it up in the hugging department.

Team Estrogen 1, Jesus 0.

After her breakup with Larry, Caitlin got together with another fundamentalist Christian man named Daniel, who was a family friend and fellow university student. Daniel was charming and handsome, and more than willing to provide Caitlin with hugs and more. Caitlin and Daniel became an item soon after Caitlin's arrival at school, and from there we begin our brief and ugly journey into Caitlin's first real relationship with a man, followed immediately by her first attempt at seeking a form of government protection against him.

In the beginning, Caitlin and Daniel's relationship was all kittens and rainbows. Daniel was kind and gentle, and he had one of those playful, ham-hock type asses that most women might generously applaud had he suddenly decided to scurry up a nearby tree. Daniel always went out of his way to make Caitlin happy, and Caitlin enjoyed his affectionate manner.

But that all changed when Caitlin had some difficulty setting up some of her computer accounts with the university, and Daniel, a computer science major, generously offered to step in and help Caitlin establish her new IM and email accounts. Caitlin appreciated Daniel's generosity, and took a back seat as Daniel spent a few hours fiddling around on her computer. Gosh, what a nice guy!*

*unless you keep reading

What Caitlin didn't know was that Daniel also conveniently decided to install a port that automatically transferred the entire content of Caitlin's instant messaging conversations to his own personal computer. Daniel began monitoring who she was talking to, and what she was talking about.

Caitlin didn't discover Daniel's antics until about a month later, when Caitlin logged into a private online diary she kept on a computer in her home. Daniel had made a crucial error in hiding his tracks; namely, after hacking into her computer, he decided to leave his own commentary in her personal diary. After reading through Caitlin's private thoughts, Daniel left his own entry and berated her for not sharing her feelings with him. Daniel concluded his entry with the following statement:

"I know I've really complicated things by reading this and for that I am sorry... If I don't hear from you, I'll take it as a sign things are over."

Caitlin was mortified her jackass of a boyfriend had hacked into her computer and read her personal diary. Before she could even absorb what had just transpired, Caitlin stepped out into the hallway and found Daniel waiting for her, twiddling his thumbs and whistling innocently while looking up at the sky. We'll let Caitlin describe what happened next:

"I was still so dazed I didn't know how to react and he somehow managed to get me to stay. I really don't remember how. But he was good at pitching emotional fits to get me to react to him and pay attention. Plus, forgiveness is always good, right? A fundamentalist background doesn't prepare one for dating in ways other than making a hug into some sort of sexual sin.

That said, I REALLY should have known better."

PLFM will now allow our readers a few moments for low-pitched groans and light eye-rolling.


It's OK Caitlin, we understand. You had to learn the hard way. A lot of us do.

Caitlin and Daniel resumed their relationship and dated throughout the rest of the semester. At the conclusion of the semester, Caitlin began a summer research internship in another state. Over the course of her internship, Caitlin made a remarkable transformation in her life: She began to question the principles and beliefs of fundamentalist Christians. She'd expressed her reservations about religion to Daniel before, but now, away from the cacophony of religious zealots in her immediate environment, Caitlin was free to examine her own thoughts about her religious upbringing.

Caitlin ultimately decided it was all a bunch of nonsense. Secure and confident in her decision, Caitlin completed a full and immediate transition to "atheist," and called Daniel to deliver the news.

Daniel exploded when he heard Caitlin no longer believed in God, and reached deep into his arsenal of emotionally manipulative tricks to change Caitlin's mind. First, he tried his screaming and ranting routine, which failed miserably. Defeated, he moved on to Phase II, the "crying hysterically" routine, which Caitlin had already seen one too many times from Daniel. Phase III was the ever-popular "silent treatment with arms crossed" move perfected by resilient 6 year-olds the world over, and when that ultimately failed, Daniel moved on to Phase IV.

Daniel unequivocally terminated their relationship because Caitlin had denounced God.

Daniel said he never wanted to hear from Caitlin again, and immediately blocked her from instant messaging him. But of course that didn't mean Caitlin would never hear from Daniel again, because he continually called and messaged her, crying and weeping, and generally coating Caitlin's keyboard and phone receiver with a thick, viscous solution of spittle, phlegm and random Bible verses.

So we got that folks?

Daniel dumped Caitlin.

Got it? Let's say it as a group:


Now, Caitlin was a little bit upset her relationship had ended, but really it was more like the way you might feel when your two-year contract with Sprint Mobile ends. Although she was having a great time away from Daniel, he kept haranguing her to re-connect their internet messaging program to talk "as friends." Caitlin finally relented and agreed to re-connect with him, as long as they remained friends ONLY.

Daniel then sent the following email after he broke up with her:


This is the easiest way to re-add you. Just reply with something.

I'm sorry about tonight. My feelings for you have changed and I don't know how to relate to you anymore, especially when I come away frustrated every time we talk even though I don't know what I wanted in the first place. I just don't know anything anymore and I can't trust anything I thought I once knew. Things have been pushed back to the beginning and I don't know if I want to even try to build them back up, but of course I don't know why. I know I must not be making any sense at all.

I'm also wondering what you think. You said that you see me as a friend and I'm not quite sure how to take that. In one way, I'm almost hurt you were able to release your feelings that easily, if you ever had them at all. I can guess at this point you'll be pretty annoyed that I don't believe you, but I don't see how I can believe you. I did trust you, but I can't anymore, not after what happened. You shattered my trust at a very very deep level. I just don't know what to think.

Now you're most likely looking over this with unemotional eyes picking holes in the things I say and you'll give me back something akin to a red marked paper with a bad grade at the end and a note to do better next time. You seem to be jumping to conclusions with the things I say a lot more lately.



Yeah, Caitlin, you big trust-shatterer. Illegally recording someone's personal conversations and hacking into their computer to read their personal thoughts is one thing, but expressing your true feelings to a loved one? What a fucking travesty! Shame on you!

Caitlin immediately began to regret allowing Daniel to instant message her again. Over the next few weeks, Daniel sent Caitlin numerous missives regarding her internship. His favorite topics included:

1. How can Caitlin no longer believe in God?

2. Was Caitlin fucking those reckless, drunk college kids that didn't believe in God?

3. Most importantly, was Caitlin enjoying fucking all the guys she was working with, or just fucking some of them?

4. When fucking them, in what style was she fucking them, how often was she fucking them, and what were her personal feelings regarding her free-for-all fuck-a-thon of an internship?

As Caitlin's internship came to a close, Daniel knew Caitlin would return to school, so eased up on his questioning in anticipation of her return.

Upon her return, Daniel went right back into boyfriend mode. Although he had dumped her, he constantly questioned all her relationships with her male co-workers, complained endlessly that she wasn't spending enough time with him, and repeatedly accused her of getting pregnant during her internship. "That guy even got jealous of my homework," says Caitlin. She quickly tired of his endless harassment, and began to avoid him at all costs.

A week or so after Caitlin returned from her internship, Caitlin's sister was scheduled to be baptized in a local river, and Daniel was invited to the ceremony in order to take photographs for the family. He also attended the reception afterwards, where Daniel became insanely jealous of Larry, Caitlin's "no hug" ex-boyfriend who had the nerve to strike up a conversation with Caitlin.

Then suddenly, Daniel disappeared.

A few hours later, Daniel re-appeared and asked Caitlin if she wanted to come with him to a party where everyone planned on playing a game called "sardines." "It's like hide-and-seek in the dark," he said, "and at the end, everyone's squished together in one place!" Needless to say, at this point Caitlin preferred to cuddle with actual sardines. She refused his offer.

Later that evening, Caitlin's phone rang. She recognized the number as Daniel's, but no name came up on her cellphone screen. As it turns out, when Daniel had gone missing at the party, he had actually gone inside and found Caitlin's cellphone and deleted the entirety of her call logs and some of her stored cellphone numbers.

Furious, Caitlin didn't answer her phone, so Daniel proceeded to call her obsessively on both Caitlin's cellphone and her home phone. Caitlin's exasperated mother finally answered and told him he was no longer welcome in their home, nor was he to attempt to contact Caitlin again.

Of course, Daniel then immediately sent Caitlin an email, to which Caitlin responded:

I am not talking to you, it is not negotiable.

Daniel responded to Caitlin's email with yet another email:


I'm really distressed and confused right now so I hope this makes sense. I'm going to assume this has something to do with me deleting myself from your phone. I was using XXXXXX's phone when I called your house and had a really bad connection. I couldn't hear your mother hardly at all so I hung up and went looking for another phone. When I tried again no one answered.

You really can't take a joke can you. I've done things to my friends phones before like, delete myself, change their banner, background image or things like that. I intended it to be taken like you goof now add it back. You seem to have taken it completely wrong, like I did it maliciously. If I had been malicious wouldn't I have deleted XXXXXX's, or XXXXX's or XXXXXX's number instead of my own?

I will admit I was a little bit annoyed with you. You seemed to be spending quite a bit of time with Larry and just barely saying anytime to me. Now there were a lot of explanations for this so I wasn't going to jump to conclusions and was going to bring up the issue later.

Seriously, that is what I was going to do. I was also going to ask you what you thought about your sister getting baptized, but I was going to leave all those questions for a later time. My hope was that you were happy for your sister and that it could be a happy day for you seeing people and celebrating your sister's baptism. I seem to have unknowingly destroyed that.

As I said before I was a little annoyed with you when I left. That's why I ignored you at first. Then I realized I wasn't thinking of you again and came back. As far as your "I'm tired" for not wanted to come that evening. I believed you, you did look tired.


Once again, Caitlin did not respond, yet was forced to later in the day when Daniel arrived at her place of employment to discuss why Caitlin was not responding to his emails or phone calls.

Caitlin again thoroughly explained why she was through with Daniel's habitual boundary and privacy violations, and was concerned because Daniel was obviously having issues with continued contact despite her repeated requests to stay away. She walked right past him and left, once again instructing him not to contact her anymore.

Undeterred, Daniel sent Caitlin another email that evening apologizing for his behavior, followed by yet another email the following evening.


You looked horrible today. Like something was really bothering you. Now I'm not going to even attempt to figure out what that is, but I did want you to know that no matter what happens I still care for you and always have even if it doesn't always seem that way. I'll be praying for you.


Says Caitlin:

"I was not bothered at all that day until this email showed up, I was having a great day, fun classes, hanging out with normal friends, beautiful day out etc......."

The next day, Daniel decided to corner Caitlin on campus after one of her classes. Caitlin told him to leave her the fuck alone and tried to hurry away, but Daniel relentlessly followed her and Caitlin's classmate all the way to her next class. When they arrived, Daniel pulled out a CD and threw it on Caitlin's desk. "Here's your baptism pictures."

Another email followed:


I still wonder if you know how cruel you're being? Are you not aware that your actions are cruel or do you know and still keep doing them? The Caitlin I know wouldn't do something intentionally cruel.

It still doesn't make sense that you went from smiling to the coldest I've seen. That isn't you. What happened? You're not one for quick decisions, but from my view you did this time. Now you must have yourself in quite a mess. To go back you would have to admit to yourself and everyone involved that you were wrong in your actions. The you I know would have at least told me what was going on and then told me what you were going to do about it. Instead you completely severed everything with no explanation, why?

And in case you were wondering, it does hurt. I'm not sure if that brings you joy to see me hurting, but it's the truth. To see someone that I dearly care for treat me like this it does hurt, but the truth is I still do care even though you are treating me the way you are.


Again Caitlin didn't respond, so this time Daniel barreled into one of Caitlin's classes to harass her about not taking his calls or answering his emails. Caitlin repeatedly asked Daniel to leave the room, but he refused. She physically tried to push him out the door, but he still refused to leave. Finally, a classmate came to Caitlin's aid and instructed Daniel that he was to leave the grounds immediately.

Daniel refused to leave until Caitlin returned the CD of baptism pictures he had given her, so Caitlin happily returned his CD as Daniel was escorted out of the room. "I really didn't want to put the CD on my computer anyway," says Caitlin, "for fear of viruses or other Trojan stuff he could have put on it."

Caitlin then received her final email before the school finally took action against Daniel.


This is so ridiculous as to almost be funny. You stop communications with me and never tell me why and when I attempt to ask I get something like I'm not talking to you and leave me alone. This has got to be the worst way to handle a situation I've ever seen. Seriously I have no idea what this accomplishes other than people getting hurt. What am I supposed to do? Figure out what I did out of thin air? I always thought of you as a logical person, but where's the logic in this?


After several weeks, Caitlin had finally had enough. She prepared a large folder of Daniel's emails and took them to university officials and explained the entire situation to them. His constant harassment, his continuous and baseless accusations of her sleeping around even though they were no longer together, his insane jealousy and his inability to cease contacting her despite her repeated requests.

The university called Daniel in, and informed him he was to have absolutely no further contact with Caitlin.

And to this day, Caitlin hasn't heard a peep out of Daniel.

But, of course, we'll let her finish him off.......

"For the next 8 months every time he saw me on campus sidewalk he'd give me a Nazi salute and say "Heil Hitler!" He did it loud enough for me to hear, so if he was a ways away it would be yelled. Once when I was reading outside with a good view of several sidewalks I noticed that he went out of his way to go past me so he could give me the salute from closer. Oh well. The rest of the student body must have thought he was a Neo-Nazi or something."

Smooth, Daniel.

Very smooth.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Heather began her career in blogging several years ago, and over time she built up quite a respectable fan base. Heather was relatively familiar with most of her readers, so when a man named Martin began posting comments to her website about seven months ago, she recognized he was a new visitor to her blog.

Exactly seven months later, Martin would be in jail and Heather was living on a friend's couch.

From the outset Martin began to post comments to Heather's blog pretty consistently, if not obsessively. Even as her traffic ebbed and flowed, she could always count on Martin leaving at least one comment for every single post. She didn't think much of it initially, and figured he was just some odd character with way too much time on his hands.

But as the months passed, Martin began to send Heather personal emails, usually to expand upon the comments he had posted to her blog. Heather wasn't too fond of corresponding with her readers via email, but she answered a few of his questions out of common courtesy.

Three months after Martin found Heather's website, Heather attended a blogging conference to network with other bloggers and catch up on some new technology. Upon arrival at the conference, she was approached by a short, balding man with wire rim glasses. He knew Heather's real name, which took Heather by surprise. No one knew her real name, nor anything else about her for that matter, as she had long ago taken some rather extreme measures to protect her identity.

The short man then introduced himself.

His name was Martin, which immediately rung a bell with Heather.

It's that guy.

Heather was a bit perturbed this strange little man had actually come to a networking conference to meet her, but she stood politely as Martin asked her a few questions about her blog and her taste in music. After a brief and polite conversation, Martin indicated he had bought a few gifts for Heather. Heather explained she felt uncomfortable accepting gifts from a stranger, but Martin shrugged it off and left her gifts in a conference room.

Martin left, and Heather joined the conference in progress feeling somewhat confident she would never have to deal with Martin again.

And here we go.

Heather returned home from the conference and found her email inbox packed with emails from Martin. His correspondence had suddenly taken a turn toward personal subjects, and became largely incoherent and rambling. Heather answered a few of them, but as she progressed she realized she may as well have been writing emails to a sea lion. Disturbed, she sat down and wrote a post for her website about "obsessive fans," hoping he might get a clue and stop.

It backfired. Very badly.

Martin took it as a tutorial and absolutely deluged Heather with emails.

Heather blocked Martin from posting to her website and immediately stopped reading Martin's emails, instead filing them directly into a separate folder. Only a few days later, Heather's email server seized up. Heather checked into the problem, and found Martin had inundated her server with so many emails and music files that her server had simply shut down.

Frustrated and confused, she began to check what Martin had written in his emails.

What she found did not bode well for her.


And i bring good news. i have seen your waving hand from the abyss and bought a new modem from another provider so i can get online from home. i think i can now leave comments on your blog again :)))))

do not feel bad about anything. I like that I hvae to WORK fore this (i know you have done your best to give me acess but not even you could do that) because now i can repay you for the geneva mails you sent me from abroad 4 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been so troubled (and that virus was not from you, I know that 100 %!). this is sent from my new provider's email account. and it was the IP address which was blocked (and i am so happy that it was the IP address you did not like and not ME)

You still have many filters so my yahoo and gamil accounts do not work. You are guarding your body so well, my sun. But it is certainly also worth looking after!!!!!!!

And i will now send mail that bounced earlier tonight from my other accounts. so let's take a technical tea-break :)))))))))))))))"


Apparently Martin had concluded Heather was now in love with him.

In fact, Martin now referred to Heather as his "sun." Everything Heather wrote on her website related directly to Martin in some way, and her recent silence was now only a "test of his love." Martin knew this because Heather had arranged "secret puzzles" in her blog entries that spoke to Martin and Martin only, and he had been quite busy lately trying to decipher her "puzzles."

And the emails kept rolling in ...


Thank you for bridging gaps. A bridge can say so much. It has meant a lot to me.

And so I want to say that right now things are as when we met. No more. No less. We are both a little wiser, perhaps. I like that.

I'd really like to be able to comment on your blog again. Just like before we started mirroring. I want you to blog like you did before we met. Without all these constant hints and puzzles.

You are really good at these puzzles. You would make a great novelist. I think I have found most of your hints and puzzles - both the good and the bad ones. I can now laugh at your jokes again. Thank you for your TRUST and BELIEF that I can "get" them. Your thoughts are very advanced and I'm happy i understand you. But I spend a lot of time trying to "get" them.

I think we are now both standing exactly where we stood when we met except apart. Maybe we should meet again - has your sun started working so you can burn some sunshine?

In the future, please do not leave anymore puzzles for me on the blog. Have a lovely day with much sun!!!!!"


Now unable to contact Heather, Martin somehow located her home address and began loitering in local parks and grocery stores in an attempt to catch Heather out in public.


Yes, I know I sent you a longshot invitation in my thoughts. So I spent the day in the botanical garden waiting for my thoughts to reach you.

The sun was burning in there :)))))))

I was thinking about my life and what i know for certain about my life right now, i mean WHAT I KNOW and that is that we will be together and i will give the two of us the best chance ever amd we both deserve that!

And you are as right as ever. The Botinical gardens are very charming but I forget they are there. No longer, of course.

I understand why you are so hesitant towards me. i mean, you have so many prejudices to fight. But i have said this earlier. I FORGIVE YOU (FOR) EVERYTHING.

I hope you will show up soon because i am getting tired of walking around your parks waiting for you. So many people are there. Not that they are wrong people BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE RIGHT PERSON!!!!!"


Thankfully, Heather's "thought" phone was temporarily out of service.

For whatever reason, Martin also conjured up the idea that Heather had a wooden leg, and he frequently encouraged her to be open about it.


I never thought i'd write to you about this because the topic is so important that it need not be written.

I noticved your little game on the blog the other day and your reaction when "peg leg" was mentioned. I did not even notice it when we met but now I know. But i still will not notice it the next time we meet.

I DO NOT CARE that you have a peg leg because i look at the whole person whether they are family-friebds-colleagues-or girlfriends :) So i did not join in the debate and think that the response to the peg leg was .. primitive. Unlike YOU!

If you do have a peg-leg the only difference it makes is that you become all that more interesting and you are already interesting :)I wanted to say this to you in person but you get it in writing :(I hope you are better and not troubled and have been out in the sun :)))


Despite being quite a few croutons short of a salad, Martin was remarkably adept in locating Heather's personal information, as noted below ...


I tracked you to Hmm, did you call yourself XXXXX xxxxx once and studied teaching in XXXXXX?

I don't know. I never answered you. My computer broke down and I lost your mails. In panic I tried to recue your mails but that only made matters worse. Perhaps I am off target? I have been thinking about your mails for a long time.

When we met in the coffee shop I already knew when I pressed your hand that we would have excellent fun and we did.. It was like meeting an old friend OR SOMETHING. It has to be Ying-Yang. Hmmm.. The sun has been burning inside me .. god, I must sound half crazy. But actually I feel relieved. I have been paralysed most of the day. Skipped work to come home and write you this letter and mail you the music.

Perhaps you are really pissed off and not playing hard to .. ?? No. But in that case .. anyway.

I sent you You Do the song to tell you that if you ever have a nervous breakdown i will be there for you and take good care of you. It also says that i want you to break down. I mean it when i say I will be there for you because you have something that most other people do not.


Once Martin started sending marriage proposals to Heather, Heather filed an order of harassment with her local police department.

Then, of course, Martin started showing up on her doorstep.

Martin was arrested, and deeming him dangerous, the police advised Heather to stay with friends until Martin was admitted to a psychiatric facility.

We'll let Heather close it out.

"I think I was a very very random target for Martin. It was never about *me* because he had no idea who I was. I met him once while surrounded by other people and even then I was conscious of being there as a blogger, not as *me*. I have since moved country - almost continent - and I've stopped looking over my shoulder to see if Martin is walking behind me."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

PLFM Wastebasket

Folks, we originally intended to post a serious entry and a humorous entry today, but after spending all day yesterday whipping out our comedy post, the backstory fell apart and we discovered some new information that negated the entire post.

It happens, and it sucks.

Thank you PLFM reader PS for dealing with my annoying and continuous questions.

Luckily, reader JH sent me an interesting piece tonight to replace our original comedy piece.

I think you've all seen this type of guy before ladies, so get out your clam buckets and assume the position. Guys, don't ever be this guy. You may as well pack your balls in a block of cheese and march into a valley with a pan flute.

Now, I don't have any backstory on this piece as it was published on Craigslist (Chicago), but I think PLFM contributor JH summed it up best in her email:

"I saw this on missed connections on craigslist. This guy wrote a fucking novel about how this girl stopped talking to him. I can only imagine its because he's pathetic. He asked questions like 'Why are you so afraid to show any weakness?' and standard PLFM 'You clearly don't want my friendship, you don't care about me as a person at all'. Of course he goes on for much longer about how lame he is and why she clearly stopped talking to him. Its classic: sad, pathetic and totally psychotic."

Well said JH.

We're going to call it "How To 100% Guarantee You Will Never Have Sex With Your Ex-Girlfriend Again."

Hit it!

Before I left, you wanted to meet up with me. So we met up, and had dinner. Before this, we had met up a few times,. for breakfast, to the thrift store, and at your friends on the 4th. Before I left for my trip, I became very frustrated and upset. You told me that it was about me, that you were going to come see me if I wanted.

But ultimately you revealed that you wanted to see me. You also made little white lies about feeling better and doing "fun" things, like watching the fireworks which you actually didn't do. You were staying up real late at your place alone feeling bad. Why did you have to put up some kind of front to make yourself look better? Why are you so afraid to show any weakness? Why do you allow your pride to take over your ability to be real and have a meaningful conversation with someone who truly loved you? Was it some kind of sick game, a way to get back at me before I left?

See you had labeled me and my behavior incorrectly, and when we talked that night we both felt better. You actually opened up and we shared something meaningful. You had made me feel like shit by acting proud of the fact that I got upset in front of your friends because I still love you.

It was sick and I wanted to hate you, but you wouldn't let me. You told me, "I don't hate you" so we talked. You made a big effort to see that I wouldn't harbor any hard feelings against you.

But when I came back, things changed. It was a completely different behavior. You ignored me, denied me and it killed me. You don't even know how much.

But then I find out that you went on a trip. You didn't want me to interfere with your little vacation, you wouldn't allow even a hello and goodbye. And you do this in the name of "protecting" yourself. What are you protecting yourself from? Your life? Your life as you knew it? Are you protecting yourself from a feeling that you no longer wish to have for somebody you want to forget about?

I'm not a machine, I can't erase my memory or feeling after a couple of weeks. And if anything, I spiraled. I fell into such a dark place and you ignored me.

You were out east, I found out in a very strange situation. How am I supposed to feel? You say that you don't hate me, but the only thing you're doing is pushing away everything. You clearly don't want my friendship, you don't care about me as a person at all. It's so sad to see, to see how I fell into it. And you try and convince yourself that you're right because you don't have to deal with my "passive aggressiveness".

But honestly, that's a projection of yourself. "Oh hi.." Yeah, ok great, yeah I'm glad to hear from you.. I'm eating a sandwich, I don't care about your vacation, leave me the fuck alone.

I'm so ashamed that I believed you so much and that I fell for you so hard. I don't know what kind of satisfaction you get from all of this. I've never hard heartbreak like this before but I don't know what you want to believe... I think you don't want to believe.

I know you tried hard, and we had our ups and our downs. I want to heal, I really do but it's so hard to do when I feel like I have been led to believe in something that wasn't real. We had a good conversation before I left, you told me you didn't hate me... How am I supposed to heal when you ignore me like you hate me?

I've done so many things recently, had some good times and bad. It's just amazing to see how it all ended and to see my fears come true. Your friends look at me like a stranger and apparently I guess that's what I am now. Is this really about protecting yourself? What are you trying to protect yourself from?

I know I had a void in my life, and it was something that I needed to fill.. So I'm writing and going to record soon. When you have a void, you seem to have this pattern.. I was afraid of it and I guess you're better off now. I don't care if you've moved on to someone new. Isn't that whats supposed to happen? But you told me that you were always going to be there for me, that you'd still be my friend.

I just don't understand anything anymore. I really don't. I don't know why it's so hard to extend the courtesy of talking to someone that you loved and who loved you. We shared so many things and you can try as hard as you'd like to deny it but you can never take it back.

So there you go.

One large stack of "It's Your Fault" pancakes, and a nice coating of guilt syrup to finish it off.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Unhappy Endings

For most of us, the phrase "happy ending" generally refers to the climactic resolution of a story or feature film, where the protagonist realizes the glorious fruits of their labor whilst the antagonist suffers painful retribution for their previous wrongdoing.

For practitioners of massage therapy however, the term "happy ending" has an entirely different connotation, one that unfortunately does not imply the distribution of cake. Rather, a "happy ending" refers to the practice of masturbating a male to completion at the end of his massage session, creating not only a very satisfied customer, but also a boon for the absorbent paper towel industry.

While both highly illegal and unfair to trees, the practice of providing "happy endings" has become so pervasive in the massage industry that many men actually come to expect "happy endings" at the completion of their therapy sessions, making life quite difficult for a hard-working woman like Kami.

Kami runs a very successful massage therapy practice in her hometown, yet despite her hectic schedule and stellar reputation, she still finds herself repeatedly dealing with what she calls "the nastiest dregs of society."

Or what we might more commonly refer to as "those creepy dudes looking for handjobs."

A licensed massage therapist, Kami charges $60 an hour for her services and usually receives a sizable gratuity on top of her hourly fee. She maintains a website to promote her practice, and conducts most of her business through an advertised cellphone number.

While most men request Kami's services solely for medical or relaxation purposes, Kami regularly receives texts and phone calls inquiring as to whether Kami provides "happy endings" for her clients. She does not, and she no longer finds herself shocked when new clients actually become outraged when she doesn't supply such a service.

Kami recently began receiving texts from a potential new client named David. As with most new clients, Kami generally expects a few back-and-forth pleasantries and questions before the client finally decides to schedule an appointment. David took these friendly texts to a whole new level however, sending Kami a number of increasingly bone-headed questions throughout the day.

Kami eventually realized David was just looking for some conversation, so she cut David short by informing him that it was getting late, she was about to go home, and she was pretty much through answering his dumbass questions. Was he coming in or not?

David informed Kami that he had no money, but suggested Kami provide a free massage out of "the goodness of her heart."

Kami initially thought he was joking, but soon realized he was absolutely serious. When Kami told David that she did not provide her time nor her services out of "the goodness of her heart," David became extremely offended, feeling their day-long exchange of texts now constituted a friendship, and "friends shouldn't charge each other to do things."

For those of you counting, that now makes two extremely unpersuasive arguments in a row by David.

Kami firmly established she would not provide any services to David free of charge, so David instead decided to ask Kami out to dinner. Kami of course declined, realizing most restaurants don't serve their customers out of the "goodness of their hearts" either.

The next day, David began texting Kami again. Kami has countless clients named "David" saved in her cellphone, so she didn't realize this was the exact same David she had spoken with the day before. Kami initially treated David politely, having built a rather strong tolerance for the river of creeps overflowing her cellphone with requests for sexual services.

After taking a couple of texts she figured out this was indeed the David from yesterday, so Kami inquired as to whether he actually planned on coming in and scheduling an appointment, or if he just planned on texting her annoying correspondence all day. When David stalled on scheduling an appointment, Kami informed David she had a very busy schedule to attend to and no further time to discuss the specifics of her therapy sessions with David; she was very busy and needed to focus on her existing clients.

Sure enough, David came right back at Kami requesting another free massage:

David: Like I said, I'm broke. And I don't want the police to break in in the middle of my massage and tell me I'm under arrest for something else lol

Kami: Why would the police break in. You get arrested often?

David: Ha ha. Never been in trouble. But I see it on the news.

Kami: What are you talking about

David: Didn't you hear about david archuleta's dad!

Kami: Don't confuse massage therapist with whore. I'm not a whore.

David: I NEVER said you were! Just saying that it's scary sometimes.

Kami: I am offended that you'd even suggest it. I have a large clientele of businessmen and atheletes that get a good massage, nothing else. If you want to come in for something like that, I'd be willing to set you up. That's all though.

David: Well it sounds fun but like I said I am broke. But you could teach me how and then we could exchange back rubs :)

After crunching the numbers for this new "bartering" proposal from David, Kami declined his offer, realizing she had no desire to teach David anything other than how to remove the large fucking shoe she was about to launch directly up his goddamn ass.

Luckily that seemed to do the trick.

For a couple of days.

Two days later, Kami received another text.

David: That picture on the bike is in North XXXXXXXX, it looks like.

Kami: Yep

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

Suddenly realizing this was the same David that had been harassing her for the past week, Kami began to get a little freaked out.

Kami checked the picture she had posted on her website to determine what identifying feature might have given away the location of her home.

There were none. She was simply standing in her driveway in front of a garage door. Luckily, Kami had recently moved from that address and now lived in a neighboring county.

Feeling a bit relieved, David then provided her with her real name, something she was quite familiar with since it was printed on all her mail. Kami had long ago assumed a fake identity specifically for dealing with creepy dudes like David. "Color me creeped!" says Kami, instantly forcing hundreds of Crayola scientists back to the lab.

Kami ignored David for the rest of the day, but David continued to barrage her phone with annoying text messages.

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

David: Massage by Kami ... $60. Friends with David ... priceless!

David: Do you do a 100% body massage? Or is it 99%?

David: Send me a face pic
David: Are you going to give me a massage? Out of the love of your heart?

Towards the end of the day, Kami had had enough of his horse shit. She texted David and informed him she would never give him a massage, she would never work for free, she had no idea who the fuck he was, and he needed to leave her the fuck alone.




Kami fell victim to a rather unfortunate circumstance. Immediately after delivering her unpleasant diatribe to David, Kami got into her car for the long drive home and inadvertently sat on her cellphone, which has a tendency to redial the last number she texted.

So guess who came-a-texting again ...

David: You just called me.

David: Twice!

David: So it's not that I'm trying to mooch, just that I can go to massage envy for $39

David: By the way, you really have to know what you're doing when it's deep tissue.

Kami did not respond, but a few hours later, David started up again and really began to get under Kami's skin.

David: I don't see why you charge more than certified professionals.

Kami: Oh my hell you're an ass. I am LMT, and if someone sucks so bad that they are willing to work for a company and make $12 an hour, that means they couldn't hack in on their own. I DO know what I'm doing, not that you'll ever know, and seriously, leave me the fuck alone!

David: I didn't know. Thanks for the insite.

David: So you're saying that you charge $60 an hour and that's not including tips? I'm glad you can travel and live a way many can't.

... and then, a few hours later ....

David: I feel like I might be bothering you so I should maybe just leave you alone.

Jesus David, what would give you that impression?

But David actually meant it this time, and Kami didn't hear from him again.

Two months later, Kami had completely forgotten about her failed suitor David and was plowing her way through another busy day at work, when Kami received a text from one of her many clients named "David."

David: You're in XXXXXX, right?

Kami: Yes, I'm done for tonight, but I have one opening available tomorrow.

David: What is the first time special with tip included?

Kami: I don't do specials. My fee is $60 an hour without tip included.

David: No specials? So with tip your going to be like $80?

Kami: That sounds about right.

David: Hmmm...what if I give you 80 for 80 minutes.

Kami: As long as that doesn't include tip that'd be fine. My fee works out to a dollar a minute.

David: Wow, you really don't budge! What's up?

Kami: I'm good at what I do.

David: Well what are you going to say that is going to make a deal here.

Kami didn't yet realize this was the exact same David she had dealt with in the past, so she continued the conversation, though thoroughly annoyed at the thought of entertaining yet another potential cheapskate client.

David: What if I get hot and get a boner, will you get mad?

Kami: No, most clients get a boner. As long as you leave it alone, we're fine.

The client proceeded to ask Kami if she would perform the massage in a bikini, or perhaps in her bra and underwear, to which Kami replied "No."

Keeping the atmosphere professional, the client then inquired about Kami's policies regarding getting up in the middle of the massage session to go masturbate in the bathroom.

Kami figured she was dealing with another random creep, so she decided to end their conversation.

A few days later, Kami gets another text from a "David" who seems relatively normal. He is pleasant and polite, so Kami books an appointment for him and goes about her daily business. But later in the day, she began thinking about all these recent inquiries from guys named "David."

On that note, we'll let Kami close it out from here:

Sometimes, the little voice speaks and we don't listen. This happen to be one of the times I did. I called and cancelled. He wanted to know why, and I said it was personal, I'm sorry, but I have to cancel.

He threw an amazing rendition of a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. Little voice also said that I should leave all the way, so I left.

He texted me later that he was there, even though I had told him not to, and I was glad I'd left.

He texted me a few more times about how selfish and evil I was, and how I'd never have clientele being this rude and thoughtless.

It was then it occured to me that it was the same David all along, and checked out my text logs.

Yep, same guy.


"Ew" is right Kami, and so concludes another edition of Psychotic Letters.

We'd love to hear from any people out there having to go through this kind of shit with their clients, and we'd especially love to hear from any massage therapists having to deal with this "happy ending" dilemma.

(Ed Note: To clear up some confusion, apparently many massage clients don't want to provide their last names to their therapists- hence the confusion with all the "David's" in Kami's phone.)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Psychotic Letters From Women

Hey guys, we're back from a much needed break and working on a new PLFM entry for either Thursday or Friday morning. Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, my email inbox has been absolutely inundated over the last few days with a YouTube video currently making the rounds on everyone's hot sheet, so if you haven't seen it yet we're going to give you an opportunity to check it out right now.

Watch the whole thing, and then I've got a little commentary for you afterwards ....

OK, here's the reason I didn't post it earlier when it first came through my inbox .... I don't buy it.

At all.

I think it's a fantastic marketing ploy for his website and I'm sure JD has seen it pay off tremendously. In fact, I applaud him for it.

But I try really hard to keep the fake stuff off PLFM, and unfortunately my bullshit meter put a hole in my roof the size of a dishwasher about 5 minutes into this video.

One of the easiest ways we weed out the fake stories here at PLFM is to simply step back from the story as told and ask yourself "Is this really plausible?"

In this case .. I say no.

If these two had been dating for awhile, I sincerely doubt his girlfriend could simply "forget" her own boyfriend was leaving to Europe for two weeks.

On top of that, Emily would have at least informed a few of her friends at some point before his departure that JD was leaving to tour Europe, so we'd have to assume all her friends forgot as well.

JD purportedly shows emails where Emily claims to have contacted "all of JD's friends" to determine his whereabouts, and none of them replied "JD? He's in Europe, you moron."

So that's my take on it and why I chose not to post it yesterday. Nothing makes me feel dumber than posting something on PLFM or WWHM and having readers send me emails saying "Hey you fucking dumbass, that shit is fake." It happens.

(We already have a fake posted here on PLFM. I did a little more research after one particular story ran, and a few weeks later I discovered some online documentation proving she had been a bit less than truthful in her version of the story. The story is still up, and certainly not the one you might think it is.)

Maybe I'm just a jaded horse's ass, so let me know what you guys think in the comments.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

That Shit Don't Fly With Me

Two months ago PLFM started receiving a flurry of emails pointing us to a video of a recently scorned individual named "Ricky" on YouTube.

Ricky used to date a girl named Kelsi, and apparently the relationship didn't work out too well.

Needless to say, Kelsi soon returned to her ex-boyfriend, which didn't exactly sit well with Ricky. He felt Kelsi had manipulated him into believing she loved him, and then dumped his ass for an ex-boyfriend.

Like all mature adults, Ricky decided to post a video tribute to Kelsi on his Facebook page, which eventually found it's way to YouTube.

We'll let you watch the video first, and then we'll get to the rest of the story.

Now, tell me cats don't start fucking hissing the minute that guy enters a room.

Anyway, initially PLFM doubted the authenticity of this video. PLFM puts a lot of work into verifying our stories, and we didn't feel comfortable running the piece earlier because we weren't quite convinced that this wasn't just some random guy acting out a scene from a play.

Well, this week PLFM received another email from devoted PLFM reader VS informing us that Kelsi had actually posted a response to Ricky's video on YouTube, calling him a fucking psycho and congratulating him for making a complete ass out of himself in front of 33,000 people and counting.

Not only did Kelsi post her video, but Ricky's friend also stepped up to the plate and posted her own video defending Ricky.

If you'd like to watch Kelsi's video, you can click the link below.

PLFM warns you, you may start slitting your own wrists about 2 minutes into this. The first minute or so has some audio difficulties.

Kelsi's Response

If you'd like to know how this story turns out, I'm sure you can just tune in to YouTube and they'll tell you.

I promise you I won't be there.

I'm going to go take a fucking shower instead.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Anita Lopez and the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association

PLFM reader AS writes in to share a bizarre website currently making the rounds on the internet.

"John" used to work at Blue Cross Blue Shield Association with a woman named Anita Lopez. BCBSA somehow ended up firing John, and John apparently blames the loss of his job on Anita Lopez.

Since his firing John has constructed an entire website devoted to Ms. Lopez, half of which seems to demonize her for trying to take advantage of him, yet the other half very plainly professing his undying love for her.

I think PLFM reader AS puts it best:

"If Marcel Proust was a self-involved IT contractor for Blue Cross Blue Shield, this is what he would have written in the 21st century."

The website is huge; you'll find phone calls John recorded and uploaded, his complete psychological breakdown of Anita's personality, a list of restaurants they enjoyed, and several "timelines" of his relationship with her before, during and after his firing.

He also offers a recollection of his fondest moments with her which, we might note, seem to us like very normal everyday situations that John really reads too much into.

You certainly won't read the whole thing, but it's worth a look.

Anita Lopez and the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association

Fond Memories of Anita

Let us know what you guys think in the comments.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Game Night

Michelle recently accepted an invitation to join her friend and her friend's father for an evening hockey match in her hometown.

While most men might suggest women only enjoy hockey for the unruly temperment of the scarred and costumed goons blazing around the ice under the power of their rigid yet playful buttocks, Michelle rather enjoys the finer qualities of hockey.

And a fine game she witnessed; the home team scored several goals, and Michelle even caught a portion of a player's ear canal in a cup of Schlitz Malt Liquor.

Michelle's friend's father spent much of the game befriending an older gentleman in the seat next to him. Michelle, who is in her early 20s, estimates the friendy old chap was at least in his early 60's. He was a photographer, and had captured some excellent action shots of the home team scoring.

After the game the older man shared some of his handiwork with the group, and Michelle found a couple of remarkable pictures. The old man offered to send everyone in the group a few selected photos via email, so they proffered up their email addresses and everyone went about their merry way.

Michelle returned home and found an email from the gentleman in her inbox, but with no attachments. Perhaps the older gentleman was having trouble uploading the photos? Perhaps he was just letting Michelle know the pictures were on the way?

Ummm ... no.

"It is possibly the creepiest email I've gotten in my life," says Michelle. "Keep in mind while reading it that I am at least 40 years his junior and that he and I had no conversation beyond an exchange of emails and a request for photographs."

Now folks, let's pour ourselves a refreshing glass of awkward ...

Sweet Miss M,

It was indeed a pleasure meeting you tonite. It's been a very long time since I've had a one on one intelligent conversation with a lady who lives in the same universe that I do. I wanted very badly to ask you to join me next Friday nite and I don't know what stopped me. Oh,yea, you had to go powder your "nose". I just felt so very relaxed talking with you. Am I nuts?

I'd like you to know who I am. If you'd ever like to talk , I stay up until at least 12 MN everynite. I just hate going to bed. I hate hugging that long body pillow every nite. The poor thing is probably pretty doggone tired of being attacked by me, in my dreams, every nite. I get home from Church about 11:15 or so and usually spend the day staying at home. The pool in my apartment complex will be opening up soon. Yahoo!

This is hard to say. I know that I'm not supposed to like you (because of ages). It really is a miserable thing to find someone that is everything you want in a person, their personality, their career choice in a creative art area, their fantastic sense of humor, thier beauty both inward and outward, the way it feels to be with them... so relaxed like I've known her for my whole life.

And in {redacted} where I'm VERY seriously considering moving to permanently to work with a close friend of mine who is a Missionary. I was with him for two weeks a few yeas ago. It was wonderful there. And it is very common there to see men with younger wives. I think I may have my Vasectomy reversed and have a few children. On ONE FOURTH of my retirment I can live in the most luxurious townhouse or rent a house and pay all utilities, food and entertainment. To Bed and dreams.

God Bless You.



Hugh then sent a lovely and heartfelt follow-up email upselling his lifetime of panther-esque genital adventures, along with a technical description of the minutiae involved in reversing his vasectomy.

Because as we all know, nothing ignites the white-hot masturbatory fantasies of a 21 year-old woman more than an elderly individual employing the words "cauterize" and "urethra" in a single sentence whilst waxing philosopically about his own penis.

"It's probably worth noting that my friend and her father didn't get pictures from the guy," adds Michelle.

"I was the only one who heard from him at all. After sharing the email with my friend, I chose not to respond. He sent a few more emails in the same vein as this one over the course of about a week, but eventually gave up, thank god. In comparison to some of the letters on your blog, I think I got off rather lightly."

We agree with you, Michelle.

By the way, how's your "nose"?