Saturday, April 18, 2009

Idle Threats

Why do we choose to date losers?

What motivates us to pursue someone who lives at home with their parents, drinks all the time, has no motivation to do anything with their lives, and never has any goddamn fucking money?

What exactly is it that makes us say "Mmmmm, yes, boy, I want piece of that fucking action."

Like stepping on our sunglasses or forgetting where we parked our car, I like to chalk it up to plain stupidity. Sometimes we just don't know any better until it's too late.

But on the bright side, at least when you forget where you parked your car, your car doesn't threaten to kill itself.


Yeah, they pretty much do that dumb shit all the time.

Just ask Sarah.

Sarah had been dating Alec for about ten months. One day she woke up and noticed something really annoying stuck to her sweater.

It was Alec.

You see, Sarah had witnessed two dawns on that particular morning. First, the beautiful sun had dawned on her, which absolutely sparkled with possibility.

The second thing to dawn on Sarah that morning was the fact that her boyfriend Alec was a humongous loser.

Sarah had big plans for life, and had recently decided to take her first big step by applying to a university. She was accepted, and was absolutely elated at the prospect of starting a new life.

Alec was thrilled as well, and together they joined hands and danced in a small semi-circle for at least 13 minutes. Which was great, except for the fact that it never happened.

What actually happened was that Alec got upset that Sarah got into some dumb stupid college. What the hell did a retarded university have to offer Sarah that Alec couldn't provide her, aside from the well manicured ivy plants and economical food plans? And why did his girlfriend have to run off and be all, like, motivated and stuff?

See, Alec had big plans for life too. It was Wednesday, which meant that on Saturday (which was three days later!) Alec had to mow the lawn, because that was part of the agreement he had with his grandparents to live rent free in their house. And free rent is a good deal when you don't have a job in your twenties! Score!

That morning, Sarah knew what she had to do.

Sarah wanted to go out and experience life, a real life, and Alec would do nothing but hold her back from achieving her wildest dreams.

So Alec had to go.

Sarah tried to let down Alec easily at first, but Alec put up a fight. And by fight, I mean he cried like a baby.

Then he whined, and then he pleaded, and then, according to Sarah, he "punched a tree," which not only shocked our nation's arborists, but also caused the price of Sarah's college textbooks to immediately increase another 3.5%.

For reasons unbeknownst to myself, our readers, and Sarah, Sarah eventually gave in and decided to take him back. "Against my better judgement," Sarah adds.

Sarah went off to college and the problems immediately escalated. Alec called her every hour of every day to complain that he missed her, and to endlessly whine about how he never got to see her anymore.

When Alec did visit Sarah, all he did was try to pressure her into having sex with him. Which is annoying enough for most women, but even more so for Sarah, who still proudly carries her HymenBank VISA© platinum card.

Finally Sarah had had enough of it, and dumped his sorry ass.

At which point Alec immediately started threatening to kill himself.

It got bad enough that the police and Alec's family eventually had to get involved, and it turned into a really ugly situation very quickly.

Alec then began to confront Sarah at her church, so she knew it was time to extract herself from the situation. She decided to cut off all ties to Alec, and instructed him to never, ever contact her again in person, or through Facebook, email, telephone, hand-written letter or well-meaning carrier pigeon.

Alec agreed to never contact Sarah again through an extended series of well-constructed emails. Sarah then threatened him with a restraining order, and if he contacted her one more time, she would press charges.

To which Alec promptly resonded with another email.

Go ahead Alec.

dearest Sarah

first and foremost I wish to apologize for sending this last desperate plea for I know that you with good reason probably hate me. that said I can not and will not ever leave you completely. your words in the church that day were the most painful thing I could have ever heard still even though you could not have ever hurt me more than you did I still love you my love is one thing that is a hard thing to get and once you have it it is not so easy to toss away I only wish that you understand that I cannot and will not ever completely be over you.

because I stupidly fell in love with you a girl who is a selfish, arrogant, brat concerned with only one thing getting hers and the rest of the world can burn for all she cares.

oh I am sorry but that is what you are plain and simple and I only wish I could honestly say I don't care about you anymore but I can't so instead I will stupidly go on loving you for all eternity.

by the way I love you more than my own mother and that is one thing that should be scary to me because my mom went through hell to get me this far.

p.s. dont be surprised if you get this several times because I don't know if you have blocked me on here or any other site I wish you could understand the pain your words inflicted on me cause it hurt a lot to here you say you were afraid of me killing you when I have no means of doing so nor would I ever want to do such a thing.

Yeah, Sarah! You're so selfish and arrogant for going to college! Think about someone else for a change, like maybe, perhaps, oh, I don't know, maybe someone in their twenties that lives with his grandparents and is really good at Guitar Hero.

Alec once again tried to contact Sarah on her birthday, but Sarah rightfully denied all of his overtures. She then received another email from Alec, titled "now i'm gone."

To: Sarah

From: Alec

Subj: now i'm gone

and here is the reason

goodbye sarah

i tried my best but apparently it wasn't good enough

After killing himself a second time, Alec likely enjoyed some refreshing libations and a light (and certainly wholesome) chicken salad, followed by sending Sarah another harassing email a week later.

Dear Sarah

I hope you know what you have done i needed you and you aren't there and I cant go on living like this I always feel like shit I want to lay with you in the sun every day I will NEVER hurt you or intentionally bring you harm I have only love and respect for you I am confused and wish I could hold you and hear you say everything will be just fine that is truely all i ever wanted and probably all I ever will want cause you brought me true happieness

Please if I am not too late and if your heart hasn't been won by another then PLEASE help me I definitely cant stand the separation any longer If it is just Impossible for you to feel anything Please at least let us be just friends I cant sleep without it ok that is all I have to say.

I appoligize for everything I am just as much to blame for the horrible state of our friendship as you are and yes you do share the blame I don't care what you say you NEVER bring up suicide at the end of a relationship now if you think it is easier to be me than it is to be you let me remind you who had a heart attack at less than half the age he ever expected to have a heart attack at so there you have it a valid reason why we both have had hard shit to deal with.

His email went on longer, but I think we all have other things to do at this point, don't we?

Cookies are baking, dogs are peeing on the carpet, and I actually have a date in two hours, who will probably end up writing a letter about me to PLFM, and I will end up having to criticize myself.

Sarah's last email hurrah?

You're just giving me evidence I could possibly use in court for harrassment. Now get lost and STOP CONTACTING ME.

Good job, Sarah, but now you need to follow up on your threats and file a restraining order. This guy is not going away, period.

PLFM would like to add a note to you women out there currently dating losers. Yes, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.

Losers are horrible to date, but even worse when you dump them. They have nothing else to lose except you, and it always leads to situations like this or worse.

If you sit around wishing your loser boyfriend would get a life, I have a better idea. Why don't you get a life and dump your fucking loser boyfriend.


Feel free to discuss your loser boyfriends and girlfriends in the comments.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Lesson Learned

Nicole admits she had gotten a bit lonely.

New city, new job, and a long distance relationship that had recently broken down due to her boyfriend's lack of commitment.

Actually, he had plenty of commitment, but it was more focused on Nicole's best friend back home now that Nicole was no longer in town.

"It just happened, I didn't mean to hurt you," explained Nicole's BFF.

Yeah, whatever, you cold and soulless cock hoarder.

Anyway, Nicole decided to troll the murky, stagnant pond of internet dating sites to jumpstart her social life. After her personal ad had been posted for only a couple days, she got a really nice email from Andrew.

Andrew explained he had just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn't ready to jump into anything, but he really liked Nicole's personal ad.

Nicole checked out Andrew's profile on a different site, and liked what she saw, so she emailed Andrew back and the two began regularly chatting over the internet.

Andrew lived about 80 miles from Nicole, and Nicole was apprehensive about meeting someone so quickly over the internet, so she admits she wasn't exactly pushing to meet with Andrew right off the bat.

Andrew and Nicole began chatting every night for hours on end, and Nicole admits she began using Andrew as an outlet for her troubled emotional state. She told him about problems she was having at her job, and at one point sought out help from Andrew about some issues with her car.

Two points that would eventually come back to haunt her.

One night Andrew told Nicole he wanted to send Nicole over some pictures so Nicole could see what he "actually" looked like. Andrew sent her three pictures via email the next day, and Nicole opened them while she was at work.

After opening the first picture, Nicole says was quite disappointed. Andrew had apparently posted some very old pictures on his dating profile, because he didn't look much like the guy she saw online. Says Nicole, "He was quite out of shape and he had grown some facial hair, and he wearing a dirty white tank top."

The second picture wasn't any more enticing, and then she got to the third. Andrew had sent her a picture of his dick. "I was so totally grossed out," she said.

When Nicole logged on that night, Andrew was waiting for her.

Nicole: why did you send me that?
Andrew: what
Nicole: you know what
Andrew: ur going to see it eventually lol
Nicole: no im not
Andrew: you don't like it?
Nicole: that was so rude i opened it at work
Andrew: show it to anyone did you
Nicole: you dont get it do you
Andrew: get what
Nicole: youre an ass and you dont even realize it goodbye andy

... and with that Nicole logged off and decided to not talk to Andrew anymore.

Nicole ignored Andrew from that point on, but Andrew didn't quite ignore Nicole. Andrew sent her emails, sometimes 2 or 3 a day, asking her to log on that night so he could apologize. Nicole never did, hoping the problem would just go away, but it didn't.


I miss you and I want to sincerely apologize. I dont want things to turn out this way. I made a stupid mistake and I shouldnt have sent that to you and I apologize for that again but is that a reason to shut me out of your life? Was it that serious to you? Please talk to me tonight, I miss you and want to know how XXXXXXXXXX is doing. I dont think we should throw away this friendship over nothing? I'll be on about 10 if you want to talk. Hope youre there!


Nicole continued to read Andrew's emails for about a week, but never responded to them.

Two weeks later, Nicole was at her desk at work when a co-worker came up to her and told her there was someone waiting for her in the lobby.

His name was Andy.

"I was freaking out," says Nicole, "so I told her to tell him I wasn't there and I went and hid in the back office for the rest of the day. I didn't know what to do and at this point I was pretty scared because he knew where I worked."

And then it gets worse.

Nicole had a male co-worker walk her out to the parking lot after work. There was a note on her car underneath the windshield wiper. "I had totally forgotten that he knew what kind of car I drove because we had talked about it online."

Nicole read the note.

"I know you are here and I only came to apologize to your fat face. Fuck you bitch!!! You better watch your back!!!"

Nicole didn't know what to do at this point, and says she felt like she was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Later that night, Nicole says she gathered up the courage to sit down and write an email to Andrew expressing that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. She sent the following email:

I no longer want anything to do with you Andy XXXXXXXX. I do not want you to contact me through email or instant messenger. Please do not come to my job or anywhere near my place of employment. If you ever contact me again I will file a restraining order against you which will become a matter of public record. I advise you to take this email seriously. I have kept your emails and I have the note you left on my car as evidence. DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN.


Nicole sent the email to Andrew and got an almost instant response from Andrew.

Fuck you cunt quit contacting me.

Nicole says she thought about filing a restraining order right away, but didn't. She didn't sleep well that night, or the whole week for that matter. She had a male co-worker meet her in the parking lot every morning before work, and every night he walked her to her car. "I didn't go anywhere without someone by my side, and had to have my sister take me to the grocery store."

Her threat to Andrew apparently worked, because Nicole didn't hear from Andrew again.

Until a month later.

Nicole left work to find someone had smashed a milkshake all over the passenger door of her car. "I knew in my heart it was probably Andy, but I figured the police would tell me I had to prove it."

She didn't need to.

Nicole came home from work to find an email from Andrew on her computer.

"Hey you dumb cunt just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you."

Attached was a picture of Andrew jacking off.

Nicole immediately called her friend to come over. They gathered up all the evidence Nicole had collected from Andrew, and filed a restraining order against him that night.

Thankfully, Nicole never heard from Andrew again.

Two years later, Nicole says it had a profound effect on her life. She ended up selling her car, leaving her job, and moving back home. It wasn't all about Andrew, but she says he was certainly a motivating factor.

Once home, ironically, her ex-boyfriend tried to re-kindle their relationship after he had slept with her best friend.

"I just couldn't win with men," Nicole says, "I was seriously thinking about living a lesbian lifestyle on a permanent basis."

Her one small victory in all of this?

"I heard (my ex boyfriend) got herpes and gave it to my ex friend. It couldn't have happened to two more deserving people."

Nicole says she is now happily engaged to a great man, but wants to send a word of advice to people reading PLFM.

"Looking back now, I realize I was naive and this was partially my fault for telling Andrew where I worked. But never reveal anything about yourself online to anyone, because you never know who you are dealing with."

Good advice Nicole.

Good advice.

If you've been stalked, feel free to post it in the comments.

If you have letters, feel free to send them in to PLFM at

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

New Year's Heave

We all tend to go a little crazy on New Years Eve.

We go out, we get astoundingly drunk, and we hang out with a bunch of other crazy people we don't know. And it's great time, because everyone's being crazy.

But therein lies an interesting problem.

If we're all expected to act crazy on New Year's Eve, how do we discern normal people acting crazy because it's New Year's Eve from the people that are actually psychologically crazy?

How do we know who's just having fun vs. who goes home from the bar and sews a coin purse from the scrotum of the neighbor's dog?

The answer is, we don't.

And unfortunately, Erika found out the hard way.

Erika went out on New Year's Eve with some friends, and some friends of friends. Normally a pretty safe and secure group if you trust your friends, which obviously you should.

Erika admits she's a little off-kilter, and ended up meeting a nice gentleman named Robert. Robert and Erika really hit it off that night, and Erika was rather charmed by Robert's sick and twisted sense of humor.

Robert kept mentioning he was crazy, but Erika assumed he meant like the boyish "I'm so crazy, I find the most disgusting things funny.... ..." type of crazy.

Robert lived about an hour of town, and the two lovebirds were drunk out of their minds, so Erika invited Robert to spend the night at her apartment.

They went home and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. They exchanged some DNA, exchanged their phone numbers, and had a great time.

"The next morning," Erika says, "everything seemed totally cool."

Robert returned home, and Erika and Robert spent the next few weeks text messaging each other daily. They had a funky little long-distance romance going, and couldn't wait to see each other in a couple weeks when Robert was coming back into town for the weekend.

Finally the big weekend arrived, only Robert didn't arrive with the weekend. He never came by at all. Erika was a bit concerned, until she got a text message late on Saturday night from Robert.

Robert: Sorry, I was in jail.

Erika: For what?

Robert: I about damn killed that boy.

Now, this concerned Erika.

Most people call frantically from jail, screaming of false arrests, confusing circumstances, and huge misunderstandings.

Robert, on the other hand, said "I'm in jail" the same way you or I might say "Please pass the green beans" at a pleasant Thanksgiving dinner hosted by your grandparents.

Erika was beginning to have second thoughts about her quirky New Years Eve lover, but dismissed it as an isolated incident. He seemed like a really nice guy, and they had a lot in common.

A couple days later, Robert sent her a new text asking Erika for a picture.

Erika: What do I get out of this?

Robert: Have faith.

Erika: Faith we will get to hang out this weekend?

Robert: Faith that I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to whoop you.

Erika: What?!!?

Robert: Have faith that I will get drunk and beat you to death with my fist.

Erika's jaw hit the ground.

There had been no argument, no miscommunications, nothing. "I stopped all communication with him at that point," Erika says, "I hadn't done anything to make him mad."

The next weekend Erika was out at a bar when her phone rang. She looked at phone and saw "Robert" on her screen, and assumed it was another Robert she knew. She answered the phone to find "I'm going to beat you to death with my fist" Robert on the other line.

He was in town, and wanted to get together. Erika told him that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Robert explained that he had just been joking with her, and figured she would understand that he was kidding around. He just had a crazy sense of humor.

"I don't really want anyone to tell me they're going to kill me, joking or not," Erika told him. He pleaded with her to no avail, and Erika eventually ended the conversation. It was over and done with, she thought. She promptly changed his phone ID to "Robert Do Not Answer."

Then the texts and phone calls really started coming in at all hours of the day and night. Robert called her constantly, pleading for her to pick up the phone. He called from other phones and left messages for her. She ignored all his texts and phone calls.

Finally, during Mardi Gras, Robert decided to leave Erika some special messages at 2:45 in the morning.

Take it away, Robert.

(Edited for clarity. As if that helps any.)

Message #1

Suck my dick like an ice cream bar. You know who I am, you don't want to know. Cause I'll fuck you in your bootyhole. I'm crazy. I'll use dawn dishwashing liquid to fuck you in the pussy, you dirty old dish liquid. I hope you die you dirty old whore.

And 2 minutes later:

Message #2

It's a goddamn mother fucking thing you didn't answer your goddamn mother fucking phone. Cause you fucking fatass motherfucker don't ever get no dick in your life and now you have to worry about Robert in your life. But don't worry because I'm going to pimp your ass and when you hear a thump at 2 in the morning, you know it's gonna be Robert up in the motherfucker.

And you know Dean's got your number. Dean's got your number. So it ain't just me, it ain't just me. You stupid ass whore. you come all the way from my city, you stupid ass mother fucker. You rich ass. Toyota. Toyota.

Certainly sounds like someone needs a prescription. But is he done?

Two nights later, Robert sends a solitary text to Erika.

"It is what it is."

True indeed Robert.

It what it is.

Thankfully, Erika hasn't heard from him since. She adds:

"I'm not sure if he got bored of me, or gave me up for Lent."

Let's hope both.