Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Definition: Rebuffed

Years ago, Andrew dated Carla for a short time.

To put it lightly, Andrew was a fucking dick.

A self-confessed drug addict, manipulative liar and unfaithful louse, Andrew unceremoniously dumped Carla for another woman.

Got it so far?

Let’s flash forward six years later.

Through the magnificently intrusive horror we call Facebook, Andrew locates Carla and decides it might be a good time to try and manipulate her emotions once again make amends.

Hence, Andrew carefully dusted off his beloved velvet smoking jacket, lit a fire in the study, and lovingly invited his long hair cat Persicles to nest in his lap as a muse.

Lighting his corn cob pipe, he poured himself a tiny glass of sherry and longingly touched quill pen to parchment, in want of expressing lonely, lost truths.

And there he found it.

His “feelings.”

He pondered what could have been … nay … what should have been.

And then, of course, he composed a vomit-inducing, remarkably self-absorbed ode to his own pain.

Oh, how he hurts.

He wanted to undo what he had once done …

He wanted to right his wrongs …

He wanted to …

Oh, fuck it.

Position your barf bucket.

(click picture for original size)

(It has come to my attention this exchange was stripped from a site called LameBook. Here's their entry:

Thanks MG!)


  1. oooh...fresh Weasel! :D

    and lol at "he wanted to...oh fuck it". Yeah, fucking it probably was what he was wanting. That sentance makes more sense than you probably meant.

    I loved loved LOVED her response. I think an bucket of ice dumped in his pants would have been far more subtle. And her husband...he's got style.

    Best exchange I think you've posted.

  2. I think Andy got a thesaurus as a gift and wanted to try it out. What a douche.

  3. The best two-sentence response to that message possible.

  4. Oh Sweet Baby Cheeses, is Andy delusional, or what? Carla and Lee's responses are perfect.

  5. Yeah, he's totally over-abusing his thesaurus. Also, Carla seems awesome and I'm glad she came out of whatever hellhole Andy caused unscathed.

  6. He's absuing a thesaurus and Step 4. What a bad combination.

    I liked Carla's response--short and to the point.

  7. Lee's response is awesome.

  8. Dear god, that's taking slimy and self obsessed to a whole new level. Thank god that she dodged that patronizing asshole. Now we just need a not wanted poster of sorts so that the rest of womankind may share in her good fortune!

    Btw, Carla, you're awesome!

  9. I don't want to sound cliched . . .

    Cliches would have been better. I mean, wtf is a "viral shadow" anyway?

  10. I cannot decide whether Carla or Lee had a more perfect response.

  11. Will the basement dwellers be able, even in this clear-cut case, to find reasons to point out why women are such atrocious creatures?

  12. A viral shadow? Probably means he got herpes :)

  13. What the fuck is "self-writhe"? Not to mention all his hyperbolic, overblown, unnecessary, lengthy, adjective-heavy, cliched, tormented sentences (heh).

    Carla and Lee have the best responses ever. I love that hers was so utterly, gorgeously dismissive, but the contrast between Andy's psychotic letter and Lee's awesome letter was even better.

  14. "...your name just didn`t make the list" - that`s priceless ! ;-)

  15. Jingle Belle and Anon 12:14, I agree with you entirely.

    Lol. Just lol.

  16. WOW! THIS is why I'm SO very glad I'm not on Facebook...Lee's response was the BEST. EVER.

  17. Good grief.. they're called paragraphs Andy!

    It will take me a while to read Andy's letter but Carla and Lee's responses are awesome.

  18. Andy's letter reminds me of something out of a cheesy Harlequin romance novel...gag worthy and so fake it's disgusting.

    Carla's hubby's response was awesome though!

  19. Way to rip the picture off of lamebook and remove their watermark.

  20. @anon 4:12pm

    I knew I read this somewhere before. I wonder, why did she need to pull the picture off of LB if it was really her who submitted this? LB pixels the avatar themselves and this matches the LB picture. PLFM is slipping.

  21. Lee and Carla ROCK.

  22. I find it impossible to believe that Andrew didn't reply to either of the responses.

  23. Y'know Anon 4:12 & 7:39

    FB is public domain, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if someone send this to Weasel and to LB.

    Icing on the cake though is it's not on LB at this time. So by some *rare* chance I missed it, why not post the link? Show the proof!

  24. I love how Andy says he's not trying to be melodramatic. I wonder what his letter would have sounded like if he'd actually been trying.

    I'm in love with Lee. :)

  25. "I hope not to sound overly cliche, melodramatic or self depreciating"
    Yeah Andrew,you did an amazing job of dodging that particular bullet. "The serpentine spirit of my on (sic) demise"? WTF?
    Carla and Lee's responses are awesome :)

  26. Eccentric_Lady here is your proof it was on lamebook Nov 5. I had to search through 96 pages to find it again :)

  27. Dear god, did he just sit down with a thesaurus and throw in all the alliterative words that he could find.

    It doesn't make him sound sincere, it makes him sound like an A grade suck douche.

  28. Dear Andy,

    I just don't think so, buddy. You've been pwned by Carla and Lee.

    Try becoming a human being someday.

    Love and kisses,
    Ms. K

  29. Woah, BURN! What a pretentious dick her ex is. She made a good choice in marriage.

  30. Eccent. Lady,

    LB pixelates their names and avatars. Someone whited out the names here but the pixeled avatars are the same. At least give some credit to the source.

  31. Hey Anon 1:17

    So you were right about it being posted on Lamebook first. But the kicker here is I'm quite sure Weasel didn't just snag it and claim it was his own - for he's always given credit where credit's due if he knows! Someone prolly sent it to him and neglected to tell him where it was taken from. =/

  32. There is some way to blame the woman on this one, I'm sure of it.

  33. Wow, Andy sounds a lot like me ex-boyfriend. I'm so happy that he is an EX-bf.

  34. Andy gets a very few points for writing something that looks like an apology. We've seen many letters here from men who would remind Carla how awful *she* was, but he'll graciously give her another chance.

    However, I'm immediately taking those points away for suggesting that he wants to be part of her life again, and assigning negative points for style and incorrect word use.

    A note to the men reading this (and the ladies too!) - this is what a real apology would look like:

    I was a douche and treated you like shit. I'm sorry. I'm trying to become a better person.

    Now wouldn't that be refreshing?

  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

  36. Lee = tough guy, macho douche response
    He peed on the beautiful icing Carla laid.

  37. What kind of moron posts a personal "letter" like that on someone's Wall for other people to read? Maybe he was trying to fish for Carla's single friends as well.

  38. I agree that Carla and Lee both had responses that were awesome. I am kind of wondering, though, why they are friends on Facebook at all?

  39. Holy'd think that if someone actually knew what all those big words meant, they'd also understand the necessity of PARAGRAPHS. That was absolutely painful to read.

  40. @ anon 12:50am

    Would people make up their fucking minds?!?!

    First of all, Lee did not get all macho, what he said was he would meet him for coffee--not kick his fucking head in, which is probably where I would have gone, so I would have peed on her icing--Lee just offered some of the companionship Alan so clearly wanted.

    Besides, after that letter, the only reasonable, rational response is to want to beat the shit out of Alan.

    Why are denying the reality of things? I tell you what, once everyone agrees men aren't going to be violent anymore, war, rape, fighting are over, we can all reprimand Lee for his response, until then, deal with fucking reality--people hurt each other, and some of them bring it on themselves and deserve it. Fucking with another man's wife makes Alan one of the deserving.

    His wife didn't seem to mind. That's the other thing: for everyone like you Anon, there's another woman out there who wants a man who acts like an 'ugh' typical man.

  41. "That's the other thing: for everyone like you Anon, there's another woman out there who wants a man who acts like an 'ugh' typical man."

    I really don't think that there's a large group of women out there that want men to have their irritating temper tantrums.

  42. I loved your lead-in, Weasel, made it better than just the lamebook post. Carla's two-line rebuff was awesome and Lee followed up for the win.

  43. FWIW, Carla posted her reply after Lee. I think Lee posted a perfectly awesome reply to this douche, too. He could've just come out and said "BACK THE FUCK OFF OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS" but he didn't. He threw some of Andy's words right back into his face and it was beautiful to behold. Also, according to Lee, Carla actually helped write his responce to Andy.

    Also, Andy did reply but LameBook didn't post it. He immediately wished them well and said he'd delete her page and not bother them again.

    I think any less of a show of "force" from both of them would've just encouraged this pathetic stain on humanity to just keep trying.

    It was beautiful, brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. Carla and Lee FTW!

  44. This guy almost makes me hate the serial comma. And I LOVE the serial comma, folks. What a pain in the eye sockets.

  45. Smackdown delivered!

  46. I have no problem with this one. The ex is clearly a douche.

    And this woman isn't helpless.

    There is a huge difference between saying both parties have equal responsibilities, and saying "oh it was all her/his fault." I have a theory about people who can't make the distinction.

    1. Unwilling to act responsibly, they places to confirm (like this blog) that having a vagina void this social norm.

    2. Are men who believe that vagina and tits interfere with a woman's ability to think.

    3. Are sexist men and woman who have been socially conditioned to believe being female abdicates good choices.

    I believe women can make good choices just like men. If that makes me a basement dweler then so be it. I've certainly been called worse.

    I believe women can be equals in a relationship, whether they succeed or fail. If that makes me scum of the earth, fine.

    I believe being female doesn't' abdicate responsibility. There's a notion on this blog and all over the world that being female makes us utterly helpless.

    I know men prefer us irrational, helpless, deferential to men and silent( Blah, blah, blah). I'm saying that's not true (which means there just has to be something wrong with me.)

    We have gate keepers in our midst redefining our words. Just as "feminist" is now "bad" they undermine "equal responsibility" by calling it "blaming the woman." Even the suggestion that a woman might have "some responsibility" is relabeled to "blaming the woman." And how easily our minds accept that latter is a definition for the former.

    The honest work done to help battered women has been twisted and is being twisted here, to make us believe we are too weak to make good choices.

    The thing is, and maybe you don't know this, but when battered women get help, one of the things they have to face is their responsibility in the relationship.He beat her, but she allowed it. On some level even I cringe when I hear that, but the problem is, if she doesn't learn she had a choice, she can't make a different choice in the future.This enormously different from saying it was all her fault because she let him hit her. No. No. No.

    No matter what the Gate Keepers say, blame and responsibility, are not the same thing.

  47. "The dark dungeon of selfishness"? "A cataclysmic destruction of self-writhe"? "Bitten and suffocated by the serpentine spirit of my on (sic) demise"?

    I hope this guy's never got anyone pregnant, but it's probably a futile hope considering how prolifically he's churning out literary abortions. At the rate of two or three a sentence. I feel like I need to shower after reading that.

  48. Er. I meant to type, "I hope this guy's never gotten anyone pregnant." Why do typos always attack when you're making fun of someone else's lack of skill?

  49. nightspoken, "never got anyone pregnant" is perfectly okay grammar. Sounds a bit British--but there are people who call "gotten" an American barbarism.

  50. If you want to be uber-technical you should say that, "never got anyone pregnant" is correct grammar. Grammar is an idea and can't "feel" okay, good, bad etc...

  51. From Carla and husband ------> Andrew..."BURN!!!!!!!!!!"

  52. What a knob!

    But at least he had the decency to realise he was a knob and ask for forgivness!!!

    Maybe that was part of his 12 step program!!!

  53. There's a disturbing question over at The Terrorist's Advocate.

    Think carefully before answering. It's not meant as a tasteless joke.

    After reading this love letter, I think you can come up with a good answer.

  54. Wow, what a completely irrelevant way to plug your own blog.

  55. i just punched a bearFebruary 13, 2010 at 10:00 AM

    So has Andrew been taking creative writing classes at the local community college and was just wanting to unleash his, ah, newfound skills?

    Carla's response FTW.

    P.S. Twenty bucks Andrew has a word of the day calendar he's been itching to put into use for the past year.

  56. here here Lee...great retort

  57. foolishness. Andrew's an idiot, Carla responded perfectly, and Lee's an ass.

  58. Sounds a bit like my old ex. Sent me a rambling letter like that, but with more arrogance.

  59. He reminds me of someone I know who has written me unwanted e-mails like that. It seems selfish. They're probably well aware that the receiver won't like it yet they still do it. Also, it's so disrespectful sending it knowing she's married. It doesn't matter what his feelings for her are at that point. He needs to put them aside, step out of her life, and move on with his.

  60. What scares me is that my ex has sent me messages in the same tone and with the same amount of melodrama, begging me to come back. Seriously chilling.

  61. Time is money as the old saying goes, and by studying this submits, I realized that I saved myself a variety of valuable time, which would have been otherwise spent on studying low consistency data throughout the almighty web. Thank you for the straight to the point, beneficial enters

  62. He was aware of her being "engaged", and clearly states this in his letter, TWICE. He was just saying sorry, guys...

  63. Andy may be pitiful, but you're all a bunch of assholes.

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