Psychotic Letters From Men

For most of us, the phrase "happy ending" generally refers to the climactic resolution of a story or feature film, where the protagonist realizes the glorious fruits of their labor whilst the antagonist suffers painful retribution for their previous wrongdoing.

For practitioners of massage therapy however, the term "happy ending" has an entirely different connotation, one that unfortunately does not imply the distribution of cake. Rather, a "happy ending" refers to the practice of masturbating a male to completion at the end of his massage session, creating not only a very satisfied customer, but also a boon for the absorbent paper towel industry.

While both highly illegal and unfair to trees, the practice of providing "happy endings" has become so pervasive in the massage industry that many men actually come to expect "happy endings" at the completion of their therapy sessions, making life quite difficult for a hard-working woman like Kami.

Kami runs a very successful massage therapy practice in her hometown, yet despite her hectic schedule and stellar reputation, she still finds herself repeatedly dealing with what she calls "the nastiest dregs of society."

Or what we might more commonly refer to as "those creepy dudes looking for handjobs."

A licensed massage therapist, Kami charges $60 an hour for her services and usually receives a sizable gratuity on top of her hourly fee. She maintains a website to promote her practice, and conducts most of her business through an advertised cellphone number.

While most men request Kami's services solely for medical or relaxation purposes, Kami regularly receives texts and phone calls inquiring as to whether Kami provides "happy endings" for her clients. She does not, and she no longer finds herself shocked when new clients actually become outraged when she doesn't supply such a service.

Kami recently began receiving texts from a potential new client named David. As with most new clients, Kami generally expects a few back-and-forth pleasantries and questions before the client finally decides to schedule an appointment. David took these friendly texts to a whole new level however, sending Kami a number of increasingly bone-headed questions throughout the day.

Kami eventually realized David was just looking for some conversation, so she cut David short by informing him that it was getting late, she was about to go home, and she was pretty much through answering his dumbass questions. Was he coming in or not?

David informed Kami that he had no money, but suggested Kami provide a free massage out of "the goodness of her heart."

Kami initially thought he was joking, but soon realized he was absolutely serious. When Kami told David that she did not provide her time nor her services out of "the goodness of her heart," David became extremely offended, feeling their day-long exchange of texts now constituted a friendship, and "friends shouldn't charge each other to do things."

For those of you counting, that now makes two extremely unpersuasive arguments in a row by David.

Kami firmly established she would not provide any services to David free of charge, so David instead decided to ask Kami out to dinner. Kami of course declined, realizing most restaurants don't serve their customers out of the "goodness of their hearts" either.

The next day, David began texting Kami again. Kami has countless clients named "David" saved in her cellphone, so she didn't realize this was the exact same David she had spoken with the day before. Kami initially treated David politely, having built a rather strong tolerance for the river of creeps overflowing her cellphone with requests for sexual services.

After taking a couple of texts she figured out this was indeed the David from yesterday, so Kami inquired as to whether he actually planned on coming in and scheduling an appointment, or if he just planned on texting her annoying correspondence all day. When David stalled on scheduling an appointment, Kami informed David she had a very busy schedule to attend to and no further time to discuss the specifics of her therapy sessions with David; she was very busy and needed to focus on her existing clients.

Sure enough, David came right back at Kami requesting another free massage:

David: Like I said, I'm broke. And I don't want the police to break in in the middle of my massage and tell me I'm under arrest for something else lol

Kami: Why would the police break in. You get arrested often?

David: Ha ha. Never been in trouble. But I see it on the news.

Kami: What are you talking about

David: Didn't you hear about david archuleta's dad!

Kami: Don't confuse massage therapist with whore. I'm not a whore.

David: I NEVER said you were! Just saying that it's scary sometimes.

Kami: I am offended that you'd even suggest it. I have a large clientele of businessmen and atheletes that get a good massage, nothing else. If you want to come in for something like that, I'd be willing to set you up. That's all though.

David: Well it sounds fun but like I said I am broke. But you could teach me how and then we could exchange back rubs :)

After crunching the numbers for this new "bartering" proposal from David, Kami declined his offer, realizing she had no desire to teach David anything other than how to remove the large fucking shoe she was about to launch directly up his goddamn ass.

Luckily that seemed to do the trick.

For a couple of days.

Two days later, Kami received another text.

David: That picture on the bike is in North XXXXXXXX, it looks like.

Kami: Yep

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

Suddenly realizing this was the same David that had been harassing her for the past week, Kami began to get a little freaked out.

Kami checked the picture she had posted on her website to determine what identifying feature might have given away the location of her home.

There were none. She was simply standing in her driveway in front of a garage door. Luckily, Kami had recently moved from that address and now lived in a neighboring county.

Feeling a bit relieved, David then provided her with her real name, something she was quite familiar with since it was printed on all her mail. Kami had long ago assumed a fake identity specifically for dealing with creepy dudes like David. "Color me creeped!" says Kami, instantly forcing hundreds of Crayola scientists back to the lab.

Kami ignored David for the rest of the day, but David continued to barrage her phone with annoying text messages.

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

David: Massage by Kami ... $60. Friends with David ... priceless!

David: Do you do a 100% body massage? Or is it 99%?

David: Send me a face pic
.
David: Are you going to give me a massage? Out of the love of your heart?

Towards the end of the day, Kami had had enough of his horse shit. She texted David and informed him she would never give him a massage, she would never work for free, she had no idea who the fuck he was, and he needed to leave her the fuck alone.

Done?

Yes!

No.

Kami fell victim to a rather unfortunate circumstance. Immediately after delivering her unpleasant diatribe to David, Kami got into her car for the long drive home and inadvertently sat on her cellphone, which has a tendency to redial the last number she texted.

So guess who came-a-texting again ...

David: You just called me.

David: Twice!

David: So it's not that I'm trying to mooch, just that I can go to massage envy for $39

David: By the way, you really have to know what you're doing when it's deep tissue.

Kami did not respond, but a few hours later, David started up again and really began to get under Kami's skin.

David: I don't see why you charge more than certified professionals.

Kami: Oh my hell you're an ass. I am LMT, and if someone sucks so bad that they are willing to work for a company and make $12 an hour, that means they couldn't hack in on their own. I DO know what I'm doing, not that you'll ever know, and seriously, leave me the fuck alone!

David: I didn't know. Thanks for the insite.

David: So you're saying that you charge $60 an hour and that's not including tips? I'm glad you can travel and live a way many can't.

... and then, a few hours later ....

David: I feel like I might be bothering you so I should maybe just leave you alone.

Jesus David, what would give you that impression?

But David actually meant it this time, and Kami didn't hear from him again.

Two months later, Kami had completely forgotten about her failed suitor David and was plowing her way through another busy day at work, when Kami received a text from one of her many clients named "David."

David: You're in XXXXXX, right?

Kami: Yes, I'm done for tonight, but I have one opening available tomorrow.

David: What is the first time special with tip included?

Kami: I don't do specials. My fee is $60 an hour without tip included.

David: No specials? So with tip your going to be like $80?

Kami: That sounds about right.

David: Hmmm...what if I give you 80 for 80 minutes.

Kami: As long as that doesn't include tip that'd be fine. My fee works out to a dollar a minute.

David: Wow, you really don't budge! What's up?

Kami: I'm good at what I do.

David: Well what are you going to say that is going to make a deal here.

Kami didn't yet realize this was the exact same David she had dealt with in the past, so she continued the conversation, though thoroughly annoyed at the thought of entertaining yet another potential cheapskate client.

David: What if I get hot and get a boner, will you get mad?

Kami: No, most clients get a boner. As long as you leave it alone, we're fine.

The client proceeded to ask Kami if she would perform the massage in a bikini, or perhaps in her bra and underwear, to which Kami replied "No."

Keeping the atmosphere professional, the client then inquired about Kami's policies regarding getting up in the middle of the massage session to go masturbate in the bathroom.

Kami figured she was dealing with another random creep, so she decided to end their conversation.

A few days later, Kami gets another text from a "David" who seems relatively normal. He is pleasant and polite, so Kami books an appointment for him and goes about her daily business. But later in the day, she began thinking about all these recent inquiries from guys named "David."

On that note, we'll let Kami close it out from here:

Sometimes, the little voice speaks and we don't listen. This happen to be one of the times I did. I called and cancelled. He wanted to know why, and I said it was personal, I'm sorry, but I have to cancel.

He threw an amazing rendition of a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. Little voice also said that I should leave all the way, so I left.

He texted me later that he was there, even though I had told him not to, and I was glad I'd left.

He texted me a few more times about how selfish and evil I was, and how I'd never have clientele being this rude and thoughtless.

It was then it occured to me that it was the same David all along, and checked out my text logs.

Yep, same guy.

Ew.

"Ew" is right Kami, and so concludes another edition of Psychotic Letters.

We'd love to hear from any people out there having to go through this kind of shit with their clients, and we'd especially love to hear from any massage therapists having to deal with this "happy ending" dilemma.

(Ed Note: To clear up some confusion, apparently many massage clients don't want to provide their last names to their therapists- hence the confusion with all the "David's" in Kami's phone.)