Thursday, August 13, 2009

Unhappy Endings

For most of us, the phrase "happy ending" generally refers to the climactic resolution of a story or feature film, where the protagonist realizes the glorious fruits of their labor whilst the antagonist suffers painful retribution for their previous wrongdoing.

For practitioners of massage therapy however, the term "happy ending" has an entirely different connotation, one that unfortunately does not imply the distribution of cake. Rather, a "happy ending" refers to the practice of masturbating a male to completion at the end of his massage session, creating not only a very satisfied customer, but also a boon for the absorbent paper towel industry.

While both highly illegal and unfair to trees, the practice of providing "happy endings" has become so pervasive in the massage industry that many men actually come to expect "happy endings" at the completion of their therapy sessions, making life quite difficult for a hard-working woman like Kami.

Kami runs a very successful massage therapy practice in her hometown, yet despite her hectic schedule and stellar reputation, she still finds herself repeatedly dealing with what she calls "the nastiest dregs of society."

Or what we might more commonly refer to as "those creepy dudes looking for handjobs."

A licensed massage therapist, Kami charges $60 an hour for her services and usually receives a sizable gratuity on top of her hourly fee. She maintains a website to promote her practice, and conducts most of her business through an advertised cellphone number.

While most men request Kami's services solely for medical or relaxation purposes, Kami regularly receives texts and phone calls inquiring as to whether Kami provides "happy endings" for her clients. She does not, and she no longer finds herself shocked when new clients actually become outraged when she doesn't supply such a service.

Kami recently began receiving texts from a potential new client named David. As with most new clients, Kami generally expects a few back-and-forth pleasantries and questions before the client finally decides to schedule an appointment. David took these friendly texts to a whole new level however, sending Kami a number of increasingly bone-headed questions throughout the day.

Kami eventually realized David was just looking for some conversation, so she cut David short by informing him that it was getting late, she was about to go home, and she was pretty much through answering his dumbass questions. Was he coming in or not?

David informed Kami that he had no money, but suggested Kami provide a free massage out of "the goodness of her heart."

Kami initially thought he was joking, but soon realized he was absolutely serious. When Kami told David that she did not provide her time nor her services out of "the goodness of her heart," David became extremely offended, feeling their day-long exchange of texts now constituted a friendship, and "friends shouldn't charge each other to do things."

For those of you counting, that now makes two extremely unpersuasive arguments in a row by David.

Kami firmly established she would not provide any services to David free of charge, so David instead decided to ask Kami out to dinner. Kami of course declined, realizing most restaurants don't serve their customers out of the "goodness of their hearts" either.

The next day, David began texting Kami again. Kami has countless clients named "David" saved in her cellphone, so she didn't realize this was the exact same David she had spoken with the day before. Kami initially treated David politely, having built a rather strong tolerance for the river of creeps overflowing her cellphone with requests for sexual services.

After taking a couple of texts she figured out this was indeed the David from yesterday, so Kami inquired as to whether he actually planned on coming in and scheduling an appointment, or if he just planned on texting her annoying correspondence all day. When David stalled on scheduling an appointment, Kami informed David she had a very busy schedule to attend to and no further time to discuss the specifics of her therapy sessions with David; she was very busy and needed to focus on her existing clients.

Sure enough, David came right back at Kami requesting another free massage:

David: Like I said, I'm broke. And I don't want the police to break in in the middle of my massage and tell me I'm under arrest for something else lol

Kami: Why would the police break in. You get arrested often?

David: Ha ha. Never been in trouble. But I see it on the news.

Kami: What are you talking about

David: Didn't you hear about david archuleta's dad!

Kami: Don't confuse massage therapist with whore. I'm not a whore.

David: I NEVER said you were! Just saying that it's scary sometimes.

Kami: I am offended that you'd even suggest it. I have a large clientele of businessmen and atheletes that get a good massage, nothing else. If you want to come in for something like that, I'd be willing to set you up. That's all though.

David: Well it sounds fun but like I said I am broke. But you could teach me how and then we could exchange back rubs :)

After crunching the numbers for this new "bartering" proposal from David, Kami declined his offer, realizing she had no desire to teach David anything other than how to remove the large fucking shoe she was about to launch directly up his goddamn ass.

Luckily that seemed to do the trick.

For a couple of days.

Two days later, Kami received another text.

David: That picture on the bike is in North XXXXXXXX, it looks like.

Kami: Yep

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

Suddenly realizing this was the same David that had been harassing her for the past week, Kami began to get a little freaked out.

Kami checked the picture she had posted on her website to determine what identifying feature might have given away the location of her home.

There were none. She was simply standing in her driveway in front of a garage door. Luckily, Kami had recently moved from that address and now lived in a neighboring county.

Feeling a bit relieved, David then provided her with her real name, something she was quite familiar with since it was printed on all her mail. Kami had long ago assumed a fake identity specifically for dealing with creepy dudes like David. "Color me creeped!" says Kami, instantly forcing hundreds of Crayola scientists back to the lab.

Kami ignored David for the rest of the day, but David continued to barrage her phone with annoying text messages.

David: So do you want to exchange massages?

David: Massage by Kami ... $60. Friends with David ... priceless!

David: Do you do a 100% body massage? Or is it 99%?

David: Send me a face pic
David: Are you going to give me a massage? Out of the love of your heart?

Towards the end of the day, Kami had had enough of his horse shit. She texted David and informed him she would never give him a massage, she would never work for free, she had no idea who the fuck he was, and he needed to leave her the fuck alone.




Kami fell victim to a rather unfortunate circumstance. Immediately after delivering her unpleasant diatribe to David, Kami got into her car for the long drive home and inadvertently sat on her cellphone, which has a tendency to redial the last number she texted.

So guess who came-a-texting again ...

David: You just called me.

David: Twice!

David: So it's not that I'm trying to mooch, just that I can go to massage envy for $39

David: By the way, you really have to know what you're doing when it's deep tissue.

Kami did not respond, but a few hours later, David started up again and really began to get under Kami's skin.

David: I don't see why you charge more than certified professionals.

Kami: Oh my hell you're an ass. I am LMT, and if someone sucks so bad that they are willing to work for a company and make $12 an hour, that means they couldn't hack in on their own. I DO know what I'm doing, not that you'll ever know, and seriously, leave me the fuck alone!

David: I didn't know. Thanks for the insite.

David: So you're saying that you charge $60 an hour and that's not including tips? I'm glad you can travel and live a way many can't.

... and then, a few hours later ....

David: I feel like I might be bothering you so I should maybe just leave you alone.

Jesus David, what would give you that impression?

But David actually meant it this time, and Kami didn't hear from him again.

Two months later, Kami had completely forgotten about her failed suitor David and was plowing her way through another busy day at work, when Kami received a text from one of her many clients named "David."

David: You're in XXXXXX, right?

Kami: Yes, I'm done for tonight, but I have one opening available tomorrow.

David: What is the first time special with tip included?

Kami: I don't do specials. My fee is $60 an hour without tip included.

David: No specials? So with tip your going to be like $80?

Kami: That sounds about right.

David: Hmmm...what if I give you 80 for 80 minutes.

Kami: As long as that doesn't include tip that'd be fine. My fee works out to a dollar a minute.

David: Wow, you really don't budge! What's up?

Kami: I'm good at what I do.

David: Well what are you going to say that is going to make a deal here.

Kami didn't yet realize this was the exact same David she had dealt with in the past, so she continued the conversation, though thoroughly annoyed at the thought of entertaining yet another potential cheapskate client.

David: What if I get hot and get a boner, will you get mad?

Kami: No, most clients get a boner. As long as you leave it alone, we're fine.

The client proceeded to ask Kami if she would perform the massage in a bikini, or perhaps in her bra and underwear, to which Kami replied "No."

Keeping the atmosphere professional, the client then inquired about Kami's policies regarding getting up in the middle of the massage session to go masturbate in the bathroom.

Kami figured she was dealing with another random creep, so she decided to end their conversation.

A few days later, Kami gets another text from a "David" who seems relatively normal. He is pleasant and polite, so Kami books an appointment for him and goes about her daily business. But later in the day, she began thinking about all these recent inquiries from guys named "David."

On that note, we'll let Kami close it out from here:

Sometimes, the little voice speaks and we don't listen. This happen to be one of the times I did. I called and cancelled. He wanted to know why, and I said it was personal, I'm sorry, but I have to cancel.

He threw an amazing rendition of a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. Little voice also said that I should leave all the way, so I left.

He texted me later that he was there, even though I had told him not to, and I was glad I'd left.

He texted me a few more times about how selfish and evil I was, and how I'd never have clientele being this rude and thoughtless.

It was then it occured to me that it was the same David all along, and checked out my text logs.

Yep, same guy.


"Ew" is right Kami, and so concludes another edition of Psychotic Letters.

We'd love to hear from any people out there having to go through this kind of shit with their clients, and we'd especially love to hear from any massage therapists having to deal with this "happy ending" dilemma.

(Ed Note: To clear up some confusion, apparently many massage clients don't want to provide their last names to their therapists- hence the confusion with all the "David's" in Kami's phone.)


  1. That sounds horrifying. I'm so glad I don't work in the service professions, and I admire people like Kami who deal with this shit regularly.

  2. Ugh. David's number should have been saved under "Creepy David Don't Respond" after the first round! I've heard some really twisted stories from friends who are massage therapists about clients getting really upset when their massage ends without a happy ending. The preconceptions a lot of men go into a massage with is unbelievable. I don't understand why David felt that repeated begging and rude texts might net him a free massage. I love the "But I could go here for $39!" By that point, I would have been all, "Then go there! Why are you bothering me?!" What a leech.

  3. uh..i'd put him as "do not respond" or "do not answer" or better yet "gross david" in my cell phone so i would NOT make that mistake again.

  4. Kami actually mentioned in her letter that she should have booked him as "do not respond". Just didn't make into the post, but she said it herself.

  5. I just reread my comment and wanted to clarify I'm sympathizing with Kami, not criticizing, in the first part. If it wasn't standard practice for her to label sleazy callers before, I'm sure it occurred to her after creepy client turned out to be creepy David from 2 months ago. I know every job has its ups and downs but it's still a shame that massage therapists (whether male or female) have to put up with this sort of behavior, which in most other workplaces would be considered serious sexual harassment.

  6. She should have changed his name to "David" + something more like "David creep". I would, and probably have done it alredy.

  7. She is dealing with a creep. He gives hints of being dangerous or unstable. She's a woman working alone in a room with men, total strangers. Sexual energy crackles in the air quite often. The guy won't give it a break, won't take no for an answer and any marginally working set of antennae would have her on alert. Yet she continues to answer calls from every "David" with equal nonchalance, seemingly never once harkening back to "dangerous David" and treating each David call with at least a somewhat elevated level of caution? I say bulls@#t. Kami seems on some level at least as clueless as her thwarted pursuer. God forbid she come to any harm but should we hear she has it'll all be the dastardly man's fault (yes, yes, as it should be). There won't be any mention of her acting akin to the mindless movie teens wandering the darkened woods, bumping in to trees and calling out in order that they're slasher stalker more easily finds them

  8. I can't believe the texting went back and forth for so long. I feel genuinely sorry for Kami having to put up with such people to make a living but I am a little surprised that she is not more guarded and clinical when dealing with weirdos, especially when she has to work on her own.

    In future, just save his name as Creepy David and have his calls blocked. This is blindingly obvious to me.

    David is clearly creepy as hell but Kami appears to be weirdly tolerant of inappropriate behaviour from potential clients even offering to book them well after they have made it clear that their intentions are seedy.

  9. People like David is why I regret being male. Godspeed, Kami.

  10. An unfortunate way to learn some phone-contact management tips.

  11. Do any phones or carriers let you block specific numbers? That would solve a lot of the "crazy text message" stories on here.

  12. As a CMT there is no way I'd put up with that shit. At the first hint of creepiness it'd tell him to find another therapist.

    Also, it's amazing the number number of men who want to "recipricate" WTF? Hands off.

  13. As a friend of a CMT, I've heard some horror stories. But Kami didn't appear to handle it very well. I've got a feeling that "David" was a guy she was partially attracted to, then he turned on the creepiness, and she had to back track a bit.

    The texting went on too long, too juvenile-ish as well. Simply say "No thank you, find another therapist." The end.

  14. Kami strikes me as a bit clueless, for being an independent business owner. It's either that or the theory above (that she initially was attracted to the creep, before retracting).

  15. And this is why you change his caller ID name to "CREEPY DAVID DON'T ANSWER." If she has so many Davids, she needs to be able to tell the difference between them!

  16. I'm an LMT and used to work in a chiropractic office part time when my schedule was a bit more flexible. Even in an *obviously* therapeutic setting, men would still think they should/would get a "happy ending". I'm no cute young thing but something about a woman in scrubs giving deep tissue massage seemed to do it for 'em. I finally started telling the scheduling lady each time a client was inappropriate and she would have a word with the doc who would then "have a word" with the guy. In my personal practice (I no longer do work in chiro offices), I've had fewer men try this but I think that's mainly because I do primarily prenatal massage and work with midwives and doulas. Not a lot of men getting prenatal massage.

  17. Good thing she listened to her instincts and cancelled that massage! I'd hate to know what would have happened otherwise... he was a genuine creeper.

  18. I'm a CMT, and I have a very strict policy when it comes to dealing with "creepers" like this David character: at the first display of inappropriate behavior, I kick the offending party out and refuse to book appointments for them or have any contact with them again. It may sound draconian, but it's worked thus far. You'd think that the statement "This is a theraputic massage. Any misconduct of a sexual or otherwise inappropriate nature will result in immediate termination of the massage with no refund." in bold print at the bottom of each intake form would be enough, but people are stupid.

    I have to say that I think it was entirely unprofessional and not very wise of Kami to continue texting and responding to texts from this guy. I'm very glad that she wasn't injured or anything else by this nutjob. At the massage school I attended, we had classes in how to deal with clients behaving inappropriately...perhaps a refresher course in on-the-job safety is something she may want to consider.

  19. I'm going to have to agree with some of the above comments... her texts back didn't seem too terribly professional either. Not that that gives them a license to be creepy... but you've got to nip that shit in the bud. STAT!!

    36 & Single

  20. My sister is a massage therapist and about a couple years ago after she finished giving a man a massage he asked, "Can you do the front?"
    He had come to her with upper body problems, including the chest, so she thought he meant his chest and agreed. When she started he stopped her and said, "No. I mean... 'down there'."
    Disgusted, she told him to get dressed and pay the bill, then left the room. When he came out he claimed he didn't have any of the credit cards they accepted and had no cash on him. He told her he'd just go to the ATM down the street, get the money, and come right back.

    Fortunately my sister isn't an idiot and knew that the cards the ATM accepted were the exact same as the ones they accepted. So she demanded he hand over his card to her, she swiped it through, and then told him to get out and not come back.

    So not only did this pervert try to get a "happy ending" but he also tried to cheat my sister out of her money!

  21. When I bartended...
    There was a midget, with a cane, who looked like his face was dipped in acid. Could have been the stunt double for the movie Leprachaun.
    He harrassed me at work repeatedly.
    So I would go hide in the kitchen to get away from him. He followed.
    The owners warned him several times not to enter kitchen area.
    So he waited for me in the parking lot. Sometimes in his car to follow me home.
    Thank god I could outdrive him.
    On my night off I was sitting at the end of the bar and he kept trying to get my attention by coming over, when I ignored him he bit me on the leg. Yes, that's right. He BIT ME.
    That was the straw that broke the camels back. I bitch slapped him, threatened to call the cops or beat his little hobbit ass if he didn't leave immediately. By then all my friends were giving him death threats so he did leave and never came back.
    Moral of the story: desperate men are gross, have no limits or boundaries on unacceptable behavior, and can be dangerous.

  22. Yeah. She definitely responded in a pretty casual way at times, which can be confusing for the psychos of the world. That being said, it sucks working in any kind of service -- giving massages, serving coffee, nursing, etc., because some creep will always think you're being nice to them because you like them, not just because you're doing your job.

  23. Kami doesn't seem very bright, if after the first round of inappropriate texts from 'David', she didn't mark his number as DO NOT ANSWER.

    Too passive there, Kami old girl. Lesson learned, I hope.

    I'm the world's worst 'tard when it comes to texting, but even I know how to mark an unwanted incoming number.

  24. I've had experiences like that, mostly on the Internet where people have multiple screen names; I've ended up messaging people while trying to figure out who they are and suddenly I remember it's Creepy David! Eww.

  25. I agree with everyone who already said she should have re-labeled him as something else, like "crazy psycho"

  26. I'm weirded out that it's apparently now common practice to text business numbers. Is this normal?

  27. Sounds like Kami has read "The Gift of Fear." Always listen to that "little voice," ladies!

  28. Yeah. Glad she did listen to that little voice! He sounds like serious trouble.

    I think I would have told him that he was smoking crack if he thought a $60 massage included a "happy ending" and hung up on his dumb ass.

  29. i have 3 friends that are LMTs. they all get the last names of their clients.
    she should change her policy, that is a bit creepy.
    and, yeah, he should be listed as 'gross david' or something in her phone

  30. This is why I prefer equine massage therapy. My client never ever ask for a happy ending.

  31. i agree with some of the others who argue that kami is to blame for this as well. why would a "professional" take texts from prospective clients? beyond that, why would they carry on a conversation about the client getting a "boner" during the session? does she massage 14 year olds? it seems that she is not very professional herself and could have avoided this from the beginning if she just ignored him as soon as he became inappropriate. she played with him a little which makes this just as much her fault.

  32. So wait... she doesn't do happy endings, then?

  33. Yikes! You guys are tough! Look, I had a lot of the same thoughts about how long the interaction went on but it's not a great time to be a massage therapist. The economy sucks and one of the first things most people kick out of the budget are "luxury" services like going to a spa or getting a massage. Most of my friends who do massage have had to expand their policies and be willing to put up with the creeps to stay in business, even though they used to immediately refuse the business of anyone who acted slighly inappropriate. Plus, we don't know where she lives. So maybe she has to do business this way to continue to have a successful business. If you read Weasel's comment, she admitted herself that she should have changed his listing in her phone. I have a feeling that she probably learned her lesson from this encounter.

  34. Kami should have forwarded " Creepy David's" calls to the police.

    Strange that she would have logged him as "David" on her cell and not have changed it to "Asshole David" after she figured out he was an idiot so that she would not respond to his texts.

  35. I think Stephanie has a point. Still a terrible story all around. Yikes-a-rama.

  36. I too think that Stephanie has point.

    Anyway, if you're dealing with extreme behaviors on a regular basis, it can make you sorta numb to it. Thankfully Kami's instincts kicked in eventually.

  37. Ew, holy crap. Kami is brave and patient to deal with an industry where people are continually requesting handjobs. I'm surprised she didn't catch onto David earlier, though.

  38. I don't think the blame is anywhere near equal here. Yeah, Kami's behavior is naive, but she's not the f-ing creep wanting illegal sexual activity and refusing to let the subject drop. She needs to toughen up about creepy clients, but this guy's actions are unconscionable.

  39. she needs to tell all the "Davids" to google Tantra or Tantric massage for a happy ending

  40. It's altogether possible that asshole david changed his number, or texted from another phone. Creeps like that tend to have ways around things, furthermore, he was able to find out her real name, which if he works for a phone company or as an officer or someone that has the ability to trace the owner of a cell phone that would be criminal no? I mean he told her where she lived, and her real name, that's downright stalker if you ask me.

    Furthermore, I know a couple of LMT's and there are clients that joke around about happy endings, but to get the business you state your position that you're NOT some masterbatory tool and if they push the envelope, well, I say report em. Then there's the ones that seem totally legit on the phone but when they get there, they're hella creepy. Table humpers, grabby, etc. I know of one lady who her client tried 3 times to get fresh, she told him to pay then leave. He threatened to call the police because he didn't get his full 90 minutes, she was like sure, call em, here take my phone. You tried to solicit sexual services for money, let's see who goes to jail dumbass! He promptly left.

    Texting is becoming more and more common, especially if you work in that type of environment, where you're working with a client, and you can just read rather than calling a voice mail. Makes it a lot easier to schedule an appt between clients when you can reply quickly to several people without having to play phone tag.

  41. Yikes! Also, to the anon who talks about "sexual energy flying about the room", WTF? I've had many theraputic massages from the opposite sex, and I can tell you there was no "sexual energy" present. What kind of "massages" have you been getting, one wonders. THough the comment about not getting clients' last names and using fake names is odd. All massage therapists I've used have their real names on their business.

    Though as someone who ran a small cottage business on the side once upon a time, I can understand trying to be tolerant. Some of my best clients came off as really kooky when they first contacted me.

    I'm a volunteer firefighter now, and hope to become a full-time paid firemedic when I get my Paramedic cert. So most of the time my "clients" are incapacitated, or in too much pain to be inappropriate. Or they're not used to suddenly having a their clothes cut off in the middle of the street by a 20-something female. Though that doesn't stop some of them.

    We were tapped out to assist the Sheriff's department, and ended up having to wrestle a drunk hobo onto a gurney to get taken to the local psych unit. As I was strapping him down to the cot, and putting the medical restraints on him, he told me I had pretty eyes and I shouldn't cover up my face with the surgical mask.

    Then he crapped his pants. THIS COULD BE TRUE LOVE Y/N?

  42. "As I was strapping him down to the cot, and putting the medical restraints on him, he told me I had pretty eyes and I shouldn't cover up my face with the surgical mask.

    Then he crapped his pants. THIS COULD BE TRUE LOVE Y/N?"

    LOL FOREVER. DUDE. Terrilarious story.
    I'm from NYC and I know well the hobo kind. Many's the time they have tried similar things on me. Like, NO???

  43. "As I was strapping him down to the cot, and putting the medical restraints on him, he told me I had pretty eyes and I shouldn't cover up my face with the surgical mask.

    Then he crapped his pants. THIS COULD BE TRUE LOVE Y/N?"

  44. Really I think you people missed Weasel's post where she SAID SHE MADE A MISTAKE AND REGRETS IT. Restating that mistake over and over is retarded.

    Also, this guy is a fucktard of the highest caliber.

  45. Nothing says love like a turd! It's kind of like when your cat pukes on your pillow...just another way to say I luuuuuuuves you!

    Excellent story!

  46. I love you Weas, but: " the practice of providing "happy endings" has become so pervasive in the massage industry that many men actually come to expect "happy endings" at the completion of their therapy sessions, making life quite difficult for a hard-working woman like Kami." just isn't the case.

    I've been an MT for over ten years, and it's been at least five years since a guy has even hinted at expecting one. Yes, I work in a group practice and most of our referrals come from chiropractors and PTs, but I think it's a matter of the therapist setting boundaries upfront. Also, I don't know a single MT who has every jerked a client off. (or admitted to it, at least) We work too hard for our licenses and they mean too much to us.

  47. I would have called the police and/or got a restraining order... when you've got a persistent stalker like that, best to get them kicked in the ass by the LAW.

  48. I'm glad some people had the same reaction as me...Kami is an idiot. Clients don't get boners all the time during massages. They teach you how to handle the situation in massage school, but it's rare you have to deal with it. And the proper way to deal with it is not what Kami did. My guess is that she is not licensed, and does perform happy ending massages...

  49. My MT uses her real name and required me to fill out a form with my first and last. The whole fake name thing, along with all the texting, sounds a lot like how my old roommate ran her business when she was escorting...

  50. So she does perform happy endings? What's she look like? I totally need to see what a massage therapist looks like. It's great she has an online photo. Post her web address.

    I might sign up! $60 is a good deal.

  51. When I go to my Licensed Massage Therapist, I receive a little receipt with her name and registration number. This whole fake name thing, her willingness to text endlessly with random people, her refusal to change our David's incoming number to "Creepy David - don't pick up!" (which is really easy to do...just ask my ex husband "A$$hole calling, don't pick up") just adds up to a tall tale.

    I call BS on this one. Or Kami is really a moron (and probably unlicensed as a massage therapist)...just my 2 cents.

  52. I know she said that she knows that she should have changed his name in her phone... but for me at least, 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' doesn't work.

    If he's such a creeper, you DO it. Period, end of story. Then, if problems persist, get the law on your side.

  53. Victim-blaming Kami isn't cool. She was harrassed, plain and simple. It doesn't matter how she acted, this "David" guy overstepped the boundaries and harrassed her.

  54. Seriously. Even if she WAS unlicensed or WAS an escort that doesn't mean she deserves to get harassed or that men should be expecting sex acts from her just because. What the Hell?

  55. Yes - she can be whatever she is...I don't give a crap. She's a human being, we all make errors...however, it seems that logic never seems to enter the story.

    If she would have taken the simple step after the first weird communication of labeling his number "creepy David" this whole story would have been very short. If he continued to communicate with her using different phones, she should have labeled them "creepy David" and contacted her local authorities.

    It's not her fault. It's Creepy David's fault. But, she could have taken some really simple steps to keep herself safer.

  56. "My guess is that she is not licensed, and does perform happy ending massages..."


  57. "apparently many massage clients don't want to provide their last names to their therapists- hence the confusion with all the "David's" in Kami's phone.)"

    In many/most states an LMBT is required to document each session with a written consent form, short medical history, and description of techniques applied. (for insurance and licensing purposes.)

  58. There are a lot of things that are kinda hinky about Kami's story; using a fake name, texting clients, David's apparent lack of a last name. I'm wondering if this story is completely made up or if Kami is altering the facts a bit. :/

    *sigh* In any case, assuming that this story is at least partly true and Kami's accounts of David's actions are factual, David's a fucking creeper and probably needs his ass kicked.

  59. Ha ha, it is pretty funny looking back on it, but I could do without all the jokes at the station about how my face scares the shit out of hobos.

  60. i've been a lmt for over five years and have to agree w/annon above. the expectation of happy endings is far from 'pervasive' in my experience. it's rare at best. i have had maybe one 'odd' phone call in five years. which i didn't book. also, (at least where i live) you must display your license at your place of work so any client can see it. so there is no using a fake name. also, it's legally required to take a client's full name, a brief medical history, and keep a record of what you did during the massage. if a client won't provide a full name and medical history, i won't work on them b/c it's not worth my license.

    it does suck that kami had to deal with some clueless asshat that expected a happy ending. and apparently a free one at that. but i do hope that in the future she'll use more caution in her client interactions. that way maybe she won't have to have prolonged exposure w/future asshats.

  61. Women often receive conditioning in our society with putting up with misogyny or creepy shit from men. Maybe, instead of dogpiling Kami for not doing it right, we ought to be reminding ourselves that many times, women aren't enabled to respond to creepiness immediately with hard boundaries. We tend to think that we should put up with it, or shouldn't cause a fuss, or that if we prove ourselves tolerant, it will be rewarded. Many women have problems being assertive in the face of male creepiness. Instead of indicating a personal problem with Kami that ought to be condemned, it indicates a problem with society which can be dangerous (I think we're in agreement that David could have been very dangerous.) So instead of a list of people attesting to how they would have handled it better and mocking her for being 'weak', which is especially sad when it's women talking about women because that's what we're taught to do to one another, maybe it would be better to talk about why she might have had a problem. However, from this armchair, it looks like she told him repeatedly to leave her alone. Women are not trained to be consistent, and David kept trying until he found an opening, probably because he knew there had to be one if he waited long enough.

    This post is pretty good at explaining it.

  62. I don't really agree with mouthyb. Social conditioning or not, it would have been simple for Kami just to label David. I'd have been doing so anyway just so I knew which David was which, even among the non-creepy Davids: 'Big Nose David', 'Festival Planner David', 'Freckles David'... and so on. It would make Kami look sharper when dealing with clients.

    I think the story isn't entirely as Kami presented it - judging from the responses by MT's, some of Kami's story is a little off-kilter. I suspect she is either more prepared to perform happy endings, or more likely, she is accepting every last bit of work she can while she's new/work is lean and only filters out the customers who actually scare her. I think it likely she persisted in communicating with Creepy David in the hope he'd relent and say, 'okay fine, no happy ending. I'll just have a normal massage, please'.

    Just a thought, but is it worth installing a male receptionist/some of the male member of staff in a massage practice to deter potential creeps? Sounds like a potentially good idea to me.

  63. Mouthyb: The thing about any good massage school is that the DO in fact train you to set hard boundaries. They give classes on it, do role-playing, have a very, very clear set of rules and guidelines for what to do when a therapist comes across this very issue.

    I agree that society at large has a this problem you describe, but any good massage program makes it a priority to acknowledge this, and empower all students.

  64. Mouthyb: Also, pointing out inconsistencies and saying that she is not acting in a way that a legitimate therapist acts is different from calling Kami "weak". If a client refused to give his or her last name, I (and all of my colleagues) would refuse to work with them. End of story.

  65. This is a somewhat strange story. I've been to two different massage thereapists and both required me to fill out a form with my full name, any injuries I've had, the areas of my body that needed special attention etc.

    I have never heard of a massage therapist who doesn't take a client's full name and who text messages clients.

  66. Yeah, it sounds more than a little fishy for sure.

    Nooo, men shouldn't be calling legit. LMTs wanting sexual gratification. I mean, do you expect that from your dentist or mechanic?

    But... Kami doesn't sound very professional in a therapeutic job.

    Even hairdressers have to display their license etc.

    Then again, lack of professionalism has reached epidemic proportions.

  67. Sooo Glad your back!!
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  68. I have discovered a number of things from the post and responses:

    1. You clearly need to treat us men like retarded children. Hints don't seem to work, even incredibly blunt tips.

    2. "...most clients get a boner. As long as you leave it alone, we're fine." What the fcuk??!

    3. Horses get massage? I'm a damn lawyer and I've never once had a professional massage yet these bastard quadrapeds get them (and presumably get their owners to pay).

  69. demon-

    Not only to our horses get massages, they also have chiropractic work, myofascial release (similar to massage), and accupuncture if needed. Usually performed every other week.

    I have always had very professional experiences with massage therapists and chiropractic work. They take down full names. Full medical history. I know her full name, etc.

    I was puzzled why Kami only seems to work with men... Did no one else notice this?

  70. To the aspiring paramedic...brace yourself sweetie...that sort of thing happens a lot more than you would think. Its always charming when the toothless manic guy pauses in his paranoid ramblings and offers to allow you to suck him off in the back of the ambulance...
    A Burned-out Medic

  71. Happy endings are pervasive in the massage therapy industry? I've enjoyed this blog, Weasel, so I must ask you to do your research before making statements like that. You're too cool and too good of a writer to shoot yourself in the face by throwing away your credibility.

  72. "Not only to our horses get massages, they also have chiropractic work, myofascial release (similar to massage), and accupuncture if needed. Usually performed every other week."

    They also read the horses their horoscopes, train them to be green/eco-conscious, have horse spirit séances, use feng shui, and give them touch therapy, healing crystals, homeostatic medicine, detox, psychotherapy, and fellatio. Those horses are happy/unwitting outlets to some piteously misdirected affection!

  73. Anonymous 11:55:

    Other than results for item in Resident Evil, I only got three Google hits for "homeostatic medicine." Mayhap you're confusing homeostasis, the process of a system's self-regulation, with homeopathic medicine.

  74. Echoing Kami's unprofessionalism. By not requiring a full real name Kami is basically telling her clientele that there is a reason to be secretive. You get what you put in. If you create the feeling like you'll do anything for a buck you'll start scaring off legit customers (my husband refuses to even check out the massage place up the street because it looks sketchy) and bringing in creeps (my brother frequents the massage place up the street because it looks sketchy)

  75. I require my clients to provide full names and phone numbers when they call me to schedule; if they don't, tough shit. The next person to call me will. I do not take text messages about the matter, because things can be so easily misconstrued. To avoid this unpleasantness in the future, Kami may consider switching to a pay-as-you-go phone for her business dealings, and do not indicate on her website that this is a cell phone.

    Where the hell would someone even get the idea to text a therapist to schedule a massage?

  76. This comment has been removed by the author.

  77. I'm thinking a tazer would have been a good thing. When asked about the "happy ending" just whip that bad boy out, fire it up and ask where they would like to get!!!

  78. Meh. IDK. Maybe it's me but why would Kami think it was a "new" client if she had the name and number saved in her phone already? And why would she think a client, who she had saved in her phone, would be asking her questions like a "new" client?

  79. This story wreaks like tean boy in a pair of week old boxers.

    It has more holes than swish cheese.

    I smell something fishy.

    Instert your own idiom here.

    I can't think of a logical reason for Kami's clients to refuse to give their last names. It's a message. Her clients aren't hiring her to screw them. They're getting a MESSAGE. Lots of peopel get them and gasp,tell thier friends. Lots of massage thereapists have little forms for clients to fill out (just like doctors and chiropractors). Lots of message therapists add clients to their mailing lists. Many people pay for messages with credit cards (you now those plastic thingys with your full name on it.) People were right to question wny Kamie doesn't have her cleints last names.Kami's reason only makes sense if she doing somethings people don't want associated with their identity.

  80. when my bff was studying to be a massage therapist, she took a job providing free massages at a salon to get hands-on experience.

    from what i heard, most of her clients were professional - except for this one creep who blatantly hit on her trying to persuade her to massage his groin area (where the corroded atrery runs)....and attempted to make his point by touching her in inapropriate places! >:(

    she reported him to her manager the next day and the guy got banned....whew!

  81. Sorry but none of this rings true. Why did she keep responding? Why not change his name in her phone to alert her that it was him. Doesn't make sense. Why would a legitimate massage person correspond by text anyway?

  82. When I escorted, this sort of thing was common. I suspect Kari invented a more legitimate job description because she felt that people would dismiss her as 'asking for it' or would respond with 'what did you expect?'. Unfortunately many people would, and do, say those things when an escort is victimized.

    My apologies on behalf of society and it's laws, Kati, for making you invent a reason for not deserving harassment.

    Sex worker's rights are Human rights.

  83. I had a friend that was the client, the masseuse was a guy, and after her massage, she finished HIM off. What is that called? Is it still a "happy ending"?

  84. That's called a thankful customer.

  85. As I read the post, I realized that Kami isn't too bright. Then I read the comments and now I'm convinced that Kami is the psycho (that made up this whole story) here as well. No one deserves the kid of harrassment David provided. But, if this story is true: 1) She should've changed his name in her phone and 2) She doesn't sound professional - she needs to be, especially when dealing with people like David.

    Instead, she continued to casually talk to him and she obviously didn't care too much about his texts, since she did absolutely nothing to distinguish him from the other clients. Again, if this is true, I'm glad she did ONE right thing.

  86. I find this story baffling: if it really happened, I'm sorry Kami got harrassed, that sucks, and she doesn't deserve it.

    But as countless people have pointed out, "happy endings" are not common or expected in the therapeutic massage world (as opposed to the "massage" ads in the back of weekly newspapers), and in most states people advertising as massage therapists are required to show their license--WITH REAL NAME--and typically take a medical history WITH CLIENT'S REAL NAME.

    Genuine therapeutic massage clients do not "typically" keep their last names private. Because genuine therapeutic massage is not a secretive thing. In fact, they often pay by credit card!

    I doubt Kami's an escort (if she were, one would think a guy seeking a happy ending would be her target market, unless I'm missing something in his initial contact that would suggest that he's more dangerous than the average client), but I wouldn't be surprised if she's not a licensed massage therapist, is licensed but not for her area (some places have extremely stringent requirements, and not everyone can afford the classes to relicense to practice in their new location), or isn't declaring her full income, and consequently is running her business in a slightly shady way. She certainly doesn't seem to have the training in how to immediately identify and handle creepy clients that most massage schools provide.

    It just doesn't quite all add up.

  87. I'm a Licensed Massage Therapist, and have dealt with many, many a creep. It's pretty disgusting how many men equate "Licensed Professional" with "whore."

    The fact that Kami told David that she wouldn't give him a happy ending but "would be willing to set him up" is kind of . . . well. It's alarming to say the least. It's unprofessional, crude, kind of illegal, and really disheartening. That's a stereotype that most professionals try to discourage, not "set up" with someone else. If you don't want to be associated with being a whore . . . don't offer to set someone up with one? Just a thought.

    That being said, I've always had my clients fill out intake forms and health histories, and would not consider a session with someone who refused to give all of their information. I've had men lie on them, get pissed when I demanded they be filled out, ask me about happy endings, try to have phone sex with my receptionist, get up and leave when I refused to give them a handjob, and I've had clients try to put their cocks on my hands during the course of the massage. And let's not forget the recurring "I think I pulled something in my groin. It's pretty tight. I have a lot of tension in my upper inner-thighs."

    I now work in a sports medicine setting doing rehabilitative work - much less creepy.


  88. Amazing Post.. Kudos on this Great Read :)

  89. I was an LMT for seven years and I can assure you there were plenty of clients asking for sexual services. It was worst when I worked in a hair salon, for some reason. I did meet an older woman who worked at a truckstop doing massages and she made a big deal about Jesus through the whole thing which seemed to do the trick for her, but for me, there was nothing I could do to make them stop deluding themselves that I was a prostitute. I wasn't even particularly attractive, just young. The creeps are the reason I don't do the work anymore. Sad, really, because it was a rewarding profession otherwise. Maybe I should get back into it now that I am older and uglier!

  90. living in a city with state police who often go plain cloths and try to hassle people into breaking laws, I have a zero tolerance policy for creepers: the moment I become creeped out I inform them that I do not feel comfortable continuing a dialog and ask them not to contact me again. If they do I take their number and name and report it and tell them I'm reporting it. Act like an ass, get treated like an ass. I have a business based on my reputation and there are enough serious respectful clients around that there is no reason to waste time with anyone who makes you uncomfortable.

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  138. I am a.masseuse with 10 years experience, and I guarantee you there's a lot more to this story's that is, if it even happened at all, or if "kami" even actually exists, both of which I highly doubt. If there were such a person, she must be terrible st her job if she's desperate enough for work that she'd continue trying to book him after the way he relentlessly toyed with her. Kami, if you exist (highly unlikely), go back to waitressing and leave the massaging to those of us who are professionals and know what we're doing, mmmkay hon?

    Bullshit rating on "kami-but-that's-not-my-real-name" story: 99 out of 100.