Thursday, January 21, 2010

PLFM Presents: It's All Your Fucking Fault!


Today we take a little trip back to the old PLFM you all know and love: A controlling, drug-addled and habitually unemployed infant of a man ultimately threatens to murder his wife, at which point she finally decides to leave him for her own personal safety.

In response, said infant sends his ex-wife a letter detailing how the end of their marriage was actually all her fault, and really he did nothing wrong because, well, his psychologist once told him that threatening to kill your wife is actually a “pretty normal” occurrence. In the same way, we suppose, that finding your psychology degree in a box of Chocolate Boo-Berry cereal is a “pretty normal” occurrence.

Heidi ran away from an abusive father at 17 years of age, and readily admits to PLFM “I was completely ripe for a new abusive relationship, because I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.” Of course, Heidi flew into the first set of open arms to accept her, and those arms belonged to a man named Phil. Unfortunately, in a sign of things to come, Phil’s open arms not only accepted her, but also extracted a $20 bill from her purse.

Heidi and Phil ended up attending the same college together. While Heidi busied herself with endless coursework and held down several jobs to pay her way through school, Phil received a steady supply of checks from his parents to pay for tuition, textbooks and rent. Not a problem for most people, if Phil had actually spent that money on tuition, textbooks and rent.

Rather, Phil liked to spend his parent’s money on booze, video games, comic books, and a LOT of marijuana. When rent or tuition inevitably came due, Phil’s preferred method of payment was a pair of outstretched and empty palms, accompanied by a river of tears. “If you don’t pay for it, my parents will stop sending me checks,” he’d whine to Heidi, his tears ultimately falling to the floor and forming the words “Boy, I sure hope she falls for this.”

Tired of paying his way and literally running out of places to hide her ATM card, Heidi took on yet another job: Finding employment for Phil. Heidi first got Phil a job cooking eggs in a local dorm for two hours each morning, which lasted three weeks. He showed up late, left early, and took way too many unscheduled breaks to smoke pot, which, to his credit, “they didn’t tell him he couldn’t do.”

Heidi subsequently found Phil another job with her own employer, a call center that captioned telephone calls for the deaf. Phil repeatedly arrived late, or came to work only to leave five minutes later. Heidi learned Phil would punch in, then cross the street to smoke pot and hang out in his favorite comic book store. When Heidi tried to intervene, Phil would always scream “Stop coddling me, I’ll be back!”, causing Heidi to feel somewhat jealous of her hard-of-hearing customers. Phil would return each day, but was fired one month later for typing sexual obscenities into the computer program used to help handle calls for the deaf.

Phil eventually found a “job” selling his own plasma, which not only paid for several month’s worth of marijuana, but also caused a 726% increase in the sales of Funions, Cheese-Puffs and Sno-Balls to local hemophiliacs. But the job “didn’t pay enough for rent,” and Phil often came up empty-handed at the end of the month. Adds Heidi: “During the couple of times that we couldn't make rent, he would call his parents and tell them, "Heidi spent too much money on food, she didn't budget right," and then his parents would get on the phone with me and scold me for not taking better care of their son.”

Now, for those PLFM readers who belong to the “Always Blame the Woman at the Center of the Story” club, PLFM will now allow 5 minutes for you to soak your torches in gasoline.

Heidi figured Phil was just going through that “college phase” of irresponsibility and financial hardship, and of course things would change once they got out into the real world. As such, Heidi accepted Phil’s hand in marriage just before graduation, with Phil’s parents offering to foot the bill for the wedding. “I think primarily because they suspected after I graduated, I'd start to wonder what the hell I was still doing with this man-child,” says Heidi.

Unfortunately, her suspicions were confirmed when she overheard Phil’s parents regularly taking cracks at the couple after the wedding, such as “We’re just glad she married him before she found out what he was REALLY like! HA HA HA!” Then, as an encore, Phil’s parents would often scoop up a defenseless kitten, bite it open with their teeth, and smear the entrails all over their faces as lightning bolts flashed in the background.

Needless to say, things did not get better.

Phil injured his wrist just prior to graduation while completely wasted out of his mind. Phil had neglected to purchase the health insurance his father had provided money for, so upon graduation Heidi immediately found herself knee-deep in medical bills while Phil stayed at home in bed nursing his wounds, playing video games, and sucking on a large bong for weeks on end.

No matter how hard Heidi worked, she simply couldn’t keep up with the bills. Soon the money all but dried up, and when the money disappeared so did all of Phil’s pot-smoking buddies. With no job or friends to occupy his time, Phil spent the ensuing months attempting to control Heidi’s relationships with her family and friends.

Heidi often tried to make overtures toward her long-lost mother and sister, but Phil took every opportunity to derail Heidi’s plans. Says Heidi: “Whenever I spoke to them, or talked about speaking to them, he would refer to my family as "trash," and talk about how amazing it was that I had managed to grow up smart and pretty from such a bunch of "worthless trash.” He would tell me he understood how hard it must be for me to keep myself from being a ‘trashy person’ like them.”

Phil referred to Heidi’s female friends as “crack whores,” and every time Heidi tried to speak with a male acquaintance on the telephone, Phil would stand behind her and sing at the top of his lungs until she hung up the phone. When Phil introduced Heidi to his friends, he often said "You should have seen Heidi when I met her, she was so fucked-up and trashy, hanging out with these people; she's lucky I put up with it."

Yeah, Phil, with no job and absolutely no life, you’re a real fucking rabbits foot.

As the months morphed into years, still-unemployed Phil began to shadow Heidi constantly around the apartment, kicking her cat (literally) and demanding ever-increasing amounts of money and sex. He smashed the walls of the apartment and told his friends he “needed a new fiancĂ©.” He left it up to Heidi to provide for all of his rent, bills, and necessities like food and marijuana.

Until one day, when a funny thing happened.

Heidi met a man named Mark at work.

Mark was brilliant, kind, and good-looking. He was motivated. He had a good job, loved his work, and had a zest for life Heidi had never seen before. He had a wide variety of hobbies and interests outside of work, and loved to talk to Heidi about her life and her dreams for the future.

Heidi suddenly heard a dinner bell, and realized it came from her pants.

She didn’t even know guys like this existed.

Mark and Heidi quickly developed a close friendship, but Heidi never stepped over the line. Yet having to see Mark every day only increased her sudden longing for him, until she finally decided to have a discussion with Phil regarding her newfound feelings for Mark. “I told my husband, ‘I think I'm in love with another man, and it's made me realize how unhappy I am with you,” Heidi says. “Things need to change if I'm going to stay with you."

Well, things did change.

Immediately.

Phil packed up all of their belongings and moved them out of state.

Into his parent’s basement.

With Phil’s medical bills still unpaid, Heidi felt she had no other choice but to go along. She knew she could never afford a new apartment by herself.

“I worked odd jobs in restaurants to support him,” says Heidi, “while he cried at home (in the basement) about how his hand was fucked up, his wife was leaving him, and he couldn't even smoke pot anymore.”

After six months, Phil finally threatened to kill Heidi and Mark.

Heidi knew the gig was up.

We’ll let Heidi take it from here, followed by Phil’s final letter.

Heidi:

The night I told him I wanted a divorce, he raped me, which is the "making love" he refers to. (I've come to understand he thinks it was all very romantic).

After I left him, I got constant emails and voicemails. They were at first little one-liners about "Don't you miss me? I miss you. Do you think about me? Do you love me?" Then they became nastiness about "Why haven't you gotten the divorce papers filed yet? They'd really help me get laid right now."

“I hadn't gotten the divorce papers filed because I didn't have the money, and he wouldn't pay me the money he owed me, and he sure as shit wasn't going to pay for the divorce, and he was threatening to make a whole expensive legal mess if I tried to file divorce papers without, like, going out to dinner with him and answering his phone calls first.”


“I tried responding to his emails, but they just got pushier and crazier each time. Finally, he just showed up at my house and wouldn't leave, which was really scary. I got him to leave by promising to call him.”

“I did not have an affair while he rotted in bed, I was working extra hours to afford his medications; no, I did not “fool him” into thinking we could start over after I told him I wanted a divorce, I did not let him think things were okay by making love; he raped me. Everything he’s saying is so crazy and vile, to argue it is to give it validity.”

After a few more months of harassing phone calls and emails, Heidi received the following email from Phil. Remember, Heidi never had an affair with Mark while she was married to Phil.

PLFM took the liberty of highlighting the word “you” every time Phil assigns blame in Phil’s letter to Heidi. Look carefully, and you just might discover who Phil feels is primarily responsible for the collapse of their marriage.

Take it away, Phil.

Heidi,

There is a high possibility that this will be the last time we have any form of meaningful communication. Inevitably, there will be things I need to badger you about; little meaningless trivial details over photographs and loans. But aside from that, we may never speak again.

Where to begin? First off, I still love you. I’m sorry you couldn’t gather up the energy to actually try to work this out with me. Secondly, I’m sorry for a lot of things I’m about to say.


It was a cheap shot when we last spoke to bring up the fact I could pursue alimony. I said it because I was angry, because you’d threatened me with cops. It wasn’t meant as a threat. I brought it up because frankly, you betrayed me. you lied to me. And you treated my family and I like shit. The fact that I could pursue legal recourses with you has less to say about my vindictive personality, and a lot more to do with how many mistakes you made over the last six months of our marriage.

On more than one occasion, you told me that you wondered if you were a good person. I inevitably told you not to worry, that you were a good person, that you had the capability for being even better. Now I wonder.

For six months I tried to atone and redeem myself. I opened up to you, and all you did was hold it against me. You had an affair, and when I voiced my concerns and my anger about it, you acted like I was fucking insane. It took going to a marriage counselor for you to even realize that there might be a problem with how you were acting.

After pleading, and cajoling and arguing with you to no avail eventually I reached my limit. I told you, under extremely bad circumstances that I felt like killing you and Mark. A statement that while understandably creepy, my psychologist assures me is fairly normal.

And why not?

You weren’t ever going to stop having the affair, and isn’t it easier to justify betraying someone you love if you can paint them like a monster? Fairy tale romances are a lot easier after all, when your flabby knight in sweaty armor can save you.

Looking back on that, I’m sickened.

Considering how unhappy your childhood was, considering your own unpleasant thoughts, considering your experience and knowledge of psychology, considering how you knew how unhappy and distraught I was, you instead used an omission I made at a moment of great personal weakness to help you justify your affair.

Because the alternative would have meant looking at me like a person instead of as a monster. What cowardice. Worse, what hypocrisy. You never let me get away with shit like that. Your mental problems were of limits to criticism. But fuck me.

You just wanted what was ever easier at that moment. When I was wasting my life smoking pot and staring blankly at wall, denial was the easiest option. But when I came to, realized how much of a fuck I’d been, realized how much of my life I’d wasted and how badly I’d treated you, suddenly it was all out in the open.

And you had two choices: you could work with me or you could just let it slide until you finally gave up.

And then Mark came along, and while I convalesced in our apartment incapable of moving from pain killers, you had an affair.

And when I demanded that you work with me, you said you’d try, but you didn’t do a goddamn thing.

And when you finally got up the guts to say you were leaving and I broke down crying and begged you to stay, you acquiesced, because that was easier. So you put on a fake fucking smile and made love to me and all the while it was a lie. You cowardly fuck.

When you told me one thing and then did another that made you a liar and a betrayer. When you hid yourself from me, when you held me to a standard you would never hold yourself, that made you a hypocrite.

When you did nothing but wait for our relationship to end all the while saying that you loved me, when you told me we may have a chance rather than break cleanly, when you hid from me afterwards and threatened to call the cops, that made you a hypocrite.

And after my family helped support you for finances, clothing, food, love and almost a grand in driver’s lessons you left in the night without saying goodbye, thanking them or frankly, anything. And there’s a word for a woman who takes and takes and takes until it no longer suits her interests; it’s called a whore.


[Editor’s Note II: His parents only offered financial support because all of Heidi’s earned money went to pay for his medical bills. Because he never purchased the insurance he was supposed to buy in the first place.]

So if you’re still reading, congratulations, that’s all of the vitriol and anger I’ve been repressing for six months and that has sent me through a roller coaster of hell since the divorce. A lot of this I’m sure is just my aching, bleeding heart. Particularly the insults. But a lot of it is true. I loved you. I still do. It hurts, and I hate you, but I still love you to death.

But I look at what you did to me and my family and I have nothing but bitterness. And now you’re dragging another poor fuck into your life, who when the going gets tough you’ll discard like so much garbage. At least this one’s enough of a loser that it’ll be easier.

I love you. But you tore out my heart and then took a big steaming shit on it. If you ever want to speak to me again, in any fashion that goes beyond business, we’ll need to talk about this. I spent six months trying to atone while all you did was get your own punches in. My soul is hardly clean, but at least I know I tried.

I doubt you can make the same statement.

Well, that was refreshing, no?

And yes, Heidi is now in a relationship with Mark.

Thank God.

88 comments:

  1. Welcome back Weasel!

    Now to post back on comment, Phil needs a reality check and kudos to Heidi for sticking up to herself.

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  2. Wow, it's crazy how alike stalkers sound in their emails. Good for you Heidi for getting out; that's all that matters in the end.

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  3. Thank god for men like Mark.
    I've never been in a relationship even close to this terrible. But I've had some not so great boyfriends. And you never realize how bad the pile of shit you are standing in smells until some other guy comes along and puts a flower under your nose.

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  4. I dislike posts like this this because it try's to absolve personal responsibility based upon gender. Ultimately Weasels attempts to be fair to woman, turns out to be sexist rhetoric- she holds no responsibility because she's a girl. Girls have no accountability in bad relationships. Its all his fault. Blah, blah, blah.

    Then weasel try's to block readers who question this logic, by calling us blame throwers. (My word, not his) Weasel's attempts to understand us females is admirable, but his oft repeated too- helpless-when-it- comes- to -men-to-make-good-choices, implies our vaginae and tits have addled our brains. As though we females suffer from logical impairment and can't be expected to make rational decisions. The idea that the success or failure of a relationship falls to men alone, is a very male notion indeed.

    "My relationship is successful, I'm a man!"

    (yawn)


    What we have here is a classic case of co-dependency. While he suffered from addiction, she suffers from denial. Mostly I'm talking in generalities here, but one point that irks me was the logic behind, "I moved into his parents basement because I can't afford to live on my own." Logically speaking, she was paying all the bills.His absence should have improved her standard of living.

    Of course that's just coming from a woman who hasn't allowed her breasts to interfere with logic.

    I suspect Heidi believes this strongly that it was all him. "There is nothing wrong with me."


    He needs rehab and therapy. She just needs therapy. And Weasel needs to realize, for most woman, our tits don't affect our decision making skills.

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  5. I read the first paragraph and immediately thought "Charlie Sheen".

    Now, to go back and read the rest...

    (except for the unemployment bit :P)

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  7. I dont know why people cant read this blog without looking so far into it.

    I dont think Weasel is trying to make every relationship failure a man's fault. But in this case and most of the cases be writes about? It IS. Sometimes it IS one persons fault.

    Phil is a lazy asshole who wants everyone else to allow him to depend on them, he takes no responsibility, and not only that but is a drug addict and a rapist.

    How is he not the bad guy here? You ARE a blame thrower if you look at this situation and try to side with Phil in the slightest. People like Phil really ought not exist, they are a waste of air, money, insurance, and god knows a waste of reproductive rights. I'm sure Phil's knocked up some poor unsuspecting fool at this point, by force or otherwise.

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  8. to argue it is to give it validity.
    To explain how something is wrong is to prove it's right? Weak evasion.

    I hadn't gotten the divorce papers filed because I didn't have the money
    She never heard of a fee waiver? It's like she's not trying.

    you instead used an omission I made at a moment of great personal weakness to help you justify your affair.
    WTF is he talking about?

    She goes along with it at every step and makes the brilliant move of marrying this human disaster. I feel sorry for Mark and hope he has the wisdom to fuck it and drop it.

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  9. And I'll add - for what its worth, I KNOW that not every failed relationship is a mans fault. My S.O. was previously married and while he will never say an unkind thing about his ex wife, our mutual friends let me know how much of a banshee she was, and I can tell just by the stories (that he tries to justify as "his fault") how batshit insane she was.

    She was controlling, wouldnt allow him to see his friends or go to family functions that were important to him. He didnt use his degree because she made him get a job - with her dad, and the house they moved to was owned by her dad and oh yes, the house and job were also 12 hours away from where he grew up which pretty much put him at the mercy of her and her family. She then refused to get a job because nothing was "good enough" for her, so my S.O. struggled to support them while she did nothing. She would bring home random dogs she "rescued" from the puppymill even though she hated animals in retrospect, and they woudl eventually have to give them back because even though she was home all day, she couldnt take care of them.

    Then one day she turned to him and announced she didnt love him anymore. And the response she wanted was that he'd try harder, but what she got was him packing a suitcase and moving back home where people who cared about him were. So, since she was butthurt about this, she made sure the divorce went like hell. Even though they are now officially divorced (which took a year since it was between states, and she was "too busy" to sign papers) she's managed to run his credit into the ground because she wont sign the car payments into her name, so the car she has, in flordia, isnt hers yet, it's his, and she's not paying the car payments.

    So since his credit is shit, he cant get loans.

    He cant get loans, so he cant go back to school.

    Insane comes in all forms, and women can most definately be manipulating and insane.

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  10. Re: Anonymous

    I was concerned the way I wrote this story was a little too biased. It wasnt intended, it just came out that way.

    I can only repeat what the subject of the story tells me. As such, they ALL sound a little biased, but just the way I wrote this one it sounded more biased than usual.

    (Man, I'm still waiting for a verifiable, publishable Psychotic Letter From a Woman so I can turn the tables.)

    Anyway, I literally had VOLUMES of emails to comb through in this story- in fact I couldn't even read them all there were so many.

    In the end, I just chose to relate the story I was told, and print his final email.

    Do I think the subject of this story deserves no blame whatsoever? Who knows? She could be a nutbag, but from our conversations she certainly didn't seem that way. Believe me, I weed out as many nutbags as I can. I can spot 'em pretty easily by now, and if I read someone and feel like all they want is sympathy and to proclaim "MEN ARE HORRIBLE", then I never publish it. I get a lot of mail from straight up man-haters, and I try to not to print those.

    This story seemed very legitimate, and this guy did a lot of other shit to her I didnt even write about. Straight up he was using her to pay his way and he was too lazy to hold a job injury or not- I dont think I communicated it effectively enough in the story.

    And yes, I KNOW some women are nuts, LOTS of them are. Believe, I prefer to date those kind of women because I'm an idiot and am attracted to that type of personality and never learn my lesson.

    But do I write the story in order to sympathize with women? Perhaps it comes off that way, but thats largely because I simply retell a story told to me by a woman in my own words.

    Frankly, there's a few stories on here that ended up kind of not how I wanted them to. This is one of them, as I dont think I detailed the harrassment enough.

    Anyway, I also think it's important to understand that not ALL people are brought up to have the same relationship skills.

    Take Heidi for example: After spending her entire childhood trying to please/ impress her father, who just abused her anyway and told her she was a piece of shit, she has it ingrained into her head that that is how people are normally treated- no matter what you do, its never enough to please anyone and your still a piece of shit.

    When she enters a relationship as an adult and a guy treats her like shit, she MAY not have the psychological tools to recognize she is being treated badly; I think thats kind of the case here.

    Phil knew he could do or say anything he wanted to her, because she would just blame herself and come back for more to try and please him; thats how she was raised by her father.

    That says more about her as a PERSON than it says about her as a woman. It happens to men too.

    Thankfully, she finally woke up and realized perhaps it wasn't her that was the problem.

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  11. But in real life, who knows? I wasn't there. Maybe she's a raving bitch and drove him fucking crazy. I dont know. But from all the evidence she gave me that I asked for, this guy straight up seemed like a douchebag, so I was comfortable playing him off that way.

    A lot of male readers hate me for this site because they think I'm PERSONALLY siding with the woman on every story. Frankly, I pretty much just try to re-tell a story from her perspective, but because I'm a man, they feel I'm some fucking softie or an ass-kisser to women.

    That's not my point. A lot of the times, I just like to write the dumb jokes.

    Anyway, I tell ya, sometime I'd love to have one of these guys come here and write THEIR side of the story. I would gladly print it.

    Lastly, you have had to have read this blog to for a while to know why I make fun of the "blame-throwers". Because no matter what happens in the story, no matter how horrible, someone or some troll will inevitably blame the woman.

    And I mean LITERALLY, if I wrote a story about a woman getting raped and beaten in an alley at the entrance to her downtown loft on her way home from work, some jackass (or jackassette) will ALWAYS write in "Well, why did she buy a loft downtown? She should have known better than to live downtown. She can only blame herself."

    It goes back to the generic "getting raped in the miniskirt" example. If a woman gets raped while she's wearing mini-skirt, most people will blame the rapist. But a few will blame the woman for wearing the mini-skirt. And I don't care who the fuck you are, that just ain't right. You'd either have to be a fucking idiot or a rapist to believe that.

    Thats what that stupid joke was intending to address.

    You guys are always free to express your opinions here, just as I'm free to address my opinion on your opinion.

    So be it.

    OK I'm done.

    weez

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  12. The above novel of a comment by me should have been released in book form. Sorry.

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  13. How is he not the bad guy here? You ARE a blame thrower if you look at this situation and try to side with Phil in the slightest.

    Criticizing is not your simplistic notion of taking sides. There is a lot to criticize here. This crisis could have been averted with any modicum of judgment and action. Both parties clearly had none and she did nothing to stand up for herself and guide their course (ie, take responsibility). She supported it. Phil was a disaster, but why did she have these lapses? There's no reason.

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  14. Are you mentally deficient? Weasel just explained, at length, WHY she would have such lapses in judgement. Have YOU ever been in an abusive relationship, be it friend of the opposite (or same) gender or family? Sometimes people are too broken after such experiences to be quick to metaphorically grow a pair.

    Just shut up and stop trying to be blatantly antagonistic. You sound very hateful of people who make bad judgements or decisions, so one can only assume you think you are better than every other human on the planet or that you have been so bitten by your own past mistakes that you feel that gives you justification to criticize others for making similar mistakes.

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  15. When she enters a relationship as an adult and a guy treats her like shit, she MAY not have the psychological tools to recognize she is being treated badly; I think thats kind of the case here.
    While this is sympathizing, it doesn't release her from responsibility. She still made choices and followed through (whether or not she considered alternatives).

    You could write a likewise sympathizing narrative to explain Phil's fuck-ups by saying that's all he knew. He's still responsible for his choices and your narrative clearly shows this: he has the power to do/choose better. It treats her to a different standard. It deemphasizes that standard of responsibility for her by unreflectively emphasizing her thoughts (she has no choice) rather than reality (she has unclaimed choice). This deemphasis detracts from rather than affirms the notion that she (or perhaps women?) has power to choose.

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  16. And I mean LITERALLY, if I wrote a story about a woman getting raped and beaten in an alley at the entrance to her downtown loft on her way home from work, some jackass (or jackassette) will ALWAYS write in "Well, why did she buy a loft downtown? She should have known better than to live downtown. She can only blame herself."
    Nice strawman. It's easier to discount a criticism when it's not its source, isn't it?

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  17. Are you mentally deficient? Weasel just explained, at length, WHY she would have such lapses in judgement.
    Alright then: good, choice-excluding reasons. People raised in the same situation often escape and do the opposite: they resolve to assert themselves and have none of that. Choice exists whether or not it's recognized.

    Inconvenient truth: responsibility. No one claims it's easy.

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  18. Oh, jesus, here we go. You know the anon is full of fuckery after Weas just laid it out there as to why he called out the balme throwers.

    I tend to lay the blame on this at the feet of Phil's parents. They failed at raising a responsible adult that can support himself.

    I'm glad Heidi eventually "chose" to get out. I wonder if Phl is still "choosing" to be a whiney, raping, man-child fuckwit.

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  19. Balme throwers? Fuck me. Blame throwers.

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  20. They failed at raising a responsible adult that can support himself.
    So did Heidi's parents.

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  21. Too many "Anonymous" people! I can barely keep track of this. It's like a tennis match between two (or three!) invisible people. Wait. Which one is the trollish jerk?

    @Weasel: Don't pay any mind to the gender-fight-bait. As a Y chromosomed American, I think you're doing a bang up job. Cheers!

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  22. But Phil's parents failed in a completely different way. Teaching your son to depend on handouts and other people for their entire life is no way to raise a child.
    I know someone like that. His parents have bailed him out his entire life. At the age of 50 something, and married, with five kids, his parents are STILL paying his rent and he is pursuing a career as a film writer... It never ends well.

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  23. Yes, yes, they both made choices. One made the choice to smoke pot all day and live off his girlfriend's money. The other made the choice to pay for their mutual bills and try to get her boyfriend a job. Clearly, they are equally at fault for this mess. Clearly, holding a job and trying to help the man you love is just as bad as lying to your parents, running up bills, failing to get yourself insurance when you have the funds, and occasionally flying into rages.

    Of course, when she did dump him, he blamed her for not supporting him. Nice to see how no one here is talking about his whiny letter that blames her for not giving him the support she actually was giving him. Carry on! It is after all always the woman's fault -- if not entirely, at least 50-50.

    For god's sake! Should she have left sooner? Yes. He is still a reprehensible human being. Her error was to support, with good intentions, a man who didn't want to improve but only to continue to enjoy being a hurtful parasite. Is that cowardice or love?

    And even if it is cowardice and cowardice alone, how is he too not a coward -- the man who couldn't bring himself to hold a job or face his parents? If he wasn't a coward in some way, then he was just actively wicked and lazy. If he was a coward, and his sins thus in part comparable to her, his cowardice hurt two people in wholly unnecessary ways, while her cowardice mostly hurt herself even as it helped keep him in food and shelter and pot and comic books. And cowardice alone isn't his only fault, far from it; there's all the wasteful and hurtful things he did freely, such as failing to budget anything because he knew she would do it, or cursing in text at deaf people, or trashing an apartment, and on and on.

    Someone will always blame the woman. Always.

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  24. Does anyone else think that her accusation of "rape" is baseless? So many women cry "rape" when they have had sex even though they didn't really feel like it at the time, or regret it later. There's a big difference between that and REAL rape. Real rape is utterly terrifying and dehumanizing and I get the feeling that this girl is throwing around the word to further villify her ex and gain sympathy from others.

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    Replies
    1. No. I thought he raped her. Have you met a lot of women who "Cry Rape" after having sex with you? Maybe you should think about that.

      Delete
  25. This is a tough one to make jokes about as he's so damn heinous. The long sad spiral of abuse is pretty heavy.

    I wish they would teach "How to spot a psycho" in Sex Ed. A regular reading of PLFM might of helped me out a lot in my teens and twenties. God I was an easy target for manipulators then.

    Weasel, You tearing apart the psycho's logic with your wit is such a balm to my soul. Thanks!

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  26. @anon 4:27 how on Earth would you know that from this blog entry? Unless you think most women who don't fit your narrow view of the proper reaction to a rape are liars? Trauma effects people in a lot of ways.

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  27. @anon 4:27: Um, the definition of rape is unwanted sex. If she didn't actively consent to sleeping with him, it was rape, end of story. And I fail to see how you can tell, from reading this one blog post, exactly what happened that night and if she consented or not. Rape apology is not cool, kthnxbye.

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  28. There you go confusing blame and criticism. Anonymous is not talking about morality. They're criticizing her choices' intelligence. Did she make stupid choices? Yes. Where they morally wrong? No. Moral idiots can exist. She proves it.

    trying to help ... with good intentions
    Unobjective reading. Bias.

    The other made the choice to pay for their mutual bills and try to get her boyfriend a job.
    That's not all she did. She supported his bad habits, rewarded misbehavior, stuck with him, and married the idiot. She did not stand up for herself, cut off his bullshit, and seek better. She took the lazy route: settle.

    her cowardice mostly hurt herself even as it helped keep him in food and shelter and pot and comic books.
    His parents did the same and you blame them yet not her. You think supporting his bad choices helps him?

    Is that cowardice or love?
    It's stupidity.

    Keep pretending she's a helpless child. Don't expect her to make better choices. Give up a woman's power to control her situation.

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  29. Does anyone else think that her accusation of "rape" is baseless?
    I share you concern. It's tempting to just smear a person to win your way in this kind of charged situation and it's an easy claim to make: the narrative doesn't say much to substantiate it, so it rests only on her word. She's not an objective authority. Some skepticism is healthy here.

    was rape, end of story.
    Not end of story. Rape is unconsensual sex. If you give away money due to peer pressure and don't want to, it is not theft. You gave consent. No one coerced you. Likewise with sex and any transaction.

    I fail to see how you can tell, from reading this one blog post, exactly what happened that night
    Neither can you. Word of mouth is not evidence. Ad ignorantiam.

    Rape apology is not cool
    Neither is rape accusation apology nor presupposition of rape. kthxbai

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  30. 2:33 Anon

    You don't come off as logical when you respond to a logical fallacy with another logical fallacy.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hey Weasel! Been reading the blog for a while now, and I'm just now posting to tell you how much I enjoy reading it!

    Keep up the good work! Fuck the blame throwers!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Weas, you made my day. Thanks for the post! :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. You don't come off as logical when you respond to a logical fallacy with another logical fallacy.
    What fallacy is that? Identity it.

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  34. @6:54 Anon

    Loaded Question. Plurium Interrogationum.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Anon 6:08: Your rape/theft analogy makes no sense.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Gah, too many anons! One remark, to someone:
    Phil's parents failed to raise a son with the skills to support himself, period. And they suck for allowing Heidi to step up to pay his medical bills, since I doubt anyone's dumb enough to think that his failing to get insurance his her fault!

    Also sounds like she didn't have the tools to recognize and get out of an abusive relationship, and that's not as rare as it should be. I know some PhDs who were in horribly abusive relationships for years and years...

    These letters are bad for my blood pressure!

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  37. Loaded Question. Plurium Interrogationum.
    Where? Is the concept of demonstrating what you refer to new to you?

    Your rape/theft analogy makes no sense.
    You don't make sense. Rape is clearly defined. The importance of consent (situationally demonstrable) in contrast to want (a mental state that requires mind-reading to demonstrate) is strongly suggested.

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  38. While I feel that both parties were at fault (I'm going to give it a 15%/85% split,obviously with Phil garnering the majority of the douchebaggery), but I feel a lot of the commentators are ignoring Phil's parents' role in this. They raised an incompetent,lazy, violent, entitled gobshit and they should be kicked in the ear.

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  39. I guess we as humans always hope that things will improve when we invest our love and care into someone else and things turn out to be less peachy than we had thought they would. It's not always that easy to admit that all the effort you had put in was all for nothing. Failure, people can sniff out the stink of festering self confindence a mile away.

    xxx Love you weasel.

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  40. @9:00 Anon

    And again...

    ReplyDelete
  41. Just want to quickly defend Phil's Psychologist. Maligning the Psychologist seems to be based on the idea that Phil was honest with him/her. If Phil actually told his therapist "My wife had a male friend who is a better person than I am. So I raped my wife and threatened to kill them both." and the psychologist said "That is totally normal." yes, BAD psychologist. More likely though is that Phil said "When I found out my wife was fucking her coworker I felt like I could kill them both." and psychologist said "it is common to have a violent reaction to feeling betrayed by a loved one. The key is that we dont act on these impulses." and Phil took away from that 'You are totally normal!Anyone who disagrees is an evil bitch!'

    Oh and Anonymous @ JANUARY 21, 2010 3:01 PM (who seems to be the blame thrower Anon ... if not, sorry) you are right. Heidi's parents DID fail her. That was stipulated. That is the WHOLE FUCKING POINT.

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  42. Mother. Of. God.

    Yes, he's a pig, but COME ON. I don't care how F'd up your childhood was, she should have left years earlier. I got no sympathy!

    ReplyDelete
  43. ......Argumentative Anon = Phil's mom.

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  44. I was going to write a similar blog concerning this topic, you beat me to it. You did a nice job! Thanks and well add your RSS to come categories on our blogs. Thanks so much, Jon B.Married Internet Dating

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  45. Heidi's parents DID fail her. That was stipulated. That is the WHOLE FUCKING POINT.
    And you're missing it.

    And again...
    I don't think you know what a load question is.

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  46. @Heidi - I don't know you, but I'm so very proud of you. Take care. I've just witnessed a good friend go through a very similar experience: Same kind of guy and similar mind games, eventually physically abusive and at present doing his worst to complicate the divorce.

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  47. First off, throwing around blame and arguing about the subtler points of "who's at fault", "who's stupid", and "who 'raped' who" is nothing more than verbal masturbation. The fact remains that NO ONE (outside of Heidi and Phil...and possible some people close to them) know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I enjoy your blog Weas, but I'll be honest. Its not the freaking United Nations. I feel for Heidi if the situation went down exactly as described. I feel for Phil if she's lying through her teeth and he got the raw end of the deal. I feel for both of them because, lets face it, its a crappy situation in general. However, and I may get reamed for this, I neither know nor care about them enough to attempt to analyze what pithy information is posted here and resolve their inner psychoses. Jesus, we may as well sit here and debate the existence of God. Or even the existence of existence. You don't know. I don't know. But let's get real heated and personal about it anyways. That's constructive.

    This is comedy, people. Therefore, one should expect the possibility of a modicum of fiction and exaggeration. If you don't like it, don't read it.

    And really, if you're throwing out pretentious Latin phrases and talking like my college Logic and Reason professor...you need to get a life and stop taking this so goddamn seriously.

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  48. For more information about how this went down, check out this blog.


    "In truth, my husband was abusive. This was not something I knew or could have directly expressed at the time. I had been effectively isolated from all my friends and family, and had no outside support structure to assist me in recognizing I was being abused. The real reason for our attendance at couples therapy was because I had met another man who had told me my relationship was abusive and I deserved better. As a result, I had begun to demand small things of my husband to try and prove, to myself, that our relationship was not abusive. I began to ask that he pay some of our bills, let me leave the house more often, not read my emails, and allow me to say no to sex sometimes. This caused his abuse to accelerate, which caused me to begin talk of moving out."

    Yes, it certainly is all her fucking fault, and clearly we need to hear his side of the story. For fuck's sake, his letter alone demonstrates what an unreasonable, abusive, lying sack of shit he is.

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  49. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is after you've left. That's when you start having to fear for your life.

    Judging from his letter, I'd say that Heidi might well have been scared to leave earlier..

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  50. I still maintain my earlier position that it sounds like something's fishy with her rape accusation. I would think that if it was a real, honest-to-goodness rape, this incident would be more than an afterthought in her story (oh, yeah, he raped me too, by the way). I would think that the rape would be the focal point of the story.

    And there's a difference between unwanted sex and kinda-wish-I-didn't-do-it sex. The former generally involves physical restraint, an incapacitating substance, and/or threats of voiolence, and the latter is just when someone made a mistake in sleeping with someone and chooses to villify their partner and gain sympathy for themselves by calling it rape.

    And I say this as a feminist, because there's something fishy about the way this rape is mentioned, and false accusations of rape really hurt victims of real rape.

    If it was indeed rape . . . then I feel awful for my suspicion.

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  51. You people who are saying it's not rape, fuck you. Seriously. Just because you're in a relationship and have done it before and maybe even partway through went "oh god, alright, just get it over with", it can still be fucking rape. It's happened to me and it was awful. And fuck you for assuming that it doesn't hurt as much and doesn't cause the same trauma. No, I'm not going to be less angry about this, because you are fucking morons. Rape is when you don't want sex. If she says she didn't want it, she didn't. The end. Why doubt her? If she's not telling the truth, that's the job of the courts. I'm all for skepticism, but when there is no basis for not believing her, you just come off as an asshole. Of course, I realize I'm wasting my time talking to an idiot troll who wouldn't even dare say such a thing to anyone's face.

    The comment that it's like having a bully force you to give you his lunch money is stupid. Seriously, someone using verbal or physical strength to force you to 'give' them money, or sex, or anything... just because you 'gave' it to them, doesn't mean it was willing. How many kids that "give" their lunch money to the bully are really willing? It's theft, and trying to say otherwise is really stretching it.

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  52. I have a few (too many) words for the italics happy pedant who wants to crucify Heidi.

    Should she have done a lot of things differently? Yes. Now that we've settled that:

    The sorry excuse for a man we are witnessing here should be strapped to a dentist's chair and tortured to death. I don't know where these fuckheads find women who are willing to support them, give everything to them, and love them unconditionally, because I would cherish a woman like that, rather than blame her for not doing more to support my drug habit and laziness. (However, let's be clear here, I would kill for a woman who would support my drug habit--kidding).

    The bottom line, is that this fuckhead allowed someone to support him, and then blamed them when they were done. I have four words for you, Phil: Get. A. Fucking. Job.

    Oh, that's right, fuckstain, you had one. That your girlfriend got you.

    Just because she allowed him to do this bullshit doesn't make it her fault. When someone entrusts you with something precious, you have a responsibility--yes responsibility to cherish it, not shit all over it.

    True responsbility always lies with those who have the power--whether that power is given or taken by force. Phil had the power here, and he used it to shit all over her. Does that absolve her of any responsiblity? No, but first she took responsibility for him, and then, when she woke up, she took responsibility for herself. Stop beating her up for being slow. Love does crazy shit to people.

    We may not have the full story, but his final letter says it all--Weasel, you missed a lot of YOUs. This worthless fuck did not accept any responsbility for the power he had--he just wanted more of it, when she finally decided to take it back.

    Pull your head out of your ass, anonymous, Heidi is a good, if scarred, woman who tried to make it work with a man who expected her to do everything--she fixed it, even if it wasn't soon enough for you. Whether it was soon enough for you or not doesn't mean shit to me, and I would suspect a few others out here.

    I'm a man, by the way. I have supported myself since I was 20--my parents were good enough to do it before that. I would never ask for a woman to support me like Phil, but I would thank god every day if I found one who is willing to just because she loves me.

    Weasel, sorry for the novel--I don't usually post--I just enjoy the blog instead, but this one bothered me. A lot.

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  53. throwing around blame
    Define blame, because a clear distinction between it and other criticisms has been drawn.

    subtler points of "who's at fault", "who's stupid", and "who 'raped' who" is nothing more than verbal masturbation
    The distinction between true and false claims is more than 'subtle'.

    You don't know.
    We read the same story. We know what it claims. The ideas it expresses justify debate and criticism.

    went "oh god, alright, just get it over with", it can still be fucking rape.
    Not rape. Consent is still given. If the person withdrew consent, then it would be rape.

    If she's not telling the truth, that's the job of the courts.
    So it's automatically true?

    when there is no basis for not believing her, you just come off as an asshole.
    There is no basis to believe, either. Ad ignorantiam.

    The comment that it's like having a bully force you to give you his lunch money is stupid.
    No comment said that. Straw man.

    Seriously, someone using verbal or physical strength
    No such thing as 'verbal strength'. There is firm promise of force (ie, threat), however.

    to force you to 'give' them money, or sex, or anything... just because you 'gave' it to them, doesn't mean it was willing.
    Not consent. Consent is not coerced.

    Since you fail at applying definitions correctly, I'll do it once for you. Example: church is passing around a donation basket and you don't want to give away your money, but everyone around you donates and you don't want to look selfish. So you reluctantly drop a few dollars in it. You consensually gave money you did not want to: not theft.

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  54. The italics loving pedant should be strapped in the dentist's chair after Phil.

    Dumfuck.

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  55. The sorry excuse for a man we are witnessing here should be strapped to a dentist's chair and tortured to death.
    You condone torture?

    whether that power is given or taken by force. Phil had the power here, and he used it to shit all over her.
    You don't get to define power that way. Power is the ability to make choices and have them carried out. Forfeiting choice (or delegating them to others) is also a choice. Such a forfeit is insignificant when the forfeiter can reclaim choice at will, which Heidi could. Nothing logically prevented it.

    Heidi had power and chose not to exercise it. She could have refused Phil's choices at every step but chose not to. Instead, she used her power to support his stupid choices and go along with him every single step of the way including marriage. This is incredibly irresponsible and stupid and it merits criticism.

    Love does crazy shit to people.
    And excuses nothing.

    Heidi is a good, if scarred, woman who tried to make it work with a man who expected her to do everything--she fixed it, even if it wasn't soon enough for you.
    Good is not enough. This was a horrible lapse in judgment with expected results. See 'incredibly irresponsible and stupid' above.

    I'm a man, by the way.
    White knight.

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  56. Are you people serious? Honing your debate skills on PLFM is more pathetic than anything Phil and Heidi did.

    My god, I thought accidently clicked a link to "Teaching the Socratic Method (To people too stupid to understand how to use it)".

    This is just sad.

    I have no doubt Heidi's sorry for sharing.

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  57. I only condone torture when it comes to people like you, Phil, and Idi Amin. I could strap the three of you into dentist's chairs and torture you with a glee I haven't experienced since Christmas morning when I was 6 years old and Santa brought me everything I asked for. I suppose that makes me a black rather than white knight, ay?

    Just the other day a good friend of mine said, "if you argue with idiots, you're an idiot." I feel so foolish for falling into the trap. but since I'm here... Sigh. It won't be the last time. However, after this post, I read PLFM and WWHM to laugh not argue with idiots, so I have learned my lesson.

    You have a lot to learn about power--you probably don't have any beyond the personal power you blame Heidi for not exercising and you compensate by trying to control meaningless debates.

    Those of us who have the power to affect other people's lives because we are in positions of authority (like Phil, like every parent on the planet, etc.) should know what I'm talking about.

    Granted you probalby would also tell your 5 year old to get a job and get out of the house to get out from under your power and exercise his own. On the other hand, I don't make a distinction between power that's given and not--either way, the person with the power has a responsibility--you did not address that because you have missed the point.

    Heidi took her power back, and you have completely ignored that, ergo (since you like latin so much) she did what you are claiming she did not--she exercised her power, while Phil never took responsibility for his.

    Feel free to reply, but I'm done here--unlike you, I have nothing to prove--I just felt bad that you are attacking this woman who clearly did the right thing in the end. The main reason this story is here is the letter Phil wrote--you might want to read it again because it is a big, steaming cup of crazy, and you clearly don't know what that looks like even though you probably imbibe one every morning.

    I'm back to reading the stories and staying out of these threads because it does nothing but reaffirm my misanthrope.

    Take care.

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  58. Woldemort employs cheep rhetorical tricks while indulging in victim blaming. I get why you'd feel the need to respond. He's a wile creature indeed! However, the most efficient course of action is that of "don't feed the throll". He'll huff and he'll puff and then he'll walk away crying when he fails to ellicit a response.

    I'd really like to her from readers with similar stories.

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  59. Do you see, men? Do you see what happens when you fuck with your daughters? When you abuse them or abandon them? They go on to let another man do the exact same thing. Without fucking fail they will continue to be abused after you're done. Let this be a lesson; if you're going to be a father, be a father, not the first man in a long line of men to abuse her.

    Can't we stop this at it's source?

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  60. Normally I wouldn't get into a discussion that seems to go round and round, but this whole misunderstanding of what rape is leads to a hell of a lot of problems.

    Having sex with someone because of the threat of violence if you don't is rape. It is not consent because of the threat of violence. It does not need to be a stated threat, implied or referencing previous violent acts also falls under coersion.

    The threat does not have to be directed at the victim themselves. It can be directed at something they love. It still isn't consent if they have sex to prevent something they loved from being hurt.

    (Real life, well known example: Elizabeth Smart. Little girl stayed with the rapist/kidnapper because he threatened to hurt/kill her family if she didn't. This does not mean that she gave him consent to kidnap her and have sex with her.)

    Just because you take your cloths off instead of having them ripped from your body and just because you lie down on the bed instead of being bodily thrown there does not mean that you want sex to happen. It doesn't mean that the act doesn't tear gashes in your soul. A woman who wants sex acts very differently from one who doesn't.

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  61. The story doesn't revolve around the rape and doesn't give details - maybe because it's an extremely painful and personal moment of her life that she doesn't want to go into detail with an internet board full of trolls? We have no way of really knowing what really happened there. Maybe he did physically force her while she screamed 'NO!'. Maybe he didn't. If we were judges in a court, we'd want more evidence before making a judgement. (Actually, if we were judges in a court, I'd be very, very worried about our country's future.) We're being told a story, not a sworn testimony.

    Why do the victims stay? That is the question we'd all like an answer to. I've known educated women raised in good homes who still put up with abuse for twenty years. They would have walked out the day he was physically violent, but lying, manipulating, and emotional abuse somehow got by under the radar.

    In the end all I can say is that we're all responsible for our own actions. Heidi prolonged her own suffering by staying in a bad situation. That's dumb (in the sense of uneducated and incorrect and somewhat stupid), but not morally reprehensible, last time I checked. Phil actively abused her. That IS morally reprehensible.

    I'm glad she's out. I hope she's doing okay.

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  62. but this whole misunderstanding of what rape
    Anonymous's definition and comments corroborate everything you wrote: rape is unconsensual sex, consent is not coerced.

    I suppose that makes me a black rather than white knight, ay?
    No. Look up white knight. Your childish indulgence of torture fantasy doesn't make you look one bit objective.

    You have a lot to learn about power
    You have a lot to learn about power and objectivity.

    I don't make a distinction between power that's given and not
    No, you just ignore it.

    Those of us who have the power to affect other people's lives because we are in positions of authority (like Phil, like every parent on the planet, etc.)
    She has a job, an income, an apartment: she has more personal power than he. Phil's ability to have his choices regarding Heidi carried out depended largely on Heidi volunteering herself and her resources. His 'power' over her ceases the moment she ceases volunteering. He has no special ability (beyond that of a weed-smoking, jobless, freeloader) to enforce or demand compliance: he has no authority.

    you probably don't have any beyond the personal power you blame Heidi for not exercising and you compensate by trying to control meaningless debates.
    My definition is not restricted that way. 'Have them carried out' does not mean 'carry them out yourself'. Nonetheless, even personal power is sufficient for most needs. Heidi clearly did not use hers wisely. Explain how I 'try to control a meaningless debate'. Try not to look like an idiot as you do so.

    Granted you probalby would also tell your 5 year old to get a job and get out of the house to get out from under your power and exercise his own.
    Nice straw man and non sequitur.

    either way, the person with the power has a responsibility--you did not address that because you have missed the point.
    Yes, I did. I clearly state she had power. They both had power. There is no 'the person'. Couched phrasing.
    Your redefinition of power fails. You don't get to recognize power only when it suits you, disregard it otherwise, and claim true objectivity. My definition can at least claim that.

    Heidi took her power back
    Which supposes she gave it away. See your statement about never making a distinction over this.

    and you have completely ignored that, ergo (since you like latin so much) she did what you are claiming she did not
    It's great that foolishness doesn't last forever. It's highly objectionable that she continued supporting it beyond any tolerable limit, accepted blame for its misdeeds, married it, moved into its parents' basement, and had apparently abandoned independent thought.

    I have nothing to prove
    And prove nothing.

    I just felt bad that you are attacking this woman who clearly did the right thing in the end.
    I criticise her unwise judgment. You distance her from such expectation. Distancing a person from expectation to use good judgment also distances them from the power it gives them. That sends a condescending, disempowering message. You should feel bad.

    It wouldn't surprise me if she took no break from relationships even with the divorce. The story leaves the possibility open.

    Maybe her sex distracts you. Imagine Heidi were a man and consider the issues.

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  63. Im glad she got out of the relationship. Ive been there done that myself. I stayed because my family always taught me, you made your bed you lay in it. So I did for 10 agonizing years. I had three kids... why because my ex wouldnt give me the money to buy birth control pills. Told me that all my money that I made went to groceries and such and I had nothing of value in the relationship.

    Well I did get half of his retirement in the divorce which amounted to a mere 2K. I took over half the bills and the kids. I left him the apartment, the car, and all the furniture. After 15 years of divorce bliss IM still happy I left.

    He still tries to control me. Tells people our middle son is by someone else. Ive told him every time he tries this crap lets have a DNA test done. All my kids are by him. He says I cheated... I didnt. But he did, and lets see the last one he screwed around on with me when we were married was the 15 year old baby sitter... he really should have gone to prison for that one but her parents were ok with it... ok they should have gone to prison too.

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  64. [i]I criticise her unwise judgment.[/i]

    Why? Who are you to criticize her judgement? Why does this story matter so much to you?

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  65. This is re: what Katie said, a few posts above, about how abusive fathers can set daughters on a course of tolerating abuse later in their lives. Just for a data point, my father was great, and it was my mother who was abusive. I ended up with an abuser and a freeloader (not the same person.) I left the abuser and the freeloader after about a year each.

    I would say that low self-esteem attracts abusers and freeloaders. They can smell it.

    I knew I needed to get away from the abuser almost immediately, but I kept looking for a more convenient time when his self-esteem was better and he wouldn't take it so hard. He had lost his job and I tried to wait until he found one. However, when he found one, he still wasn't happy and his self-esteem and anger still didn't get better. My problem was I had a very hard time standing up to his anger and pressure. To this day I shy away from pushy people and just try not to be around them. My mother instilled that, or maybe genetics--but not my father. Yes, I take responsibility. This trait has held me back in the work world too. I just want to do my work quietly in my booth and not hammer out decisions with any pushy people.

    The freeloader, I take full responsibility. He was good-looking and fit a certain image that I felt would get me points socially. I should not have ever tried to hang around with people who would accept me based on whether I had a man on my arm, or a man who looked a certain way. The freeloader, since he wasn't mean, was good in some other (non-shallow) ways, so I still thank him for the good things he brought into my life. He didn't hurt or scare me, but I think my low-self-esteem, trumpeted by my body language, attracted him.

    Bottom line, abuse from either parent can instill the kind of low self-esteem and un-savvy about the world that can make some people attract abusers and freeloaders...or take too long to leave them.

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  66. I'm so very happy for Heidi.

    Good job getting out of that situation, you deserve better. :)

    I've never had anything this severe, but I was in a situation (read: not a boyfriend) where I was being verbally and emotionally abused. Even though I have fantastic parents who gave me the courage and self-respect to Get. The. Fuck. Out. it still took me a few days to leave and I questioned myself every single step of the way. It's confusing and exausting.

    I hope Mark ends up being a great guy so you can finally live a better life.

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  67. Why?
    Already explained. Anymore repetition is wasted. Scroll up.

    Who are you to criticize her judgement?
    Anonymous. I could be Osama Bin Hitler Jesus for all you care. It doesn't affect the criticism's justifiability. Ad hominem.

    Why does this story matter so much to you?
    Loaded question. It doesn't. I answer comments that dispute this criticism, claim it's something else, or argue claims using rhetoric and fallacy that rely more on unquestioning bias than logical standards.

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  68. Does anyone else think that her accusation of "rape" is baseless?

    No. I've read Heidi's blog (which I will not be linking to, since there are too many fuckwit trolls here) and what she describes there is very, very clearly rape. Shorter explanation: he wanted to fuck, she said no and he forced her to fuck anyway. That's REAL rape and YES, it's fucking traumatic.

    I'm also really fucking sick of reading that it's okay to abuse someone and treat her like shit if she doesn't fight back, if she doesn't have the financial sophistication to protect herself or the emotional resources to know she can do better. People are not the weather. They can control their behaviour.

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  69. Also, it really pisses me off that people don't consider that prolonged abuse has an effect on people. Trauma makes it harder to think rationally. You cannot expect a traumatized person to make perfect decisions all the time. The victim-blaming fuckwit here is holding Heidi to an unrealistic standard of behaviour, which lets Phil off the hook.

    And yes, if the sexes were reversed I'd say the same thing. If I hit my boyfriend or stole from him or touched him sexually after he'd told me no, he'd be wise to leave me before I did it again. HOWEVER, even if he didn't leave me, IT WOULD BE MY FAULT IF I DID IT AGAIN. I'd be the asshole, not him.

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  70. I've read Heidi's blog (which I will not be linking to, since there are too many fuckwit trolls here)
    Brilliant evasion.

    I'm also really fucking sick of reading that it's okay to abuse someone and treat her like shit
    Where'd you read that?

    if she doesn't fight back, if she doesn't have the financial sophistication to protect herself or the emotional resources to know she can do better.
    Ie, personal power anyone has.

    They can control their behaviour.
    Exactly. She can control her personal power. Hence, criticism.

    The victim-blaming fuckwit here is holding Heidi to an unrealistic standard of behaviour
    This again. You're ignoring she escaped paternal abuse (she was free) and immediately found herself a new source of abuse. Others in her position don't lose their judgment and do that. No, it didn't take them making perfect decisions. It only took them not making perfectly moronic decisions.

    lets Phil off the hook
    Explain why it's impossible to criticize Heidi's choices and blame Phil for his abuses. Is that completely incomprehensible to you!?

    IT WOULD BE MY FAULT IF I DID IT AGAIN. I'd be the asshole, not him.
    Who disputes that? Quote it.

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  71. Oh, and Weasel, please stop apologizing for your site. It's called "Psychotic Letters from Men" and you print psychotic letters from men. Anybody that expects differently is an idiot, and there are about a billion other blogs they can read.

    In this situation, there are a few things that no one's opinions have any bearing on. 1) Women who were abused as children often go on to choose abusive partners. 2) Abuse in childhood has an effect on the brain and on development that is very difficult to undo and without therapy can be almost impossible to undo. We know these things; they have been studied for years. So it's completely irrelevant whether or not someone thinks she should have known better and therefore she's to blame. In the real world, experiences leave their mark - usually in very predictable ways - each one of them coming together to create a person with imperfect judgment and less free will than we would like to assign to them.

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  72. This post was very painful to read. Amy, I'm glad you got away from Phil.

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  73. The italics pedant has yet to be shown up by any of the clearly biased commenters who usually rule the site. Weasel himself admitted it feels more one-sided (less black-white) than other entries. Better to ignore the background story except to enjoy the snark, then laugh at the pathetic LETTER.

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  74. "Also, it really pisses me off that people don't consider that prolonged abuse has an effect on people. Trauma makes it harder to think rationally. You cannot expect a traumatized person to make perfect decisions all the time. The victim-blaming fuckwit here is holding Heidi to an unrealistic standard of behaviour, which lets Phil off the hook."

    Hear hear!

    Heidi, I wish you the awesomest best life!!

    I was in an emotionally isolating and abusive relationship years ago, and thank god had an epiphany before I completely spiraled into that guy's thrall.

    Mr. Uberlogical Anon.... people like this are why I hated Philosphy, except Ethics, and even then, folks who've never been through any real trauma in their lives get very high and mighty about how one OUGHT to respond, and they like to throw around jargony bullshit like "straw man" and various Latin phrases.

    Usually they are devoid of compassion, and favor one-size-fits-all approaches to childrearing.

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  75. Can we just agree to ignore the itali-phile troll? Seriously. He is really, really boring and everytime someone argues with him, he comes back.

    And that's all I've got to say about that.

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  76. There's no reason to try and "show up" the itali-phile, since he's just sound and fury.

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  77. Aww, that's cute. The troll thinks that if you say "no no no no no no no no" and it doesn't work and he still rapes you, that saying "oh god, just get it over with" makes it not rape. Cute! Rapist!
    Oh trolls.

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  78. Weas,
    I just wanted to say that I was having one of those days where I felt shitty, felt like so few people in the world actually get the misogyny that still rages in this society, and nothing was ever going to make a difference. Thank you for writing that little tid bit about rape apology. It was a minor point in the whole of your comments, but when a man can recognize how fucked up patriarchy can be, and genuinely give a shit about it, it makes lives for so many women a little bit brighter. This may seem stupid and rambling, but I don't care. I just wanted to say thank you.

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  79. My big problem with this entry:
    Boo Berry doesn't come in chocolate.
    How dare you slander Boo Berry's good name!
    ;)

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  80. I love you Weasel, and I love how reasonable you are when dealing with the crazy people who blame this sort of thing on the victim.

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  81. I love how the only intelligent poster (italic anon) is branded a troll because none of you have the intelligence to actually meaningfully disagree with any of his very eloquently explained points. Haha, losers, if you're too thick to reply, admit it...dont pretend he's trolling when he actually makes more sense than any of you.

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  82. Sabrina, you're a freaking moron, and so is Italic Anon. People are responding quite meaningfully, about how I.A. is entirely missing the point of WHY she didn't leave sooner. Just because the people responding aren't using fancy language and I.A. is doesn't make I.A. any less of a pedantic, pretentious fuckwit who clearly has never had anything abusive or traumatic happen to them if they can't realise that this woman has been abused all of her life and genuinely did not realise that things were NOT normal and acceptable.

    We don't have the whole story from both sides, which makes it rather hard for ANYONE to pass judgement on who is to blame here. Maybe it is Heidi's fault and she's totally misrepresenting things. Maybe things went down exactly as this entry says. We don't know, and it's fucking horrible to say that she should have left sooner and not have supported him and did this, that, and the other... when maybe she tried. Maybe she said she was going to leave him and he threatened her. From the sounds of it, if she didn't actively support him, he STOLE from her to support his habits.

    Ugh. I'm done. No sense arguing with self-righteous douches.

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  83. "Heidi" has a blog, if one is interested in reading more on her tale:

    http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/

    I swear she's posted this story at least 5 times that I've randomly stumbled across, she certainly has gotten a lot of mileage out of it.

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  84. "It goes back to the generic "getting raped in the miniskirt" example. If a woman gets raped while she's wearing mini-skirt, most people will blame the rapist. But a few will blame the woman for wearing the mini-skirt. And I don't care who the fuck you are, that just ain't right. You'd either have to be a fucking idiot or a rapist to believe that."

    Oh Weasel, you just warmed my black little heart. Being a feminist, I often end up arguing with people who staunchly believe that if a woman gets raped, it's because she was dressed revealingly, or she was being stupid, or blah blah blah. You just gave me so much more hope for humankind!

    And yes, this site is called "Psychotic letters from men," so that's what's printed. I imagine if it was "Psychotic letters from women," or "psychotic letters from people in general," people would still blame the victim -- while women are more likely to be blamed for what happens to them (especially rape-related things) or called names because of it, people tend to be assholes to anyone who's been in an abusive relationship, male or female. Congrats to Heidi for getting away from the asshat and for finding a good relationship -- not everyone can do that.

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  85. Oh God, this sounds just like my ex-boyfriend whom I met in High School and tried to live alone with for a year. Only he kept sending me emails and such for almost five years, told everyone who'd listen that I was a "sickly, anti-social recluse" and even proceeded to impersonate me on the internet.

    He was finally arrested for harassment last year, and has lain low since then. But I agree with the other posts here, most stalkers sound alike in their passive-aggressive "blame you for me" bit.

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  86. Heidi would probably be the first to tell you that she wish she had gotten out sooner. Weasel makes a VERY good point that people who have been abused can have a very hard time spotting a healthy relationship. Guess what? They didn't deserve to be abused. So stop blaming Heidi.

    I once dated someone who wound up being very abusive. He was in my circle of friends and had grown up with some of my closest friends, so I thought he was okay. Ten months later, I got out and away from his abuse. My father yelled at me for being foolish enough to stay with him that long. Wasn't he the one who used to hit me as a kid and told me that as a woman I had to understand and adapt to the idea that men just want sex without the pressure of being attached? Hmph, this one wanted sex AND abuse. Dad doesn't talk to me anymore because I actually began dating someone who *gasp* loves me and wants to marry me and start a family.

    Stop blaming Heidi and saying she doesn't deserve Mark. Her going to him shows she has a higher value of herself than when she was with ol' what's-his-name. She has learned that she deserves better. And where's ol' what's-his-name? Probably still in his parents' basement.

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  87. A monkey will not let go of a branch until it has hold on another. Women will put up with all kinds of BS but htey won't leave until there's someone else in their life. Pretty much all of my female divorce clients have new boyfriends. Well, not counting the ones who live at the shelter.

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