Why do we choose to date losers?
What motivates us to pursue someone who lives at home with their parents, drinks all the time, has no motivation to do anything with their lives, and never has any goddamn fucking money?
What exactly is it that makes us say "Mmmmm, yes, boy, I want piece of that fucking action."
Like stepping on our sunglasses or forgetting where we parked our car, I like to chalk it up to plain stupidity. Sometimes we just don't know any better until it's too late.
But on the bright side, at least when you forget where you parked your car, your car doesn't threaten to kill itself.
Yeah, they pretty much do that dumb shit all the time.
Just ask Sarah.
Sarah had been dating Alec for about ten months. One day she woke up and noticed something really annoying stuck to her sweater.
It was Alec.
You see, Sarah had witnessed two dawns on that particular morning. First, the beautiful sun had dawned on her, which absolutely sparkled with possibility.
The second thing to dawn on Sarah that morning was the fact that her boyfriend Alec was a humongous loser.
Sarah had big plans for life, and had recently decided to take her first big step by applying to a university. She was accepted, and was absolutely elated at the prospect of starting a new life.
Alec was thrilled as well, and together they joined hands and danced in a small semi-circle for at least 13 minutes. Which was great, except for the fact that it never happened.
What actually happened was that Alec got upset that Sarah got into some dumb stupid college. What the hell did a retarded university have to offer Sarah that Alec couldn't provide her, aside from the well manicured ivy plants and economical food plans? And why did his girlfriend have to run off and be all, like, motivated and stuff?
See, Alec had big plans for life too. It was Wednesday, which meant that on Saturday (which was three days later!) Alec had to mow the lawn, because that was part of the agreement he had with his grandparents to live rent free in their house. And free rent is a good deal when you don't have a job in your twenties! Score!
That morning, Sarah knew what she had to do.
Sarah wanted to go out and experience life, a real life, and Alec would do nothing but hold her back from achieving her wildest dreams.
So Alec had to go.
Sarah tried to let down Alec easily at first, but Alec put up a fight. And by fight, I mean he cried like a baby.
Then he whined, and then he pleaded, and then, according to Sarah, he "punched a tree," which not only shocked our nation's arborists, but also caused the price of Sarah's college textbooks to immediately increase another 3.5%.
For reasons unbeknownst to myself, our readers, and Sarah, Sarah eventually gave in and decided to take him back. "Against my better judgement," Sarah adds.
Sarah went off to college and the problems immediately escalated. Alec called her every hour of every day to complain that he missed her, and to endlessly whine about how he never got to see her anymore.
When Alec did visit Sarah, all he did was try to pressure her into having sex with him. Which is annoying enough for most women, but even more so for Sarah, who still proudly carries her HymenBank VISA© platinum card.
Finally Sarah had had enough of it, and dumped his sorry ass.
At which point Alec immediately started threatening to kill himself.
It got bad enough that the police and Alec's family eventually had to get involved, and it turned into a really ugly situation very quickly.
Alec then began to confront Sarah at her church, so she knew it was time to extract herself from the situation. She decided to cut off all ties to Alec, and instructed him to never, ever contact her again in person, or through Facebook, email, telephone, hand-written letter or well-meaning carrier pigeon.
Alec agreed to never contact Sarah again through an extended series of well-constructed emails. Sarah then threatened him with a restraining order, and if he contacted her one more time, she would press charges.
To which Alec promptly resonded with another email.
Go ahead Alec.
first and foremost I wish to apologize for sending this last desperate plea for I know that you with good reason probably hate me. that said I can not and will not ever leave you completely. your words in the church that day were the most painful thing I could have ever heard still even though you could not have ever hurt me more than you did I still love you my love is one thing that is a hard thing to get and once you have it it is not so easy to toss away I only wish that you understand that I cannot and will not ever completely be over you.
because I stupidly fell in love with you a girl who is a selfish, arrogant, brat concerned with only one thing getting hers and the rest of the world can burn for all she cares.
oh I am sorry but that is what you are plain and simple and I only wish I could honestly say I don't care about you anymore but I can't so instead I will stupidly go on loving you for all eternity.
by the way I love you more than my own mother and that is one thing that should be scary to me because my mom went through hell to get me this far.
p.s. dont be surprised if you get this several times because I don't know if you have blocked me on here or any other site I wish you could understand the pain your words inflicted on me cause it hurt a lot to here you say you were afraid of me killing you when I have no means of doing so nor would I ever want to do such a thing.
Yeah, Sarah! You're so selfish and arrogant for going to college! Think about someone else for a change, like maybe, perhaps, oh, I don't know, maybe someone in their twenties that lives with his grandparents and is really good at Guitar Hero.
Alec once again tried to contact Sarah on her birthday, but Sarah rightfully denied all of his overtures. She then received another email from Alec, titled "now i'm gone."
Subj: now i'm gone
and here is the reason
i tried my best but apparently it wasn't good enough
After killing himself a second time, Alec likely enjoyed some refreshing libations and a light (and certainly wholesome) chicken salad, followed by sending Sarah another harassing email a week later.
I hope you know what you have done i needed you and you aren't there and I cant go on living like this I always feel like shit I want to lay with you in the sun every day I will NEVER hurt you or intentionally bring you harm I have only love and respect for you I am confused and wish I could hold you and hear you say everything will be just fine that is truely all i ever wanted and probably all I ever will want cause you brought me true happieness
Please if I am not too late and if your heart hasn't been won by another then PLEASE help me I definitely cant stand the separation any longer If it is just Impossible for you to feel anything Please at least let us be just friends I cant sleep without it ok that is all I have to say.
I appoligize for everything I am just as much to blame for the horrible state of our friendship as you are and yes you do share the blame I don't care what you say you NEVER bring up suicide at the end of a relationship now if you think it is easier to be me than it is to be you let me remind you who had a heart attack at less than half the age he ever expected to have a heart attack at so there you have it a valid reason why we both have had hard shit to deal with.
His email went on longer, but I think we all have other things to do at this point, don't we?
Cookies are baking, dogs are peeing on the carpet, and I actually have a date in two hours, who will probably end up writing a letter about me to PLFM, and I will end up having to criticize myself.
Sarah's last email hurrah?
You're just giving me evidence I could possibly use in court for harrassment. Now get lost and STOP CONTACTING ME.
Good job, Sarah, but now you need to follow up on your threats and file a restraining order. This guy is not going away, period.
PLFM would like to add a note to you women out there currently dating losers. Yes, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.
Losers are horrible to date, but even worse when you dump them. They have nothing else to lose except you, and it always leads to situations like this or worse.
If you sit around wishing your loser boyfriend would get a life, I have a better idea. Why don't you get a life and dump your fucking loser boyfriend.
Feel free to discuss your loser boyfriends and girlfriends in the comments.