Angelina and Peter found themselves stuck in a ho-hum relationship that felt like one of those really bad CSI episodes- you already know how it's going to end, but you're both too lazy to change the channel.
Peter was a nice enough guy and all, but Angelina knew she would never marry him. As far as she knew, the feeling was mutual.
Their lives together had become a testament to the routine and boring; you go to work and come home, you talk a bit about the weather over some Kung Pao chicken, and maybe once a month he'd laboriously mount her like a trained seal, perform a little scripted mechanical fumbling, and 3 minutes later his face would resemble a donkey choking on a golf ball.
Angelina admits Peter kind of squeaked his way into her life in the first place. After a difficult divorce three years prior, Peter had earnestly auditioned for the role of "rebound." And like most rebounds, Peter won the part by lacking the qualities Angelina so detested in her ex-husband.
But the performance piece was long over, and Angelina was ready to move on. She just needed that little extra kick to finally push her out of the house, and Peter eventually provided the foot:
Angelina learned Peter had placed his profile on a local dating site.
La Vaginelle de Angelina promptly closed for business, and the hostess informed Peter he needed to find a new place to eat.
Luckily, Angelina lived only three hours away from her hometown of Williamsburg, and couldn't wait to move back home near her family and start life anew. The possibilities were endless; new job, new boyfriend, and a whole new direction she had sought in the years since her divorce.
Her dreams immediately came to fruition. Angelina found a new job that she loved, and found a new boyfriend named Mark that loved her. She enjoyed living near her parents, and the forecast for her life couldn't possibly have looked sunnier.
Until four months later, when Hurricane Peter suddenly re-formed on the horizon.
And he was out to prove one thing: He totally fucking blows.
Peter began contacting Angelina to recite a series of poorly-constructed haikus concerning her selfish decision to move so far away from him. He usually followed his complaints by making belittling comments about her new hometown of Williamsburg, saying it was too small and full of people he didn't like.
Damn, Williamsburg, you got fucking OOOOWWWNNED!
Angelina attempted to expedite the process by revealing her new relationship with Mark to Peter, hoping this might help Peter understand the breakup was permanent and perhaps it was time for him to move on to greener pastures. The plan backfired horribly, and Peter became so incensed that he literally began foaming at the mouth, which may or not have led to the soiling of his new collection of "I ♥ Williamsburg" T-shirts.
Peter somehow tracked down Mark's cellphone number and began texting Mark questions about his relationship with Angelina. Hoping to circumvent further problems, Mark initially denied the relationship, causing Peter to theorize that Angelina had "made up" this whole story about a boyfriend just to infuriate Peter.
Peter also signed up to Angelina's favorite internet message board for the sole purpose of tracking her communications, as Peter had absolutely zero interest in the topic of the message board. Which leads PLFM to speculate that perhaps the topic of the message board was "How To Move On From a Failed Relationship in a Mature Manner."
Then came a flurry of Jekyll and Hyde emails, choking her inbox with an assortment of angry emails intertwined with bizarre pleas to help him "move forward":
Why can you not be nice?
I know that you are not over me or you could be civil and nice if you were.
I am not stalking you by wishing you a great day and letting you know that I miss you. I hope that you will let go of the hate that you have inside and realize that you still have feelings for me.
I am not asking you to act on those feelings just be nice to me. I know that it will take time for you stop hating me and then hopefully we can move forward.
I know that you know that we had a great relationship together for three years and shared everything. If you do try and date you will realize like I did that what we had is really hard to find.
Please be nice and treat me like a person that you use to love. Look inside your heart and you know what is there. I do still love you and miss you and am trying to move on like you said but it is really hard.
I am sorry if I am bothering you but I need to say these things.
Have a good day.
Angelina completely ignored Peter's communications, which apparently threw in reverse Peter's aforementioned plans to "move forward."
Rather, Peter decided to "move backward" by threatening to drive down to Williamsburg to place a GPS tracking device on her vehicle so he could track her movements around that god-awful shithole of Williamsburg, which, if you haven't heard, really sucks balls.
When these idle threats failed to provoke a response, Peter changed tactics by sending a huge bouquet of flowers to Angelina at her place of employment.
Rather than drop to her knees in a fit of unbridled lust, Angelina just stuck to the game plan. She ignored him.
Peter then decided it was time to pull out the big motherfuckin' guns.
Go ahead and shoot your blanks, Peter.
I was not going to do this but now I am not sure.
I copied all your posts from the message board and wouldn't you know it they were almost all posted while you were at work.
I wonder if I start sending all 44 post that were done on company time to the president of your company and work my way down thru all the executives if they would be interested on just how hard of a worker you really are.
You seem to think that tearing my heart out by moving away and then trying to rub my nose in this fake boyfriend which is stabbing my heart is a lot of fun. All I wanted was to be friendly to each other and that seems to be out of the question.
I wonder if your ex-husband would be interested in knowing that his tax exempt was used for a few years after you guys were divorced.
I did not want it to come to this so I better start getting a little respect from you.
I thought that after how wonderful our relationship was "you said it on a daily basis" that you would not find another man that could make you as happy as I did.
Just food for thought......
Peter, your food for thought lacks presentation and smells like a load of shit.
But Peter finally achieved his goal.
She responded by issuing Peter a final warning: If you contact me one more fucking time, I'm going directly to the local authorities to file harassment charges against you, and you can expect a restraining order to slap you across the face like a cold, dead sea bass.
And of course in true PLFM fashion, guess what happened.
Peter wrote her back with some helpful advice:
Would you like me to give you their phone numbers?
There has been no threats against you physically. You really need to brush up on you local laws.
I will be sending out those copied posts from the message board to the head honchos.
Hopefully you will get fired but do not worry their is a lot of opportunity down there.
Maybe then you will feel like I have for the last 4 months. The broken heart pain and cannot sleep because somebody ruined you life.
Thanks, next week will be fun for you...........
As promised, Angelina proceeded to lug an immense stack of emails down to the Williamsburg courthouse, where she found a large group of individuals who were surprisingly familiar with their local laws.
Particularly the harassment laws, which Peter might to brush up on.
They gleefully slapped a restraining order on Peter's ass, ensuring he no longer had reason to visit the town for which he had such a distaste.
If Angelina sends me any updates, I'll be sure to let you guys know.
That's it for this week guys, I'm outta here. Post anything you want in the comments this weekend, I read everything you guys write.
Have a great weekend everyone.