PLFM Presents: How Not to Respond to a Personal Ad

Several PLFM readers recently alerted us to an online dating profile response posted up at passiveaggressivenotes.com.

An anonymous submitter to PANotes apparently received the following emails in regards to a personal ad she had placed on Match.com:

From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX
Date received: January 30, 2009
Subject: you couldn't even say hi to me?

hey,

I don't know if you know but there is this link in match.com where I can see who browsed my profile. Looks like you checked out my profile but you did not send me an email. I am shocked! You couldn't even say hi to me?

Hmmm.

Kinda strange.

A little awkward.

But when the next unsolicited email arrives, well, it just kind of gets uncomfortable.

From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX
Date received: February 3, 2009
Subject: Re: you couldn't even say hi to me?

I sent you an email earlier, but you did not reply! So are you playing hard to get already? Here is a free tip for you: You should play hard to get after we meet, not before we meet.

Now, am I the only one that smells a somewhat tainted casserole of harrowing desperation and acute neediness here?

I think not, and PLFM quickly realized the opportunity to one up passiveaggressivenotes.com in this particular subject area.

Because, seriously folks, this shit is our bread and butter.

We've received stacks of bizarre and borderline psychotic first responses to dating profiles here at PLFM, and today we're going to share some of these juicy steaks of desperation.

First up, PLFM recently received a letter from Katie, who was having a hard time keeping up with all the responses she was receiving on a popular dating site.

One assclam in particular kept sending Katie creepy messages. She checked out his profile, and found him not only unattractive, but completely devoid of any similar interests.

She ignored his ensuing messages, choosing rather to focus on the respondents she found attractive and interesting.

Undeterred by her lack of interest, the creepy assclam then sent Katie this gem of an email.

Take it away, moron.

R U FAKE?

I think you are fake, so Fuck You Guy running this profile, Or girl hired to
pose to get more traffic and interest in this site, Fuck you no backbone dirt bag.

If you're genuine and just ignoring me, sorry about that...

I am new to this online dating, but I am a quick study. And what I've realized is most of the hottest girls on here have a personality profile only a guy could dream of, and better quality pics too.

What else have I realized?...most of the girls on here that are real are girls that guys kinda don't really want to date, that's why they are on here. (yeah I know, why am I on here...um, circumstance I guess, not a lot of opportunities to meet people right now not having a job other than working for my dad part time)

If you are real and have been ignoring me just because you don't like me or my looks, then you probably think that I think you're fake because If you're real it would hurt my ego. You're not correct if that's what you think... I'm just as in demand as you are.

If you are not a phony then what I think is that I am a bit upset and saddend that you won't even message me for a chat, nothing at all expected, at all, just a chat. But, since I now strongly suspect you are fake, then if you message me you could just be some dude or a girl hired by okcupid. I don't know how I could solve this problem.

If okcupid is hiring girls to pose, i'd love to take them down over it. I'm not sure how. By the way, if u r real, you know, there actually are plenty of fake profiles of girls, with out a doubt. So, I'm not crazy for thinking you are a phony.

In conclusion...drum roll...

If you are fake:

FUCK YOU ASS HOLE FAKE PHONY FOR SETTING UP THIS PROFILE, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME LOSER, IF YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT PEOPLE. GO OUTSIDE AND SAY HELLO, THEY DON'T BITE, FUCKER. DO NOT MESSAGE ME IF YOU ARE FAKE!! (unless to apologize and say u r deleting the account)

or

If you are real:

Hey, tottaly ignore that F U stuff, it's not intended for you. I hope you find success. I hope you don't dwell on how your differences. I hope you learn and grow in life. And message me if you want.

Peace out"

Why is the 1981 Styx song "Too Much Time On My Hands" suddenly blaring through the speakers in my brain?

Damn you, Styx. Damn you all to hell.

Katie needlessly adds: "I did not write him back."

Now, if that particular letter is a case study in how not to respond to a personal ad, the following guy wrote the goddamn book.

Olivia recently posted a personal ad on another popular dating site, and says she was receiving upwards of 10 responses a day. One particular gentleman found Olivia quite to his liking, and contacted Olivia with this nauseating opener:

Email #1

Hey there cutie! You need to check out my profile I think you will like what you see. Take a look at my pics and write me back with any questions you have about me. I'm sure you will have plenty :) look forward to meeting you soon. Eric

Out of morbid curiosity, Olivia checked out his profile and found the exact kind of pictures one might expect from a jackass who would author such an asinine email: One profile view of himself wearing cheap sunglasses and kissing his tattooed bicep, followed by a cellphone photo of himself standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror draped in a small hotel towel.

Oh, sorry, a small towel and his sunglasses.

Olivia writes "Not only did his ridiculous email turn me off, but he was 37 years old and wearing cheap sunglasses in a brightly lit bathroom? Please!"

Please indeed.

Olivia ignored the ignoramous, which, of course, sparked Eric to write again.

Email #2

I saw you checked out my profile :) What did you think? I'm awaiting your reply. I have many girls contacting me so you better hurry up :) Seriously, I would like to talk with you! Eric

Olivia ignored him again.

Done? Nope.

Email #3

Not to be rude, but when someone shows interest in you on here you should at least be polite and make a commentary on my profile. I can have my pick of all the women on here but I am only interested in you. Please show me you are not one of the stuck up bithes on here!

I expect a response from you by this weekend or i am going to talk to other women on here. You have your opportunity now and you should take it. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Eric

Olivia caught this last message on her way out of town, and didn't have an opportunity to check back onto her dating profile for three days.

When she logged back on, she found the following emails:

Email #4

Looks like your just another stuck up bitch on here like all the rest. If you think you are too good for me well let me tell you something litle girl. I have dated many girls better looking then you I just liked your profile and thougt we were a good match. I used to date XXXXXX XXXXXXX who has been in Playboy and in many other magazines.

I guess you lose out this time and I advise you to not pass up good oportunties in life when they are offered to you. Goodbye and good luck to you. Eric.

Email #5 (15 minutes later)

Also let me tell you some of the things about me that I don't put in my XXXXXXXX profile. I have two $80000 Porshe 911 and made over 5 milion dollars last year. I own real estate company you have probably heard of it but why should I tell you know?

Plus I have a 9 inch d**ck.

Yes, folks, because most Porsche owners have no idea how to spell the name of their prized vehicles.

And as far as I know, men with 9-inch penises aren't legally permitted to own a Porsche anyway. If you enjoy a man with a 9-inch penis, take a peek inside the next Ford Tempo to cross your path.

Email #6 (30 minutes later)

If you change your mind Ill maybe give you another chance. I rarly do this so you have three days to respond. Eric

Email #7 (Next day)

Please disregard the note I sent you last night. I had a fight with my ex and I was a drunk and I apologize to what I might have said. Please do not report me to XXXXXXXXX. I would aprecaite your kindness and understanding on this matter and I will not contact you again. Good luck to you. Eric.

Olivia blocked Eric immediately, and sent his lovely repertoire of delicious emails to the online dating service provider.

They were not amused.

"As far as I know, he was kicked off the site because his profile no longer exists," writes Olivia.

Lastly, Cherie writes in with a personal ad response she recently found in her inbox.

Now, we can't exactly classify this response as psychotic, but we're going to file it under "Just a Little Bit Too Much Information."

You almost just want to pick this little feller up and kiss him on his butt.

Or, perhaps, just vomit violently.

You be the judge.

The floor is yours, Mr. Pontificating Spiritual Romantic ...

Dear XXXXXXX,

Im so tired of waiting for love to knock on my door. I want true love in my life, someone taht i can talk to all night about anytthing. someone that if i was a party and there was like 100,000 people there but only one i really do she is my love.

I have thought i did find my love but she didn't loved me back. I was enaged and soo happy but after she found out she was preg, it alll went down from there. I have tired and tried to work it out but it really over. I could never love her again. she broke my heART and did me wrong so bad. all i ever wanted is to be there for my baby when it gets here but she blows me off like im nothing,, so im going to be the best father to our child.

I know this really sounds cheesey but I want the notebook love, the sleepless in seattle love, the lake house love. I knoe i might never find taht kind of love but it would be nice if i did.

Well ill tell you a little about myself, im 21 and im common guy livin a common life, i have 3 dogs, 2 cats and 2 chinchillas. I love to sit under the stars next to a campfire, loove to cuddle when its cold, taking bubble baths. I like taking walks under the moo light, I like to find someone taht just want to find the same things as me.

I am a family man and i would go through thick and thin for the people i love. I love my parents till death, but at the same time i live my own life.Parents will always be parents, they will always sheild you from dangerous paths.I believe the way to live, to be a adult, is step out from the sheild, and face the terror in your life. TO all parents, let go!!! and let your child to become there own person.Your not letting go of your parents but gaining knowledge.

Parnts are you roots but in time you in to grow and make your own leaves.

Cherie's response?

"I don't even like The Notebook."

Nor do we Cherie, nor do we.

So concludes our first peek into the bizarre personal ad responses received and sent in by PLFM readers.

If you guys enjoyed this series of ridiculous missives, please let PLFM know in the comments. If we get enough positive feedback, we'll make "How Not to Respond to a Personal Ad" a regular feature here on PLFM. And believe me, we get plenty of material.

Also, please feel free to post any outlandish or psychotic responses you've received from your own personal ads.

Or better yet, the worst date you've had so far from a dating site.

I love that shit.