Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A Love Story? PLFM Doesn't Think So
Ladies and gentleman, allow me to completely waste 8 minutes of your life.
If only you can stomach what I'm about to show you.
Either you will think this is cute, or, more likely, your vagina will dehydrate to the consistency of astronaut food.
You see, Ben Ryan used to have a girlfriend.
Two fucking years ago.
Ben's girlfriend left him for reasons "he can't understand," which means she essentially abandoned him.
Now, if Ben can't understand why she left him, then that means he likely didn't cheat on her, because unless he was a total idiot, then he would understand why she left him.
So let's rule that out.
So now, why would a woman just abandon her boyfriend if he wasn't cheating on her?
Well, he either:
a. was a complete fucking assclam.
b. was a needy little boy.
c. was unemployed.
Ben spent the past two years pursuing this ex-girlfriend.
She has not responded to any of his attempts at reconciliation, nor has she sought him out.
So Ben put together a little video to win her back.
Actually, it's not a little video, it's a long video, towards the end of which I had to extract my head from a hastily constructed noose hung from my chandelier.
We'll let Ben explain his video, entitled "Love Story":
Genuine real life love story of one man’s journey through time as he gives his all for one chance at a dream. Entirely filmed, produced, and directed by the man you see and him alone over the course of nine months.
I believe the person I made this video for is living somewhere with her family and I truly hope they are all happy and doing well. I made this video to present on youtube because it was the only way I felt I could reach out to her to let her know how I still feel.
Everyone should fully respect her privacy and wishes because I don’t know how she views me now after all this time. We were together for two years and I don’t know why for certain she was gone. I sincerely only want her to be happy even if that means me being out of her life. She is an awesome person who deserves the very best and I just hope she is able to see this.
Now here's the video that took him nine months to produce.
If you have any tortilla chips, please prepare them now, because this video is fucking dripping with cheese.
Now, I understand the end where he says "You must always tell people you love them blah, blah, blah" ... and I totally agree.
But is an exhibition of one's four-wheeling skills set amidst various semi-nude feats of strength really how a man thinks he can win a woman back? Is that what women miss? Is it a man's well-seasoned ability to bunny-hop through tires and transport rocks? Do they miss bun-splitting slacks and weight-lifting leotards?
Well, he's well built, but he was that way when they were dating, and she still left him. It certainly won't make her come back.
And it didn't.
At the end of the video, you may have missed the pop-up, so here it is again:
"Loren has seen this though I haven't heard from her. So I truly hope she is happy and living her dreams."
Loren would completely expect something like this from Ben, whom she has been actively avoiding for two years.
And this video is exactly why.
He's a cheesy, arrogant and dickless buffoon completely unreceptive to the real-life needs of a woman, and this video couldn't be any more symbolic of why she left him in the first place.
If he still can't understand why she left him two years ago, he either hasn't thought about it much, or more likely, doesn't think there is anything wrong with him that finely tuned set of deltoids can't cure.
It's been two years, Ben. Get over it and move on.
She knows you love her, and apparently doesn't care enough to respond.
Life isn't like "Say Anything," where if you just harass a girl enough, she'll eventually come back to you because it's cute that you care enough to stalk her. If we learn anything on PLFM, we learn that stalking isn't "cute" or "charming" in any way.
Women leave men for a reason, and that reason doesn't go away with an elegantly prepared song-and-dance number.
Sure, I might be making assumptions here, but I guarantee you I'm right.
Please agree or disagree in the comments.
In the off chance anyone out there knows or can contact Loren, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'd love to see if she would share her side of the story.