Monday, May 11, 2009

"Love Story" Update

I received 93 emails over the weekend regarding our Ben Ryan video posted down below.

Many people claimed to know both parties involved, and I had some difficulty in ascertaining who exactly was telling the truth and who wasn't. I very quickly realized I had become embroiled in a situation I wanted absolutely no part of.

I will keep my sources confidential, but I can tell you with utmost confidence that Loren will never offer any sort of reply to Ben's video, and rightfully so. You do the simple math and figure out what that means.

I was then contacted by "Sanchez", a regular poster on the message boards. Sanchez had produced a video mocking Ben's video tribute to his ex-girlfriend, and once Ben discovered the Sanchez version, Ben went absolutely fucking ballistic.

What followed was a series of completely unintelligible and insane threats and rantings from Ben directed at Sanchez. Ben accuses his critics of being "terrorists" and "Arabs" using "bio-warfare" to kill people, amongst hundreds of other ludicrous suggestions usually reserved for paranoid schizophrenics.

He has "armies of lawyers" immediately boarding planes "to take care of" all his critics, who will burn in hell for mocking Ben.

Ben also has the backing of the CIA and the FBI, just in case you were wondering.

As I told Sanchez in one of my emails, I caution the clueless little ninnies on YouTube who think this video is "cute", because they have no idea who they are dealing with.

I hope they take a moment to remember how "cute" they thought that video was when he is stabbing a screwdriver into your cat's anus because he didn't like the fucking surface temperature of his pineapple slices.

I'd sincerely like to thank Sanchez on for his valuable input, and if you'd like to follow his dealings with Ben, you can start right here.

You'll find over 47 pages of commentary on Ben, along with his bizarre, constant, and very mentally disturbing emails.

Be very careful, Loren.

I feel for you.



  1. yo. ive been reading you for six month first comment. i sort of skiped the video when you first posted it because reading your post about it was enough... at first. ive now wasted two hours of my life and only presume ill be wasting around 12-ish more. thanks for the distraction. this guy is a motherfuckin nightmare!

  2. In Ben's defense, he was justified in assuming that Sanchez was a "towel head". And here I was thinking he was Manuel Calavera!

    Thanks for setting me straight, Ben... as Captain America would.

  3. Wow. I thought the Ben video was hilarious... funny in a douchie sort of "I can't get over mysself so how could you get over me?" sort of way.

    Now I am just creeped out. I hope Loren lives in a "shall issue" concealed carry state and has taken advantage of said right, because this guy is not all there.

  4. Wow. Reading Ben's side of the email conversation through that cracked link is... terrifying. I'm glad I never commented on his douchey video. Damn. 0_o RUN LOREN. RUN AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN GET FROM HIM.

  5. Whoa FUCK. I had him pegged as a "Harmless, Eternally-Longing Passive Narcissistic Douchebag" (which would be more than enough reason for any but the most starry-eyed girl to drop him). But just scratch the surface and look what's inside!

  6. From here:

    "Also! ( He was in the competitor range of around 18 and up. So he was going against some experienced actors who were anywhere from 30 to 55.)
    The guy before him was I think around 40 years old and he did a great monologue as one of the U.S. Presidents but I was watching Steve Ryan because he just looked SOOOO intense. He was dressed in a nice grayish silver suit like a FBI agent would wear or something and he just looked like a professional athlete or somebody built incredible the way the suit was tapered for his little waist and his big shoulders really filled it out. He never seemed like some freak bodybuilder to me at all, (I’ll get to that later) because he was just really built super strong but not too big at least for my taste.
    So people were getting anxious around him in the line by the stage because he just looked deadly serious and would talk to nobody. Others were whispering or carrying on a little you know in between competitors. Finally after I waited for an hour Steve Ryan Rogers took the stage. There is one chair on the stage too as a prop and you can do whatever you want with it. His monologue was about him being a police officer who was being told he was being pulled off the case of the murder of his wife by his commanding policeman or whoever. He went through a gauntlet of emotions on the stage and started out reminiscing about how much he loved his wife and how he would always come home and see her laying on the couch looking up at him saying “come here baby” with her arms out ( and his eyes started tearing up real bad and his voice was shaking when he emulated what his wife would do putting his arms out and smiling).
    Then he turned towards his commander ( this is a one man performance so actors pretend you know like in a play sometimes.) and I swear I got chills down my spine because I think everyone felt like he was looking at them and he started saying slow and deep about how his wife was raped murdered and mutilated and I was just tearing up myself bad because he was starting to cry but he was getting angrier by the second. I mean he looked like an animal in kill rage. Wolverine would have ran away if he saw him that moment! Seriously! And then Steve Rogers (I remember this line vividly.) picked up the chair with his hand like it was a twig and flung it off the stage and lunged forward and he said, “I’m not gonna let this go. I’m not gonna let you or anyone else tell me what to do or get in my way.”
    Tears started running down his face and I heard a couple people gasp and it startled the heck outta me and then he said shaking and quivering like he was ready to obliterate everyone, “I’m gonna bring the fury of hell onto the man who killed my wife! I’m gonna get justice!!!!!” and the last sentence just shook the room because he has a very very deep commanding voice.
    OHOHHh….I’m like ashaking right now because ooww everyone was just dead silent. And then he walked off the stage and people were just stunned and usually the next competitor gets up there you know to do his thing but nobody moved. And he stayed in character all the way around the room with his eyes locked on his commander as if he was daring him to say something or get in his way. Finally he sat down to watch the other competitors and he just had this wild look on his face like he was that police officer. He was still in character! And it was funny because the announcer was really quiet and he finally said softly kind of hesitantly, “next.” as the next competitor slowly walked up to the stage. I watched as one of the competitors sitting beside him who was an older man probably 50 kind of punched him in the shoulder and grabbed him and I heard him say, “That was incredible. Incredible!”
    Steve Ryan then snapped out of his character and smiled and hugged the guy and said thanks. He sat there and watched all the other competitors and when it was all done he was very gracious to them and congratulated every single one of them and told them “good job” or something nice that walked by him on the way out and I think they were shocked that he was so nice as a person. I was really intimidated to say the least but I managed to make my way over and congratulate him. I told him that his performance really moved me and that I thought he should win even though he took a risk and went against the rules. He was very nice but I could tell for some reason with girls he was very kind but I got the idea he had a girlfriend. He seemed kind of like a “playboy” or I don’t know how to put it…..(like Commander Riker on Star Trek is the best way I can put it) the way he was so charismatic with the way he talked to me and other people but when I would try to slide a hint in that I was interested he would slam the door in my face by changing the subject strongly. Each night most everyone at the competition and I would all go out partying and seeing the town and we kept looking for him and a few people told us that he never left his room except to compete and get something to eat at the subway because he was rehearsing so hard for his acting contests. I was bummed cause I was hoping to run into him outside of the hotel."

    "To sum up his personality (to kill these crazy CGI rumors) imagine John Travolta mixed with a Tony Danza type with some original American persona that is just genuinely him. Oh and I remembered a person collapsed upstairs in this huge lobby and I saw him running like a bat out of hell 10 flights down just to get her an orange juice. She was hypoglycemic I think or something?? Anyway some people told me about it and I thought I should share that."

  7. Sebastian, you forgot to mention the two kittens that he saved from drowningin th creek, or how he stopped a bad guy from mugging an elderly widow simply by using his heat vision to make the bad guy's gun too hot to handle.


  8. Umm...anyone else notice that big pink elephant in the comments up there?



    "Faster than the speed of douche!"

    You are a brave man for delving deeper into this wacky saga for our enjoyment, Weas.

  9. Pink elephant? That, sir, is a direct quote from Ben Ryan Metzger's PR firm (himself).

    This is how he sees himself and how he describes himself to complete strangers. Follow the link for context.

  10. I can't get to the link (damned Barracuda filter here at work!), but maybe I don't really want to.

    Sounds like Ben's cheese has done slid off his crackers in a BIG way, and I'm glad Loren got away from him alive.

  11. DAMN!

    My faith in the unredeemable awfulness of a lot of people... RESTORED!

    Wow. I guess that just proves that there's a very fine line between cheesy viral video joke and... total insanity.

  12. LOL, the best thing is that if you read previous posts on the boards about him, you find out that what this "award winning actor" won at that acting competition was "best head shot" (this was linked somewhere in the 45 pages of mockery of this guy). Absolutely nothing to do with the actual ACTING. I love (read: am terrified and bemused) by the way he keeps becoming more and more LEGENDARY with every fake post made about him.

  13. Ah, here: "So on the big awards night which is really cool, I stayed long enough to see him win awards for the best headshot (picture) and he won top five in both modeling competitions he entered."

    Same link as above.

  14. well, atleast his energy and focus is on the fight against crime (aka the mocking of him) on line so hopefully Loooooren!! (insert echo effect here)has found peace.

    what a dillusional peice of work, is this asstard.

  15. This turd-whacker creeps me out more than any of the others I've read about on this site. He looks like the poster boy for the Aryan Nation, and we all know how well-balanced THEY are. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find out he's been murdering women who looked like Loren for the past several years and carrying their body parts around in his backpack. *shudder*



  17. Jeeez. Poor Loren.

    More posts! More posts! :D

  18. He did strike me as a scary, abusive asshole. Poor Loren. I wish we could hear the whole story, even secondhand, but I suppose I understand..

  19. I skipped the video the first time, but after the second post, I had to watch it. Then I had to go over to and read all 47 pages of their thread AND watch their videos. Then of course I had to blog about it, at In any event, now I've had the techno version of "The Ballad of Douche Quadbike" stuck in my head for days. Thanks for the laughs, Weasel, Sanchez, Drizzt et al... and I hope Loren moved to another time zone.

  20. Ahahahaha, yet another to look at.

  21. Oh, my! The only problem I have after following your link to Cracked is a propensity to burst into song--"But I'm not gay anymore!", done to Drzzzt's rousing techno-pop beat. I hope Loren stays far, far, farther than that, away.

  22. The sheer, absolute effort and scale of this guy and his spamming sockpuppets is the most god-awful amazing thing I've ever seen in all my years on the internets. I take back my previous comments about him seeming sweet or cute.

    Ben Ryan is his own spam army, registering fake accounts and spamming EVERY SINGLE FORUM KNOWN TO INTERNET with his "amazing video":

    He's also all over IMDB with his sock puppets, tooting his own horn while pretending to be his own adoring fan(s).

    On this forum thread, he has not one, not two, but FOUR sock puppet accounts pretending to simultaneously discover this AMAZING "Ben Ryan" award-winning-actor/GREATEST LIVING AMERICAN... You have to read it to believe it... FOUR dummy accounts, including one "girl", all with nearly 100 posts, worshiping him and commenting and replying to each other to drum up support for him. I'm not exaggerating, he uses his sockpuppets to call himself "the Greatest Living American" and declaring they will have posters printed of this amazing genius to put up on their bedroom walls:

    He also has multiple sock puppet Youtube videos, with "fan videos" made for himself, trying to drum up fake viral support to have himself cast as the new Captain America. What Weasel didn't mention was the barrage of abuse and threats and attacks on Youtube happened through multiple sock puppet accounts. Here's a classic where he has a fake account make a fake fan video that has Barack Obama name BEN RYAN as the new Captain America:

    There are probably a dozen fan videos and half a dozen sock puppets for this guy on Youtube alone, not to mention the hundreds of forums that he's spammed and the half dozen "main" forums like IMDB and that he has multiple, active sockpuppet accounts for. The amount of effort and energy this guy has put into this endeavor is truly breathtaking to behold...

  23. Again, another forum where not only did he spam his video, he has MULTIPLE fake, active accounts pretending to be his own rabid fans:


  24. It can't all be just him, surely. Low-rent, crooked PR firm, perhaps?

  25. Maybe not. Some people don't sleep very much at all, and are positively incessant about whatever is driving them at the moment.

    It is likely part of the chemical imbalance that makes them so very out of touch with reality.

    Does it seem like this guy is able to pay anyone to spam message boards?

  26. Oh, I forgot. Automated tools. From the Cracked thread, this is Sanchez himself:

    "Edit: his spam crew has accidentally responded to my video with yet more advertising for this chap's biceps, which I gleefully approved."

  27. "sebastiancreed said: It cant be all him, surely... Low-rent crooked PR firm perhaps?"

    yeah... thats EXACTLY what it elephant



    Pink elephant yourself. Can we have a modicum of rational thought instead of just assuming the guy's an 18-hour-a-day crystal meth freak with nineteen different personalities? If you think my PR firm theory is as far-fetched as that then by all means explain how. Otherwise, ride your freaking pink elephant up your arse.

  29. uh oh.... here we go again

  30. It would have to be a really, really, really shitty PR firm if that were the case. A PR firm wouldn't expend this kind of effort for such an obviously futile cause (to drum up viral support for a no-name hick with no acting experience so the folks at Marvel's studio will offer him the title role in a major blockbuster that has half a dozen A-list stars in the running for)

    If you go to any of the sockpuppet-active forums, you'll see the sockpuppets acting so transparently fake you might suspect they were actually mocking him... "Big Ben is my hero! He's the greatest living American!" while the rest of the regular forum members mock them for 27 pages. Maybe, just maybe he has a handful of his friends do it for him, but I don't know what kind of friend would engage in this much effort.

  31. PR firms dont work for free- or for no talent ass clowns parading themselves as a "miracle".

  32. Maybe not, but I bet you'd find a company in rural Ohio willing to spam websites for, say, the deeds to a family homestead.

  33. are you giving us instructions creed?

  34. OMG, the Cracked forum was amazing!

    One great quote:
    Quote from: Chab Gassie on May 13, 2009, 03:11 AM
    I don't understand why you made this video when you had the option of not making it.

    Truer words were never spoken, as Captain America would...

  35. Let's all ignore him and maybe he will go away.

  36. "Douche Quadbike."

    "Thrust Chestpound."

    I wasn't the only one thinking along those lines, I see.

  37. Here we are four years on...

    Just remembered the nitwit (one of his sock puppets on IMDb was Ancient Chinese Douchebag), and I've been looking around at a couple of things this afternoon.

    Apparently Big Ben is still around, still has a website and a new video... and still as much of a douche as ever.