Thursday, June 18, 2009

PLFM Presents: How Not to Respond to a Personal Ad

Several PLFM readers recently alerted us to an online dating profile response posted up at passiveaggressivenotes.com.

An anonymous submitter to PANotes apparently received the following emails in regards to a personal ad she had placed on Match.com:

From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX
Date received: January 30, 2009
Subject: you couldn't even say hi to me?

hey,

I don't know if you know but there is this link in match.com where I can see who browsed my profile. Looks like you checked out my profile but you did not send me an email. I am shocked! You couldn't even say hi to me?

Hmmm.

Kinda strange.

A little awkward.

But when the next unsolicited email arrives, well, it just kind of gets uncomfortable.

From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX
Date received: February 3, 2009
Subject: Re: you couldn't even say hi to me?

I sent you an email earlier, but you did not reply! So are you playing hard to get already? Here is a free tip for you: You should play hard to get after we meet, not before we meet.


Now, am I the only one that smells a somewhat tainted casserole of harrowing desperation and acute neediness here?

I think not, and PLFM quickly realized the opportunity to one up passiveaggressivenotes.com in this particular subject area.

Because, seriously folks, this shit is our bread and butter.

We've received stacks of bizarre and borderline psychotic first responses to dating profiles here at PLFM, and today we're going to share some of these juicy steaks of desperation.

First up, PLFM recently received a letter from Katie, who was having a hard time keeping up with all the responses she was receiving on a popular dating site.

One assclam in particular kept sending Katie creepy messages. She checked out his profile, and found him not only unattractive, but completely devoid of any similar interests.

She ignored his ensuing messages, choosing rather to focus on the respondents she found attractive and interesting.

Undeterred by her lack of interest, the creepy assclam then sent Katie this gem of an email.

Take it away, moron.

R U FAKE?

I think you are fake, so Fuck You Guy running this profile, Or girl hired to
pose to get more traffic and interest in this site, Fuck you no backbone dirt bag.

If you're genuine and just ignoring me, sorry about that...

I am new to this online dating, but I am a quick study. And what I've realized is most of the hottest girls on here have a personality profile only a guy could dream of, and better quality pics too.

What else have I realized?...most of the girls on here that are real are girls that guys kinda don't really want to date, that's why they are on here. (yeah I know, why am I on here...um, circumstance I guess, not a lot of opportunities to meet people right now not having a job other than working for my dad part time)

If you are real and have been ignoring me just because you don't like me or my looks, then you probably think that I think you're fake because If you're real it would hurt my ego. You're not correct if that's what you think... I'm just as in demand as you are.

If you are not a phony then what I think is that I am a bit upset and saddend that you won't even message me for a chat, nothing at all expected, at all, just a chat. But, since I now strongly suspect you are fake, then if you message me you could just be some dude or a girl hired by okcupid. I don't know how I could solve this problem.

If okcupid is hiring girls to pose, i'd love to take them down over it. I'm not sure how. By the way, if u r real, you know, there actually are plenty of fake profiles of girls, with out a doubt. So, I'm not crazy for thinking you are a phony.

In conclusion...drum roll...

If you are fake:

FUCK YOU ASS HOLE FAKE PHONY FOR SETTING UP THIS PROFILE, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME LOSER, IF YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT PEOPLE. GO OUTSIDE AND SAY HELLO, THEY DON'T BITE, FUCKER. DO NOT MESSAGE ME IF YOU ARE FAKE!! (unless to apologize and say u r deleting the account)

or

If you are real:

Hey, tottaly ignore that F U stuff, it's not intended for you. I hope you find success. I hope you don't dwell on how your differences. I hope you learn and grow in life. And message me if you want.

Peace out"


Why is the 1981 Styx song "Too Much Time On My Hands" suddenly blaring through the speakers in my brain?

Damn you, Styx. Damn you all to hell.

Katie needlessly adds: "I did not write him back."

Now, if that particular letter is a case study in how not to respond to a personal ad, the following guy wrote the goddamn book.

Olivia recently posted a personal ad on another popular dating site, and says she was receiving upwards of 10 responses a day. One particular gentleman found Olivia quite to his liking, and contacted Olivia with this nauseating opener:

Email #1

Hey there cutie! You need to check out my profile I think you will like what you see. Take a look at my pics and write me back with any questions you have about me. I'm sure you will have plenty :) look forward to meeting you soon. Eric

Out of morbid curiosity, Olivia checked out his profile and found the exact kind of pictures one might expect from a jackass who would author such an asinine email: One profile view of himself wearing cheap sunglasses and kissing his tattooed bicep, followed by a cellphone photo of himself standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror draped in a small hotel towel.

Oh, sorry, a small towel and his sunglasses.

Olivia writes "Not only did his ridiculous email turn me off, but he was 37 years old and wearing cheap sunglasses in a brightly lit bathroom? Please!"

Please indeed.

Olivia ignored the ignoramous, which, of course, sparked Eric to write again.

Email #2

I saw you checked out my profile :) What did you think? I'm awaiting your reply. I have many girls contacting me so you better hurry up :) Seriously, I would like to talk with you! Eric

Olivia ignored him again.

Done? Nope.

Email #3

Not to be rude, but when someone shows interest in you on here you should at least be polite and make a commentary on my profile. I can have my pick of all the women on here but I am only interested in you. Please show me you are not one of the stuck up bithes on here!

I expect a response from you by this weekend or i am going to talk to other women on here. You have your opportunity now and you should take it. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Eric


Olivia caught this last message on her way out of town, and didn't have an opportunity to check back onto her dating profile for three days.

When she logged back on, she found the following emails:

Email #4

Looks like your just another stuck up bitch on here like all the rest. If you think you are too good for me well let me tell you something litle girl. I have dated many girls better looking then you I just liked your profile and thougt we were a good match. I used to date XXXXXX XXXXXXX who has been in Playboy and in many other magazines.

I guess you lose out this time and I advise you to not pass up good oportunties in life when they are offered to you. Goodbye and good luck to you. Eric.

Email #5 (15 minutes later)

Also let me tell you some of the things about me that I don't put in my XXXXXXXX profile. I have two $80000 Porshe 911 and made over 5 milion dollars last year. I own real estate company you have probably heard of it but why should I tell you know?

Plus I have a 9 inch d**ck.

Yes, folks, because most Porsche owners have no idea how to spell the name of their prized vehicles.

And as far as I know, men with 9-inch penises aren't legally permitted to own a Porsche anyway. If you enjoy a man with a 9-inch penis, take a peek inside the next Ford Tempo to cross your path.

Email #6 (30 minutes later)

If you change your mind Ill maybe give you another chance. I rarly do this so you have three days to respond. Eric

Email #7 (Next day)

Please disregard the note I sent you last night. I had a fight with my ex and I was a drunk and I apologize to what I might have said. Please do not report me to XXXXXXXXX. I would aprecaite your kindness and understanding on this matter and I will not contact you again. Good luck to you. Eric.

Olivia blocked Eric immediately, and sent his lovely repertoire of delicious emails to the online dating service provider.

They were not amused.

"As far as I know, he was kicked off the site because his profile no longer exists," writes Olivia.

Lastly, Cherie writes in with a personal ad response she recently found in her inbox.

Now, we can't exactly classify this response as psychotic, but we're going to file it under "Just a Little Bit Too Much Information."

You almost just want to pick this little feller up and kiss him on his butt.

Or, perhaps, just vomit violently.

You be the judge.

The floor is yours, Mr. Pontificating Spiritual Romantic ...

Dear XXXXXXX,

Im so tired of waiting for love to knock on my door. I want true love in my life, someone taht i can talk to all night about anytthing. someone that if i was a party and there was like 100,000 people there but only one i really do she is my love.

I have thought i did find my love but she didn't loved me back. I was enaged and soo happy but after she found out she was preg, it alll went down from there. I have tired and tried to work it out but it really over. I could never love her again. she broke my heART and did me wrong so bad. all i ever wanted is to be there for my baby when it gets here but she blows me off like im nothing,, so im going to be the best father to our child.

I know this really sounds cheesey but I want the notebook love, the sleepless in seattle love, the lake house love. I knoe i might never find taht kind of love but it would be nice if i did.

Well ill tell you a little about myself, im 21 and im common guy livin a common life, i have 3 dogs, 2 cats and 2 chinchillas. I love to sit under the stars next to a campfire, loove to cuddle when its cold, taking bubble baths. I like taking walks under the moo light, I like to find someone taht just want to find the same things as me.

I am a family man and i would go through thick and thin for the people i love. I love my parents till death, but at the same time i live my own life.Parents will always be parents, they will always sheild you from dangerous paths.I believe the way to live, to be a adult, is step out from the sheild, and face the terror in your life. TO all parents, let go!!! and let your child to become there own person.Your not letting go of your parents but gaining knowledge.

Parnts are you roots but in time you in to grow and make your own leaves.

Cherie's response?

"I don't even like The Notebook."

Nor do we Cherie, nor do we.

So concludes our first peek into the bizarre personal ad responses received and sent in by PLFM readers.

If you guys enjoyed this series of ridiculous missives, please let PLFM know in the comments. If we get enough positive feedback, we'll make "How Not to Respond to a Personal Ad" a regular feature here on PLFM. And believe me, we get plenty of material.

Also, please feel free to post any outlandish or psychotic responses you've received from your own personal ads.

Or better yet, the worst date you've had so far from a dating site.

I love that shit.

127 comments:

  1. So you're 21 and managed to knock up your girlfriend, yet she prefers to be a single mother, while your parents have trouble letting you go? Your ideas of romantic "love" and of what women want (to hear) are based on watching sappy movies?

    See me "jump" to the following conclusion: Immature mama's boy living in parents basement, who badly needs a english refresher course.

    What a frakking prize!

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  3. Oh, that's making me wish I'd saved the messages from one superstar I met on an online dating site. He added me to his favourites list (the way you let people know you were interested enough to start chatting to them on this site), and sent me a short message in which he seemed decent enough, with an interesting background and a quirky sense of humour. It ended with something like 'And so, I see no reason why we shouldn't start planning our wedding right away ;) Let me know if you like the look of my profile!'

    Funny guy, right? Wrong.

    I added him back, we started up a conversation, and he got weirder and weirder. He kept coming back to the fact that I hadn't answered his comment about getting married, and why was that, hmm? He was incredibly patronising and waved off my questions about his PhD with answers like 'It was in something called XXXXX, but it's all very complicated - don't worry, I wouldn't expect you to understand!', even though I'd already told him I had a PhD in a similar subject myself. Uh-huh. I thanked him for the conversation, told him I didn't think it'd really work and that I was looking for someone a bit closer to where I lived anyway, and wished him well.

    He replied at 2am to say he thought I was a really interesting person, and that it really could work between us, 'but if you disagree then you should have TAKEN ME OFF YOUR FUCKING FAVOURITES!!' Followed by another message at 2.30am to apologise for 'using the F-word to a lady, which I don't usually do,' and asking if we could try again.

    Hmmm. No.

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  4. Weasel -

    Should have this as a feature that comes up every now and then. Pretty amusing...

    Sappy romantic movies...*shudder* Yucky. I hate The Titanic...good romantic movies are a rarity in my book.

    Good grief if anything else, seems that guys don't get the spell check feature - it might add an IQ point or two to the impress us ladies! Kind of sad/funny the spelling errors though.

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  5. Good stuff!

    Keep it coming :)

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  6. You really should add "How not to reply to a personal ad" The opportunities are endless, and very very funny

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  7. Oh please make it a regular feature! Almost makes me want to join one of these sites just to have my own crazy emails to submit. Funny stuff keep it coming Weasle.

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  8. Great stuff, Weasel. Most of my online dating experiences have been fairly positive, but I have found that "athletic and toned" seems to describe about 80% of the online world and more like 8% of the real world. Seriously, people, we'll see what you really look like when we meet up, and nobody likes being the victim of false advertising.

    I like that Eric supposedly owns not one but two very expensive cars and yet lacks the basic knowledge of how to spell the brand name. Totally plausible...or not. For that matter, I'm sure his former Playboy girlfriend is also crying her eyes out over the fact that she's no longer with such a great catch like him. On the bright side, maybe he can take some of his $5 million of monopoly money (oh, I meant to say his "investment" earnings) and pay for a remedial high school english course.

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  9. My vote is to make this a regular feature. Please do!

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  10. I always love hearing about other peoples' experiences with dating site weirdos. I had plenty of my own there for a while (This guy is one of my favorite responses, a complete wacko really.)

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  11. Oh man.. I wish I knew about this site 6 years ago during my forte into LavaLife. (Or I wished I saved some of the emails) I'd love it to see this a semi-regular feature - if nothing else to make me so very happy I don't participate in the online personals olympics.

    The 37 year old towel dude is just creepy. He's the type of guy you go out with once, realize he's not your type and then have to get your number changed and a restraining order. yikes.

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  12. I love hearing this stuff. Please make it a recurring feature!

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  13. Please do continue doing "how to not answer to a personal ad" part! It was hilarious!

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  14. Love this! I laughed when I realized this guy was on OKCupid....I've had a profile on there for a while, and am now up to over 200 rejects in the matches they try to set up for you. The guys on there (at least in my area) are the left-overs....98% physically unattractive and pseudo-intellectual, with a lot of them posting pictures dressed in some kind of medieval role-playing costumes. Yikes! Luckily, you can block these dweebs who keep writing even after you've told them you're in no way interested. Of course, it's a free site, and you get what you pay for....

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  15. Please keep this coming, Weas! These letters are fantastic!

    Love the rampant spelling errors in the last one. Is that meant to be attractive? When the last guy talked about walking under the "moo light," I think he was referring to the cow shaped nightlight in his bedroom that's been there since he was 3.

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  16. Oh I have so many of these that I posted on my own blog back when I was in the online dating world. I had to get off those sites, those people are there for a reason.

    here's one such charmer:

    "hi!! im new here trying 1 last time to share my passions they were a bit to strong for my wife of 19 years but she did her best we raised 3 great kids but now was time to move on passionpassionpassion i have plenty my work my music my sex my best sex lately is masturbation(did i just say that?) even turning a woman down to enjoy my own fantasies nothing perverted but defenitly kinky!! anyway it aint all about sex but i need to share some time w/ a pasionate lady so here i am i hope you read my profile and maybe you will write back thanks! charles"

    This was a quote from another one of my favorites:

    "I am not your “typical” guy, I like a woman with a strong personality. Mainly, I like the woman I am with to feel like we are equals."

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  17. Love you Weasel!!!

    I don't have online dating scandals yet, I'm only 18 and leaving for college in the fall so I'm not looking either.

    Yay!!!

    gonnabea10.blogspot.com

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  18. I think I may have posted this here before, but...

    After my now ex-husband and I had separated, I dipped my toe into the shark pool of online dating *cough*OKCupid*cough. There were some gems. Guy One wanted me to read his novel about a thousand ways to torture women ("Based on all the things I thought up when my wife left me!") and Guy Two was just divorced...oops, I mean separated ... oops, I mean getting ready to separate...oops, I mean telling his wife he wanted to separate, and so on.

    Guy Three took the cake though. I already had kind of an 'off' feeling about him, so we met for lunch at a busy fast-food restaurant. I got there early and ordered my own lunch so there wasn't any 'paying' issue.

    As soon as I saw him, I knew that, much like Paris Hilton's high school transcripts, there was a F in chemistry. Showing up in a dirty t-shirt and greasy sweats didn't help his case. He also had an absolutely filthy gauze bandage wrapped around one arm. It looked like an invitation to gangrene, which made lunch way more fun.

    He spends the entire lunch talking about some ex-girlfriend and his sexual prowess. I gulped my salad and said I had to leave for an appointment. He offers to walk me to my car. As soon as we get there, I turn around to give him the "Thanks, but no thanks" speech when he grabs me and kisses me. I'm trying to push him away; he's humping my leg like a horny Lab. I know this because I can feel his puny erection through the sweatpants he so classily wore on the date.

    Finally, I push back and while I'm staring at him thinking "What is even wrong with you?" he utters the classic line "So, can we have sex in your car? It'll only take five minutes!" (emphasis added for the WTFery of thinking that's a selling point). There is not enough "Hell No!" in the world.

    And yes, it IS possible to have a complete Purel bath.

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  19. Keep it as a regular feature, please!!

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  20. @Damned Fallacy--just...EW.

    Weasel, more of these please! A psychotic letter is a psychotic letter, be it from an ex or an aspiring ex.

    I harbor a secret wish that the asshats of the planet who write these vile missives (and the jackasses who post those vomitous personal ads on YWHM) will eventually wise up and think aout what they're writing before they send/post it, for fear of showing up here. But then again, what a loss of entertainment for the rest of us!

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  21. This was great! Keep em coming!

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  22. So, is Eric a code name for Dimitri? If not, then this guy must be one of his "graduates." What a douche!

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  23. I like the guy with the two personalities.

    "Hi, I'm a really nice guy and hope you'll message me back, but if you don't, I'll understand."

    "YOU FUCKING PHONY BITCH!!! Who the HELL do you think you ARE?! I can have my pick of ANY woman, and you're just some skeevy bitch!!!"

    "Um, yeah, me again. Sorry for saying the 'f' word, I'm not really like that."

    "YOU SORRY FUCKING ASSHOLE CUNT!!!"

    Dude, whatever meds you're supposed to be on, I suggest double dosage! Yowza!

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  24. Oh please, don't do this, don't scare me. I'm just starting to try to get out there and meet people after a long crappy marriage, and you're sucking away all of my hope. Maybe I should just find a nice convent ... oh wait, I'm not Catholic ...

    *sigh*

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  25. To the 10:20 a.m. anon:

    The day after the date I described above, I got a message on the same site from a guy. I met him for drinks two days after that; we're going on four really amazing years together.

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  26. I don't have any letters from mine, but back when I moved to my current town I set up an OkCupid profile. I hated most of my matches on there, though.

    I used to be a big geek, but after some failed geek dating I moved on to my old love - music. Geeks aren't usually good love interests if you like to leave the house, sadly. But OkCupid was still matching me with geeks based on the fact that I liked geek movies and books.

    This one dude was like an 85% match. I checked his profile, and he was the ultimate geek stereotype- chubby dude who plays DnD, greasy hair, and all his pictures taken at a renfaire.

    Every once in a while he'd send me a message and I'd delete it because I wasn't interested in him at all. They never said much other than "hi, how are you?"

    Meanwhile, I was working retail and comission near my house. Since our wages were competitive, I was working hard to build a rapport with the people who came in and I'd gotten a few regulars including this one geeky guy that I'd sold a large snake to when I started. He was always coming in and buying stuff when I was on shift, and I was always very friendly with him, but he never attempted to ask me out, ask about my personal life, or flirt at all. Just a customer.

    A few weeks after I lost that job, I got a message from that persistant geek guy on OkCupid saying "hey, haven't seen you around lately". Kind of creeped out, I checked his profile again. He'd put up new pictures. It was my customer.

    For months this dude had been coming in to see me at work and never once said a word in person or online to make me realize he was the same person.

    Kinda glad I lost that job.

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  27. I love these. Keep them coming.

    The great part is that after reading these I popped over to ok Cupid to see if I had any good ones to share and I had a new message in my inbox. It simply stated, "You look cool. What's the catch?"

    Delete.

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  28. Keep these coming, Weas! These are amazing!

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  29. Please, Weas, more of these!

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  30. Keep it coming--everything you post is like gold :)

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  31. What the Hell is 'moo light'? *snickers at the mental image*

    >the worst date you've had so far from a dating >site

    Well, that was pretty much the slob I wrote about last post. Although a close second - the guy who seemed really interesting and enthusiastic over the phone...

    Then I met him in person, and while he was fine physically, he suddenly developed the inability to carry on ANY kind of conversation. He'd brought his dog along to the date (fine by me, I love animals), but honestly, I think she was more fun to interact with than he was! He was just quiet and boring, what a disappointment. I didn't call him back for a second date, needless to say.

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  32. You know, I read this in its entirety, and honestly all I could think about after the first message to Katie was how much I wanted a nice juicy steak.

    Careful with your metaphorical food!

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  33. Nicolle: Prophecy fulfilled. Man averts disaster.

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  34. Not all geeks are bad, but yes, there are many who live up to the stereotypes. Some of the most gentlemanly men I've met have been Rennies. Kinda funny to watch the jerks get surrounded by a LOT of guys with weapons. :> Said jerks tend to wet themselves and run after that. ;) And you'd be surprised how fit those fighters can be!

    And Weasel, I think this would make an excellent recurring feature. Don't include just matching sites. Women can get unsolicited come-ones almost *anywhere* on the Internet.

    Case in point: I was once playing City of Heroes on one of my female characters. (This is Cyg, btw, and yes, I AM female.) Some guys in one of the starting areas started making some really lewd comments, both in local chat *and* in private message.

    So I lied and shouted, "I'm male and gay, go away!"

    ... Idiots started lecturing me about how I was "leading them on" by playing a female character. -.- 9.9

    -Cyg

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  35. Woman avoids encounter with bitter manchild. We rejoice!

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  36. This was totally awesome, Weas. More, more, more!!

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  37. make anything a feature on here and I will read it!

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  38. "How to not respond" would be a great addition. Keep doing what your doing. We all love you!!

    http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/

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  39. Woman presumes knowledge. Arrogance observed.

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  40. That last guy is far girlier than I am. No thank you.

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  41. Speaking as someone who has to wade through stacks of similar communications on a daily basis, I can vouch for the fact that these are just the tip of the tragic loser iceberg.

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  42. Who doesn't enjoy a good stroll under the 'moo' light? And all of those movies sucked what the hell.

    Moar plz.

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  43. I drive a Tempo :( depressing

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  44. I like it! I would love to see a "How not to respond to a personal ad" again. Especially if that means we get more posts...

    I love the last guy's spelling... moolight, heART, "someone that if i was a party and there was like 100,000 people there but only one i really do she is my love." Does that last sentence make sense to *anyone?*

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  45. I would like to see this featured! I absolutely detest chick flicks, sappy love movies, and people who use "internet typing" as I call it, like "ur" and "plz", is it really that difficult to write the actual word and use your spellcheck?

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  46. Keep this as a regular feature, Weasel! It was definitely amusing, and it's nice to take a step away from psychotic from time to time.

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  47. These are awesome...please keep them coming!!

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  48. Yes. More please.

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  49. Yes! Please keep this up. This stuff is gold.

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  50. At least that one guy didn't say he owned two Porches.

    Love this new feature, Weas! Keep it coming!

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  51. I'd like to second the vote that this become a regular event! The responses from dating people is almost as good as the plain old psychotic relationship stories. Perhaps a third blog is in order? ;)

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  52. "moo light"? nice. Looney tunes..all of them!

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  53. I dont knwo whats wrong with you, Weas. I love walks under the moo light.

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  54. Worst online date(s)? Easy. In numerical order...

    Number One - nicknamed after the fact as 'Motocross' by a dear friend of mine. Showed up in a dirty t-shirt with a picture of a moto cross racer on it and high top running shoes. Motocross was talking about an accident he'd been in when he leaned across the table, took my hand, and told me 'Don't worry...EVERYTHING works...' *squik*

    Number Two - nicknamed 'Teeth' by same said friend. Teeth grossly mis-represented himself in the height department, and then could not stop talking about how tall I was (about 5 inches taller than him). Until he insisted on me showing him my teeth. He asked, then begged (c'mon...let me see your teeth...puh-leeze....)to see them 4 times. I left.

    Number Three. Mr. C.R.(Criminal Record) Met him for coffee and since he's not from my city, I asked something like what besides the date, had brought him to the city. Big Mistake. He was here on *court ordered* anger management counselling because he beat up his own father!!! I left.

    And there's more. But I can honestly say my screening process has certainly improved...

    I, for one, do love a good walk under the moo light....

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  55. First thing - Keep the feature Weasel. :)

    Point two - Damned Fallacy wins, lol, if it can be called winning. :shudder:

    Point three - ok, car nut here. (Yes, I'm female, I'm straight, and I dig cars, deal with it.) The Porsche 911 is, first and foremost, considered a "cute chick car". Guys shopping in that price range or higher tend to lean towards Jags, Maybachs, Aston Martins, or other more "manly" cars. Seriously, you never see guys in these cars, they even built a whole "2 and 1/2 Men" episode around that fact.

    In addition, the 911's *start* (last I knew) in the high 70's. So an 80k 911 is aka a CHEAP 911. The Turbos run around 110/120k. If you are going to try to impress me with a fake sports car, how 'bout going for the loaded model instead of the basic one?

    I gave up on the online thing fairly quickly. Went out with three "could be ok" guys. Didn't have the horror stories presented here though.

    Guy number one brought his best friend and his friend's wife to make it a double date, said wife ran her mouth endlessly. My date never said word one, so I really have no clue what he was like. She was obnoxious as hell. When he proposed another double date, I found something better to do, I'm not living life with that chick riding shotgun.

    Date number two was a lawyer who said he was overweight but working on it. I'm not the perfect person, and I don't care if a guy is perfect. I feel life is all about self improvement, so I don't have a problem with a guy who's working on himself. I'll date fat guys so long as they are otherwise a decent guy - it's not a deal breaker for me. But this guy..OMG... he had to turn sideways to get through the door. (This is not "overweight" this is "obese"). He then proceeded to order three (!!!) foot long cheesestake subs, a large order of fries, a large order of onion rings, (each was supposed to serve two people!) and two pieces of pie. He then proceeded to shove all this down his mouth while talking (with his mouth full) about what a struggle it is to watch your diet. WTF? If he's watching his diet now, then what the hell did he have for lunch before? Deep fried elephant? His conversation was 100% limited to his favorite sports team, and not a damn thing else. I left with the impression that he did not a thing with his life other than work and watch ballgames.

    At least I didn't have to worry about letting him down, he emailed me later and told me he felt he couldn't be with me 'cause I ate an entire shrimp salad sandwich and a piece of pie and if I keep gorging myself like that I'll end up too fat to be attractive and I'd make him gain weight by setting a bad example. -blink-

    Try number three was a guy who advertised himself as 6'7". I'm 5'8", so he should have been nearly a foot taller than I was. I considered it safe to wear my four inch heals. He didn't come up to my chin...when we were sitting down. He had added a solid foot and a half to his height, he couldn't have been 5'2". And he was not happy when I showed up and he had to crane his neck back just to look up my nose. (Looking me in the eye would have required a step stool!).

    I don't have issues with dating short guys either, so long as THEY don't have issues with it. (Like the one ex who told me I should slouch more 'cause it wasn't "right" that I was an inch taller than him.) Obviously, this one had issues with it. I never heard from him again. That didn't bother me. ;)

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  56. No creepy dates yet, about the most I have to offer is a somewhat silly convo I had recently. I joined another dating site that offers everything - chat, messaging, seeing who's checked out your profile - for free, plus it has a forum. Anyway, I was looking around one day and this guy wants to chat. I'm pretty sure I didn't say I was interested, but I decide to talk to him.

    The first few minutes went fine. We did the usual "What's it like where you live?" "What's your job?" etc. He complimented me on my looks, and I told him he was good-looking, the usual flirty stuff. I kept thinking, "Dammit you're in Finland, this sucks. I'd probably really want to meet you in person."

    Then he said if I were sitting next to him he'd probably not be able to stop himself from trying to kiss me. I'm going to guess this would normally be seen as a flattering thing. And while I liked the idea that I was apparently just that attractive to someone, I was uncomfortable with the idea of that much closeness on a first meeting.

    My first mistake was not asking what he was looking for: friendship, dating, whatever. My second was probably trying to brush off his comment with a laugh and a joke. My third: continuing the convo when he asked how I liked to be kissed. It ended up with him going on about how I was so pretty, he wouldn't be able to control himself, he'd want to kiss me and touch me so badly. I told him I didn't kiss on the first date, and that I wouldn't be shy about telling him if he was pushing me too fast. I don't think it helped that after he backed off I basically said, "Look it's OK. You get it, and that's cool. You don't strike me as the type who needs an elbow to the face in order to know that you've gone too far."

    We haven't spoken spoken since, and I'm a tad afraid to try since I'm wondering if it would be a repeat or if he'd freeze me out. that, and I've learned I'm painfully shy about approaching guys online if I know they're looking for a date...despite the fact that I'm doing the same. Oog.

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  57. Would LOVE this as a regular feature! MORE!

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  58. Calantha -
    A Finnish guy I know from undergrad once came onto a girl by letting her know that "in Finland, the woman's place is between the oven and the fist!". Charming.

    And I am so grossed out by Damned Fallacy's story that next time I am single I will spend months under rocks rather than go on dates with people I'm 100% sure arent leg humping weirdos.

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  59. Another vote for making this a regular feature.

    I sincerely wish I'd saved the messages with a guy I met on...oh, I forget but does it really matter? Navy guy living down in Maryland, seems great, and then when I mention I wish my job paid more he comes out with something about how I could try being a phone sex operator. O_o I told him to bugger off and he was like, "But I wasn't serious! Geez, have a sense of humor!"

    Guy #2 was at Perfectmatch. We'd gotten to exchanging phone numbers and I was Really digging him. He lived a few states away so we were talking about him coming to visit (I was way, way too broke to go see him), and he asks if there are any hotels near my airport. Um, duh? Yeah, of course. Are any of them pay-by-the-hour, he wants to know. O_O I pretend not to have any idea where he's going with that and say I have no idea; why does he want to know. I knew him well enough by that point to know that was his attempt at being funny. I was, to put it mildly, Not Amused, especially considering he was the one who wanted to keep things Just Friends until we'd met face-to-face because we didn't know each other (so what, exactly, is conversing and exchanging information, if not getting to know each other better?). That was the worst of the suggestive/skavy comments he made while we were talking but definitely not the only one, but it was the last because I told him the next day I wasn't comfortable with talking about the Kama Sutra and how if we both hung up and went to bed at the same time we could say we went to bed together, and generally talking dirty with someone I was Just Friends with. His response was to tell me I needed to loosen up and he'd been losing interest for a while because I had a) been too negative for several months (I'd had Serious money problems that required me to drop out of school, move back home with my parents, and making ends meet once I was able to get my own place had been a Major Struggle on top of debt collectors calling me constantly and having transportation issues) and b) he didn't see any reason mature adults couldn't discuss--I forget his wording but I was the one with the problem, not him. xp Whatever. Considering I'd had a frank convo not too long before that with a Very Good guy friend about the ex who accused him of rape and our mutual (lack of) sex lives, I found the whole accusation that I was uptight hillarious.

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  60. The garbage coming from Eric CockPorshe reminded me of the Canadian guy who left those messages on the woman's answer machine you featured a couple months ago. Someone The Greek?

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  61. *Votes for more*
    I don't have experience with dating sites, but there was a guy who wrote to me on a Hungarian site called iwiw (it is like myspace, collecting friends and all that). I don't have the letters anymore, but I remember telling him in the 1st that I was not interested in dating, especially not on the net. He said ok, and we exchanged some more emails, and the last was the one where I went WTF. Not stalkerish at all, but I had a good laugh none the less. :) It went something like this: "He doesn't have the nerve to talk to me or even say hi (apparently he saw me on the bus a few times), so it is for the best that we forget eachother". I never answered.

    By the way, what is a "moo light"? A lamp used to warm cattle (like the one used for chiks/reptiles)?
    Also bad grammar is *gahh*!

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  62. My favorite wtf online date was from the guy who asked me repeatedly if I looked like my pictures because he'd been burned before. Then I met him and he had a good 20lb of new weight on him.

    Also one of the reasons I like online dating is I don't want kids and I like being upfront about that. I'm too 32yo white collar professional for this not to be an issue. So I went on a date with this guy who brought up his future kid(s) twice. Even if I wanted kids, I'd leave that out of the first date equation.

    love your posts, very entertaining

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  63. Cheryl: Ugh. They were right.

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  64. Shieldmaiden: Charming indeed. He must have wondered why the girl didn't want to go out with him after that lovely pick-up line. Did I mention that the guy I spoke had moved to Finland from India a few years back? So this wasn't even coming from someone who had been born there.

    Anon 6:12 - I also like dating sites for the same reason. I'm not entirely sure, but I'm leaning towards no kids myself. With online dating you get to see who has kids and who wants them for sure before you make up your mind to see someone.

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  65. My ex-girlfriend referred me to this site, claiming she and another friend of ours are convinced I was writing under an alias. I humbly admit that even on my best day, I can't write anything as funny as the stuff you have posted. This site is hilarious in a sad- are there really people like this out there- kind of way. Keep it up.

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  66. Please add this as a regular feature! So painful, yet so brilliant!

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  67. The thing that annoys me most with the last email is that it's perfectly obvious he shot that same impersonalized message out to fifty other women. Insects under the Apterygota subclass cannot engage in direct insemination. Instead, the male drops packets of sperm on the ground and tries to coax the female into one of the packets up by dancing around it or eating the sperm packets of his competitor.

    ...Anyone else see a connection here???


    The technique this would-be romancer imploys is not that offensive in itself, but the implicit expectation that a woman can't tell that she's just received a mass-produced email is.

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  68. Guy One, On first date from an online dating site asked me as we walked down the road 'What would you do if I punched you in the face?'
    Guy Two: same Site: Went into tremendous detail about how much he loves being caned by a woman 'with a firm hand'

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  69. Please make this a regular feature! Psychotic is psychotic, after all!

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  70. Love it. Keep it up!

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  71. LOVE IT! What's a "bithe" anyway - some kind of Australian bath salt? Seriously, the Porsche gem could have been written (with a little bit better grammar) by my brother-in-law. Le sigh. Some men just don't get it...

    This would totally be a feature I'd look forward to, by the way. Great stuff!

    Megan @ adventuresofacarnivore.com

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  72. I once got a message on Facebook, unsolicited, from a clearly fake account.

    It read: "Oh my! I'd like to be YOUR gynecologist!"

    I reported it. The account is no longer active.

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  73. Oh, man. I've done the online dating thing off and on for... oh my God... like 6 years now. Shit. Anyway, the hands-down, worst date I ever had was with a guy I'd spoken to on the phone a few times. He seemed completely normal, if a little... intense. But, I work in theatre, and I'm used to people with a few personal quirks.

    First. We met up in a small bar I'd never been to before. I was expecting a nice-ish place, being a first date, so I made a little effort--nice jeans, cute top, heels, a little extra care on my makeup. He showed up wearing dirty jeans and a sweatshirt I'm pretty sure he'd had since high school. The bar was a dump.

    Second. We were making the usual small talk, and I asked what he does for a living. He answered that he worked full-time for his dad's company. I said, "Oh, that's cool," thinking that would invite more details, but he simply snorted and responded, "Not really." And just sat there. Nothing else about that.

    Third. He started making fun of the way I talk (I get a little twang in my voice when I'm nervous, and this guy was starting to wig me out), and when I clammed up, he got pissed that I wasn't talking.

    Fourth. He kept buddy-punching me. It hurt.

    Fifth. He was a complete alcoholic. He was obviously a regular, because when the waitress approached to take our drink orders, she already had his drink in hand. He had six or seven vodka tonics in the time it took me to drink one beer. No sooner did he finish a drink, than the waitress would bring another without so much as a glance in her direction from him.

    Sixth. When I suggested that this wasn't going to be a love connection and I'd like to call it a night, he walked outside with me, where he asked if I'd like to come back to see his place. I politely declined, and he proceeded to inform me that he "fucks like a freight train," and was I sure I didn't want to come over? I declined again, he snotted "Have a nice life then, bitch!", got in his car and peeled out so fast I was afraid he was going to take out a light post or four.

    He called me for the next three weeks asking when we were going out again. At first I answered the phone and told him I wasn't interested, but he kept calling. Funny, it was only when I started ignoring him that he finally got the picture.

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  74. My cock is 7 1/2 inches long- fully erect.

    Some of us with large penises who drive Porsches buy them because they are quality sports cars, believe it or not.

    See? Even you PC progressives hang onto your own tired stereotypes, too!

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  75. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  76. Oh come on now, nothing gets me in the mood to eat lunch than sitting across from some incredible hottie that shows off his athleticism with pit stains and smell of week old sweat...god it's making me hot right now umm I mean hungry just talking about it!! hahahaha!!

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  77. I was on OKCupid for a while (Yes, I know...) and I'd learned from my friends' experiences that it paid to be up front about certain things in my profile. In my case, it was that I'm tall (5'10" in my bare feet), I don't want kids, and I don't want to date anybody significantly older or younger than I am. (I'm 25. My limit was one year younger or four years older. And it's not completely arbitrary, it's based on many, many bad dating experiences).

    The entire time I was there (a little over six months), I met ONE person who wasn't a complete freak and who actually seemed to have READ my profile. It was like everybody else just assumed, "Oh, she SAYS she doesn't want to date someone old enough to be her dad, but that's just because she hasn't met ME yet."

    No, dude. I know it happens, but, seriously, no. I have not dated nearly enough assholes my own age to have given up on my bracket of the census yet.

    There were a few guys who admitted up front that they messaged me because I was tall, and then admitted that they were, like, 5'4" and were really just seeing what it would be like to date "a giraffe."

    Again, no, thanks.

    Those were mostly annoying, though. My worst experience on OKC was when this 19 year old (remember that bit in my profile about younger guys?) messaged me through OKC's ninja chat program. No, seriously, I hated that thing because I would be working in another browser window and wouldn't see or hear it. I usually swtiched it off, but sometimes I forgot to. Anyway, this guy messaged me and I didn't see the chat box, so he was left hanging for, honestly, no more than ten minutes. But you'd think I'd left him hanging for DAYS.

    Never mind that he wasn't someone I'd ever chatted with before, his messages went from "Hey, how are you? I like your profile," to "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN! I WILL NEVER LOSE MY VIRGINITY! ALL WOMEN ARE VAPID WHORES!" in _ten_ _fucking_ _minutes_.

    I responded to his chat as soon as I realized it was there with a, "Whoa. I was doing something else and didn't see this. Calm your ass down." He responded with, "Oh, okay. So how are you?"

    Bipolar much?

    I won't bore you further, especially since I don't have a transcript of the chat anymore (Oh, but I USED to.), but I'll sum it up this way: When I reminded him that I didn't date younger guys and that I didn't think we'd be a good match anyway, he threatened to kill himself.

    Guys (and ladies, too), I don't know why some of you think that shit works, but I guess the sad fact is that it probably often does. I don't think there are many people out there who could turn their backs on someone who was obviously suffering, and that's usually a good thing.

    But dangling suicide over the head of someone you haven't even met because they won't help you lose your virginity is beyond bad form. And I don't know what this guy expected. Did he think that threatening to shoot himself in the head would make me change my mind? That I would guilt-fuck him just so he wouldn't off himself? That I would say, "Gee whiz, yanno, I was WRONG about you! Sure you're obviously mentally unstable and manipulative, but let's hump like bunnies!"?

    He picked the wrong person to try that shit on. I told him not to try not to get anything on the carpet and signed off.

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  78. MOAR PLZ. kthanx.

    Two tips:

    1) If you're looking for someone to date online, CHECK THE PROFILES. If the person you're interested in doesn't want kids, ever, and you want them, it's probably not a good idea to go there. Seriously. I know a married couple where one thought the other would change their mind on the issue. Nope. Hasn't happened. Divorce likley will, though.

    2) If you live in Fresno, CA and the person you're interested in lives in Bangor, ME, I'd say it isn't going to work. I'm sure as shit not going to travel a couple thousand miles to see if I hit it off with some random person on the internet.

    3) If the only thing you can think to say about the person you want is loyal, dependable, and affectionate, get a fucking dog. (IOW: most people want that.) Can you maybe talk about what you like to do for fun, what you specifically find appealing in a person (quiet and gentle? funny? life of the party? outgoing? demure? intellectual? sarcastic? well-travelled? homebody? sports nut?).

    4) If the only thing you can say about yourself is that you're nice, find some hobbies and interests, and come back and try again. Nice is the baseline folks. I like nice. But I also like quirky guys who are creative, work their hands, know all the Monty Python movies, won't wince when I order something unusual off the menu (and may even try it with me), like kids but don't want them, and are up for doing things like deep-sea fishing or hiking one day and maybe hitting the museum another day. See? Nice doesn't cover all of that. Nice tells me squat.

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  79. The extra two tips were a bonus.

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  80. @Anon 5:26: stop measuring from your taint.

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  81. Id love to see regular features of responses to personal ads! One of my favorites was a first-contact email that read, simply, "Are you sure I cant be your sex slave?"

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  82. Ah, Ive got it! make it a regular event, maybe a sister blog all its own, and name it "The Moo Light Chronicles of Oh-No-You-Di-ent!!"

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  83. Weas, how we love you.

    I did a stint on OKCupid. I met some very, very scary characters, let me tell you. :shiver:

    The Corpse. Tweaker Geoff. Those aren't user names either.

    Through some freak of nature it did yield my boyfriend, I guess I was rewarded for my pain?

    On that note, said boyfriend has a Porsche--but I didn't find that out until we'd been on several dates and ended up back at his place. It'll be old enough to drink next year, but man is that little bugger fast! He admits himself that that particular model usually belonged to 'bartender's girlfriends', lol.

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  84. A Porsche 911 is a chick ride?

    Wow, don't tell my husband that! ; )

    Srsly, the PorsheDoushe guy... I bet he reeks of Axe. ANd his pants are on fire.


    Sadly, even if there are only HALF as many dumbass women as there are dumbass men, it means that enough dumbass men get laid to serve as bad examples of quasi-success for the rest of 'em.

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  85. Wow. What a bunch of buttmunches. >_<
    And they still don't get that when they say "This is the last email" that it should be THE LAST MFING EMAIL.

    ~

    This isn't from a dating website; in fact, it's from a website WWHM introduced me to: Cracked.com

    I was visiting my dad for about a week, and while I'm there, I have no internet. When I got back online today and checked Cracked, I had SEVEN messages from the same person, someone who calls themself "Divine". Divine said this:

    "My name is Divine (single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today at www.cracked.com and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box(XXXXXXX@XXXXX.com)
    Thanks
    waiting to hear from you soon.
    Divine
    I will send to you my pictures in my next mail through this my mail box
    XXXXXXXX@XXXXX.com"

    I'd like to point out that the only info I have on my profile is my screen name, a tagline, a picture of a paint can, and a little 2 sentence blurb about me.
    *eyeroll*

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  86. Love the new segment! short sweet and to the point =)

    My worst online date LUCKILY is not WWHM, or PLFM worthy but creepy none the less.

    The guy did not look anything like his pictures.. as soon as i saw him walking over to me and waving i had the strong urge to jump back in my car and drive away..but lucky for me i didnt cause- he smelled to!

    I was stuck in the car with this dude who reeked something fierce, did not get the hint when i mentioned he did not look like his pictures, and obviously thought i was playing hard to get when i wouldnt let him get anywhere near me.

    After almost an hour, (that was all i could stomach)I said i was tired and going to head home. To which he responded... oh well i was going to suggest we go check out to the XXXX bridge by my house. It was 1030pm, and this creepy smelly stranger thought i would be willing to go to a rickety, ABANDONED, dark, secluded bridge with him??
    hmm....NAH! I called him out on how incredibly unsafe that sounded (probably not the smartest move)
    and said i would take a raincheck on that for a "day outing"

    I know im a prude..but i didnt feel like getting thrown off of it, only to have my splattered corpse raped.

    Luckily after a few unanswered calls and emails he got the hint.

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  87. @ Anon at 5:26

    7.5 AND a porsche?!? *SWOON*

    Where do all of us undeserving hens stand in line for your GIGANTIC COCK and "quality sports car" rides?

    Can you kiss your biceps, and inform me how lucky i am to be with you on a regular basis too?

    Hugs and kisses to my future baby daddy,
    Melissa.

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  88. So I read this blog and then go out in the world and experience some of these psychos and it just totally amazes me that there are SO MANY! Are there just as many women like that? I can't even wrap my mind around it.

    I was working a conference on a university campus this weekend, and I'm just 22. A lot of our attendees were older people, who retired and volunteer for cooperative extension.

    This one older man, probably in his early 60s, who was also volunteering to help run the conference, made multiple lewd comments to me. I ended up having to tell my boss. Turns out he was a retired cop, and had worked in Pennsylvania for 30 years. Now I wonder how many poor women who needed his help got harassed instead.

    I mean, for instance, I was driving shuttles and I came up and asked if a group of the people in which he was standing in needed a ride back to their lodging, and he said "I know where I need a ride to!" and then laughed and winked. I got at least 5 similarly inappropriate comments throughout the day. They just barely cross the line, as if he knew just how to make it look like maybe he meant something else, but man was I creeped out by the end of the day.

    I've been stalked by two different guys, and called daily for a month by another after I broke off contact, and whistled at, groped, etc. by many others.

    So someone please tell me: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY?

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  89. this was short and went no further, but it still gave me shudders.

    i'm on an online kink community. it's not specifically a matchmaker site, and my profile explicitly states that i'm not looking for new partners of any sort. but i do participate in various discussions. one such discussion was on the topic of sex during a women's menstrual cycle - pros and cons from both sides. my fairly-neutral comment on that thread elicited this response:

    "i would love to go down on you during your period. i think they are sexy."

    now, this is not someone i know, or have ever spoken to, and who lives 2,000 miles away. my answer (i try to politely answer everything, no matter how weird): "i'm sure you'll find someone in ohio to enjoy it."

    hint hint.

    his answer? "i'll never stop looking, and if you ever want to send a pic..."

    ew! no thanks!

    thankfully that's as far as it went. i didn't answer, and he hasn't continued that conversation.

    ug!

    -safely in seattle

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  90. LOL!! Just had to make a comment, because of the Ford Tempo/9 inches thing. My husband had a Ford Tempo for a while. *dances away whistling a happy tune*

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  92. I deleted my last post so that I could add an experience that I remembered without the faux paus of a double post.

    Though I don't have the horror stories of the other posters, I did once receive an email from a guy telling me how "wonderful I looked and what a good match we'd make" and how much he "loved my profile and interest in so many different things." When I looked at the to line of the email, about 15 other women were cc'd. Classy.

    Like I said, I haven't had the horror stories to share that others have, but I have a tendency to ask a million questions before I'll even consider meeting someone. I'll talk to them on the phone and via live webcam first, too, and they get to talk to my friends. It really helps weed out the impossibly creepy factor.

    I think most of us do that to some degree, though, and we still get weirdos and creeps.

    Anyway, there's nothing wrong with nerds. I like nerds. Remember, one of them founded Microsoft and another pair of them founded Apple! It's fun to go to Ren fairs and game online, too. If you're not considering some quiet, overweight or gentle guy just because of that, you're overlooking them for the wrong reasons. If you're not compatible, great, but they're pretty nice guys sometimes.

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  93. Ahh, I went on craigslist in the connections section (I know, stupid) and some guy had a second ticket to a hockey game up for grabs for anyone who wanted it... I e-mailed pretty much just stating my name and that I would like the ticket, and he responded with a:
    "Damn you sound soooo hot you could just come over to my place now and do whatever you want to me. Of course you can have this ticket you sexy lady, we could watch the game together, and then spend the rest of the night together. Call me anytime." Then he gave me his cell number.
    I didn't take the ticket.

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  94. I'm a long time lurker here, but this was such a hilarious entry that I can't resist posting a couple dating profile responses I've gotten recently.

    Here are my two favorite emails:
    subject: i think i love you.
    message: refer to subject line.

    subject: Korean?
    message: You really should put more on your profile so people like me can have something to write about. What part of your family is Korean?

    And this is my favorite chat (note, I didn't chat back at all):
    o y helo thar
    Want to be my new friend?
    owned
    hey, bay-B
    E brizzle
    im not giving up yet
    I am eat cookies for breakfst

    He is eat cookies for breakfst. Too bad I am eat Grape Nuts for breakfst. Otherwise we'd have made a lovely pair.

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  95. Ok. This is the long time lurker again. I signed onto OkCupid to see if I had any other stories to share and got this chat:

    look I lost a stupid bet with trent, and I need to ask a complete stranger
    where does kelly get to punch me?

    I honestly haven't heard that pick-up line before.

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  96. Wow, this feature and many of your online dating horror stories with creepy men make me happy I'm gay. I mean, I'm happy being gay, but wow, happy being gay.

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  97. Oh Weasel!! I am voting in definite favor of a permenant slot for these :)
    Brilliant writing as always!

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  98. A regular feature of these would be awesome!

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  99. Hmm...where do I begin? I met a guy online for the first time when I was only 18. He was 24. We got on really well. He asked great questions, we seemed compatible...we talked online for weeks, and he finally asked if I wanted to get together. But I had to meet him near his place because he couldn't go very far. I was naive. To cut it short, he was 39, and balding, and the reason why he couldn't go very far was because he was under house arrest. Oh wow, do I ever know how to pick them.

    I went on Lavalife. I thought I'd meet some nicer guys. I ended up having a chat with a university student, he seemed quite nice. We set up a date that I ended up breaking, he told me he was going to jump off a bridge, and that it was my fault. Wow.

    I didn't do the online thing again until almost a year later. Same site as the first, met a guy who seemed nice, he was super attractive, and 27. We met up at a restaurant, it was a great date, and when he kissed me, it absolutely made my head spin. Here was a keeper. Only I found out that he was a 19-year-old in a 27-year-old (and super hot) body. He also made a comment, during our second date, about how his brother's wife's name was the same as mine, and 'wouldn't it be crazy if we got married?'

    Yup.

    It was a lot of little things, that time. He seemed a bit controlling, a bit needy. One of my friends told me that from everything I told her, he sounded like an abuser, and I needed to get out of it as quickly as possible. She wasn't the only one who told me this.

    Shortly after my first really serious breakup, I went on POF to try the online thing again. I only opened the profile intially to figure out what would get interest, because my friend was not having the best of luck. And I mean...it couldn't all be so bad, right?

    One of the guys to message me was drop-dead gorgeous. I should have been suspicious at all of the half-naked pictures on his site...but I couldn't seem to concentrate, for some reason...rippling abs...anyway, we had a few online conversations, then a few phone conversations, then we met up.

    At the end of the first 'date,' he took me to Tim Horton's (I don't drink coffee or eat donuts) and as we were sitting at the table, asked if I wanted to feel his pecs. And his bicep. Yup. And he just wasn't too bright. But I deserved what I got on the next date, because I agreed to a next date. My fault entirely, and I understand that. The smokin-hot body just overwhelmed my sense of good judgement. He took me to his place of work to look at electronics, we were going to see a movie but he didn't want to see "the one with the gays in it, because that's just wrong, I mean, how can people even DO that, it's terrible." Wow. By the end of THAT date, I had a friend call me with a crisis..."oh, I'm sorry, my friend's cat just died and she's really freaking out, so I have to go see her...no, no, you don't have to give me a ride, I'll be fine." Even though I'd be walking downtown in the dark, alone, I was ready to take my chances.

    The last guy I ever met on a dating site, I dated for a year and a half. The whole reason I started dating him, though, was because he had 'hang out' as his 'looking for' and I figured that would be just fine. I took it as code for 'fool around' and I was still on the rebound, since muscle guy didn't do it for me. Things got more serious than I thought they would, and there was my year and a half relationship, a whole year of which was mostly good. The last six months were not mostly good, but that's neither here nor there.

    Luckily, after that guy, I started dating a guy I've known for years, and we're still together.

    And yet, would I try online dating again? Possibly. So it's really all my own fault.

    ReplyDelete
  100. What's really sad is that while reading through this particular post, I found myself thinking, "Wait... WAIT... I think I got the same messages on said dating site."

    Criminy.

    I don't understand how men (and I'm assuming women aren't completely off the hook for this type of behavior, either) can send a barrage of batshit crazy emails and not figure out why NO ONE will write them back. I actually took it upon myself to blog about one particular suitor, as well:

    http://www.idontdoboats.blogspot.com/2008/11/online-dating.html

    I was also lucky enough to have someone be so burned over my lackluster response to their craziness that they wrote an in-depth blog about ME.

    I heart the interweb.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Weas,
    More pleas.


    I've been trying online meeting/dating since ... God, it pains me to say this, but since 2002, or when I turned 30. I've only had one weirdo, and never gave him my email, choosing only to message thru the site. He was easily enough gotten shut of, simply by letting my membership lapse; I wasn't meeting anyone there anyway.
    *whew*
    I met my last two bfs online. They were delightfully normal, one relationship falling by the wayside due to distance, the other due to age (and I'm still friends with both). I kissed a lot of frogs before meeting them, tho, and expect to be kissing more now that I'm going to try dating again.
    Reading these (and the other, regular PLFM ... and WWHM, for that matter) helps me realize that being single isn't so bad; it's certainly better than eating the shit these asshatsdouchenozzlefucktards dish out just to be in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  102. A few favorites:

    1) Message from a guy named "willsuckyourtoes" asking if he could, well, you can imagine. I responded with "nope! Good luck, though."
    Straightforward, honest. He got the message, right? Nope! He's messaged me at least three more times and IM'd me at least once. What's funny is his profile has no picture and nothing about him. All I know is he wants to suck my toes.

    2) Guy at least twice my age with a handle of "good4sex" (or something similar) who has messaged me probably 5 times. Not once have I responded. Please, please, please, take a fucking hint!

    3) Guy from the opposite coast IM'd me late one night. Starts out normal enough "how are you? I really like your nose ring" okay...thanks? Quickly devolves into him asking if he could "use" my pictures "for himself"...then him getting angry at my lack of response, asking for my permission for him to "finish" because it was "hurting" him, and not understanding why I wasn't flattered. He DID, after all, pick me out specifically, in part because of my piercing.

    My poor innocent display pictures...what did they ever do to anybody?

    ReplyDelete
  103. I once managed to offend someone for stating in my profile that I didn't want someone married or older than 40. I was 34 at the time, with a specific lifestyle and interests that I had no luck finding compataible men past that age. I was polite about it. But someone got his pants in a twist over and repirted me and my profile was pulled until I rewrote it.

    This was lavalife, when they were still under their old name (I forget what they called themselves). Yet men can stamp their feet and demand not to hear from fat chicks all the time. Go figure.

    ReplyDelete
  104. I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

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  105. When I was 18 I went on a date with a guy from a dating site (I think it was match.com). His picture was very cute and I was excited. Only, when I met him, the picture was ten if not twenty years old. And fifteen minutes into coffee he mentioned his "scat" fetish. I didn't quite know what to say, so I ended up going with, "Thank you for telling me that on the first date. This is not going to work."

    ReplyDelete
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