We've had a tough couple weeks here at PLFM, haven't we?
We've showcased some absolutely insane stalkers, a few creepy lurkers, and a pathologically obsessed bodybuilder who tried to woo his ex-girlfriend back by documenting his recent accomplishments in the transportation of hay, stones, and other farm products.
So today, PLFM has decided to offer up some lighter fare; a zesty appetizer of assclown if you will, sprinkled with the pungent odor of desperation. A long simmering dish of cluelessness, now served directly into the face of the chef.
This is the tale of one of those guys.
The guy from your distant past that just never gives up on you, no matter how many times you express your complete indifference to his proposals.
He's a Hare Krishna camping next to your vagina, yet knocking on your door every morning just to remind you he's still camping on your lawn, just in case you change your mind.
Simply put, he's The Pest.
Lets fumigate our crotches, shall we?
Lea moved from rural Oregon to Southern California when she was 12 years of age. Once Lea arrived in her new neighborhood, she decided to make as many friends as possible to ease her transition into the Southern California lifestyle.
Lea first befriended a boy up the street named Matt. Matt seemed a little socially awkward, but he had a great collection of video games to play with, and a very nice swimming pool to lazily waste away the hot summer afternoons.
Even at 12, Lea realized Matt had a controlling and bossy personality. In fact, Matt was hellbent on teaching Lea about the two most important things in life.
First, Lea needed to accept Jesus Christ as her Lord and Saviour. Only Jesus could lead Lea to happiness, and only by following His word would Lea would be accepted into Heaven. Lea needed to be saved, and Matt would willingly assist Lea in accepting Jesus Christ.
Secondly, Lea needed give Matt a blowjob.
Proving once again that you can never beat the creamy combination of religious fervor and sloppy blowjobs. It's the peanut butter and chocolate of the religious right.
Lea found it odd that the path to Jesus Christ traveled directly through the kittenish and marble-smooth testicles of a 12 year-old boy in San Diego, California. Not convinced, Lea instead agreed to a committed relationship with Matt, which of course at 12 years-old lasts about as long as pudding on a stick.
Matt told Lea they had to french kiss in the pool to christen their new romance. Lea tried, and nearly choked to death after swallowing a large amount of chlorinated pool water.
Disgusted, Lea broke up with Matt and stormed off into the sunset completely disgusted at the sudden collapse of their relationship, totally frustrated at the sexual imbalances already creating havoc in her life, and longing for someone to replace the most magnificent relationship she had ever experienced in her 12 years of life. How could she possibly ever forget her deep and lasting love for Matthew?
Three minutes later she saw a frog and completely forgot about Matthew.
Lea tried to avoid Matt from that point forward. She walked home from school a different way every day for weeks, until one day Matt caught up with her. He begged her to come back to his house, and Lea steadfastly refused. Matt persisted until Lea had finally had enough. She told Matthew that if Matt kept bugging her, Lea would get her cousin to beat Matthew up.
Matt went home and told his parents that Lea had threatened her. Matthew's parents came over to Lea's house with Matthew to talk to Lea's parents, and according to Lea, her parents "laughed Matthew's parents out of the house" in a flurry of Bible pages.
Lea didn't see much of Matthew again until high school, when Matthew took a job as a tech helper for the high school drama department, where Lea had taken an active role in producing school plays.
Now, at this point in the story, we must discuss an important discovery Lea had made in her early high school years. You see, Lea, a female, and the author of this blog, a male, have one thing very much in common. Namely, when we desire a snack, we both immediately reach for a refreshing box of Vagina Chex.
Lea is a lesbian. A term which women decipher as "I don't like the cock," and a term which men immediately decipher as "Threesome!"
Lea never hid her sexuality, nor did she promote it. She simply admitted it, which in high school is the equivalent of wearing a hardhat with a 90 foot neon sign affixed to the tip with an arrow pointing to Lea's face, saying "The girl directly underneath this hardhat is totally lesbo-tronic!" whilst a tornado siren blared Sarah McLachlan tunes from her backpack. Essentially, everyone knew Lea was a lesbian, including Matt.
After one particular play wrapped, Lea decided to throw a wrap party at her home. It was the typical high school affair; keg on the porch, music blaring throughout the night, and half-naked teens running around flaunting their tight and limber bodies, oblivious to the eventual scourge of time. Assholes.
Anyway, at one point during the party, Lea became involved in a saucy game of spin the bottle. One thing led to another, and somehow Lea ended up taking her shirt off and exposing her breasts to the entire party, causing an immediate explosion of 16 year-old male erections that was heard across 14 neighboring counties.
The hardest erection sprouted from the loins of Matthew, who suddenly had developed a very non-Christian view of the world.
Matthew simply never forgot this glorious moment in his life. It was if he had seen the coming of Jesus Christ, though I doubt Jesus was truly the one coming.
Matthew once again began to hound Lea constantly. In fact, let Lea explain how bad it got:
"For the next two years of high school he constantly worked on all the plays and asked everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) if they knew when there was going to be another one of 'Lea's cast parties'. This would be said in a nasally voice and followed up with a leer and a weird half-assed wink."
Matthew followed Lea everywhere, inquiring about her activities and, of course, the well-being of her breasts. Matt would corner Lea and demand to know when she had people over. He insisted on invitations to her get-togethers, even though Lea made it very clear that Matt creeped her the fuck out. But Matt just never got it. He talked endlessly about "that night when Lea showed her breasts," and told everybody that Lea was his "ex-girlfriend."
Which was true, for about 23 minutes 5 years earlier. But throughout the remainder of her high school years, Matt just couldn't let go of "the night." Clearly, it was the highlight of his life.
Lea was relieved to get away from Matthew when she finally graduated from high school, and eventually she forgot about him.
Until five years later.
Lea was perusing her Facebook page when she noticed she had a friend request. Lea clicked on the request, and found Matthew's shit-eating grin staring her in the face. Lea mulled it over for a while, and decided "he'd been an awkward teenage boy pimply with hormones back then. He couldn't possibly still be such a creep now."
Lea accepted Matt's friend request, and figured if there was ever any correspondence between them, he'd probably just be upfront and apologize for his foolish, stalkerish, and silly behavior when they were kids, right?
No, that annoying buzzer sound you just heard was not your oven.
Matt immediately sent Lea a Facebook email congratulating her on her 21st birthday, and offered to take her out for a drink. Lea thanked Matt, but reminded him it was actually her 22nd birthday, but sure, if she was ever back in San Diego, maybe she'd meet him for a drink. She never for a minute actually considered taking him up on it.
Which led to the following exchange via Facebook:
hell yeah i will take u for a drink i was just getting off work but i will take u out anytime hottie.
Sorry Matt, maybe you misunderstood. I live with my girlfriend in Oakland, and I meant like a friendly hang out drink. You know I'm gay right? :)
well... ill tell ya what... ill hook up a night where we get a group up and ill let u kno and u come down with some of ur hottie chicka friends and we will all go downtown k? maybe sometime in Aug on a Fri night. :) sound good?
Thanks Matt, we'll see. I'm not really much for the club scene, though. You have fun without me.
ok well maybe we can hang out when u come down in august, and if u have the money i can hook u up with a car stereo from my work. :)
Strange, in that Lea never said anything about coming down in August, nor did she mention she was in the market for the latest in discounted mobile electronics.
Creeped out once again, Lea figured she'd just avoid Matthew from now on, but didn't need to be rude and actually delete him from her Facebook account.
August came and went, but a year later Lea actually did put together a trip to San Diego.
Unfortunately, she posted her intention to travel to San Diego on her Facebook page, forgetting that Matthew would be able to see it.
Matthew immediately sent Lea an email, telling her that "she owed him a drink," which was a strange reversal from his earlier request to buy her a drink. Lea didn't respond, so Matthew began to barrage Lea with emails, including a link to cheap Sea World tickets. Because even lesbians like dolphins!
"We should totally go!" he said.
"Totally not!" thought Lea.
Matthew then caught Lea off-guard one night on Facebook chat, which led to the following creepy exchange saturated with what you and I might refer to as "the willies."
what's up? hey im starting my model photography again. thought of you and your sexy body. if ur ever wanting some photos done let me know. its not like i havent seen that body of urs. lol.
Umm...No. That's a little weird of you to ask, to be honest. Good luck with that, though.
lol what the modeling or the modeling with me behind the camera. lol no worries, ur attractive and i thought to extend the invatation
why is it wierd ?
Lea didn't respond that night, so the next morning she woke up to this:
common u had no problem with taking of ur top in high school
so what is it or r u just going to ignore me ? i thought we were friends even tho i am ur ex?
"So I wrote back, incensed and creeped right the hell out," says Lea.
Hmm well, it might be one of a couple things:
a) I am all for being friendly and I wasn't going to say anything until you did this, but let's be real here; you and I are not friends by any means. I invited you to like ONE cast party in high school that EVERYONE got invited to, and you made creepy remarks for years afterward. And I am certainly not your ex. We hung out for a stressful week or so when we were 12 that wasn't fun for me at all. Or did you somehow forget that we NEVER hung out and I ignored you all through high school? If you ever even saw my 'body', you need to get over it because it was MORE THAN SIX YEARS AGO and I'm an adult now, not some dumb little drunk teenager. We should BOTH be adults by now.
b)Why would you even think I'd be into that? I had no idea you even liked photography because, once again, we ARE NOT friends. I'm not a model. And if I wanted pictures of me taken, don't you think I could probably get my GIRLFRIEND (yeah, that would be the girl I'm kissing in all of the pictures of me) or one of my friends or, god forbid, a real professional photographer who wouldn't ogle my 'sexy body' to do it? Here's a protip: real photographers don't pan facebook for their clients and then pressure them when they refuse. Find someone you actually know or maybe someone who, I don't know, LIVES there?
The point? I don't know you, you SO don't know me and it is INSANELY creepy and weird to assume I'd be okay with you offering to take pictures of my 'sexy body' just because you saw my tits like once in high school. Grow up, buy a dictionary and look up the word 'oblivious'.
"I haven't heard from him since," says Lea. "He deleted himself off of my friends list and I can only hope he maybe, somehow, some way, learned something from this interaction, even if it was just 'don't fuck with dykes'."
Well said, Lea, and congratulations for finally ridding yourself of a lifelong creeper.
Do you have a guy that's been pursuing you forever and just can't take the hint?
Put it in the comments, or even better, send it in along with all your other bizarre or psychotic correspondence to PLFM at email@example.com.