Monday, July 20, 2009

Game Night

Michelle recently accepted an invitation to join her friend and her friend's father for an evening hockey match in her hometown.

While most men might suggest women only enjoy hockey for the unruly temperment of the scarred and costumed goons blazing around the ice under the power of their rigid yet playful buttocks, Michelle rather enjoys the finer qualities of hockey.

And a fine game she witnessed; the home team scored several goals, and Michelle even caught a portion of a player's ear canal in a cup of Schlitz Malt Liquor.

Michelle's friend's father spent much of the game befriending an older gentleman in the seat next to him. Michelle, who is in her early 20s, estimates the friendy old chap was at least in his early 60's. He was a photographer, and had captured some excellent action shots of the home team scoring.

After the game the older man shared some of his handiwork with the group, and Michelle found a couple of remarkable pictures. The old man offered to send everyone in the group a few selected photos via email, so they proffered up their email addresses and everyone went about their merry way.

Michelle returned home and found an email from the gentleman in her inbox, but with no attachments. Perhaps the older gentleman was having trouble uploading the photos? Perhaps he was just letting Michelle know the pictures were on the way?

Ummm ... no.

"It is possibly the creepiest email I've gotten in my life," says Michelle. "Keep in mind while reading it that I am at least 40 years his junior and that he and I had no conversation beyond an exchange of emails and a request for photographs."

Now folks, let's pour ourselves a refreshing glass of awkward ...

Sweet Miss M,

It was indeed a pleasure meeting you tonite. It's been a very long time since I've had a one on one intelligent conversation with a lady who lives in the same universe that I do. I wanted very badly to ask you to join me next Friday nite and I don't know what stopped me. Oh,yea, you had to go powder your "nose". I just felt so very relaxed talking with you. Am I nuts?

I'd like you to know who I am. If you'd ever like to talk , I stay up until at least 12 MN everynite. I just hate going to bed. I hate hugging that long body pillow every nite. The poor thing is probably pretty doggone tired of being attacked by me, in my dreams, every nite. I get home from Church about 11:15 or so and usually spend the day staying at home. The pool in my apartment complex will be opening up soon. Yahoo!

This is hard to say. I know that I'm not supposed to like you (because of ages). It really is a miserable thing to find someone that is everything you want in a person, their personality, their career choice in a creative art area, their fantastic sense of humor, thier beauty both inward and outward, the way it feels to be with them... so relaxed like I've known her for my whole life.

And in {redacted} where I'm VERY seriously considering moving to permanently to work with a close friend of mine who is a Missionary. I was with him for two weeks a few yeas ago. It was wonderful there. And it is very common there to see men with younger wives. I think I may have my Vasectomy reversed and have a few children. On ONE FOURTH of my retirment I can live in the most luxurious townhouse or rent a house and pay all utilities, food and entertainment. To Bed and dreams.

God Bless You.

Love,

Hugh

Hugh then sent a lovely and heartfelt follow-up email upselling his lifetime of panther-esque genital adventures, along with a technical description of the minutiae involved in reversing his vasectomy.

Because as we all know, nothing ignites the white-hot masturbatory fantasies of a 21 year-old woman more than an elderly individual employing the words "cauterize" and "urethra" in a single sentence whilst waxing philosopically about his own penis.

"It's probably worth noting that my friend and her father didn't get pictures from the guy," adds Michelle.

"I was the only one who heard from him at all. After sharing the email with my friend, I chose not to respond. He sent a few more emails in the same vein as this one over the course of about a week, but eventually gave up, thank god. In comparison to some of the letters on your blog, I think I got off rather lightly."

We agree with you, Michelle.

By the way, how's your "nose"?

58 comments:

  1. You know what I love more than the guy saying he will tell her about himself and actually talking about his penis (natch)?

    I love following a blog that actually updates when I'm awake, instead of waking up to a post with like 200 comments already. (I work graveyard)

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  2. The vasectomy information elevates this letter to a whole new level of creepiness.

    By the way kookaburra, some of us don't live in the US!

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  3. Ugh cradlerobber *shudder*

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  4. Wow, that's the prime crazystuff, right there.

    Part of me doubts he's quite deluded enough to think she'd respond, although that may be my "not despair of humanity" reflex talking. He probably gets off on the exhibitiony kick of knowing that a young woman is reading about his penis.

    Ickyickyickyicky!

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  5. LOL @ defensive anons. The author of this blog is in the US, as am I. I fail to see how my reason for being up at this hour and getting to see posts when they are new is a decree that nobody outside the US reads this blog.

    Upon re-reading the note, I am struck by the random capitalization. I think we need a creeper bingo card, Weasel - with squares for just such trademark creeper signs!

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  6. Other than the whole age factor, this was quite nice...up until the vasectomy line. (Although..."Yahoo" ???)

    Creep, creep, creep.

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  7. One for the Aussies here, it's still a reasonable hour. YAHOO for Weasel!

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  8. Of COURSE a 60 year old man would move to somewhere where it's very common to see men with younger wives.....I would imagine those poor women aren't allowed to vote or work or have an education either....nice.

    Hmmm....lets see.....he get younger wife with all that youth gives....she gets....

    I see a flaw in your plan Hugh...

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  9. I'd go in disguise when watching another hockey game at the risk of bumping into this creepy old geezer again. Eeuuwww on the whole vasectomy-part!!! Has he learned nothing from Hugh Hefner with the whole no marrying and having children again during old age?!

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  10. Letter looks canned. She mustn't have mattered much, because he didn't bother to specifically adapt it for her.

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  11. Ugh, the part about "attacking" his long body pillow every night was enough to give me the crawling heebie jeebies. Hitting on somebody by telling them that you are desperately lonely is never a good move.

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  12. Ew.

    EW!!!

    [runs to take shower]

    Glad to have a couple of posts to read to renew my faith that the creeps are always out there.

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  13. failpost. There wasn't much to that other than their ages and that's not exactly creepy these days. Step it up Weas or I'm canceling my subscription. You can have your shitty complimentary gift if you want it back but you have to pay S&H. I didn't like the slap chop that much anyways.

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  14. Wow, how does a guy get so amped up about someone he sat next to at a hockey match? And that body pillow line actually made me shudder in disgust, too much information.

    I second that the anons are quite amusing, way to read too much into a comment. If anything the user name Kookaburra1701 indicated they weren’t in the US as Kookaburras are endemic to Australia.

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  15. I'd steer away from using the word "endemic" if I were you - it implies a disease state. Nevertheless, one could be forgiven for inferring Australian-ness from someone with a username like that. I certainly did, and I'm one of them!

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  16. This is quite possibly the creepiest email of all time. I defy anyone to find a creepier one. Great post, Weasel.

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  17. eeewwwww!!! Granted, I'm currently interested in a guy at least 10 years older than me...but 40?!

    Perhaps I should send Weasel the weird post I got from a creepy old man a few years ago and see if it qualifies.

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  18. I find it most annoying that he keeps saying "nite" instead of "night". Also, he's gross.

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  19. Gurgh!

    Takes me back to the time I was working in a pub, there was a perfect specimen of 'creepy old guy' who was notorious in our town for freaking out all the bar maids. The worst he ever did to me was to sing to me and try to hold my hand, but one poor girl he got obessessed with was bought a car, he turned up with it to the pub she was working in that night, she spent the whole evening in tears.

    Creep creep creep.

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  20. "I'd steer away from using the word "endemic" if I were you - it implies a disease state.
    July 21, 2009 6:48 AM"

    Are you thinking "epidemic," Anon? Endemic simply means "local" or "native." Yes, it can be used in referring to a disease in a specific location, but it doesn't imply anything on its own. Otherwise, it would sound a little strange...all the biology websites out there talking about "endemic wildlife."

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  21. anon@ 6:19 am - You don't get to decide what other people find creepy.

    And this letter? I find it CREEPY. CAPSLOCK-LEVEL CREEPY. ("Attacking the pillow"...? eeek!)

    anon @8:37 am - you mean he hotwired her CAR??? And drove it to her work? How fucked up is that?!

    LOL, I actually learned recently that everyone on a message board where I hang out thought that I was Australian (I'm soooo not cool enough for that!) because of when I post and my username.

    I had never thought about the implications of my handle 'o choice - it's a pet name my mom called me as a baby. (I was a very giggly child. oh well, at least it wasn't "Hyena".)

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  22. You'd think a 60 year old man would know how to spell 'tonight'

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  23. This will be me in 40 years. :'(

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  24. Makes you wonder what "sooper secret" conversation he was having with her in his head?

    CREEPY!!

    36 & Single

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  25. "Am I nuts?"

    All signs point to yes.


    http://geekywomantales.blogspot.com

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  26. i think his wording about moving somewhere with younger wives and being able to live on a fourth of his retirement makes it seem like he's trying to plant the Sugar Daddy Seed. plus, randomly throwing out that he's fixed, but can change it just in case she feels like having babies with him. it's these weird pseudo-suggestions that make these guy uber creepy. plus, being totally delusional about his non-existent conversations he had with her.

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  27. The woman I don't feel that sorry for, she can easily outrun the old fart. But the pillow! Dear god, the crimes against the defenseless pillow!

    Maybe he's going to church to atone for what he's done to the pillow. Gawd I hope it has a removable / washable cover.

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  28. This email is EXACTLY like ones I used to get from this pervert in his 40s, back when I was a 16-year-old in high school. (I just turned 30, and this creeper is STILL trying to find and harass me, only now he's in his late 50s/early 60s.)

    Seriously, this nutjob would try to hit on every female that appeared under 25, and preferred teenagers. The emails he sent me were written JUST like the one in this post.

    1: He writes "nite/tonite."

    2: "Doggone" is a regular part of his vocabulary as well.

    3: Went into FAR too much detail about the fact that he had a vasectomy (he was trying to "subtly" reassure me that I wouldn't get pregnant from an imagined tryst).

    4: Kept tossing out mentions of his "church work" as if that would convince me to flock to him. (I'm agnostic, dumbass, and even if I *were* religious, using your "faith" to get into my pants wouldn't have worked.)

    5: Made sure I knew EVERY detail of his daily schedule "just in case you [I] want to come see me [him]--but don't tell your mom if you're coming over!!"

    6: Loved the Random Capitalization.

    7: Seemed to fancy himself a poet, with some of the flowery crap he closed his emails with.

    8: Bragged that he had enough money saved for "us" to live in a wealthy manner--blatantly false, of course. Dude currently lives in a shed with no power or running water. I am NOT joking.

    When I was a senior in high school, he mailed me an extremely graphic story he'd written about a very young woman losing her virginity to a much older, "experienced" male. I really wish I'd turned it into the police, but I was a dumb kid who knew nothing of the world at the time. I burned it instead.

    About the only differences between this post and my emails are that my creeper didn't want kids because he'd already had a few, and he usually writes "u" and "ur" instead of "you" and "your/you're." In fact, if it weren't for the hockey game mention, I'd be 99.99% convinced it's the same guy. Hey, "Michelle," this guy wouldn't happen to be from Alabama, would he?

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  29. This strikes me as a form letter he sends out to every woman he meets and gets an e-mail addy from.

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  30. Thanks to you and your clever wit I just burst out laughing in the meeting I sit bored to tears in. I am sure I look sane or at the minimum, highly focused. Panther-esque genital adventures is the funniest thing I have heard ALL day.

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  31. mr. mrs. fangfaceJuly 21, 2009 at 1:36 PM

    Translation:

    I have a very active fantasy life, but I don't have enough common sense to know which shit to keep to myself.

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  32. Ewh Ewh Ewh Ewh Ewh Ewh

    EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHH!

    Extra-special creepy with a slight religious flavor.

    *gags*

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  33. "attacking his pillow"
    *eyelid twitch*
    *backs away slowly*

    Too bad about the photos, though. I love to see good images of games I've enjoyed. And really too bad about the creeper getting her email.

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  34. Sounds like he's moving to the Philippines. lol

    Gotta love old guys with dementia.

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  35. This gives me the extreme "no" feeling. More like the "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" feeling.

    Look, old man, I'm sure you and lots of your old-man peers love younger women (and it means you're all disgustingly superficial). The feeling is hardly ever mutual. The sooner you learn this, the less misery and grossed-out-ness you will cause.

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  36. Thanks Weas... between this post and 'Old Cock' over on the other site Im not sure if I'l ever be normal again. I may have to go to years of therapy.

    Im so glad Im in my mid 40's and I have creeps like this to look forward too.... eeeewwwww I dont want to get any older! The men are way too creepy!

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  37. I seem to be an old creep magnet. These jackasses are either going deaf or demented, when you tell them to piss off they don't LEAVE and they keep you from meeting other nice guys your own age.
    There's always a cluster of old pervs around campus that are obviously only there to gawk at women and crowd them on the park benches.

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  38. Look at all these faggots criticizing older men for having a healthy sexual attraction like that's not natural. lol

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  39. eeewwww... I'm 25, and have recently signed up for a dating site. The ammount of email i get from the over 50 crowd is astonishing! fortunately nothing as creepy as that though. they get a polite no, and added to my block list.

    The current guy i'm talking to is 10 years older, and that's cool, but i'm not sure i could go much older then that!

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  40. I date an older guy and I think that gives other old men the impression I want them too. Some old men have what it takes to woo a younger woman. Most end up making making my skin crawl. Pillow humping isn't sexy at any age, but at 60 it is downright icky.

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  41. Kookaburra, uh yeah, I do get to decide what's creepy. Just like you get to decide what is. It isn't saying much but where I live this is fairly normal. Calm the fuck down. I'm not saying I don't like the post but come on, the circle jerk gets boring after a while.

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  42. If the dude didn't know how to spell "night", it was not a one-on-one intelligent conversation. Perhaps one-on-zero.

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  43. I'm fine with older men having fantasy lives and still feeling sexual attraction. I just wish more of them would realize that not all younger women want someone who's 30+ years older than themselves. It's always the creepy ones of any age group, of either gender, who ruin it for the rest of the populace.

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  44. I hate hugging that long body pillow every nite. The poor thing is probably pretty doggone tired of being attacked by me, in my dreams, every nite.

    My childhood dog was a pure-bred Cocker Spaniel, which my mother elected not to fix in case we decided to breed him. (Yeah, right. That dog was so badly trained there's no way we could have started a breeding business, but I digress.)

    That dog was randy. R-A-N-D-Y No decorative pillow in the house was safe from his advances. Eventually we threw all but one in the trash and kept the one locked up in a closet for when we needed a distraction or my friends and I wanted a laugh.

    My dog can't compare to this guy.

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  45. "I just wish more of them would realize that not all younger women want someone who's 30+ years older than themselves."
    Like they don't?

    "It's always the creepy ones of any age group, of either gender, who ruin it for the rest of the populace."
    A person's got to try before they give up.

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  46. Welcome back Weasel and thanks for spoiling us with two posts. Both are funny as always and creepy, of course! Creepy ol' man humping his pillow is going to give me nightmares tonight!
    -Helen

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  47. Lol at the anon comments. They in themselves make this blog worth reading - especially the tantrum from miss/mister anon at 6:19 am. If you don't like the blog or don't find it as interesting as it used to be, then here is some free advice, hon:

    Don't. Read. It.

    I don't think this blog couldn't be any better, personally. It's just what I need after a rough day with work, home, and - yep you guessed it, men.

    Good job as always, Weas.

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  48. I agree with some of the other commenters above, his first letter sounds weirdly canned.

    I can't wait for the trolls to accuse Michelle of leading him on.

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  49. To Hugh I say two things - Firstly, as someone whose age falls between you and Michelle, and thus knows how the definition of 'late night (nite?)' constantly erodes as you get older, I am particularly amused at your definition of putting off bedtime and staying up ...until 12.00. My son, a few years younger than Michelle, considers midnight to be early evening. Secondly, it's entirely natural to find youth and beauty sexually attractive - your primal brain never knows you're past it - the secret Hugh is to learn to keep this (and your pillow) to yourself.

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  50. So his entire imagined conversation with her, and subsequent interest in her because of it, are not creepy? Pull yourself together Anon.
    -UU

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  51. I could imagine finding a man in his 60s (I'm in my 20s) being attractive if he was polite, charming, and interesting (and looked like Harrison Ford).

    Describing your masturbatory habits and sexual fantasies in an introductory letter is pretty much the opposite of every one of those.

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  52. AAAUUGH.

    It's fine for a 60 year old man to think a woman 40 years younger than him is attractive. To feel as if they have a deep connection after sitting near each other at a hockey game and to announce that you're so desperately lonely that you don't like to go to sleep is fucking pathetic and skeevy.

    This email makes my skin crawl.

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  53. "I hate hugging that long body pillow every nite. The poor thing is probably pretty doggone tired of being attacked by me, in my dreams, every nite."

    I actually snorted with laughter when I read that part.

    I agree with the last commenter fully. It's okay to be attracted, but seriously? Talking about marriage and vasectomy reversals after just meeting once? At a hockey game? With limited conversation?

    I'm sorry, but ::ewwww::

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  54. "Pillow humping isn't sexy at any age, but at 60 it is downright icky."

    LOL Wonder if he watched the video of the group violation of the poor ottoman...I'm seeing a trend here...
    *gag*


    "Creepy ol' man humping his pillow is going to give me nightmares tonight"

    Well just think what that poor pillow gets to look forward to every night..oops nite...being dry humped and spooged on by some old pruney fart....EEWWWWW!!!!

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  55. I don't get the missionary part. Was he inviting her to go with him, or was it some kind of taunt?

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  56. LMAO @ "nose". I am torn between feeling disgusted and feeling pity for this guy. He sounds pathetic.

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