Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Laura is a single gal looking for love. She recently posted an ad on a popular dating site, and soon began conversing with a man named Keith.

Keith told Laura he was "mesmerized" by her smile, and she was exactly the type of woman he had been looking for. Although Laura found him a bit socially "off" and needy at first, she enjoyed his intellect and began to converse with him briefly over the next couple of nights.

Deep into the relationship (which would be the third night they IM'ed each other), Keith began to intrusively probe Laura about her past relationships. Laura hesitated in responding because she really didn't know Keith that well, or really at all for that matter. She was sensing an overwhelming neediness from Keith already, and felt pretty cautious about revealing anything about herself to him.

She told him a little information- her ex had left her and returned to his ex-girlfriend. He wanted to know if Laura would ever take her ex back, and she said no. Keith then began badgering Laura to meet him for coffee so he could start being clingy with her in person. Laura wasn't comfortable meeting Keith yet, and began dropping excuses like M&M's in a forest.

"I am willing to meet you with zero notice at any time this week," Keith told her before she signed off, revealing not only his obsessive personality, but also his apparent lack of hobbies, friends, and employment opportunities.

Their three-day online relationship, Laura decided, was over. In a matter of three days, Keith had transformed from a charming intellectual to a pathological and clingy little boy.

And the next morning, Laura had an email sitting in her inbox.

From Keith.

You decide.

A little overanxious after three nights of instant messages, perhaps?


I'm not sure that it would be very good for me at all if we started to get to know each other, and he returned and wanted to be with you; there has been enough terrible disappointment in my life in the last years already, and I would be disappointed, beyond words, because you are the kind of woman that excites me like no other, and I long for it more than I could ever say. I would love for you to see my bungalow, to show you my books, my signed Auden, make you a wonderful dinner.

More than that, though, is the almost unbearable silence and loneliness I live with. Please understand that I need to be with someone, to spend time together....I've had a few encounters that have remained completely online, and it ended up being quite painful, and it was better to withdraw from that...a prolonged hope of meeting someone, being together, is much worse, I've discovered, than simply dealing with being alone. (I know all there is to know about the crying game.) It sounds like the next month or two will make things hard for you - I understand that. It's OK -- we're just in different places. I hope you will understand how much I need, want, long for connection, for unruly Teslian arcs of mind-body discharge.

You're fantastic; if you would still like to talk and meet, I would love to hear from you. Someone wants to get together tomorrow afternoon for coffee, so I've decided to ahead with that -- no sign at all that she will be anywhere near as fun to talk with as you are, but then you're light years away from anyone I've talked with.

Thanks for understanding, When you typed LOL at my jokes -- I can't tell you how wonderful that felt; the Pompeiian ash broke off in chunks and it seemed I could move again.


"I believe I just dodged a bullet," Laura adds.

And PLFM agrees wholeheartedly.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. He gets points for using the correct "you're." There. I threw him a bone.

  3. you are the kind of woman that excites me like no other

    What, one that lives and breathes, behind her computer screen?

    I really dislike IM as a means of communication before you've actually met someone in person. It's simply too casual and within it too easy to presume familiarity.

    I know that humans are curious animals, but it did kill the cat and it will kill relationships that have had no chance to form. Terror that an ex will steal her back is reasonable if you're already in a relationship and she indicates that she wants the dude back. It's not reasonable if you've never met the girl.

  4. he used the word discharge. come on.

  5. He sounds like he's gotten words "psychiatrist" and "girlfriend" confused. Depression is highly treatable, but don't expect your girlfriend to do the counseling.

  6. The Beautiful Kind, may I take away the "you're" points for his run-on sentences and use of too many commas?

  7. Jeepers.
    After 3 IMs, I wouldn't tell a goldfish my past. That kid clearly had problems of the epic scale. Nice dodge, Laura!

  8. "When you typed LOL at my jokes -- I can't tell you how wonderful that felt; the Pompeiian ash broke off in chunks and it seemed I could move again."

    BEST . LINE. EVER!!!

  9. Aw, I don't think this guy belongs on PLFM. He's not vengeful and demanding. He's just pathetic and sad. I can't laugh at him or dislike him, though I pity him. Poor fuck. I do hope he finds help from an appropriate source.

  10. If only he weren't so needy, he sounds like he'd be okay. He sounds somewhat intelligent; either that or he was trying too hard. But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt in THAT arena.

  11. If only he had not started this crap until at least the 8th date, she might have found him IMMENSELY charming. I would think in that online predicament you ask as many questions as you can before meeting so you can weed out the weirdos. (ie: Ex is now creative landscaping in my back yard. or Ex is in prison for murdering my neighbor thinking we were having an affair, etc) I used to ask about the ex as casually as I could but I was introduced.

    Once I was fixed up with someone who was OH SO PERFECT FOR ME well, when asked about the ex he responded she was a crack addict. (WHAT?!) then later he proudly informed me he hadn't had any coke for EIGHT DAYS!! You know that move where you go to the ladies room and zip out to parking lot? YUP, did that... I didn't see any other way to get out of that. Truth be known, I don't know that he didn't mean coca cola but after all the other warning bells I heard, I spooked and ran!

  12. Good Dodge.

    He seemed too prying and clingy to me as well. If I wanted that I'd buy myself a roll of Saran Wrap and a crow bar.

    While he is on the prying side, there are those on the flip side. They tell you far more then you need to know, to early in.

    Somwhere in the middle is a happy medium. Finding it is another story.

  13. Carmen probably has a point. The man is a sad, commonplace tragedy, not a poster boy for sociopathy. It's not going to work out for him until he gets comfortable being by himself.

  14. In which the "P" in "PLFM" stands for "Pathetic".

    I agree with annasaurus - that is the greatest line ever. If PLFM had a "Most Memorable Line" award, this line would be a serious contender.

  15. I will once again point out the subtitle for the blog: The Psychotic. The Pathetic. The Bizarre.

    They don't all have to be demanding or vengeful. Pathetic qualifies. :)

  16. He quoted Boy George (the Crying Game theme)!!! Completely pathetic and deeply weird.

  17. This letter belongs here, because it features the same lack of awareness most others here do. While the people here may evaluate them differently, most of their authors are probably normal people (like this guy) who for whatever reasons--inexperience, incompetence, vulnerability--lack social savvy. This social deficiency becomes clear when they interact with a love interest (and fall painfully short of accomplishing whatever they intend). The way they handle compromising situations and emotional states is also far from smooth.

    If this guy knew a better way and knew his words delivered the impression of a fragile, needy, and altogether pathetic guy doing nothing worthwhile with his life, then he'd probably choose a different approach. We may have nothing left to criticize if guys like this knew or would learn how to inspire confidence and show their best selves.

  18. Someone need to sit him down and gently point out that he needs to obtain a backbone !! Stop being a doormat and expecting the worst to happen and stop looking for a girlfriend to lean on like an emotional crutch. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship.

    Had a date with probably the most conceited arse of a bloke I have ever had the misfortune to meet a few weeks ago. I was just waiting ( praying ! ) for the e-mail from him listing why I wasn't suitable but it didn't come. Shame, I was so looking forward to giving him both barrels !!!

  19. LOL.

    Weasel, I'll be awaiting your heartfelt, personal response to me any second now.

  20. This guy doesn't belong in the male gender. Yeesh.

  21. Kieth wrote: "When you typed LOL at my jokes -- I can't tell you how wonderful that felt; the Pompeiian ash broke off in chunks and it seemed I could move again"

    Say what?
    What if she's one of those people that puts LOL at the end of everything no matter what?

  22. He's not remarkable enough to be pathetic.

    His tragedy too commonplace for genuine pity; this fundamental inadequacy too pedestrian for contempt.

    A failed breeze, a weary zephyr. One more rotting bag for the patient dustie.

    Jump on board and let the sad volcano blow; we'll dance in Pompeiian ash until anything matters.

  23. Bellesouth,
    Don't put LOL at the end of your posts or Weasel will think you love him.

  24. The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. Most of them don't reveal their desperation so blatantly, but then he probably felt he could open up to this girl (after all, she LOLed at his joke).

    Bad choice, dude, she shared your deepest miserable yearnings with the interblogs.

  25. Luis -- damn. You're telling me that ALL guys are this selfish, self-absorbed, and pretentious, some of them just hide it better? Let's hope not!

  26. The author of this blog is an ass-clam. Nothing is wrong with Keith. He writes great things, and the wicked female dog thinks that no, she has to get someone perfect. Like she has dah pusssie and has choice, and that filth keith should stay away. NIIIIIIIIIIICE. The thing what you expect from a female dog.

  27. Poetic, impressive (SIGNED AUDEN OMGZ *poetrygasm*)...

    Fucking creepy after three days talking online. If this was after, like... six months talking online, maybe. I like his wordings (so sue me), and SERIOUSLY SIGNED AUDEN OMG SO COOL, but... gaah, creepy.