Thursday, March 12, 2009

OK Putrid

Can PLFM just make an open request right now?

Cancel your OK Cupid accounts.


Seriously, every time I open a "Letters From Men" email and it starts out with "I have a profile on OK Cupid, and ... ....", I just know it's going to be trouble.

It's never that the OK Cupid guy ended up "quirky" or a just a little too possessive on a date, it's usually something more like the guy routinely snacked on congealed squares of kitty litter stored in his sock, spent the entire date conversing with imaginary birds of prey, or insisted that you smell his infected hangnail over appetizers.

Liz has been on OK Cupid for so long that she actually collects the bizarre responses she receives from the amalgamation of chronic masturbators, earwax addicts and dentally challenged suitors vying for her affections. She recently received an email from Chris on OK Cupid, who found Liz particularly attractive and felt they were well-suited for each other.

Unfortunately, Liz didn't respond promptly, as she had already accepted a date request from another gentleman, and had gone on three dates with him.

One week later, Chris wrote again.

"I wrote to you a week ago. Did you get my message? Why didn't you write back?"

Liz didn't want to be a total bitch and completely ignore the guy, so she wrote him back a kind email explaining that she had met another gentleman and had already gone on three dates with him, and was interested in seeing where the relationship might go.

That was her very first correspondence with him.

Can you guess how he responded?


Chris immediately stopped snacking on dried earwigs, took the olives off his typing fingers, and fired off this congenial response.*

*(Somewhat edited for those of us that enjoy the activity of reading without the assistance of a Rosetta Stone.)

Take it away, Chris....


I dont give up easily!!!

If your on your 3rd date and he is very nice? NICE.

Nice is not good. A third date should be "hey he is great he is everything im looking for in a man."

NOT NICE!! You said it not me.

One more thing, if your not really looking too hard you wouldnt be on here you would be thinking and planning to be with him.

My opinion is your not THAT interested in him.

Call me jealous yes, but this is an outsiders view.

You wouldnt be on here if you were really in love with him. Your looking for something better dont lie. You dont even realize it. I know its tough not to check the site when your getting a ton of messages according to you. I would keep checking to if i was you.

Who knows, Richard Gere from pretty woman might message you.

In closing you know im right. Who else is going to be this honest with you!


Considering he's posted on OK Cupid, I think he took it pretty well.

Though I wouldn't exactly want to be an "eye of newt" in his apartment after this exchange.

The scary thing is, someone might eventually agree to go out with this guy.


  1. Alrighty then! I think Liz should definitely dump three date guy to go out with insanely jealous after no emails guy. He's definitely a winner. Heck, I've got a candidate who would love to go out with him sitting right behind me. Her name is Miss Fancy Pants and she's a cat in heat. She'd take anything right now.

    On that note, anyone want a cat who's in heat and doesn't have than damn spaying appt until two weeks from now?

  2. I guarantee you this new dude would be one of those premature-I-love-you types, too. Particularly since he imagines it only takes three dates to be sure that someone is everything she's looking for in a man...

    Of course if she had actually SAID that, he'd still be like "But you have a profile here!!"

    I always consider it a refreshing relief when people make it really obvious you shouldn't ever, ever date them. It's the subtle ones that usually know how to avoid crazy-signaling that you have to watch out for...

    (Hey Weasel, how come you have it set so we can anonymous post over on WWHM, but not here?)

  3. Desperate *and* deluededly overconfident. What a combination! xp

  4. Hey Chris! There isn't another guy! She's trying to let you down nicely. Come on now.

  5. I find it interesting that he's jealous and they've never even met. Makes me terrified to see what this idiot's like after meeting someone.

  6. OH dear! Poor rebel Julie. If anything can ruin a romantic streak in me, it's a cat baying it's dismay upon not being mated IMMEDIATELY. LOL

    You have my sympathies. Can you call the vet with her baying in the background to get appointment moved up? hehehe

  7. Um, he said "You wouldnt be on here if you were really in love with him. Your looking for something better dont lie."

    I would hope she's not in love with him after 3 dates? WOWSERS

    1. ive had guys who were totally complimenting me and talking up a storm and even wouldnt let me pay, disappear after the first or second date because of a lack of "spark." The men on okcupid seem to think there is some magical feeling that appears on the first date that will let you know if she is your soulmate and if it's not there, there is no use trying to get to know her. It's really upsetting.

  8. As nuts as this guy (and many other OK Cupiders) totally are, I met my partner there! Four years and joint home ownership, baby! He really is wonderful, no complaints, although I had to sift through a lot of kitty-litter crazies to get to him.

    Oh, wait- we're both incredible nerds/dorks (anyone else notice the Dr. from "Voyager" was the Dr. on "Chuck" this week?) and I scream in my sleep thanks to PTSD night terrors. So I guess we were also crazies to be avoided?

    I'll see if I have and e-mails saved from Mr. "I-Murdered-My-Dad-When-I-Was-14-And-Now-I-Need-Extra-Love." He was a winner.

  9. Well, usually it takes me about 3 dates to decide I want to marry someone and that I'm in love with them. that why things never work out?

  10. I have not heard of OK Cupid, but then I've been off the market for about 8 years now.

    Three dates and she should know he's the one?

    Hell, there's still things hubby and I are learning about each other. Even after 8 Fucking YEARS!

  11. A little-known fact masquerading as a lie is that I myself am responsible for over 9000 OK Cupid profiles, all of which redirect back to this website.

    Weasel, your first traffic invoice is in the mail. If you find yourself strapped I'm sure we can come to some "arrangement".

    Gingerbread kisses and unsolicited reacharounds.

  12. I met a couple of cool/nice guys on OKCupid. One I dated for several months, really liked him, then he broke up with me because he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Fair enough, and it was the most amicable break up one could wish for.

    A few months later, I was searching and his profile came up. I try not to judge, but if you don't want to be in a relationship, why do you have profiles on 2 (or more?) dating sites? I know, I know, sex. He was awesome in bed, at least.

    1. because he is lying. either to you, or to himself, or both. he wants a relationship, but he wants it with some ridiculous fantasy that doesnt exist. not with you

  13. Funny enough Okcupid is how persons I know have acquired a stalker.

    The guy who was in a fairly open relationship starting meeting with this woman he met on there, she seemed really cool so things happened. However, he felt more for the person he was already with and "cool" woman was starting to cling too hard for a friendship (at 2 months two) so he tried to knock it out. Now the okcupid woman is actively stocking the guys initial girlfriend, she had been sending her threatening/bizarre emails (going from saying the bf was really with okcupid woman that they were close to being engaged, that she was going to try to meet with the gf, putting down her age, trying to make the gf feel sorry for her because she's suffered a disease etc etc) until the gf set up a filter. (maybe I'll direct the gf to sending some of those emails to here)

    Okcupid woman has also been threatening the guy with accusing him of rape and abuse despite him never laying a finger on her. He's apologized up and down to her for misleading her however she either continues to threaten him or try to get him to "take her back".

    Fun little roller coaster.

  14. oh sorry for typo demons :p

    Stalking* too*

  15. Dear Chris,

    I'm sorry - you've hit upon an uncontrollable compulsion of mine. I cannot date anyone who does not use proper punctuation, spelling and grammar in writing.

    People with this flaw who have expressed interest in my cause uncontrollably vomiting spells. I know, it is indeed rough. It's a carry-over from childhood trauma.

    There's nothing I can do.



  16. Wow, I guess there are nutters everywhere! I actually met my boyfriend/love-of-my-life/future father of my children on OKCupid. I had only been on there for 3 days and he'd been on there a week, so neither of us had much time to have to weasel out nutters. So I kind of have a fondness for the site, though sympathise with others' experiences with it...

    And yes, this guy is a scary, jealous dude. eww.

  17. For laughs I used to frequent IRC chat rooms way back well (LoveSingles or whatever the name was). It used to be a riot, lots of geeks and so on. This was years ago. Then for laughs I decided to check it out again not long ago. Horrible, no one could write english properly, rather than witty chat games, it was purely carnal weirdos looking for online sex and asking if you had a camera. Worse yet, a lot of people from the middle east were on, egyptians, arabians, and so on. I was shocked that these very religious folks were on the line! The worst was the internet shorthand everyone used. I mean writing LOL or ROTFLMAO or something is ok, but when the sentences look like: i c u tomaro ok? Call it elitist or whatever, but talk about vaginas shrivelling up and running away!

  18. So many missed apostrophes. So many. And Weas, you say you fixed it up for readability?? Yeesh.

    Unfortunately for Miss Fancy Pants, spaying while in heat increases the already extant risk of surgery with a risk of haemhorrage. In two weeks she won't be in heat any longer and it will be safe.

    In the interim, gently wet her all over--use a sponge, don't stress her out more by dunking her. Cleaning/drying herself will cause her considerable distraction and will give you at least some time without the constant crying. It's how I dealt with one of mine when she was in heat, and it worked like a dream.

  19. I joined OKCupid 6 years ago just to take the stupid quizzes they have, and didn't realize that I'd joined a for-real dating site until I got the "Update your profile!" auto-emails. Seeing as how I'm voluntarily single and off-the-market, I just ignored them and left my profile as blank as an untattooed bum. I probably have messages from creepy guys but I'll never know about them. I can't even remember my password.

  20. Is it just me or is OK Cupid, just waaaay too close to OK Stupid?

    That should be like, The neon flashing *Warning* sign you are about to enter somewhere you probably don't want to go.

  21. I love the random shit I get on OKCupid. I've met some nice guys, but no chemistry or anything... I need to meet new people somehow, and this stop-gap measure helps some. Sometimes I get weirdos with marriage proposals, but sometimes I get nice little notes like one this morning; "Just had to write that it's awesome you're 24 and in the PhD process already." Guy's totally not my type (and has a child) but it was a good opening line.

    Better than Craigslist, right? LOL

  22. I just made an account less than an hour ago, out of morbid curiosity..

    and, after less than an hour, my profile isnt even COMPLETE yet, and someone already IMed me asking if I'd like to watch him jerk off.

    No...but thanks for asking, I guess.

  23. "Chris immediately stopped snacking on dried earwigs, took the olives off his typing fingers, and fired off this congenial response."

    omg pure gold! the imagery... i keep cracking up! thanks weasel :)

    btw, i met a dude on okcupid and while he may be quirkier and more shy than guys i tend to date, we've been enjoying each other's company for about four months now... if things go sour you know i'll be sending you the psychotic correspondence!

  24. Liz said...
    I just made an account less than an hour ago, out of morbid curiosity..

    and, after less than an hour, my profile isnt even COMPLETE yet, and someone already IMed me asking if I'd like to watch him jerk off.

    LMFAO!!! Now I'm curious about that damn site!! I'm all for insulting morons like that and sounds like I would have a VERY large playground to work with.

  25. Check out online dating website focused on long term compatibility

  26. I'm to curious I may just have to make a profile and see what I can catch

  27. >>I'll see if I have and e-mails saved from Mr. "I-Murdered-My-Dad-When-I-Was-14-And-Now-I-Need-Extra-Love." He was a winner.<<

    I hope you do! That sounds perfect for this site (and I'm so glad you avoided him!)

  28. Don't bash OKC TOO much. I have an account there, although I've disabled it now, and I've met several awesome people there. Some friends, but also my current boyfriend.

    It's rare that you meet someone TOTALLY normal on there, but minor quirks are what make people interesting. I've met plenty of sensible, like-minded and slightly off-kilter nerds.

    BUT you also get a lot of creepers. I'm 19, and get plenty of 40-50 year olds messaging me with purely sexual requests.... and back when OKC's instant messenger had video enabled, I was greeted several times by much older men jerking off and asking me if I "like it."

    There are creepers anywhere -- you'll meet the same kind of people in a bar in person.

  29. Also, now OKC has a filter for who can send you instant messages (I just turn the stupid thing off - this cuts down greatly on idiots) as well as 'greying out' regular messages from users outside of your parameters.

    It's hard to meet 'normal'-ish people anywhere, let alone the mythical "totally normal" person

  30. Oh god, this made me feel better - I've met some decent people on OK Cupid, but you can never tell when one of them's going to turn.

    I just blocked a weirdo who I had IM'ed for maybe ten minutes. I decided I wasn't interested, and let him know - I believe politely. I then ignored his message requests over the next three days, before finally responding in order to make clear whatever he wanted made clear. The conversation ended when he told me that I was a bitch, and that I irritated him so much he wanted to strangle me. Which I suggested might not be the best way to handle women in future.

    Oddly enough, I kind of find this mentality fascinating. What was he trying to accomplish? Obviously calling me a bitch wasn't going to win me back or whatever, so was he trying to get the upper hand, or just let off steam? It's a mystery.

  31. I admit, I love the freak show that is OKC. I also admit, I met my husband there. He had a really boring profile, except that last bit where you list something weird about yourself...his was so odd that I had to message him to ask "What the hell is wrong with you?" (I said it in a much more tactful manner though) it turned into a charming email exchange, and led to a date a couple of weeks later, and now I have a husband... but I really just wanted to know why he puts salt in his lemonade. Freak.

  32. Had a profile on OKC (just for the quizes! of course, of course). I was not opposed to meeting interesting people to chat with online while at work, to specify this, I wrote "looking for strickly FRIENDS". Apparently, even though they've found their way to the site, created some sort of demented profile involving WORDS, it's always the creepos that can't read. (maybe that's part of why they're creepos....)
    So I started chatting with one guy, and as far as I was concerned, it was an amusing diversion. After a few weeks of IMing, he does the "word fight" ie, "tackles you across the room" and "hits you on the head with a pellow" type thing. He started throwing in words like "love" and getting coffee. I said "...what part of ONLY LOOKING FOR FRIENDS did you fail to comprehend?"
    Him: Oh, I just thought we had such a connection
    read: I'm so special and wonderful, I just KNEW your paltry rules didn't apply to ME!
    Ugg...blocked him completely, closed the account, never going back!

  33. I have a personal ad I'll post on C-List once in a while... it blows my mind how many creepy, idiotic responses I get- like, within 5 minutes! The best was one I got where the guy said he 'couldn't care less' about something really important to me in a guy (feminism!:))... what the fuck, was I supposed to respond to that or something?... the scum just oozes out of the internet woodwork...

  34. feminism = scum. Oh yes. The mighty Allah did not teach you that.

  35. I met my husband of two years (and counting) on OKC - and there's not so much as a suspicious scratch on him. We had both been on there for awhile and experienced our own collection of narcissists, liars and nutbags.

    Seriously though, dude up there? What a boob.

  36. This reminds me of a guy who contacted me when I had a MySpace account. It said on my profile, plain as day, that I was married - but we chatted for a while. He seemed nice, we had a good conversation about nothing for about 20 minutes or so. I believe it was a Friday night and he asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I replied that my husband and I were going to do something-or-other... Suddenly chat guy started freaking out and typing in all caps - effectively 'screaming' that I had been "leading him on" and that I was "wasting his time" in looking for a relationship. He called me every name in the book for trying to seduce him while I already had a man already. He went on and on about how completely unfair that was. I didn't suggest he do some preliminary research before he chose his next 'victim', only because it would have interrupted his poor-me rant.

  37. Its really not that difficult to read women. You just follow their lead and give them exactly what they want from you. Don't waste your time with women who do not match you on some level, or try to match and mirror them if you feel that its possible and that it would feel good to you. Within a second you know exactly what you think about someone.

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