Monday, March 9, 2009

The Rebound

Lynn had just gone through a horrible break-up with a man she loved dearly.

Destitute and depressed, Lynn realized she eventually had to uncurl from the fetal position, crawl out of the clothes hamper, and try to maintain somewhat of a normal life despite losing the man of her dreams.

Coated with a thick sheen of ice cream cartons and wrappers flung from high-calorie snack items, Lynn headed for the shower, cleaned herself up, and found herself a party to go to.

Now, a lot of us, myself included, make the mistake of running out after a break-up in an attempt to find someone to replace the person we have just lost. We commonly call this unsuspecting mark a "rebound."

And oh, what a fucking terrible job they have.

We use the rebound to make us feel better about ourselves, we use the rebound to listen to us complain about our recent break-up, and in some cases, if they're lucky, we'll even use a rebound to get laid. While the rebound might enjoy the sex, for us it's more like trying to figure out how to drive someone else's car.

So anyway Lynn's heading out to this party determined to have a good time. After a couple glasses of wine and a few whacks at the pinata, in walks Ron, a man she had met recently in passing. Now, Ron is completely not Lynn's type, but we must remember the equation we are working with at this point:

Lynn + Large Quantities of Wine + Recent Break-up = Ahhhh, Who Gives a Flying Fuck?

So Ron starts flirting with Lynn, and Lynn somewhat accepts the overtures despite the fact that she finds Ron a bit preposterous. She describes him as an overly pretentious musician- the type who takes himself way too seriously, and constantly refers to himself as a "musical composer" rather than a musician.

Because apparently, there's a difference.

Lynn sums up his musical talent as follows: "It sucks."

Anyway, Ron asks Lynn out for coffee, and in her drunken state Lynn was momentarily flattered by his proposition. She accepted, and later that week they met for coffee. Surprisingly, Lynn ended up having a fantastic time. So fantastic, in fact, that she decided to see him again!

We have ourselves a rebound folks. Book it.

And then... ... .. well. Here we go.

This is why rebounds never last.

Ron the superior intellectual musician who knows way more totally obscure bands than you do, began to talk to Lynn in a really condescending tone all the time. And the sex was horrible.

Not only did he constantly ask her if he was the best she had ever had in bed, but he asked it during the sexual act itself. The fact that she actually heard him ask the question might point us to the correct answer of that question, no?

Adds Lynn: "Note to guys: never ask a woman if it's the best they've ever had. If you have to ask, it isn't. If you're asking during the act itself, it really isn't. If the "Uhhhh..." response is the first noise she's made the whole time, then it really REALLY isn't."

Well put, Lynn. You're the best explanation I've ever had.

Bad sex aside, Lynn found him tolerable for a couple more weeks until Ron started throwing out the premature "I love you's," followed closely by an absolutely serious marriage proposal after three weeks of less-than-casual dating.

"Like any reasonable woman, I bounded into the night like a frightened deer," Lynn says.

But was Ron done with Lynn?

Would this be "Psychotic Letters From Men" if he was?

Of course not.

So tortured was Ron after three weeks of a lukewarm, semi-casual, completely unserious relationship, Ron immediately fired off a missive to Lynn.

Take it away, Ron.

Lynn,

I sit here writing this completely at a loss. Was I not good to you? Did I not worship you? I thought that you were different from whores past, but my heart is truly broken that I may have been wrong. All I wanted was to give you the world, to watch you bear my children, to die together. I thought that you felt the same. Those nights listening to you breathe next to me gave me singular joy like none I’ve ever known on this earth. And now it’s all gone.

You have broken my heart. And all because you “don’t feel it”. You felt it enough to go out with me. You felt it enough to lead me on. You felt it enough to add me to your collection of men you’ve shared a bed with. You used me and threw me away, and for what? For some dick who doesn’t see who you really are?

I thought you were the one, the woman I was meant to share my life with. I thought you understood me. And now I understand that I should have seen right through you from the beginning.

Know this: Every song I write from now on, every note my guitar screams, will be for you. One day you’ll see me on-stage, pouring my heart into the music, and you’ll know that every tortured note is all because of the lies and deception of a whore.

I will think of you fondly, and I will always be here if you need me. I don’t feel we have anything further to talk about.

Goodbye.

Ron

"I will think of you fondly?"

Is that before, during or after you call her a whore three times?

Anyway, so goes the plight of the rebound. They never know they're the rebound until it's too late. But Ron, seriously, you can't help but blame yourself. You honestly sound like a complete jackass, and next time you fall in love (next week or so), you may want to hold off on the marriage proposals until the fourth or fifth week at the earliest.

We've all been the rebound and used the rebound, so feel free to share a rebound story in the comments.

48 comments:

  1. What is it with men who will fuck anything and then call a woman a whore for no longer wanting to fuck them?

    Plus, his dreaming about their future is creepy--especially the part where it's "we meet, you bear my children, we die". Yeesh.

    I have never been so lucky as to meet a non-pretentious "musical composer". Now, the hot concertmaster in our local symphony orchestra, he's another matter altogether...

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  2. Ah yes, the old stalwart of calling a woman a whore in an attempt to win her back... always effective.

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  3. >"I will think of you fondly?"
    >Is that before, during or after you call her a >whore three times?

    Clearly, there is only one logical explanation - Ron is fond of whores!

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  4. I think my uterus just wimpered and shriveled up.

    "Watch you bear my children" is NEVER a way to a woman's heart.

    Now call her a whore repeatedly...

    I sure hope he has a great relationship with his hand.

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  5. Poor Ron, all the social skills of a cataonic sloth and he wonders why she ran, because of course the way to my heart is to repeatedly call me a whore.

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  6. "... the lies and deception of a whore. I will think of you fondly..."

    Lawl.

    Man, whether he was a rebound or not is irrelevant compared to what a catch he isn't. Egads.

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  7. I've always wanted a man who will watch me bear his children! And not just to add to my men-I've-slept-with collection, either!

    Also..if your guitar screams, ur doin it rong.

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  8. Well, when my boyfriend and I broke up after four years I decided to date my farrier.

    All horse people are laughing now. The farrier is the guy that trims horse hooves and put's shoes on.

    They are usually attractive somehow, funny, good with a horse but super duper undatable. Super duper. Usually because they have a habit of playing around too much.

    This guy was different. He promised me free trims for the rest of my life until I broke it off with him. This was 4 years ago and he still hates me. There is real malice.

    I couldn't keep seeing him because he was living at home with his parents and once asked what the word obnoxious meant. He also called me every single day, at least two or three times. My roommate was appalled.

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  9. Oh that dude has "madonna/whore" syndrome so bad, he's not even functional.

    And I've said this before.. There's no bigger whore than the one that won't sleep with you (again)

    = )

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  10. After dating a man for two years whom I really thought, at one point, was going to be 'The One', things fell apart, I moved out on my own, and immediately started casually dating the maintenance guy at the casino/hotel where I work.

    That's right kids, I was shitting right where I eat. I blame the uniform. And the tool belt.

    Anyway, after three weeks and three dates, I decided the sex, while frigging amazing, wasn't enough to justify being told I was an alcoholic (I enjoy a beer at the end of my workday) and fat (I'm 5'7" and 135 lbs). I broke it off.

    The death glares I now receive at work could freeze Hades. Let's not even get into the horrifically awkward lunch hour.

    Oh, what's that? Room 617's TV isn't working?

    Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your hands and feet securely inside the car, the rollercoaster is about to start....

    BOLLOCKS! WHY DID I HAVE TO SHIT WHERE I EAT!? WHYYYYYYYY?!

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  11. This whole whore/slut thing is driving me crazy. Every guy here calls every girl here a whore or a slut for not wanting to sleep with them anymore. My logic follows as such that NOT sleeping with someone makes you LESS of a whore...but what do I know.

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  12. It finally dawned on me that the moniker "whore" contains the idea that the woman has no loyalty, as indeed an actual whore has no loyalty, since she's all about the money. (and I'm not slamming that, to be clear. A lady's got to put bacon in her skillet somehow.) That's why she's a whore when she refuses to sleep with him -- he perceives her as being disloyal.

    But this only makes Ron look MORE pathetic. How could anyone imagine that a lifetime's worth of true loyalty could arise from 3 weeks of casual dating? What a sad little man.

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  13. This has to be some sort of elaborate troll. I can't believe any of it. Nobody could write this with a straight, uh, keyboard:

    "Know this: Every song I write from now on, every note my guitar screams, will be for you. One day you’ll see me on-stage, pouring my heart into the music, and you’ll know that every tortured note is all because of the lies and deception of a whore."

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  14. ^^ I agree with the two comments above. It's so clichéd and histrionic, that it's hilarious.

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  15. Oh dear, why is it everytime a woman sleeps with a guy casually they get the wedding disease after three weeks. It's like they just KNOW you aren't into them, and freaking think THIS IS THE ONE!

    About the farrier, thank GOODNESS mine is about 70 years old and about as attractive as the swedish chef.

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  16. Sorry the "they" refers to the "guys."

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  17. I like to use the word "whore" as an equal opportunity word; I don't ever say "man-whore" to describe a man. I mean, why do we have to qualify it that way? That annoys me more than than the overuse of the word itself (it's not a word I particularly like). In fact, I think I use it more-often to refer to men than I do to women, but that might just be because I know more men deserving of the word. Or I'm gender-biased.

    Seriously, can anybody explain the difference, at least as they see it, between "whore" and "man-whore" to me? I've never understood it. If they mean the same thing, why not just use the same word?

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  18. I'm tickled that this showed up so soon. :D

    As for how it can't be real... I only wish it weren't. I opened it and must have stared slack-jawed at the screen for five minutes. I figured he was a bit off and dramatic, as comes with being a "composer" and "a working artist", but crazy on this level never occurred to me. Good thing I didn't accept that marriage proposal, since I figure his vows would have been just as creepy.

    By the way, I heard through the grapevine that he wound up moving in with the next girl he dated. As for me, I'm happily dating a guy who isn't insane and doesn't call me a whore (except for when I expressly ask).

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  19. I hope this isn't the same Lynn who dated the loser pothead a few posts back? If not, that's a more common name than I originally thought and if so...wow, she has bad taste and I hope she takes a time-out from the dating scene to re-evaluate some priorities!

    And if Ron's music is as bad as she says, I doubt Lynn will be headed to any bars he frequents. There's good music, good bar music, bad music and then there's just all-around shitty bar music.

    And the thing with the farrier made me laugh. I visited an equitation school in WV to see if I wanted to go there and they had a farrier program...they had some nice-looking men working hard on those hooves :p (I decided to not go, it was cool but not something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life!)

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  20. Viatecio,

    No, different Lynn. Mine is my middle name. :)

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  21. Nothing wrong with dating a farrier... :)

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  22. My farrier is married, but still looking mighty fine and might fine in them wranglers!! :)

    "and I will always be here if you need me. I don’t feel we have anything further to talk about."

    WTF???!!! This guy can't quit contradicting himself at all!!

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  23. I've never used a rebound guy or girl, (I find it kind of pathetic that people need to have someone plugging them constantly), but yeah, guys just love to throw the word whore around even if the girl has only had two boyfriends in her entire life. This guy is sadly way too typical.

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  24. You used me and threw me away, and for what? For some dick who doesn’t see who you really are?

    Ahhh... I think there may be more to the story than Lynn revealed. This comment makes it seem as if Lynn met someone better as she fled into the night away from the overly ardent Ron. Mayhaps she rebounded from the rebound (excellent idea, Lynn, as it virtually ensures another letter for this site).

    Ron's clearly a psycho dipshit, but if he was spurned, it explains a little of the "you're a whore but still I love you," elements of his letter. Explains it, but doesn't excuse the psycho-ness of it.

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  25. EveryoneThinksThey'reGoodDrivers said...

    Well, when my boyfriend and I broke up after four years I decided to date my farrier.
    ---------------
    Farriers are hard to come by. There's probably a number of women out there reading this with a light bulb that has just gone off over their heads. The light bulb says, "You mean you can have sex with a farrier for free trims? Why didn't I think of that."

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  26. Seriously, can anybody explain the difference, at least as they see it, between "whore" and "man-whore" to me? I've never understood it. If they mean the same thing, why not just use the same word?
    ----------

    There isn't a difference. The "man-" is add so that you know that you are talking about a man. Sometimes "man-whore" is used simply because it sound great.

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  27. Whores are awesome. This guy has great taste. And so does Lynn, for DESTROYING HIS FRAGILE MUSICAL SOUL BWAH HA HA!!!

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  28. Someone's watched the "to the pain" scene from The Princess Bride too often. ("Know this"? WTF?)
    Listen, only Westley can pull that off and look dashing and sexy. Douche.
    Why do people suck? ugh.

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  29. Good point Dani.

    I feel if you are going to call someone a whore, you have had sex with them and you should now pay them for their time. Be sure to tip them extra for putting up with your sorry ass too.

    Rebounds can be a good thing. Afterall, once you are out of your first relationship, isn't everything after that pretty much just moving from one rebound to another? Unless of course there are extended dry spells in between.

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  30. Geez... What a putz!

    I had a pretty retarded rebound at the end of last year. I had had my heart utterly broken in September and when I finally crawled out of my dazed stupor I embraced the old adage of 'the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone'. I shacked up with a couple of guys until I started feeling something other than heartache.

    I met this guy at my friend's birthday party and he was cute and we ended up hooking up. For a week. He was a charming motherfucker, but a complete and total pretentious douchebag. I looked past his douchebaggery BECAUSE he was kind of fun to be with, and funny at times. Put it this way - his charm alone made up for the fact that his house seemed to simply be CONSTRUCTED out of cockroaches and I could smell his dick (a scent that 'charmingly' reminded me of month-old milk poured into the carcass of roadkill rotting in the sun) from a foot away in his pants. And his sexual technique consisted of looking silently pained before crying out like a toddler stepping on a nail when he ejaculated. Yes, this motherfucker was terrifyingly charming.

    Anyhow, we "dated" for a week, which consisted of him taking me out and planning events with me and talking of meeting my parents and so on. I enjoyed it for the time being, knowing it wouldn't be anything really tong term or serious and enjoyed being spoiled, which I really needed at the time. We attended a concert together, which was fun, and afterwards we hung out with a couple of our mutual friends until the wee hours of the morning. As we said our goodbyes he asked if I would have lunch with him the following day and I agreed.

    The next day we get together at some tea place and spend about 3 hours there. The whole time we are conversing he is holding my hands, gazing into my eyes and making plans with me for the next several weeks. After lunch we walk outside and he turns and looks at me and says, "this isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship, so let's just be friends. I'll talk to you later!" and leaves.

    WTF?

    Later he posts in his journal about how he thought *I* was getting too serious. Really, guy? I hate to burst your little bubble, but I probably would have said the same thing after enduring another week of your unwarranted snobbery and pretension. Hell, I was ready to say it 3 days in, but I wasn't about to throw away a free ticket to see my favourite band and some mild pampering in the interim.

    Shortly after losing that jackass I met a wonderful guy and we've been together for a couple of months now, he treats me well and ISN'T a pretentious asshat. *phew!* :)

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    Replies
    1. Wow, "Angulique"...are we a little bitter? You're projecting it pretty fucking hard.

      Delete
  31. My dad's a musician, and he's probably been a musician since before this guy was born. He also happens to be a composer, it's what he went to school for. He is not, however, a "Musical composer" but he does enjoy making fun of those who "are."
    My father, who is in his fifties, heading into his sixties, STILL has fan girls (and boys). He can play the guitar with his teeth. He'd eat guys like this for breakfast, if only he ate breakfast.

    This is why I always want to punch these pretentious asshat "musicians" (the ones like Ron, here) in the face. ESPECIALLY if they "play" the guitar.

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  32. Ron wrote: "watch you bear my children"

    Yeah. From a CFBC woman that would earn him a crowbar between the eyes. What a machismo baby-machine-wanting asshole.

    Obviously Lynn insulted his (tiny) dick and since he obviously thinks with it, Lynn insulted the rest of Ron.

    Go Lynn!

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  33. All I wanted was to give you the world, to watch you bear my children, to die together.

    brb, screaming forever

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  34. Totally agree with Ron.

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  35. awdrey-gore: Or maybe she just mentioned that she wasn't really over her ex when she broke it off with Ron - and gave it as a reason that she didn't want to see him (Ron) anymore. "I'm not ready for something serious/new because I'm not over my ex" is a perfectly valid reason to break up (if you need a valid reason to break up, IMO 'I don't want to be with you anymore' is reason enough).

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  36. This story and the reactions just confirm my view that too many women lack a sense of honor and certain codes of conduct to really be considered equal to men in society.

    Ok, so his letter is really embarrassing, but I have yet to read a "you broke my heart" - letter that isn't.

    But fact here is that she used the guy to mend her own heart, and broke his along the way. Now, is that fair? Is it then so horrible of him to call her a whore? I know I'd be called an asshole if I did the same.

    You see, me being a man and all, cannot treat women in this way without suffering the scorn of society and my own sense of right and wrong. It's a question of honor, you don't screw people over and you're always honest. Simple as that.

    It's funny, cause I see many of my female friends treat their male encounters in the same way as described in this story. I've seen guys being treated like such piles of garbage that I think I'd be seriously heartbroken if it happened to me.

    And the worst thing is that everyone seems to think it's ok when women do it. So when I bring up my point of view and say something like "how can you expect being given equal opportunities in society if this is how you treat people and this is how you solve problems" then I'm suddenly the male shovenist bastard?

    I just don't get it...

    Read another story on here too about some guy who was obviously slightly retarded, fell in love with a girl at work, sent her a love-letter and she got him fired for sexual harrasment. Now imagine me doing that to some slightly retarded girl who could probably never land another job again in her life....I'd be a complete asshole.

    Gotta say, I think women may have been given their rights a bit prematurely.

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    Replies
    1. And you're a pretentious pig. WOMEN lack honor? Human beings lack honor, jackass. Just because this blog chooses to focus on the wrongs that men do does not mean that human beings as a whole don't do this to each other every day. It doesn't make one sex better or worst than the other. It makes you a jaded idiot that obviously got dumped and is not taking it out on the entirety of the female sex. Classy and honorable, to be sure.

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  37. *Chauvinist. Also, any man who takes three weeks of casual dating and turns it into "I want to marry you and give you my children" is unhinged. Run away, Lynn. Quickly.

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  38. uh.... why do losers like to call girls whores when they DONT want sex? logic? nty im good with being a chauvinistic pig

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  43. A friend of mine just separated from her bf of a few years (who had a nice job, nice house and was willing to provide for her) for a guy she met in passing at a bar (almost the same scenario as above). Only thing is this new guy has 4 kids from 2 different baby mamas. And she doesn't want any kids (almost least coming from her) Her friends and I know it's not going to last because every two to three months a different friend with benefits comes along. But her choice , not ours. It will crumble.

    ReplyDelete