OK. This Is Fucked Up.

Kelly is one happy girl.

She has a fantastic job which allows her to travel, she has great friends, and she has a wonderful and close relationship with her family.

She's one of those women you see walking alone down the street after work with a huge smile on her face, and you can only mutter to yourself "What in the hell is that crazy woman smiling about?"

She's not crazy. She's that happy.

Her life is a 24-hour tampon commercial.

How could we screw this one up?

Cue Matthew.

Kelly has known Matthew for a long time through one of those friend-of-a-friend type things. They were just casual acquaintances, and nothing had ever transpired between them.

Yet.

So Matthew lives in a another city. One day, Kelly discovers her employer needs to send her on a trip to the same far-off city where Matthew happens to live.

Kelly's days in the far-off city were dedicated to work, but she had no plans for the evenings, aside from smiling a lot, doing some skipping, and singing a few duets about friendship with the wide variety of cartoon birds that regularly landed on her shoulders.

So Kelly decided to meet with Matthew after work for a few drinks and some karaoke.

And let's just say Kelly got a little bit out of hand at karaoke.

In fact, it got so out-of-hand that the only thing not out-of-hand was Matthew's penis, which somehow ended up in her hand. And from there, it ended up somewhere else completely unrelated to her hand.

Oh, well. Shit happens, right? No harm, no foul.

Kelly went back to her city only to discover that her employer now wanted Kelly to permanently move to the city where Matthew lived. Says Kelly:

"In my young, carefree way, I took the opportunity!"

Yeah, I don't know what she snorts, but I need a fucking wheelbarrow full of it.

Anyway, Kelly moved to the big new city. Matthew finds out Kelly moved, and suddenly convinces himself that Kelly moved because she wants to be with Matthew.

Which she doesn't. She has no interest in him. At all.

Matthew starts texting Kelly all the time to see if she moved because of him. Kelly tells him "no".

Matthew doesn't like that answer, so he just repeats the question in another text. And many other questions related to the first question. Along with questions not related to the first question, such as re-kindling the relationship that never existed, and how he liked those certain places that had nothing to do with her hand.

In fact Matthew became an incredible nuisance, so much so that Kelly's unbreakable smile finally started to fade. And, surely somewhere, a tear rolled down a baby bunny's cheek.

Kelly finally got so fucking sick of Matthew's stalkerish texts and his ridiculous insinuations that Kelly moved there to be with him that she finally decided to put an end to the relationship that had never even been a relationship in the first place.

Ever bubbly Kelly finally snapped, and broke out some serious motherfucking haiku for Matthew's ass, telling him in no uncertain terms to ...

"Pull your head out of your fucking ass and go annoy someone else!"

Matthew finally got the picture.

Did I mention this was over the holidays?

It was over the holidays.

So Christmas morning rolls around, and one of Kelly's family members calls her in a complete and utter panic. "Are you OK? Is everything alright?"

Of course everything was alright. It was Christmas morning. Why wouldn't everything be alright?

Then another family member calls her in a panic with the same question. And then another.

Finally, Kelly figured out what was going on.

Turns out Matthew had a little Christmas present for Kelly's family.

On Christmas morning, Matthew sent the following completely fabricated email to Kelly's father:

I'm seriously worried about Kelly.

On the 22nd she sent me texts like:

'It's been fun. Take care. Love you.'

'My phone is almost dead, ironically.'

'Text from the other side! Phone out of battery, going to sleep, take care.'

Okay so naturally I was pretty confused and a little worried about this kinda shit. It kinda sounded like a bluff, you know almost a cry for attention sort of thing.

But I didnt hear from her for a while so I started to get worried again. I texted her the next day and she told me she'd tried to slit her wrists in the night but hadn't been successful...I'm really concerned.

I'm not sure how she is now, but seriously something is up, she needs help.

Matthew had been doing a little digging into Kelly's family during the holidays, and somehow found her father's email address.

And just to brighten the family mood on Christmas morning, Matthew decided to insinuate that Kelly had tried to kill herself.

Kelly assures me that the email is complete and total fabricated fucking bullshit. "I've never been depressed in my life," she says.

Are we done yet?

Of course not.

Kelly got another text from Matthew one month later.

"Hey, are you still mad at me? Do you want to get together and catch up?"

Yeah.

Seriously.