Friday, March 27, 2009

OK. This Is Fucked Up.

Kelly is one happy girl.

She has a fantastic job which allows her to travel, she has great friends, and she has a wonderful and close relationship with her family.

She's one of those women you see walking alone down the street after work with a huge smile on her face, and you can only mutter to yourself "What in the hell is that crazy woman smiling about?"

She's not crazy. She's that happy.

Her life is a 24-hour tampon commercial.

How could we screw this one up?

Cue Matthew.

Kelly has known Matthew for a long time through one of those friend-of-a-friend type things. They were just casual acquaintances, and nothing had ever transpired between them.

Yet.

So Matthew lives in a another city. One day, Kelly discovers her employer needs to send her on a trip to the same far-off city where Matthew happens to live.

Kelly's days in the far-off city were dedicated to work, but she had no plans for the evenings, aside from smiling a lot, doing some skipping, and singing a few duets about friendship with the wide variety of cartoon birds that regularly landed on her shoulders.

So Kelly decided to meet with Matthew after work for a few drinks and some karaoke.

And let's just say Kelly got a little bit out of hand at karaoke.

In fact, it got so out-of-hand that the only thing not out-of-hand was Matthew's penis, which somehow ended up in her hand. And from there, it ended up somewhere else completely unrelated to her hand.

Oh, well. Shit happens, right? No harm, no foul.

Kelly went back to her city only to discover that her employer now wanted Kelly to permanently move to the city where Matthew lived. Says Kelly:

"In my young, carefree way, I took the opportunity!"

Yeah, I don't know what she snorts, but I need a fucking wheelbarrow full of it.

Anyway, Kelly moved to the big new city. Matthew finds out Kelly moved, and suddenly convinces himself that Kelly moved because she wants to be with Matthew.

Which she doesn't. She has no interest in him. At all.

Matthew starts texting Kelly all the time to see if she moved because of him. Kelly tells him "no".

Matthew doesn't like that answer, so he just repeats the question in another text. And many other questions related to the first question. Along with questions not related to the first question, such as re-kindling the relationship that never existed, and how he liked those certain places that had nothing to do with her hand.

In fact Matthew became an incredible nuisance, so much so that Kelly's unbreakable smile finally started to fade. And, surely somewhere, a tear rolled down a baby bunny's cheek.

Kelly finally got so fucking sick of Matthew's stalkerish texts and his ridiculous insinuations that Kelly moved there to be with him that she finally decided to put an end to the relationship that had never even been a relationship in the first place.

Ever bubbly Kelly finally snapped, and broke out some serious motherfucking haiku for Matthew's ass, telling him in no uncertain terms to ...

"Pull your head out of your fucking ass and go annoy someone else!"

Matthew finally got the picture.

Did I mention this was over the holidays?

It was over the holidays.

So Christmas morning rolls around, and one of Kelly's family members calls her in a complete and utter panic. "Are you OK? Is everything alright?"

Of course everything was alright. It was Christmas morning. Why wouldn't everything be alright?

Then another family member calls her in a panic with the same question. And then another.

Finally, Kelly figured out what was going on.

Turns out Matthew had a little Christmas present for Kelly's family.

On Christmas morning, Matthew sent the following completely fabricated email to Kelly's father:

I'm seriously worried about Kelly.

On the 22nd she sent me texts like:

'It's been fun. Take care. Love you.'

'My phone is almost dead, ironically.'

'Text from the other side! Phone out of battery, going to sleep, take care.'

Okay so naturally I was pretty confused and a little worried about this kinda shit. It kinda sounded like a bluff, you know almost a cry for attention sort of thing.


But I didnt hear from her for a while so I started to get worried again. I texted her the next day and she told me she'd tried to slit her wrists in the night but hadn't been successful...I'm really concerned.

I'm not sure how she is now, but seriously something is up, she needs help.

Matthew had been doing a little digging into Kelly's family during the holidays, and somehow found her father's email address.

And just to brighten the family mood on Christmas morning, Matthew decided to insinuate that Kelly had tried to kill herself.

Kelly assures me that the email is complete and total fabricated fucking bullshit. "I've never been depressed in my life," she says.

Are we done yet?

Of course not.

Kelly got another text from Matthew one month later.

"Hey, are you still mad at me? Do you want to get together and catch up?"

Yeah.

Seriously.

81 comments:

  1. Hey! Your blog makes it look like all men are fucked-up morons.


    er...


    I'll get my coat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh seriously Kelly, now how can you turn down someone as 'imaginative' as that, as 'dedicated' as that, as 'fucking insane' as that.

    You don't know when you've got it good!!

    Bloody hell, thats as creepy as all fuck and worthy of several rounds of WTF and multiple exclamation marks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, I'll give him points for creativity.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow! Again, I'm SO glad I'm not dating anymore! This shit would seriously turn me to women...not that there's anything wrong with that

    ReplyDelete
  5. What...the...hell?

    I've seen low before (i.e. Ex threatening to kill himself) but I've never seen the likes of this before. This is just crazy.

    Dating is becoming a hopeless dream of the past quicker and quicker these days.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This makes my refusal to participate in karaoke look positively prophetic!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, holy crap. That right there is restraining order material. The emails are also fodder for a lawsuit (slander is a crime, douchebag). He could end up in jail.

    And seriously, what is WITH some guys? Women are always told to not expect anything more from a one-night stand. The same rule applies to guys, especially the stalker douchebags.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yeah, I'd want to "catch up" with Matthew; to put my pointy toed stiletto up his ass!

    That's certainly a new take on the old, "I loff you soooo much, and if you don't loff me back I'm going to kill myself" routine.

    Time for that restraining order Kelly. This guy's a total nutcase douchebag.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What..the...fucking...Hell?

    >"Hey, are you still mad at me? Do you want to >get together and catch up?"

    Um, let's see here. You never even HAD a relationship, yet the moment you get 'dumped' (from the relationship that never was), you email Kelly's family with the express purpose of panicking them.

    Anyone want to take a guess as to what crazy-ass shit this asshole would do if you actually DATED him first, then tried to dump his psycho-stalker ass? *shudders at the mere thought*

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jesus, some people are just totally fucking insane. D:

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Yeah, I don't know what she snorts, but I need a fucking wheelbarrow full of it."

    Me too.

    Hell, while we are at it why don't we just wrap up a wheelbarrow like a gift basket and forward on to Crazy Matthew. Maybe he will get happy enough to go Karaoke someone else...forever.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ...What.

    So... so am I supposed to take it that this sweet, charming man was trying to win Kelly's affections... by freaking the hell out of her family? On Christmas morning, no less?
    Yeah, nothing gets my panties wet like a one-night stand tracking down my father's e-mail address and telling him I attempted suicide.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Proof that yes, men can be dumb enough to expect more from a one-night stand. Or maybe desperate? Crazy?
    THe more I read, the more nervous I get about getting back into the dating scene.

    ReplyDelete
  14. How exactly did he get her family's email addresses?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow. He's clueless and psychotic, what a winning combo! Yeah, I'd totally want to catch up with someone who told my family I tried to off myself on Christmas. NOT.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haha, that's so horrifying I almost can't believe it XD What a scary, scary man!

    Weas--the cartoon birds? Fanfreakingtastic XD <3 I also get cartoon birds to alight on my shoulders. Unfortunately, you need turpentine (or DIP) to remove the shitstains from your clothes.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Deet, deedleet, deet, deedleet, the following is not a test. This is the emergency happiness broadcast in action.

    *cue official sounding broadcaster announcing voice*

    Everyone, arm yourself with a straw and be on the lookout for the wheelbarrow. It is considered loaded for bear! with 'party snow'. It has two handles a deep bucket and at least one wheel. It could be the heavy duty construction version with two wheels for increased stability with larger loads. It does not move very fast. I repeat, it does NOT move very fast.

    Birds, bunnies and other cute, harmless forest creatures could be accompanying the wheelbarrow full of wonderdust. It is believed they could land on your shoulder or follow you home.

    Snorting from the wheelbarrow could cause a state of eupohoria. The length of this condition is not yet known.

    The cure for this is a douchbag named Matthew looking for his vadgepass.

    If you spot Matthew, kicking him in the gonads so hard his great-grandfather feels it is your best defense against him ruining your experience.

    We now return you to the regularly scheduled snarkfest in progress.

    Deet, deedleet, deet, deedleet, this was NOT a test.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Well now, Weasel, this is more like it. This made me completely believe the male was psychotic and the woman wasn't equally nuts. I'd gotten tired of reading about women who: go with a strange guy to the lake, don't hang up on rude or perverted phone calls, allow a man to have 6 hours of their time on the first date AND show the guy where she lives, etc. and etc. Then they wonder why the guy thinks she's open to absolutely anything he wants to do. DUH. And she lets this shit go on and on without calling the cops. And you say she's "nice."

    I'm NOT defending abusive men. In fact, I'd call the cops on most of the guys whose stories you've posted here. My point is, it's really tiresome to read about women you call "nice" when they're just self-hating and dumb.

    This blog is only fun when it's clear the man is sending insane letters out of the clear blue. Violence against women is a fact. I'd really like to hear what these women did about these creeps afterward. Were any of these guys charged? Did these women's big brothers get together and pay a visit? What?

    For the most part, your blog does the opposite of what you say is its intent. Yeah, the guys are total creeps and even criminals. But there's a huge emphasis on women who don't like themselves enough to defend themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  19. anon-

    blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, women, blah, blah, equally nuts, blah, blah, blah, abusive men, blah, blah, woman, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, "nice" blah, blah, blah, blah, call the cops, blah, blah, blah, blah, charges?, blah, blah, blah, blah.

    Grow up, would ya?

    The women in most of them have admitted to making mistakes. The guys, well, obviously they went one (or several) steps too far. Big difference if you couldn't tell.

    ReplyDelete
  20. To the Anonymous commenter above me:
    I think many women are too shocked to see that anyone would behave that way to defend themselves properly. It's like if someone spits on you in passing on the street. You might say that you'd react, but you'd probably just be stunned.
    Also, you'd think that cops are supposed to be very helpful in situations like this, but quite often they are not. This is in part because some women might find reporting men like this even more distressing than the actual harassment because of the process.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hmmm.

    Yeah, well ok.

    But see, the point of this blog, and my other blog, is to have fun.

    I write it because I like to write it, and some people like to read it.

    I've invited guys to write in, and one has.

    One. Maybe two.

    And this page gets thousands of readers.

    I just put up the stories where dudes make asses of themselves, regardless of what the women did.

    I get a lot of letters, but few qaulify as insanely psycho. Yes, I'd like to get those, but I rarely do, and when I do it's more the variety of "I'm going to slit your fucking throat you stupid cunt."

    Psycho? Yes.

    Fun to read? Not so much.

    If you guys want to start reading "I'm going to kill you" letters, let me know and I'll happily post them.

    Hey, if you guys are bored, I need your opinion on this:

    http://psychoticletters.wordpress.com/

    It's my site, same stuff, just want to know your opinion. You can email me or post here.

    What sucks is the comments are at the top.

    Send me all your opinions , letters, and anything else.

    weaselworden@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. I prefer this format, Weasel. Although that wouldn't stop me ( or the SO ) from reading this ( if you decided to change ).

    To the anons from negativity-land...turn that frown upside-down and smile, smile, smile.
    Weasel is fucking hilarious and some people are really naive and many guys are stupid. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

    ReplyDelete
  23. *laughs til I cry at CnJ*

    Seriously, Matthew is a twisted fuck and needs a restraining order carved in stone and shoved up his ass sideways.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Weasel I love you!!!

    Mat needs some serious help.

    For crying in the bucket, it was just sex. I'm sure they didn't pick out rings and set a date.

    Man, now even women can't have the 'one night stand' without paying.

    What ever happened to the 'I just wants to fuck' man?

    My VJJ's going into hiding.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Sparkywonderlizard said...

    Weasel is fucking hilarious and some people are really naive and many guys are stupid. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

    And I gotta say, hell yeah. If you want to make a politically correct statement or get all wah wah wah, don't expect a lot of support.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Wow!! Matt is a real piece of shit to pull that crap on Christmas day!! I'd have told him ya I've forgiven you and met up with him just to knock his teeth down his fucking throat and of course his gonads up his throat!! I really hope this wack job is sterile because he definitely does NOT need to reproduce anything in this world!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. For those wanting to say the women in some of the earlier stories were too "nice"...think about it a minute. It's one thing to read it in sequence, and another to live it, step by step. I've done some stupid dating (or even, not dating) things (haven't we all?). Looking back, I always say to myself, "self, WTF were you thinking?!", yet at the time, it seemed perfectly logical. Like, oh, I don't know, talking with a co-worker, telling him, sure, I'd love it if he could make me tapes (yeah, tapes, remember those?) of some CDs. Talking to him at work. Hitting a fast food lunch place with him during lunch hour from work. And then finding him circling my house some night and asking why I was out so late (and no, I'd never given my address).

    So, you know, cut these women some slack. Even if they were up front (as I was with one specifically creepy guy) that NOTHING is going to happen and that there is NO RELATIONSHIP, guys still seem to think there is....in my case, despite MULTIPLE conversations wherein I said (in every possible way) "we are NOT dating", somehow what is heard is "I want you"...I think the studies that say men don't actually hear what women say are accurate.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I actually know a girl who did something similar to a guy friend of mine, emailing his parents with lies and whatever. His fault? Being too nice and understanding to her. Some people just need drama I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hey, Tim has a long-lost suicide-claiming brother? (Feb. 13 post) This Matthew guy sounds like a real charmer.

    I suspect the drinks and not just the karaoke got out of hand, there, Kelly. Or hey, maybe you just wanted to get laid, nothin' wrong with that...

    ReplyDelete
  30. Here's what I think happens. When you are single, everybody tends to tell you that you're too picky. So you try to be REALLY open minded about meeting new men. You may see the warning signs but you say to yourself that you are being paranoid/judgmental and should "be fair" and "give the poor guy a chance."

    Uh yeah. Needless to say, when our instincts scream NO!, they are screaming for a reason. But I think this is how these women get into these predicaments.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Looking her up when she moved back to his town, just in case there really was something there? Fine.

    What happened after the first "Nup, sorry", though? That gets a *big thumbs down.*

    Complete arsehole.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Yes why is it that a lot of guys can't accept no as an answer an move on? To them no means maybe and they have to try harder...wtf!! I wa talking to a buddy of mine about this the other day. He told me that there are a lot of women out there that say no they aren't interested but when the guy accepts that they get pissed off because he didn't try harder. He told me that when he personally was told no he told them okay and left them alone then they would call him an asshole because he didn't try harder. I guess there are both out there that are into games and it makes it really tough on us that aren't. Don't get me wrong I'm not defending it by any means because if I say I'm not interested I really do mean I'm not and if you do try harder you will seriously tick me off. Don't even get me started on being single...because no one could really want that and you're just waiting for the right person and of course the one bugging is most definitely the right one.
    *headdesk*

    ReplyDelete
  33. weasel, I always thought the key to good comedy is to just do what makes *you* laugh. If it's any good, you'll strike a chord and others will laugh along.
    With this blog I think you're onto a winner.
    We get to see real-life drama, real-life psychos. We get to judge, and comment and think "thank fuck I'm not that guy" (from a male perspective) Women get to think "thank fuck I'm not *with* that guy"

    And along the way we get lulz on the interwebs

    win, win, win.

    Sure, some people get pissy and a big bunch in their knickers. Don't worry about them.

    Weigh up the number of participatory and "positive" comments against the number of negative and don't forget there are many, many more readers who get a big laugh/morality lesson and never comment.

    It's a great site weasel, keep up the good work

    ReplyDelete
  34. weasel, I don't post often, but I FUCKING love your blogs. I pass them on to all my friends and find myself wiping the tears outta my eyes after reading your commentary.

    Don't give those negative bitches the time of day. They're just looking for a reaction and the best response is no response.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Is he really serious?

    Mack Truck, I agree.

    Let's just get a little group together going and shove our heels up his ass. How fucking pathetic. Apparently, some guys really ARE as dumb as we think they are. Lat time I checked females were the attached ones? Or that's what was claimed to be? I increasingly find that it's the absolute opposite. I fear the blogs that can top this one..

    Or..sigh. I'm glad I'm not dating.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Weasel,
    Very, very glad that you have posted a new letter. We miss you.

    Maybe you can create a new blog for psychotic letters from your readers. If you post the crazy ones with an email address we can have fun with them.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Nothing says "I love you" like faking a suicide attempt. Nasty, nasty person.

    Men don't handle one night stands well. They picture themselves in the media a cool and suave and think of themselves that way. In reality they are hysterical, pouty, bitchy, and whinny.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Just found your blog perusing through another's blog. Wow. Talk about freakin' scary!! SO glad my breakup this week was a LOT smoother than what this gal went thru!! Geez....that boy needs to be shot!

    ReplyDelete
  39. bhm -- Some guys love one night stands as long as they are in control of the 'hump and dump' privilege. If a woman tries to pull it on them, their egos get all butthurt and they flip out. Mostly because they buy into the theory that all women want lifelong commitment with their sex.

    The biggest causes of relationship (and imaginary relationship) drama are people who are not mature enough to GET OVER IT.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Some guys love one night stands as long as they are in control of the 'hump and dump' privilege.
    --------------

    Absolutely, but I also find that they get really up set once they find out that the woman isn't in love with them and is ok with a fling.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Normally I have heard stories like this in the reverse... the female being psycho and the male totally confused. My how the tables have turned.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I am shocked and outraged and I wish to take this opportunity to express my indignation and contempt and also lawdy lawdy, he CRAAYZEE.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Pai- "'hump and dump' privilege"

    LMAO!! I love it and I hope you don't mind if I use that line.

    ReplyDelete
  44. ...AAAND this is why I don't get drunk with people that I don't know all that well, especially people of the male gender. You can't trust yourself not to do something dumb and you sure as *hell* can't trust them to stop you!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Never depressed? That's insane. I don't drink for these sorts of reasons. I'd like people to know they're always dealing with me and that what I do and say is always sincere.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Pai- "hump and dump"

    Similar to "hit it and quit it" we all presume?

    This could be fun, I'm sure there are more...


    bhm-

    Re: hump and dump

    Absolutely, but I also find that they get really up set once they find out that the woman isn't in love with them and is ok with a fling.
    ____________

    Not always. This lends itself to the friends with benefits scenario we read about here recently... then the pregnancy issue.

    Afterall, if they aren't mature enough to get over it, as Pai stated, they probably aren't mature enough to consider contraception, let alone child raising either.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I don't consider the pregnancy one a FWB relationship.

    FWB is exactly that, a FRIEND. You can do other stuff with them besides making the beast with two backs, because you actually LIKE them and enjoy their company.

    I've been in a FWB situation, and I liked the man both in AND out of bed. We had quite a bit in common, and had a lot of fun together. I respected and sought out his opinion on many things, and he did the same with me.

    They don't always work, but ours did. I still consider him a friend and we keep in touch, although the benefits part went by the wayside.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Mack Truck- yes there is truly a difference between flings and FWB's.

    I've known a few guys who could have been FWB's, that seriously had the line between the two skewed.

    Yep, the benefits were the first to go, then the friendship followed. So not much to wonder what the true intentions of that one were.

    And by the last sentence of my last post, I was not implying the parties involved in the pregnancy post were not mature enough to use contraception- they were. They used 2 kinds which obviously failed long enough for them to be in their current situation.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Hey Mack. If you like them and respect them and you're already extremely hugly pals of frequent saucy bedtimeliness,. why just be friends. Why not level up to over 9000.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Dear Everyone -

    Thank you so much for your comments, and for reinforcing that he is A F***king Wanker. An update on the whole thing: he sent me a message today asking how I am, all casual like.

    I sent him the url of this blog.

    Much love to all, 'Kelly.'

    ReplyDelete
  51. Kelly, kudoes on sending this blog to Wanker Boy! Gads, he needs a visit from the clue bus, doesn't he?

    Casual, I would have been happy to ramp up my FWB to SO status, but life got in the way. Sometimes that happens, and we just have to accept it.

    We still keep in touch, because we were friends way before we were FWBs.

    ReplyDelete
  52. The morons who whine that the other women were stupid would be the first ones to bleat that a woman who was cautious was a paranoid-manhater. Can't win for losing with these douchenozzles, Weasel, so don't even try.

    Having said that, irony of all ironies, I just want to give a little unsolicited advice to Kelly. Don't answer any more of his communications. At all. No matter what he does, or how outrageous these texts are. He sounds dangerous. The only thing you're doing with any kind of response is rewarding him, and that's what he wants--a response. I've been in (a much milder version) of this situation; cutting off all communication and documenting everything he did/sent was the most effective way to go.

    ReplyDelete
  53. "Kelly" said An update on the whole thing: he sent me a message today asking how I am, all casual like.

    I sent him the url of this blog.


    LMAO!!! Kudos on that one now!! Maybe he'll track down all our families and try this same shit...hey wanker boy if you read this don't even think about it because most of us aren't as nice as Kelly is, I know I'm not!!

    ReplyDelete
  54. Maybe he'll track down all our families and try this same shit...hey wanker boy if you read this don't even think about it because most of us aren't as nice as Kelly is, I know I'm not!!
    ---------------

    I predict a step incline in the employment rate of hitmen.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Kelly,
    You sent him the url! ROTFL! Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  56. @Mack Truck I am not satisfied by your response. What happened.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I would have met up with him again. And he would have, in turn, met with my baseball bat, my mom and all of my friends, before beginning a long relationship with a hospital bed.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Kelly
    You sent him the URL? Awesome!

    I like the way you think. Maybe a quick glance through WWHM will give him some ideas for his singles ad.

    Surely it will. Then we will all get a twofer.

    You go girl!

    ReplyDelete
  59. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  60. @Anonymous: So they conveniently don't do it anyway without thinking in the long term. Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  61. Oh my god I freaking love this blog! This post was hysterical. And yes, guys are insane. And they say us females are nuts? HA!

    ReplyDelete
  62. So, Kelly never had a relationship with him...but, apparently, her mouth had a relationship with his dick! And yet..."Shit happens, right? No harm, no foul."What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean? Shit happens, alright--blowjobs, stalking, what have you.

    ReplyDelete
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