I made some toast this morning, and because I have the IQ of dehydrated raisin paste, I just stood there staring at my bitch-ass Sears toaster like a confused donkey.
"Am I being too clingy?" I thought to myself.
Maybe I should, you know, give my toaster a little space to sort its feelings out?
Sure enough, the minute I ignored the toaster, that bell rang and my ass was like Pavlov.
The point is, I think some guys have the ability to make women feel like a toaster.
You know, clingy guys. Basically a needy, whiny shadow with a penis and the remarkable ability to make your fallopian tubes seal shut like a submarine hatch.
I think clingy guys seriously believe vaginas come equipped with some type of little clitoral schoolbell, and if they just follow you around long enough, sure enough that little fucker is eventually just gonna ding like a toaster oven someday, and a lifetime vadgepass will spring from your panties like a pop-tart.
And on that note, today we meet Steve, the guy with the sugar-coated fingers.
Jessica was over at a friend's house one day when some guy named Steve calls her friend out of the blue and announces "he was in town and he was going to come over because he needed a place to stay." So Jessica meets Steve, and they talk some and even flirt a little bit. Steve really warms up to Jessica, but Jessica was more like "eh, whatever." They hang out platonically for a few months, and Steve goes back to school.
Suddenly, Jessica rekindles with her ex-boyfriend.
(Cue "Jaws" theme music.)
Steve begins texting Jessica. Followed by phone calls. Steve still wants to flirt, but Jessica explains that she is back with her boyfriend. Steve doesn't seem to understand, so he reaches deep into his emotional arsenal and starts laying on the guilt trips. You want to see a woman's libido dry up? Give her a guilt trip and watch her uterine walls morph into Triscuits.
Guilt trips aside, Jessica is one of those extremely kind girls, and knowing that all Steve's previous girlfriends dumped him for being too clingy, she encourages Steve to go out and date so he can meet a nice girl. Is that what Steve does? Of course not.
Steve calls Jessica and- guess who's in town and needs a place to stay! Jessica, who's basically Mother Theresa in my eyes at this point, reluctantly lets him stay at her house. And he proceeds to spend every day whining incessantly about her work and whining because she won't pay attention to him.
Jessica's nice train finally derails when Steve returns home and purchases her a ticket to come see him without asking her. Or her boyfriend. Sick of his whiny, needy, snivelling little antics, Jessica finally puts her foot down on Steve's hairless, marble smooth and kittenish testicles.
She cuts him off. Permanently.
And you know what comes next, folks.
You know, I told you I wouldn't bring it up again but I've been thinking about what we talked about and I finally put my finger on what's been bothering me so much.
I guess it's something like this. The way you acted when we were "together" and the person I thought you were are two completely different things. You told me that you cared a lot about me and it was your feelings for me that kept you from cutting things off… I ask you why those same feelings didn't keep you from screwing around with other guys and telling me about it?
How can you care so much about me but not give me the courtesy of a monogamous relationship? That mutually exclusive shit you fed me just doesn't cut it Jessica; you don't string a guy on who really cares about you and fool around on the side.
You and I barely cut things off and you already have a "real" boyfriend who you actually commit to and presumably cut things off with that guy you were fooling around with. Not only does that smart because you wouldn't give me that commitment, but you haven't even mentioned to him the fact that you have an ex with whom you're in love with and have every intention of getting back together with.
Jessica, what are you doing with your life? Why are you going around hurting guys and being so selfish about things? You can make all the excuses you want Jessica, tell me he's the one going to break up with you (as you waited for me to do with you so I could "feel better" when it was over), tell me he's going off to law school and he doesn't want a serious relationship, tell me that you have no intention of hurting him and it can't be helped… and I'm going to tell you this: Jessica, I honestly don't know you anymore…
As your friend, I'm upset at the poor decisions you have been making and the self-destructive path you are on. The worst part is that there are people you are hurting along the way (and instead of learning from this, you jump right into another train wreck). Jessica, you need to get a grip on yourself and evaluate where you are and what you are doing. Stop doing things on impulse, and stop making excuses for things you can control but choose not to.
You really did things with me wrong and you really hurt me Jessica, and you're doing it wrong all over again… what's the deal?
If you want to talk, you know how to reach me, but you need to pull yourself together… and let me know when you do, because I don't want anything to do with who are you are right now. -
And like all clingy guys, Steve pronounced he was done with Jessica.
One of those "I will never text you again!" things.
Followed by more texts saying "I will never text you again!"
Followed by some courteous reminder texts that he would indeed never text her again.
I think you get the picture.
And just so you know Steve, Jessica married her boyfriend.
Feel free to share your parasitic clingy men stories in the comments, but more importantly, send me your clingy emails to PLFM. Open 24 hrs at email@example.com.