Saturday, February 7, 2009

Cling On

I made some toast this morning, and because I have the IQ of dehydrated raisin paste, I just stood there staring at my bitch-ass Sears toaster like a confused donkey.

"Am I being too clingy?" I thought to myself.

Maybe I should, you know, give my toaster a little space to sort its feelings out?

Sure enough, the minute I ignored the toaster, that bell rang and my ass was like Pavlov.

The point is, I think some guys have the ability to make women feel like a toaster.

You know, clingy guys. Basically a needy, whiny shadow with a penis and the remarkable ability to make your fallopian tubes seal shut like a submarine hatch.

I think clingy guys seriously believe vaginas come equipped with some type of little clitoral schoolbell, and if they just follow you around long enough, sure enough that little fucker is eventually just gonna ding like a toaster oven someday, and a lifetime vadgepass will spring from your panties like a pop-tart.

And on that note, today we meet Steve, the guy with the sugar-coated fingers.

Jessica was over at a friend's house one day when some guy named Steve calls her friend out of the blue and announces "he was in town and he was going to come over because he needed a place to stay." So Jessica meets Steve, and they talk some and even flirt a little bit. Steve really warms up to Jessica, but Jessica was more like "eh, whatever." They hang out platonically for a few months, and Steve goes back to school.

Suddenly, Jessica rekindles with her ex-boyfriend.

(Cue "Jaws" theme music.)

Steve begins texting Jessica. Followed by phone calls. Steve still wants to flirt, but Jessica explains that she is back with her boyfriend. Steve doesn't seem to understand, so he reaches deep into his emotional arsenal and starts laying on the guilt trips. You want to see a woman's libido dry up? Give her a guilt trip and watch her uterine walls morph into Triscuits.

Guilt trips aside, Jessica is one of those extremely kind girls, and knowing that all Steve's previous girlfriends dumped him for being too clingy, she encourages Steve to go out and date so he can meet a nice girl. Is that what Steve does? Of course not.

Steve calls Jessica and- guess who's in town and needs a place to stay! Jessica, who's basically Mother Theresa in my eyes at this point, reluctantly lets him stay at her house. And he proceeds to spend every day whining incessantly about her work and whining because she won't pay attention to him.

Jessica's nice train finally derails when Steve returns home and purchases her a ticket to come see him without asking her. Or her boyfriend. Sick of his whiny, needy, snivelling little antics, Jessica finally puts her foot down on Steve's hairless, marble smooth and kittenish testicles.

She cuts him off. Permanently.

And you know what comes next, folks.



You know, I told you I wouldn't bring it up again but I've been thinking about what we talked about and I finally put my finger on what's been bothering me so much.

I guess it's something like this. The way you acted when we were "together" and the person I thought you were are two completely different things. You told me that you cared a lot about me and it was your feelings for me that kept you from cutting things off… I ask you why those same feelings didn't keep you from screwing around with other guys and telling me about it?

How can you care so much about me but not give me the courtesy of a monogamous relationship? That mutually exclusive shit you fed me just doesn't cut it Jessica; you don't string a guy on who really cares about you and fool around on the side.

You and I barely cut things off and you already have a "real" boyfriend who you actually commit to and presumably cut things off with that guy you were fooling around with. Not only does that smart because you wouldn't give me that commitment, but you haven't even mentioned to him the fact that you have an ex with whom you're in love with and have every intention of getting back together with.

Jessica, what are you doing with your life? Why are you going around hurting guys and being so selfish about things? You can make all the excuses you want Jessica, tell me he's the one going to break up with you (as you waited for me to do with you so I could "feel better" when it was over), tell me he's going off to law school and he doesn't want a serious relationship, tell me that you have no intention of hurting him and it can't be helped… and I'm going to tell you this: Jessica, I honestly don't know you anymore…

As your friend, I'm upset at the poor decisions you have been making and the self-destructive path you are on. The worst part is that there are people you are hurting along the way (and instead of learning from this, you jump right into another train wreck). Jessica, you need to get a grip on yourself and evaluate where you are and what you are doing. Stop doing things on impulse, and stop making excuses for things you can control but choose not to.

You really did things with me wrong and you really hurt me Jessica, and you're doing it wrong all over again… what's the deal?

If you want to talk, you know how to reach me, but you need to pull yourself together… and let me know when you do, because I don't want anything to do with who are you are right now. -


And like all clingy guys, Steve pronounced he was done with Jessica.

One of those "I will never text you again!" things.

Followed by more texts saying "I will never text you again!"

Followed by some courteous reminder texts that he would indeed never text her again.

I think you get the picture.

And just so you know Steve, Jessica married her boyfriend.

Feel free to share your parasitic clingy men stories in the comments, but more importantly, send me your clingy emails to PLFM. Open 24 hrs at


  1. Hi Weasel, long-time reader, first-time commenter. I know that blaming the media is kind of a lazy reaction to the evils of the world, but I do think it genuinely has a lot to do with the prevalence of Steves in women's lives today.

    How many movies have we all seen where the woman isn't interested anymore and the guy turns into a stalker, and - hey presto! - happily ever aftering ensues.

    When men see a movie like '4 Weddings' or 'Say Anything' and notice how much swooning the female audience is doing, they think, 'Aha! I've got a golden ticket! I'll stalk, stalk, stalk my way back to her heart.'

    What they fail to keep in mind is that they are neither Hugh Grant nor John Cusack (and that's not even saying much! I wouldn't give either of those fops stableroom in MY stud book). No, they are just some guy named Steve, who has a slight paunch and no real job. Their persistence isn't charming. It's RichardRamirezRiffic.

    In fairness, a DIFFERENT type of persistence can pay off. My husband and I met quite young. We were together for two years, apart for eight, and have now been happily married for two. He never gave up on me altogether, BUT (and this is the big, Chris-Farley-sized BUT) he dated other people, went to law school, got a good job, called me about once a month rather than every damn day, and never used any of the foul names that are so prevalent on your pages on me.

    Finally, when we were both fully cooked maturity wise, and had become super-best-friends to boot, I realized that he was awesome and we got back together.

    This, men, is how to do persistence.

  2. I second that, NYCowgirl. And I'm eating Triscuits with my lunch (which now are somehow spewed on my computer screen...)

  3. He said "Jessica" so many times in that e-mail. Holy crap. I still can't believe how many weirdos there are in the world.

  4. You think SHE'S Mother Theresa, then I must be freaking Quan Yin, because at least she had the wherewithal to cut off Mr. Nice-Guy-Steve and stop being nice to him.
    I'm too nice to do that, no matter how much I want to (and God do I want to!)

  5. I thought I was dating a guy earlier this year that I really liked. We never "officially" were BF/GF. He and I were from the same relative area back in the states and it was all going great until he confirmed after my suspecting he was talking to his ex that his ex was NOT his ex and was his GIRLFRIEND. Yeah, no kidding.

    So, he was dating a girl while he was seeing me, flirting with me, kissing me, etc. I broke it off and started to get stalky texts. Then I got a weird Christmas card shoved in the door. This was all after I had started dating a friend of mine who turned out to be a much better guy. Well, he wouldn't stop texting me, which was pissing my BF off (clearly, this is normal, right?) and then the boy started to demand to our mutual friends that I needed to talk to him "or else". They began to realize he was a creeper and don't talk to him anymore.

    Well, he got so stupid that he TEXTED my BF. BF was NOT pleased. He calls me, I say T, don't break his wimpy lil neck, just set him straight. He does. Kid never texted back. Don't know what my BF told him, but geez.

    I was in the library on campus last week and kid is there. I was surrounded by several guy friends and my seminar leader all who told him to leave me alone. So, he didn't try anything, but was still looking at me the whole time.

    Creeps are everywhere. I am still with the guy I got with after this guy. And yeah, it upsets me because my friend would have asked me out a LOT sooner if he didn't think I was taken. What a waste of time, right!

  6. What is it with guys named Steve being stalkers? Both my best friend and I have had Stalker Steves.

    I personally thought the best part was how many times he used her name. You know, just in case she forgot who this email was addressed to.


    Please? Jessica?

  7. Wow, some people should not write drunk... There were some interesting fragments in that letter, there, Steve-O! And I'm still not sure what you were getting at in it...

    OMG, Weas, you rule! "Lifetime vadgepass rising out of my panties like a poptart" ROTFLTIPMPACB!!! (rolling on the floor laughing til I pee my pants and can't breath)

    Ding! Vadgepass! LOL!

  8. Weasel,

    Don't go insulting donkeys about toasters. I've got an ass, every married woman does, but I've got a great donkey too. The little long eared bastard can open a gate clip with just a pair of fuzzy lips and will chase a full grown rottweiler off the property, which is way more than most men can, or will, do. I'm sure if he wanted toasted bread he'd figure out how to work a toaster.

    Here's where he's another step up on most men. The donkey knows when to take NO for an answer. If the jenny pins her ears, it means no! So he leaves her alone. If she kicks at him, it means NO. So he leaves her alone. He can take a hint. Unlike most men this charming four legged shit machine nderstands when he isn't wanted and acts accordingly.

    However, unlike most men he's cute, even when he's hairy and muddy, and he can drop a dong that could almost, but not quite, fill up Paris Hilton.

  9. I think he uses her name a lot for the same reason slimy salespeople do. It's yet another "trick," like the magical 3:30 deadline or (I'm not making this up) managing to work the phrase "below me" into a conversation:

    See,when the guy says "from the mountaintop I saw the landscape spread out below me," the fembot hears "blow me" and her tiny Chick Brain is powerless to resist the suggestion. (I'm not making this up! I saw it on a pick-up site.)

    I think some men would rather believe women are sex vending machines than people because it gives them an excuse for their failings: they just punched the code in wrong. The next mahcine will pay off with that Vadgepass. Because seeing women as human might cause them to discover that the common denominator in all their failed relationships is not the fact that they ran out of quarters but...them.

  10. You know, there's NO surer method to making sure you will NEVER get the vadgepass (LOVE IT!) than reading a woman a laundry list of her failings as you perceive them.


    Um, Steve, no woman on earth responds to that by saying "yes, Steve is right! I am a selfish bitch! I should go give Steve a blow job and atone for my sins!"

    No, Steve, instead, we forward letters like that around to all of our girlfriends.

    And laugh.

  11. >>How many movies have we all seen where the woman isn't interested anymore and the guy turns into a stalker, and - hey presto! - happily ever aftering ensues.<<

    True, although I will say, if you look like Chris Noth and you chase me to Paris to prevent me from making a huge mistake with some weaselly little twerp who resembles Mikhail Baryshnikov, that is GONNA work on me.

    Very well.

  12. "Jessica, you need to get a grip on yourself and evaluate where you are and what you are doing."

    Has he tried looking in the mirror???? I had a 'Steve' years ago - I had to move cross country to escape him.

  13. "That mutually exclusive shit you fed me just doesn't cut it Jessica.

    Jessica, what are you doing with your life?

    You can make all the excuses you want Jessica.

    Jessica, I honestly don't know you anymore…

    Jessica, you need to get a grip on yourself and evaluate where you are and what you are doing......"

    I don't think you put her name in the letter quite enough times. Perhaps if you ended each sentence with her name she would take you back? No?

  14. a lifetime vadgepass will spring from your panties like a pop-tart.

    OMG...You've really done it this time, Weaz. Wery, wery funny!

  15. I would just like to say that we women should not be so nice to guys like Steve. We tend to not take this shit seriously, but we should. Stalkers like Steve can go from being 'nice' and 'mild-mannered' to violent and psychotic at the drop of a hat. We women are not helping anyone when we try to be 'nice' to crazy stalker dudes. If a guy starts acting too clingy/jealous/weird, it's not going anywhere good. CUT HIM OFF. You gotta look out for number one!

  16. I dated a guy while in the USAF for about 3 dates... Though thinking back we never really went out. I was standing Alert, and he would come over to visit. When he came over the 3rd time and told me he told his parents all about me and how we were going to get married I dropped his sorry ass!

    He then proceeded to try to get all the guys I worked with, and I worked with ALL men.. no women, to get me to go back to him. They said, geez couldnt ya just give him one lay and be done! Like hello... dont think so! I told them if they were so concerned about his manhood to go over and they could screw him.

    I made sure the cut was deep and clean... after a couple of weeks of hearing how I broke his little heart from my co-workers they finally shut up as well.

  17. a lifetime vadgepass will spring from your panties like a pop-tart.

    Brilliantly done Weasel!

    Um, I refer to these as Treckies. As is Star Trek. That is where Clingons first originated isn't it?

    And yes, they seem to Cling ON and ON and ON like a piece of shit to the side of the bowl no matter how many times you flush...

  18. @Lynda: Didn't those people know that giving him a lay would have only made things worse? Sheesh.....

    24 years living, and I've yet to be with a clingy guy. BUt, since I have at most 60 years left, there's time enough for such an encounter. I'd better get a letter to share out of it, becuase this blog is just fucking hilarious.

  19. CNJ:

    You crazy thing you, what a riot!!! You win a beer toss for the shit clinging comment! Congrats!

    *beer toss*

    Too bad we don't get the huge flame wars here, doesn't deserve a popcorn run really :)

  20. Good grief CNJ -

    If ya gotta mention Star Trek, make sure you get those knobby forehead aliens right - Klingons. *raspberry* And yeah, that old tired joke on how the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common. (Going around Uranus looking for Klingons.)

  21. Holy crap, what an ass! What gives him the right to lecture her on how she lives her life? If you wanna gripe about the pain someone caused you, that's one thing, but to pretend to be whining for that person's own good...give me a break! Geez, and how many times does he repeat her name in there? I think, given it's a letter, no one's going to suddenly think he's NOT addressing "Jessica."

  22. BTW, PixieCorpse? RIGHT ON. You just succinctly summarized a whole class of guys I know (and despise).

  23. Thanks to Fuglyhorseoftheday I'm a new addict to this blog!!!

  24. "I think some men would rather believe women are sex vending machines than people because it gives them an excuse for their failings: they just punched the code in wrong."

    OMG..... Somebody cast that in BRONZE.

    My mom always told me to play the field and don't get too attached too soon. Someone should tell that to these hopeless men.

    And it's true - they can go from pathetic to violent SO fast.

    And it's also true - they can interpret "together" in so many fascinating ways.


  25. Great entry. What a horrible failure. But I see people failing to appreciate that such stupendous failure often needs encouragement.

    I don't think Jessica was actually nice by generously enduring nonsense. That's 'nice'. Niceness is not generous gestures and acting reserved. That's all show. What actions amount to in the grand scheme determine whether she is nice.

    Prolonging an unpleasant situation by not clarifying a "friend's" mistaken ideations about her up front when she has ample opportunity: nice? No. A person with better character would at least disabuse the retard of these false notions out of self-respect, so she wouldn't have to endure this (and he either).

    While it might look 'mean', a few unequivocal words like 'I'm not attracted to you. And I don't welcome your advances. Either accept it or move on.' is actually nicer. Polite gestures look like mixed signals and prolong failure.

    And Mother Teresa does not live up to her public image: she's actually somewhat evil.

  26. I was rather creeped out by how many times he managed to repeat her name in this message. It gives me a sort of "Clarice in Silence of the Lambs" feeling, which, as you know, is a total turn on.

  27. freakin reminds me of another boyfriend I had. Always with the guilt trip. Wanting to see me again before I graduate and I refused for obvious reason (mainly its finals and i am BUSY) and he went off on me. Whatever dude, act like a man and get over it. and just cause you hook up with someone doesn't mean y'all are dating! And insisting you spend all weekend, every weekend with me in my cramped dorm room is just freaking annoying! like Steve make me sick

  28. Luis, the 'I must be nice' thing that a lot of women have is not a character flaw. It's generally trained in during upbringing.

    Parents, grandparents, family, teachers, books, films, tv series, magazines ALL tell girls that they must be pleasant, sweet, and NICE. They may not make other people feel bad, EVER. Certainly they may not be open and direct about whatever it is that could hurt the other person.

    The "You must feel bad for making someone feel bad" sentiment is something that almost all women get drummed into them when they are growing up, and it often takes decades of life experience to unlearn it. It's taken me 'till my middle to late twenties to be able to do what needs to be done (like cut off a relationship in a clear and clean manner) and not feel incredibly bad and guilty for hurting someone. Usually. Sometimes I lapse and still feel guilty anyway.

  29. I'm not sure if this reminds me of that, or if that reminds me of this, but they sure are similar.

  30. may I - as a man - add my 2 bits worth. There are female Steves out there too. I recently broke up from a long term exclusive relationship having been rejected as "too nice" I later learnt that she had been seing an extremely wealthy man for the last 6 months of our relationship behind my back ... but that's another story. Naturally I was feeling somewhat bruised but started dating again ... and met a woman with whom things went well. After about 6 or 7 dates she stated that she wanted to stay the night. I was very happy to accept and the night passed very well.
    The following day I received a text saying that she was putting in motion selling her appt so that she could move in with me. I was NOT ready for another "serious" relationship and told her so immediately. I was then subject to every guilt trip one can imagine including a detailed account of her previous suicide attempts. I decided to put a stop to the relationship saying "look I am NOT the person you are looking for and I think we should call a halt to this now" The abusive texts continued for about 2 months ...

  31. Classic yes m'lady. Feels like you owe him something because he was his own idea of the perfect gentleman. Guess what, perfect gentlemen of the world? We don't owe you shit!

    We don't owe you shit for perfect abs or perfect intellect, because we're capable of both on our own, thank you very much. Get over yourselves.

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