Tuesday, February 17, 2009

That's Not How It's Supposed to Work!

Men in long-term relationships tend to forget how difficult it is to be a single guy.

Fed a steady diet of relationship sex, they lose track of the work ethic and dedication it actually takes to get a woman into bed in the real world.

So when a man breaks up a long-term relationship with a woman, here's what he literally thinks is going to happen:

Finally free from the binding handcuffs of his relationship, he will immediately hit the ground running by going out and fucking as many girls as possible. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel or visiting the salad bar at Sizzler; just find what you want, chat her up, take her home and fuck her. Easy. It's like making fucking Pop Tarts.

Meanwhile, because he's obviously the greatest guy in the world and the girl he just dumped couldn't possibly ever find a man like him, he thinks she will sit at home crying into her pillow night after night, just waiting for him to change his mind and praying that he'll come running back to her. Would she sleep with another man? Of course not! He's the greatest, and he dumped her! Ha ha! Why would she bother?

Now let's pour ourselves a tall, cool and refreshing glass of reality.

Here's what he has to do to get laid in the real world:

He has to look right, act right, smell right, say the right things at the right time, make himself sound exciting, be funny, be gentle, be complimentary, appear intelligent and educated, dress nice, not have any physical flaws, watch his body language, be interesting, have a good job etc. etc. etc.

And here's what she has to do to get laid:


(*breathing optional)

So what inevitably happens is the guy realizes it's not so great out there in the real world. But he doesn't feel so bad, because she obviously hasn't slept with anyone else yet. How could she after spending all those endless hours sobbing over him?

Or ... did she?

Well, once he dumped her, all 14,178 of those cool guys that he once knew as her male "friends" are suddenly (miraculously!) there to console her. What a shock! Thankfully, since they were only her male friends, at least they're not going to try to have sex with her!*

(*this statement is false)

So when he comes running back to re-unite with the girl he just dumped, he often finds her in another relationship! With another man! That's not fair! It wasn't supposed to work that way! Hey! Who's running the show here?

She is, bitch.

Peyton and Kyle met in high school, and they continued their 3-year relationship well into college despite the fact that they lived nearly 700 miles apart. Everything was going swimmingly until Peyton decided to be a real pain in the ass by getting diagnosed with some silly little ailment called diabetes. Who's ever heard of such a stupid thing? After Peyton spent a week in the hospital, Kyle suddenly began to have second thoughts about their relationship.

First of all, Peyton was paying too much attention to this little diabetes thing and Kyle was feeling really left out. He wasn't getting the attention he wanted and deserved. Peyton was all "diabetes this" and "diabetes that" and "diabetes is a deadly condition" and other selfish things.

Secondly, Kyle really just needed some space. Because 700 miles wasn't enough space, and he needed more. Perhaps 701 miles would suffice.

So two weeks after she got out of the hospital, Kyle dumped his girlfriend of three years to see other people.

But ironically, Kyle ended up not having any other people to see. I mean, he saw people at class and stuff, but you know, he didn't find anyone to see*.

(*no one would date his ass.)

But Peyton did. Peyton met Keith, who was not only a really nice guy, but he also didn't dump her when he found out she had a potentially fatal disease.

Well, sure enough Kyle found out about Keith, and lets just say he didn't feel Peyton held up her part of the bargain when he dumped her. She was supposed to be at home crying over Kyle, not dating some guy named Keith. Why, this was more annoying than that stupid diabetes thing!

So Kyle found his corn cob pipe and velvet smoking jacket, and retreated to the study with his long-haired cat to compose a romantic haiku to let Peyton know just how he felt about her dating this Keith character.

Remember, Kyle dumped Peyton.

Here's his haiku:

you disgusting whore. not only is keith fucking ugly as hell, you asked him, the 25 year old man you fucked twice, do i need to get tested for STD's because of you? also you told julie you were single and looking in fucking feb. also in feb you told olivia that you didn't even care that we took a break. i hope your proud of what you've put me through. I loved you with all my heart and you stepped all over it with out a second thought. Noone will ever love you as much as i did and you will be a miserable fucking lonly whore for the rest of your life. I know once you realize this you will come crawling back but dont bother because i will just laugh at you and tell you what a whore you are. On second thought please do so i can step all over you like you did to me. You will never find anyone as good as me and you will regret it for the rest of your life. One day when I am a famous actor and making millions in blockbuster movies you will probably want to kill yourself. I almost feel sorry for you. also i'm serious, do i have to get tested now for std's?

and yes i went on your facebook. now that i found out how little yu really think of me and yourself i wont go through it again"

And just so you know, Kyle is an actor now.

He's currently playing the role of a guy who dropped out of college, moved back in with his parents, and drives around in a shitty-ass Dodge Dakota truck.

I think the movie is called Karma.

Meanwhile, Peyton took on the role of a woman with a new boyfriend.


  1. It's interesting to me, the common theme of calling the woman a whore--no matter who did the dumping--just because she's moved on. I mean, what worse thing can you call a woman, right? For doing exactly what she was doing with you before you dumped her (i.e. having a (supposedly) mature and sexual relationship), she's now a whore.

    Payback's a bitch. A bitch-whore.

    I like the optional "breathing" part, Weas. :)

  2. It's because of the sexual repression applied to people. The unconscious stigma's we place on it that influence fantasies/retaliations etc means our sexuality is something to be known but not really discussed. So when a woman goes out and gets over this 'super man' that dumped her, she becomes a whore in his eyes.

    Maybe with the merging influence of cultures that society is becoming, we'll get over it in a few hundred years.

  3. Typical. Just because the man can't have her back he resorts to derogatory comments.

  4. *snerk* Yeah, gotta love it when a guy is so in-touch that he needs to take revenge on an EX-girlfriend for getting laid before he does.

    And WTF diabetes dumping?! I'm shocked this sweet, sensitive guy even bothered waiting till she got out of the hospital. He sounds like my grandmother's second husband, scolding her on her deathbed for not coming home to make him dinner.

  5. I dated a guy like this. He dumped me and then had the balls to be angry and jealous when I managed to have a date later that very same day. I was in a relationship again within two weeks. To date he still has not found a woman who wants to be with him. I got called every name in the book. He was especially fond of the C U Next Tuesday name.

    Maybe he should have considered that breathing optional thing. Would have saved everyone from having to listen to him bitch and moan for years.

  6. Yep, I dated a guy like this for four years. When we finally broke up - he broke up with me, we were living together - he started dating again immediately. We unfortunately were still living together at the time because I wouldn't move back home and he nowhere else to go (plus it made his new girlfriend crazy, so that was a big plus).
    When I first went on a date with a new guy, he got all pissy with me and when I asked what his deal was, he came right out and told me that he didn't like me dating. I said 'what, you can date, but I should sit home waiting for you to want me back or spend a few minutes with me?" His answer was yes, that was what he wanted, he wanted his new girl, but didn't want me seeing anyone else. I laughed in face and made a point of going on many more dates. What a jackass.

  7. I agree with Katrina bout the whore thing.

    This guy is a total jackass pahaha.

  8. Good for peyton! You know that pesky diabetes is really a killjoy! I have it and manage to lead a completely normal life, Kyle! God forbid you know, maybe she wants to take care of herself so she can live to see 45!


  9. Woot to Peyton! I think being diagnosed was a blessing in disguise for you. I just can't imagine wasting any more time and life on this dickweed!

    The first line- you disgusting whore. I laughed out loud. Good thing nobody was in the office. Nice way to start things off asshole.

    Too bad this can't be used as a warning website- "Who NOT to Date!"

  10. "One day when I am a famous actor and making millions in blockbuster movies you will probably want to kill yourself"

    Are we to take this to mean that he wants to be paid in blockbuster movies for his work as an actor? I'll take one million dollars over one million dollars worth of blockbuster movies any day...much more entertaining

  11. Good riddence to bad rubbish - right? I mean how would she know how exactly QUALITY Keith was without having the measure of idiot that Kyle was?

    You can bet she won't be taking Keith for granted. She knows what kind of losers walk this earth disguised as real men.

    And any woman that wouldn't sleep with you (again) is a whore, we all know that. :)

  12. I'm too enraged by the "lonly" clanger to comment. I'll be back when I've finished scooping out my eyes with the sharpened corner of my ex-wife's chastity belt.

  13. this is a common thing that happens. advice to guys: wait until you're ready to really be done with her before you give her the boot.

    And also have some other babes lined up.


  14. I'd like to point out, as the letter doesn't say, I (Peyton) didn't start seeing Keith until 5 months after Kyle broke up with me. So It wasn't even like I ran out and immediately grabbed a new guy. Kyle, is predictably still single, and as he lives across the street from my family, he tries to get in touch with me for what I assume is his idea of a "booty call" when ever he sees my car home. He actually claims he doesn't want to start a new relatonship because he's moving to Cali to start making movies any day now. He just has to buy the plane ticket..... Hard to do when you only work 2 days a week at Buffalo Wild Wings!
    I on the other hand got my diabetes under control (A1c of 5.5!) and am doing great in my new major at the University of Florida and plan to start applying to law schools next year after a semester abroad in Ireland. I've always had a thing for Irish guys.... ;)

    casualencountersblog- Omg, seriously! I am the biggest stickler for spelling and grammar and Kyle literally couldn't spell his way out of a 1st grade classroom. When we were in high school I had to edit all his papers (i.e. write them) or he would still be there today! He failed english twice and Biology 3 times...

  15. Good for you, Peyton! Nothing irks the losers like your success!

    And I do love how when a woman refuses to sleep with a guy, she's a slut or whore! Wow, did the guys get together and change the meaning of these words when we were busy having a life?

    I 'dated' a guy for a few weeks once, it's a long story. But basically I pissed him off, and he emailed me that he didn't ever want to see me again, blah blah...

    Predictably, I got an email from him a few days later. My reply was to cut and paste directly from his emails! He replied one single time: "Ok."

    Of course, the very next person I dated did turn out to be the love of my life and current hubby!

    Love it!

  16. Hoorah Peyton! I think we're all glad your Kyle-reduced life is going well. And really, Kyle-reduced sounds more entertaining than Kyle-free because this way you get to watch him continuously fail!

    I dated an abusive asshole for a couple years before I finally got the courage to break up with him. He harassed me so much I took a solo trip to California without my cell phone just to get some peace! A month later I went to a hookah bar with some visiting friends, and within an hour of leaving got a call from him SCREAMING at me for killing myself with my smoking! I had NEVER smoked ANYTHING before, and I don't even want to think about how he knew I had been there...

    But, then he lost his job at Walmart and started dating a coke addict and... a year later he'd moved back into his parent's basement with this sickly girl, was doing all sorts of drugs, and was going to be a rock star. Never graduated high school. Four years later now and last I heard he was getting treated for some lovely STDs and owed his parents a large sum of money!

    Meanwhile, my partner and I are happy condo owners both working in the sciences (his= software engineering, mine= molecular bio) and able to take time off to enjoy each other :-)

    Somehow, I don't feel bad for my ex

  17. I usually won't say anything like this, but you totally just won my heart with your professed love of grammar and spelling, so.


    Okay, *out of my system*.

    As you were.

  18. Oh you guys crack me up. This is honestly the most entertainment I ever got out of that relationship! I'm thinking we need to find a way to hook Kyle up with Matt the filmmaker... Although I do have to give Kyle credit in that he's never done drugs in his life. But I think it could be a mutually beneficial relationship. By mutually beneficial I mean for those of us who love fries with our Big Mac and therefore need people like Kyle and Matt to be on hand to make them for us when we get that craving.

    McJob.... oh wow, I love it!

  19. This is one of my favorite blogs!

    I aggree that we need to get Kyle and Matt together. Maybe they can sit around and TALK about planning to make a movie....a real blockbuster. HAHA


  20. Way to go Peyton =)
    Weasel, I absolutely LOVE this blog (and WWHM!)

  21. OutRiding01: And you still dated him. Great job!

  22. RE: Kalerender

    i thought it was just due to lack of imagination.

  23. I love how HE broke it off with HER but reading that letter you would think it was the other way around lol. I absolutely hate guys that feel the need to name call, whatever the name, when they don't get what they want when they want it. Boohoo!! I had one that thought he'd get me by dropping the "C" bomb. I pretty much laughed at him and told him I'd rather be that than a bed-wetter. Yes, he'd drink so much pass out and piss the bed. Boy that comment alone had him beyond pissed off...no pun intended lol

  24. Wow, this reminds me so much of my ex it's not even funny (actually, who am I kidding - I was laughing my ass off!).

    For years he would tell me that he's the only guy who would ever love me, and thus I should be eternally grateful cause no other guy would ever want to be with me....right.

    When I finally grew the spine to dump his sorry ass, he couldn't understand 1) why it was so hard for him to get laid, and 2) why it was so easy for me, lol! :P

  25. I think someone should send Kyle a great big bouquet of roses with a HUGE 'Thank You' note on it!

    Breaking up with Peyton was the sweetest, most wonderful thing he ever could have done for her.

    What a selfless, loving act!

    Peyton, just remember it's OK to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them! :-)

    And to Kyle - remember everyone sets an example; some set an example of what to do, and others set an example of what not to do. You have the dubious honor of being both in this drama (breaking up with her/be a complete cock-knocking fuckwad)

  26. Just wanted to point out that while, yes, it's much easier on average for a woman to get laid by a random man a bar, it's usually NOT a good lay. A drunk guy, especially a stranger, typically can't get it up or last more than a few seconds. Plus, most of the guys willing to fuck anything that moves are ugly and desperate. Women still have to put in a lot of effort to look good and be charming if they want a half-way decent lay. Quanity does not equal quality.

  27. Aaaah! This is priceless! Especially the above recent comment by a fellow 'anonymous'. I'm amused by the thought some guy thinks women seek the same thing in men as men do in women. "Getting some" means more to women, sweetie.

    Anyway, This reminds me of a fellow I dated who insisted he could not be in a relationship with me because he was a "polygamist". In the entire decade I knew him I was the only female, in fact the only person beyond co-workers (when he worked) in his life. When I decided to seek my own relationships I was suddenly 'cheating' on him and everything that had been going downhill in our 'friends' relationship fell off an honest-to-goodness cliff after that.

    He actually moved to a different state to stalk the fellow I was in a fairly casual long-distance relationship with at the time. Because threatening to murder the man I was interested in was certainly the best way to win back my affections, right?

    Perhaps I should write up this entire story sometime. Looking back I realize what a dangerous position I'd inadvertantly put myself into. Ladies, "just friends" can, and probably does, mean something entirely different to the guy you're refering to than it does to him. And "friends with privileges" is a bad, bad, very bad, did I mention bad? idea 99.9% of the time no matter how well you think you know the bloke.

  28. HAHA, Anon @ 1223PM... keep telling yourself that! I've had some EPIC drunken one-night stands- some of the hottest marathon sex of my life! You're just jealous. So there. Ass.

  29. My ex did the same thing. I broke up with him, and for a month or so it was all sunshine and rainbows and he wanted to be "friends"...and then he wanted to get me back...and told me how I was the most wonderful person ever and he'd never been as happy as he was with me...

    ....until he found out I'd started seeing someone else. Then, suddenly, I was no longer the greatest person ever, but was a) a whore, b) a cunt, and c) looked like shit. Amazing how I went through such a pyhsical and moral transformation in just a few hours...AMAZING.

  30. Problem with this site is there is often no trustworthy context. How to verify who dumped who first? So I just enjoy the pathetic letters rather than get emotionally invested and assume facts not in evidence as most commenters do.

  31. Hey! Want to avoid being this asshole and being humiliated by your laughing ex on a blog such as this? Check out this really fantastic Rant and Rave someone posted on Craigslist:


    or search the Best Ofs in Craigslist for "The Ultimate Guide to Break Ups"... cause it's the truf

  32. I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...