That's Not How It's Supposed to Work!

Men in long-term relationships tend to forget how difficult it is to be a single guy.

Fed a steady diet of relationship sex, they lose track of the work ethic and dedication it actually takes to get a woman into bed in the real world.

So when a man breaks up a long-term relationship with a woman, here's what he literally thinks is going to happen:

Finally free from the binding handcuffs of his relationship, he will immediately hit the ground running by going out and fucking as many girls as possible. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel or visiting the salad bar at Sizzler; just find what you want, chat her up, take her home and fuck her. Easy. It's like making fucking Pop Tarts.

Meanwhile, because he's obviously the greatest guy in the world and the girl he just dumped couldn't possibly ever find a man like him, he thinks she will sit at home crying into her pillow night after night, just waiting for him to change his mind and praying that he'll come running back to her. Would she sleep with another man? Of course not! He's the greatest, and he dumped her! Ha ha! Why would she bother?

Now let's pour ourselves a tall, cool and refreshing glass of reality.

Here's what he has to do to get laid in the real world:

He has to look right, act right, smell right, say the right things at the right time, make himself sound exciting, be funny, be gentle, be complimentary, appear intelligent and educated, dress nice, not have any physical flaws, watch his body language, be interesting, have a good job etc. etc. etc.

And here's what she has to do to get laid:

Breathe*

(*breathing optional)

So what inevitably happens is the guy realizes it's not so great out there in the real world. But he doesn't feel so bad, because she obviously hasn't slept with anyone else yet. How could she after spending all those endless hours sobbing over him?

Or ... did she?

Well, once he dumped her, all 14,178 of those cool guys that he once knew as her male "friends" are suddenly (miraculously!) there to console her. What a shock! Thankfully, since they were only her male friends, at least they're not going to try to have sex with her!*

(*this statement is false)

So when he comes running back to re-unite with the girl he just dumped, he often finds her in another relationship! With another man! That's not fair! It wasn't supposed to work that way! Hey! Who's running the show here?

She is, bitch.

Peyton and Kyle met in high school, and they continued their 3-year relationship well into college despite the fact that they lived nearly 700 miles apart. Everything was going swimmingly until Peyton decided to be a real pain in the ass by getting diagnosed with some silly little ailment called diabetes. Who's ever heard of such a stupid thing? After Peyton spent a week in the hospital, Kyle suddenly began to have second thoughts about their relationship.

First of all, Peyton was paying too much attention to this little diabetes thing and Kyle was feeling really left out. He wasn't getting the attention he wanted and deserved. Peyton was all "diabetes this" and "diabetes that" and "diabetes is a deadly condition" and other selfish things.

Secondly, Kyle really just needed some space. Because 700 miles wasn't enough space, and he needed more. Perhaps 701 miles would suffice.

So two weeks after she got out of the hospital, Kyle dumped his girlfriend of three years to see other people.

But ironically, Kyle ended up not having any other people to see. I mean, he saw people at class and stuff, but you know, he didn't find anyone to see*.

(*no one would date his ass.)

But Peyton did. Peyton met Keith, who was not only a really nice guy, but he also didn't dump her when he found out she had a potentially fatal disease.

Well, sure enough Kyle found out about Keith, and lets just say he didn't feel Peyton held up her part of the bargain when he dumped her. She was supposed to be at home crying over Kyle, not dating some guy named Keith. Why, this was more annoying than that stupid diabetes thing!

So Kyle found his corn cob pipe and velvet smoking jacket, and retreated to the study with his long-haired cat to compose a romantic haiku to let Peyton know just how he felt about her dating this Keith character.

Remember, Kyle dumped Peyton.

Here's his haiku:

you disgusting whore. not only is keith fucking ugly as hell, you asked him, the 25 year old man you fucked twice, do i need to get tested for STD's because of you? also you told julie you were single and looking in fucking feb. also in feb you told olivia that you didn't even care that we took a break. i hope your proud of what you've put me through. I loved you with all my heart and you stepped all over it with out a second thought. Noone will ever love you as much as i did and you will be a miserable fucking lonly whore for the rest of your life. I know once you realize this you will come crawling back but dont bother because i will just laugh at you and tell you what a whore you are. On second thought please do so i can step all over you like you did to me. You will never find anyone as good as me and you will regret it for the rest of your life. One day when I am a famous actor and making millions in blockbuster movies you will probably want to kill yourself. I almost feel sorry for you. also i'm serious, do i have to get tested now for std's?

and yes i went on your facebook. now that i found out how little yu really think of me and yourself i wont go through it again"

And just so you know, Kyle is an actor now.

He's currently playing the role of a guy who dropped out of college, moved back in with his parents, and drives around in a shitty-ass Dodge Dakota truck.

I think the movie is called Karma.

Meanwhile, Peyton took on the role of a woman with a new boyfriend.