Saturday, February 21, 2009

A Self Fulfilling Prophecy

As a general rule, women cannot stand needy, insecure and smothering males. Psychologically, above anything else, those traits will repulse a woman faster than baldness, obesity, and lack of cash flow combined. Why? Because a woman, whether she likes it or not, is usually pre-disposed to seek the exact opposite qualities in a male.

On the whole, most women will prefer a challenge rather than the man that kisses her toes 25 hours a day. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? He always has to check up on you, he always thinks you're cheating, he wants to know who you're on the phone with, and he constantly questions your friendship with male acquaintances. He is known as a beta male.

LB was serving in the Army. She was shipping off for a stint in Korea, and had been dating Mike for just a couple months. Mike was an ok guy, and LB insists that although he seemed a little too excited about her, "I thought we had a pretty good thing going."

Before she left, Mike began bringing up the idea of marriage and babies. After two months. LB admits she was pretty young, and "didn't know how to lay the smack down yet."

Learn the smack, ladies, learn the fucking smack. It will save you a lot of trouble down the line dealing with beta, needy, and smothering men.

So LB travels to Korea, and rather than isolate herself in her barracks all night thinking about Mike like she should have, LB dared venture out in an attempt to have an actual social life with her fellow service members, male and female. God forbid.

So after another likely long and boring phone conversation, Mike decided to scribe LB a bizarre and massively insecure letter to discuss some of the "happier things" about their relationship. Except he kind of got sidetracked on the bad part of their relationship (his insecurity), and then pretty much forgot to write about anything else.

I can almost feel his knees shaking in worry as he writes this.

I leave it to you, Mike:

Hey Mrs. xxxxxxx (eventually),

How's Korea? Anyway I thought you would be wondering why this letter was taking so long to get to you. I think about you all the time you know - 24-7, even in my dreams. Every other dream has you in it. Unfortunately not all of the dreams are good ones. I'm not sure if I told you but pretty much all of the girls I've been with have cheated on me. I know it's not fair to you but I can't help but having bad thoughts about you and other guys. It's just that experience has left me very untrusting. Well I don't want to write about it too much - ask me about it the next time we talk - I know I'll be too scared to bring it up. I want to tell you to quit telling me stories about getting drunk with a bunch of guys until 2 in the morning but I'd rather know everything. You don't know how hard it is for me to go every day worrying about this stuff. The sad thing is that even if you don't cheat on me is that I'll probably always believe you did. Well I want to get off this subject and on to happier things - just promise me if you do ever do cheat on me, that you'd keep those lovely lips above the wasteline. Trust me! That would make the difference between a storm and a hurricane. The thought of you having sex with another guy is nothing compared to the thought of you doing that for him. I could probably get over sex but definitely not that. Anyway - we should probably talk about it.

Well, I said I was going to move on to happier things but there's not much to talk about. I just talked to you on the phone 15 minutes ago. I guess I should just let you know that if I had to choose between you and air I'd be dead.


"Naturally," LB writes, "I promptly dumped him."

Way to lay the fucking smack down, baby.

You just saved yourself 10 years of hell.


  1. "Hey Mrs. xxxxxxx (eventually),"


    "The sad thing is that even if you don't cheat on me is that I'll probably always believe you did."

    Face. Palm.

    And I could write a treatise on how fucked up societal fixations on oral sex and the human dynamics thereof are... fixations that this dude seems to have fully internalized. Blegh. Yicky.

  2. "I guess I should just let you know that if I had to choose between you and air I'd be dead."

    OMG! That should be in a list of UNPICKUP lines. You say that to any woman and unless she's psycho too, she is going to run fast and far away from you.

    On a related topic: I recently have had to obtain some additional education for something I'm doing career-wise and part of that education is learning sales techniques.

    Holy shit. What an education it has been.

    Ever hear of "sales objections?" Well, if you're ever going to date anyone whose livelihood has ever depended upon sales, you need to google that phrase and read all that you can, because these are tactics that are going to be used on you.

    I could never figure out why, despite my logical reasoning skills, arguments were always successful re-directed to things that I couldn't argue about. I would try to re-direct and it would fail. Conversations were like trying to pull a Slinky straight - it snapped back to its original twisted position EVERY time.

    Trust me this stuff for yourself.

    Totally enlightening, and now I'm gonna use it on HIM.


  3. There are some guys who read The Game and think it's a how-to manual. Those are the ones you are describing.

    Check out the largest company in this field - Love Systems ( - I think you'll find that there's a lot more depth and complexity in what we do.

  4. "I'm not sure if I told you but pretty much all of the girls I've been with have cheated on me."

    Umm, dude? That isn't 'cheating', that's 'leaving the loser'!

    Falyne, TOTALLY AGREE on that Face.Palm! thing!! What a freaking asssssssss!!!!

    "keep those lovely lips above the wasteline" EWWWW!!!!! I don't EVEN want to know where a guy's 'wasteline' would be! (The taint, maybe? LOL!)

    Good job on dumping THAT, LB! Just look out for the military pick up lines, darlin'!

    "My wife and I are separated" (Yeah, by the whole Pacific Ocean, duh!)

    Weasel, you might want to offer classes at the Learning Tree on avoiding the lines! (Hell, I'd consider going, and I'm well married!)

  5. I think this guy has a serious case of limp-dick.

  6. "I want to tell you to quit telling me stories about getting drunk with a bunch of guys until 2 in the morning..."

    Sounds like she was well into the process of dumping the loser before she got the letter.

  7. I fell for the sensitive, letter/poem-writing type. And? I was ready to get out before we even reached 6 months. I'm stuck.

    LB - good for you. You saved yourself the trouble and heartache.

  8. Maybe I'm just paranoid and weird, but anything other than "Hi, mind if I sit here?" strikes me as A Line. Some lines are funny and cute and will make me tolerate pickup attempts; others are just lame. I dare some guy to ask me my sign, 'cos I happen to know that the date and time I was born, the sun wasn't in any of the accepted twelve constellations used in the standard zodiac, and I'll inform him what my sign actually is and why.

    Pickup Artists get my hackles up. Badly.

    As for this nervous baby, holy cats. During my brief foray into dating sites, I noticed a lot of broken boys:

    "Must be financially stable." Why, 'cos you're not?
    "Must be willing to experiment with sex." Why, 'cos she didn't feel like doing the reverse cowgirl every single time?
    "Must never have cheated on a previous partner." Why, 'cos you're not capable of keeping her sufficiently interested in and out of bed?

    There's a very broad line between lack of confidence and obsessive behaviour, and not only did this guy make it all the way across, he just kept running.

    Maybe guys don't like to think that they're indirectly giving another guy a blowjob. In other words, the fact that someone else's dick was in her mouth means that when you kiss her, you're kissing every other guy she's sucked. Of course, I'm not sure why this is worse than, say, going down on a slutty girl, but apparently it is; on the other hand, the guys who are squicked by their girls going down on someone else are likely not the types to go down on their girls.

  9. Brandy said ""My wife and I are separated" (Yeah, by the whole Pacific Ocean, duh!"

    OMG!! There was a guy at the pier (longshoreman) that was asking a bunch of question about me to a buddy of mine. He noticed the wedding ring on his finger and asked him if he was married. This douchebag replied, "Not when I'm on the East side of the mountain. My buddy informed him that he stood no chance in hell of EVER going out with me and if he ever did get stupid enough to ask me to watch the hell out as I was an ex-Marine and hated guys like him!! LMAO!! He never did ask but I also always tried to get in a different lane than he was working because guys like him just piss me off!!

  10. Katrina said "Some lines are funny and cute and will make me tolerate pickup attempts; others are just lame."

    A buddy of mine, we joke around kind of raunchy sometimes, asked me once if I wanted to come over to his house and slip into something more a coma. All I could do was shake my head laughing. I told him I'd give him that one for originality and that it had me cracking up...well actually both of us were laughing pretty good.

  11. On the topic of beta males, I was just talking to a friend about a date she had. (Bear in mind also that this was her FIRST DATE with the guy.)

    Apparently the guy:

    -Pointed out 4-5 times that he had "a tiny asian penis", and not in a funny way. More in a "this totally bums me out and I need reassurance that it's no big deal" way.

    -Ranted for 15 minutes non-stop about his mother and father's fractious relationship.

    -Ranted for 15 minutes non-stop about the greatness of the band Rush.

    -Ranted for 15 minutes non-stop about the abuse he had suffered as a child.

    -Ranted for 15 minutes non-stop about the greatness of "some video game about killing zombies" (my friend completely tuned out here and couldn't remember what the game was.)

    -Told her he felt "they had a real connection" (she spent the whole date nodding and smiling politely and staring at her drink) and arranged for a huge bouquet of flowers to be sent to her work the next day.

    So, you know. They're definitely out there, ladies. Stay alert.

  12. A "wasteline", eh? I wonder if there's anything Freudian in that.

    Fugs, thanks for the sales objections tip. However, I haven't found a salesperson yet who had any sort of rebuttal for "Fuck. Off." ;P

  13. Wheelin126 - I was in the Corps too! Avionics in helos (6492) LOL! So we're all Ooh Rah Vikings here!

    LOVE that coma line! A funny unusual line WILL get a laugh, and maybe a few extra seconds. But they DO need to be really really original, and that's getting hard to find!

    Although when hubby says, "You come here often?" it cracks me up. Usually the answer is "Only when you're here". Line is usually given in bed.. He's a pretty punny guy!

  14. Katrina, I feel that way as well. If a guy, any guy starts talking to me, and makes a point of siting or standing next to me while I'm out then I regard it as a PU. Here's a tip:
    Don't ask which suburb in my fine city I'm from, because it smacks of creepy stalkerdom.
    It doesn't tell you anything about me either so why ask that?
    Don't ask if I'm out with anyone.
    It feels like you're trying to establish if I'm alone and an easy target which is also creepy! If you want to ask if I have a boyfriend/girlfriend (!) well that's a fair question and it certainly makes your intent clear. I don't know why but most guys who have hit on me use these two as opening lines and they DO NOT WORK.
    Having worked in retail, sales techniques do not work on me. Being charming and an interesting person to talk to does ;)

  15. I dated a guy for 3.5 LONG years like this. He called me and screamed at me on the phone for nearly an hour because I walked home from the student union at college with a group after Rocky Horror Picture Show at midnight. He also came to my house and lectured me about "scaring" him when I was 45 minutes late to his place and he convinced I was dead in a ditch. I thought it was "caring" back then, but now I know it's just psycho and insecure. He hasn't dated since I dumped him on Valentine's Day and all girls are better off since he stalked me via phone and e-mail for years after we ended and he called me some nasty names.

  16. I had an ex (was with him 6 years, broke up because he started hitting me when drinking) come back like 3 years later. I have a guy over my house for a first date. (dinner and rented movie) right at the salad portion I hear my name whined through the open window. I walk to the window and he busted the glass out in my face. Psycho... Cops did nothing even though I gave his name and address.

    Obviously my date *understandably so* excused himself so I can talk to cops and never saw me again. Poor bastard being mixed up in that crap. How dare I move on?

  17. o someone's got not-so-subtexty cuckold fantasies hasn't he...

  18. What a silly moronic stereotype!'
    I LOVE those men. Cute betas who like to obey me and dance around me all the time.

  19. LB is such a female dog! She is just too dense to appreciate thin soul. All she wants is material posessions and powers. Wish all the bad.
    -Abdullah the Gut Slasher

  20. Really, this is a "beta" male? Because I hardly think of mine as an "alpha" and he is NOTHING like this.

  21. As there are many guys out there like this, there is just the same amount of girls just as crazy.

  22. Hi, my name is Sam, I found this site called and after I followed the instructions on it, it helped me get my ex back, and we love each other now and forever :)