Thursday, February 5, 2009

Fun With Texting!

PLFM readers, today we're going to play a little game. I'm going to give you a recipe, and you need to guess what it is. Ready?

In a mid-sized plastic bowl, mix:

One (1) "seems kind of nice."
One (1) "pretty much keeps to himself."
One (1) "doesn't say much."

Stir lightly. Add one date.

What's the recipe?

If you guessed "a fucking psychopathic stalker," you win a pair of pants made out of the scalps of Brownie Troop #472.

Congratulations, and please remember to refrigerate your stylish new flesh pants.

PLFM reader Sarah writes in about her brief encounter with a man named Derek:

"I used to take my work to the Starbucks in the lower level of my building. This one guy was always there and he was kind of cute, not really my type though. So one day I ended up sitting next to him and he smiled at me, so I thought I'd introduce myself. He didn't say much but we talked little bit, I just figured he was shy but he seemed pretty nice."

"Before I left he asked me if I wanted to go out sometime which kind of shocked me. He seemed really nervous but harmless so we exchanged phone numbers, and I admit I was kind of desperate for a real date. He called me to see if I wanted to meet him after work the next day so I agreed."

"The date was kind of awkward at first because he just kind of kept to himself at first. Then after a few drinks Derek opened up a bit more but there was just something really off about him. I ended up getting wasted and he walked me a mile home."

And after that, Sarah and Derek walked off into the sunset surrounded by woodland creatures and songbirds.

Oh, wait. I forgot this part:

"So he asks me out again, and I said OK. I thought maybe he was just one of those quiet guys and we'd get to know each other a little better on the next date."

"The next week I was sitting in the Starbucks with my brother Mark who was in town and I get this text from Derek:

"hey u fuckin bitch enjoy ur date u hore i hope he gives you herpies"

Not to let some douchebag get the best of her, Sarah decided to send him a nice little text in response:

"Im with my brother you asshole."

Is the relationship over? Apparently not, because several hours later, Sarah gets another text from Derek:

"sorry bout earlier i didnt know so what time to you want to meet tomorrow?"

I would really like to be the fly in the soup of that dinner conversation.

But Sarah, for some reason, never texted him back.


  1. WOW! Yup. That beats my ex's text and then some. I like how he just tried to play it off like, "Oh! So you're not a fucking whore? Oh, that's good. I was worried I'd have to chain you to the radiator on our FIRST date and I really hate doing that because I usually don't have the right sized handcuffs and I haven't had time to line the trunk of my car in plastic sheeting yet and then I stress out so... what time are we meeting later?"

  2. And men wonder, they HONESTLY WONDER, why we could POSSIBLY be hesitant to give out our number or talk to unfamiliar men.

    You can't tell a fucking creep just by looking.

  3. Oh my fucking god. Nice to know that people's ability to read body language is so finely-honed (of course I'm only assuming that Sarah wasn't sitting in her brother's lap, ha ha).

    What's a herpy? Maybe her brother will in fact give her one, or a bonded pair, for her birthday.

  4. Is a herpy like a harpy? Maybe a male harpy? Or an immature harpy?

    Once I went out to the movies with my [very out, very gay] male friend and when we came back my psycho ex-boyfriend made a big show of sniffing me and said, "I can smell him on you." Ugh. He was a total herpy.

  5. In a totally unrelated note...the little word they ask you to type in to verify you're a person was "chopho." O.o Hopefully not something prophetic!

  6. He meant herpes- as in the STD.

  7. Hahaha, thanks for the clarification Weasel, but we know. :D We just enjoy poking fun at terrible spelling and grammar.

  8. this sounds like something I might text as a JOKE to a VERY GOOD FRIEND that would a)get the joke, and b)do the same thing to me!

    Definitely totally creepy froma guy you just met!

  9. Actually, Weas, THIS is a herpy:
    herpy: also known as the Guianan Cock-of-the-rock, the herpy is notable for the male's bright orange plumage and dramatic half-moon shaped head crest, which sometimes totally obscures its beak and lends it an odd appearance.

    Okay, not really, but the herpy joke had me laughing out loud and this was a metaphorically amusing way of bringing it back.

  10. "And men wonder, they HONESTLY WONDER, why we could POSSIBLY be hesitant to give out our number or talk to unfamiliar men.

    You can't tell a fucking creep just by looking."

    THANK YOU. I have my own lady friends wonder why I'm so skittish about men sometimes, why I cant seem to go out on a date with anyone unless I've at least known them in some form for a while.


  11. I think the term "TwatWaffle" applies here.

  12. Okay, that bit about the flesh-pants I should not have read whilst drinking orange juice.

    As for a herpy, an immature male harpy sounds about right to me, and I am SO using it a la tooyoungtocare! (my ex was a herpy, too)

  13. OMG - LMAO!!!!!
    For a good laugh at another txt msg from hell (shamless plug for my blog)

  14. This blog is great.. !

    And I didn't realize that this post was the reason why I myself do NOT get involved with men I don't know. They must have references. There was always some unknown, unnamed, nagging sense, but this post has put a face to that sense! I will direct my mother and other nosey people to this post when they inquire what *my* problem is!

  15. Wow, this is the PERFECT example of: When your gut says run run! There was a guy on Oprah that said somethink like 97% of all 'survivors' say something like "it seemed off, but then....."

  16. What a loser!

  17. Thanks a lot for your advice guys, it helped me a lot, I went to and followed their step by step instructions and it worked perfectly, now me and my girlfriend are back together.