Friday, February 6, 2009

A Day At The Lake

PLFM reader SG recently ventured to the intertubes to try her hand at a little online romance.

Somehow she ends up meeting a guy who actually had the balls to not include an actual picture of his balls in his online personal ad.

So this guy decides to take SG to the lake, which actually kind of sounds like a nice way to spend a first date. It's quiet, remote, and a great place to dump a body. Did I say that out loud?

"Halfway through the date," SG writes "he asked me how things were going. I told him I didn't see us having a romantic future, but that I was really enjoying his company." What she also didn't tell him, but she will tell us, is that she just wanted to stay at the lake. He had threatened to leave if she didn't feel any chemistry.

The next day, SG gets a strange email from her date. It says something like this:

"I'd like to know the percentage of the likelihood that we will have a relationship."

A bizarre question deserves a bizarre answer, so SG responds with "4%." (I gather she was staring at a milk carton when she answered that question.)

SG's suitor then requested one more date at his home an hour away by train. SG said she would be willing to visit him, but only if he understood that she had no romantic feelings towards him. Would that be OK?

Ready for the fun kids?

Because here's his response in 3... 2... 1....

Here's more or less how things are going to go from here. You have two choices. You can:a) never hear from me again.b) Call me before 3:30 pm. Apologize in a sincere fashion for being dishonest and foolishly, prematurely judgmental. We had no opportunity to establish chemistry Sunday. You will sincerely acknowledge that. If you wish, you may admit that your reaction has been due to the embarrassing way you presented yourself, and a desire to avoid feeling as though you were the unattractive party (you were). You will give your word never to lie to me again under any circumstances.

If I believe you, I will say so and graciously accept your apology. You will then ride the BART to Fremont, arriving no later than 6pm. You will call me. I will pick you up.I realize you probably have plans, and am totally unmoved by any problems this causes you. We will have dinner. At no time will you complain or question my directions, you will simply follow them. You will trust in my demonstrated honesty and respect for you. Since you're a free citizen, you'll have the opportunity to leave at any time. Doing so will result in us never speaking again. I will not negotiate with passive-aggressive, disrespectful people unless I absolutely have to. I don't have to in your case. This is your one and only chance to become my friend, much less anything more.

FWIW, I really enjoyed writing this, on so many levels."

Good to know fine sir, because SG really enjoyed lining her fucking birdcage with your little bitch-ass soliloquy.

Say, your Dad didn't happen to swat around your mother much, did he?

Yeah, I didn't think so.


  1. Holy shit...these trump the mild one I got from 'shit stains' (see WWHM)

    some hide it very well no matter how discerning you are...but they make for funny stories and in the case of PLFM a pleasurable public mockery at their expense

  2. I suspect somebody's been studying the techniques of "pickup artists," perhaps those of the infamous "Dmitri the lover," whose sad, sorry phone messages are the stuff of Homo psycho legend:

    Funny? Maybe not:

    Sometimes psycho really is...psycho.

  3. Woah, what an absolute charmer, I am Dominate Man hear me roar.

  4. Good lord. This isn't even funny, it really does sound psychotic. I would not be surprised to see this guy in the papers one day and not for awards for giving to children's charities.

    Sad thing is, I'm sure there are women this would have worked on. Thank all the gods that it didn't work on SG.

  5. Aaaaand here's why lots of women hesitate to go out with men they aren't completely certain of.

    I'm very glad that SG didn't wind up the subject of a three-day dredging operation after a fisherman found her left foot.

    That is fucking disturbing. What a complete fucking asshole.

  6. This guy actually seems scary. Of course, if he's a five-foot-one, 110lb nerd, this would just be funny. But I don't know what he looks like, so we'll go with scary.
    I hope he doesn't know where you live, SG. If so, lock your doors and windows at night.

  7. 5'1" 110 pound nerds are perfectly capable of killing people in horrible ways, Hollybeanie. Perhaps moreso since people assume they aren't intimidating.

    Myself, I tend to assign "scary" labels based on behavior and motivation. Seems safer that way. Like this scary psycho! Egads...

  8. Wow. :) Yeah, my thoughts went in the exact same direction as PixieCorpse's. He must have bought into the "women like dominant males" bullcrap.
    Or he's just a fucknut.

  9. Oh... my... god.

    "You will not have a brain, a will, or sense my terrible need for control from this letter, which loves me more than you do"

  10. omg...that's almost too scary to be funny. What a total whack-job. Watch for that winner in the papers!

  11. It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again...

  12. He watched nine and a half weeks and failed to understand it. Fortunately, his understanding is so limited I doubt any woman has fallen for his masterful line. I once went on a date with a guy and told him that I didn't want to date him again. He turned up at my house, begged me to go for a drive then when I agreed basically abducted me. Fortunately his car blew up before we got more than ooh, fifty miles. Waiting for the pickup truck lacked some of the drama he was hoping for. The point of relating this is that that was nowhere near as scary as this letter.

  13. I'm frightened mostly because that means this guy lives in my area...Yeeesh. What a maroon!

  14. "It's quiet, remote, and a great place to dump a body. Did I say that out loud?"

    Weasel, thanks for the snorting of Cherry Coca-Cola for that one...ROFL

    But on the other hand, and dammit, can't find the post on WWHM - it sounds like the guy used one of those personal ad templates a tad for his letter. It's precise timing - deadline at 3 again and overall tone of the letter...

    For I remember reading the post, but doggone it, the title eludes me. Any help in finding that post so I (and anyone else) can compare? I'm a tad curious to see if this is true.

  15. My reply to that would be:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... I laughed so hard at your reply I almost peed my pants.

    I will go with option A.

  16. holy fuck hahaha that made me angry just reading that... I think I would go on the date.. go into the restaurant... stand on my chair, and read his fucking letter to the whole place... god what a shithead hahahaha

  17. Yeah........I'd have gone with option A, too.

  18. Man if this guy wants a submissive lady so bad he would be much better off hitting some BDSM clubs.

  19. He'd better be careful! Falling off a high-horse like that is bound to be dangerous!

  20. Now that letter just screams PSYCHOTIC.
    Being a demanding cuntrag never works for anyone.
    It always amazes me when you meet people online sometimes, because they think they are God's gift to the female gender, when they are nothing more than wasted sperm.
    I hope the nice men with the white coats come and pick him up soon, they must be missing him at the asylum by now.

  21. Holy shit - he must be related to the married guy that chased after me for awhile. I hope he finds his way back to the nuthouse - and they lock him up and throw away the key!!!

  22. actually hit it on the head the guy I was thinking of.

    Unfortunately the WWHM blog post about him was deleted...Man, Weasel. *sigh*

    But don't tell me there's not correlations between that letter and the second message:

    Dmitrit's Second Message

  23. -blink- He thinks that'll work? Really? Earth to cro-magnan, welcome to THIS century.

    Ya know what I would have done? Sent him a sniviling apologetic message back agreeing to meet him. Not that I'd go... and about 10 minutes after I was demanded to show up, I'd send another message about "damn, were you actually dumb enough to go there thinking I'd show up? BWHAHAHAHAHA LOSER!".

  24. Yeah, I'd be all over the "a" option as well. And I'd want to get that "Doing so will result in our never speaking again" in writing. Scary. Brrrr.

  25. ... This one gave me some very scary flashbacks...


  26. Play it safe - don't reply, and lock your door and windows! It's fun to THINK about toying with these seriously deranged individuals, but who knows what trigger you'll trip if you do something to embarass/piss him off. He might just snap and hurt or kill you.

    Reading these letters makes me SO glad I'm married to a really great man! I think if I were thrown back in the 'dating pool' again I'd probably just be alone for the rest of my life.

  27. You see this is what I hate about dating - what you thought was going to be a pleasant getting to know a new person experience turns into “FUCK do I have to MOVE now & line my garden with razor wire and change my phone number?”

    Girls I really really recommends Gavin De Beckers book -The Gift of Fear - some very good pointers on spotting Ted Bundy types.

    You know though, first date - some remote lake with someone you don’t know?
    Not without a tazer in my handbag

  28. Eccentric_Lady--yeah, that 3 o'clock deadline thing screamed "Dmitri the [psychotic criminal] Lover." Brrrrr.

  29. Yeah, I agree with Endurance Rider - and since I am suddenly single again, I am seriously contemplating just staying that way. There are way too many crazies out there. If I should ever consider dating again, I will be running background checks on any guy I agree to see. Yikes, what a scary loser.

  30. A: You can never hear from me again

    B: You will show up at my house and systematically be dismembered by a chainsaw.

    Yeah, I'd pick A too.

  31. "Andi said...

    A: You can never hear from me again

    B: You will show up at my house and systematically be dismembered by a chainsaw."

    No kidding! Avoid psycho at all costs... and possibly time to invest in a high powered taser. That guy is scaaaaaary.

  32. OMG!!! That letter freaked me out and I don't even know the psycho bastard..THANK GOD!! I don't think I could run fast enough to get away from him. That is definitely a "I choose option A". This guy probably would also let you know when you could use the bathroom, eat, sleep and anything else including breathing...what an ASSTARD!!!

  33. Holy cow. I'm late on commenting here, but I would be so tempted...I tell you, to get the Dominatrix gear, dress in full high-heels, rubber black skins, mega long nails, a nice long driving whip, and show up with a chain and collar for him and scare the living bejeezus out of him. "You ever write to me like that again, and your ass will burn for a week."

    Wanna bet he runs for the hills, tail tucked?

  34. Did she reply to him? I really want to know what she said. Then again, I doubt any message would get through his thick, self-deluding skull.

  35. Hey there, I, SG, never replied to him. I just sent it around to some friends for laughs. I was decidedly in the "a" camp!

  36. Hahahah! Holy shit he takes Bart!
    I love the insanity on bart...

  37. This crazy asshole is from Fremont?! God I wish his first name was mentioned.

  38. Bullet? Consider yourself dodged.

  39. Dear GOD does that sound like my ex. o_O

  40. It just begs for a reply:

    You will start regularly seeing a therapist within two weeks.

    You will abstain from dating until you jockey your sad little self into some semblance of adulthood.

    You will never speak to me again."

  41. -from Gorean Dating Techniques Volume I

  42. I'm reading these in reverse because I'm a late comer to this blog, and now am hooked.
    My main thought on this one is is it just me or does this guy sound like he could be the guy who wrote the 4 page rules for his wife? The two of them sound like they would be best friends.