A Day At The Lake

PLFM reader SG recently ventured to the intertubes to try her hand at a little online romance.

Somehow she ends up meeting a guy who actually had the balls to not include an actual picture of his balls in his online personal ad.

So this guy decides to take SG to the lake, which actually kind of sounds like a nice way to spend a first date. It's quiet, remote, and a great place to dump a body. Did I say that out loud?

"Halfway through the date," SG writes "he asked me how things were going. I told him I didn't see us having a romantic future, but that I was really enjoying his company." What she also didn't tell him, but she will tell us, is that she just wanted to stay at the lake. He had threatened to leave if she didn't feel any chemistry.

The next day, SG gets a strange email from her date. It says something like this:

"I'd like to know the percentage of the likelihood that we will have a relationship."

A bizarre question deserves a bizarre answer, so SG responds with "4%." (I gather she was staring at a milk carton when she answered that question.)

SG's suitor then requested one more date at his home an hour away by train. SG said she would be willing to visit him, but only if he understood that she had no romantic feelings towards him. Would that be OK?

Ready for the fun kids?

Because here's his response in 3... 2... 1....

Here's more or less how things are going to go from here. You have two choices. You can:a) never hear from me again.b) Call me before 3:30 pm. Apologize in a sincere fashion for being dishonest and foolishly, prematurely judgmental. We had no opportunity to establish chemistry Sunday. You will sincerely acknowledge that. If you wish, you may admit that your reaction has been due to the embarrassing way you presented yourself, and a desire to avoid feeling as though you were the unattractive party (you were). You will give your word never to lie to me again under any circumstances.

If I believe you, I will say so and graciously accept your apology. You will then ride the BART to Fremont, arriving no later than 6pm. You will call me. I will pick you up.I realize you probably have plans, and am totally unmoved by any problems this causes you. We will have dinner. At no time will you complain or question my directions, you will simply follow them. You will trust in my demonstrated honesty and respect for you. Since you're a free citizen, you'll have the opportunity to leave at any time. Doing so will result in us never speaking again. I will not negotiate with passive-aggressive, disrespectful people unless I absolutely have to. I don't have to in your case. This is your one and only chance to become my friend, much less anything more.

FWIW, I really enjoyed writing this, on so many levels."

Good to know fine sir, because SG really enjoyed lining her fucking birdcage with your little bitch-ass soliloquy.

Say, your Dad didn't happen to swat around your mother much, did he?

Yeah, I didn't think so.