Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Photo Finish

Ahhh, the blissful escapades of a blossoming relationship.

Everything your significant other does is cute.

Everything they say is funny.

And everything sounds like a great idea, as long as you're doing it together.

Great ideas like, say, making a porn tape together after a night of drinking.

Lo and behold, one year later, not everything your partner does is so cute anymore.

That little laugh you used to think was so cute now sounds like a dull hacksaw on a fucking beer can.

What was once a cute little snore has morphed into checking to see whether he fell asleep with a goddamn hot grilled cheese sandwich lodged in his esophagus.

And that porn tape?

Change the name from "Honolulu 8-31-08" to "Evidence".

Just a note, from a guy, to all women. You know that porn tape and / or porn pictures he took that one night? You know, the ones he got rid of / deleted?

They never delete them.

For this exact reason.

Enjoy.

Dear Andrea,

I’m going to spare you sad descriptions of my inside parts and stick to facts; After all, the goal here is not to endow your already rich shitty poetry collection but to hurt your feelings.

1. You dumped me. This certainly gives you the tactical advantage. This advantage will last until you find out (now) that I didn’t cheat on you but did keep Deloitte-quality records of girls who wanted to sleep with me and their contact information while we were involved. Some call this insurance. Others call it not being fully committed. There’s not a word for “fucking the pain away with a different chick each week”, but if there was i’d call it that.

2. I am feeling the loss. I have no romantic notions about the loss. I had a girlfriend, now I don’t. You had a boyfriend, now you don’t. I have to find someone else to do stuff with. I do take solace in the fact that I have a lot more going for me than you do, generally. I get to take that stuff with me. While you focused on accumulating stupid trinkets and cultivating insipid friendships I’ve always worked on improving myself and my circumstances (to a fault, sure).

4. Mentally generate likely insults about your sexuality in these categories:

General Physical Appearance
Ability To Orgasm Only When Being Choked Lightly
Dull Uniformity/”Groundhog Day”-ish Sex
Odd diction during sex (i.e. “Call me a whore”)

5. I was going to write something here about not contacting me ever again, but then I thought that I should be honest. You may contact me anytime (between the hours of 1:30am-2:45 am Weeknights and 10:30pm-12:30am on school nights). Of course, this contact should only be to arrange a time/place for having depressing sex and me calling you a whore.

A few small points:

The way you tell stories is really annoying. The tapes you run whenever someone says a keyword are probably the worst. When you have to say “no I’m not even done” while telling a story the listener really wants you to be done.

I’m pretty sure you cheated on me during your recent trip to xxxxxxxx. I didn’t say anything but I did log into your cell phones user interface (you’re a genius when you autosave your logins on MY laptop), copy the texts of those conversations and email them to myself. If you ever fuck with me I’ll probably reply all to your ‘my birthday party directions!!!!!!!!’ email and include that photo I took with my camera phone on our vacation to xxxxxx. You know, the one where you were doing that thing to me that I’d practically have to beg for, thus losing all pleasure associated with someone doing that thing to you. Your friends and family will certainly think I’m a lunatic but they’ll probably also have some thoughts about you. Maybe the photo will help me generate some leads for my project mentioned earlier in item #1.

Thanks for it all.
Chris


Thanks to Andy at Misanthropy Today.

49 comments:

  1. LAME.

    The bigger loser is the one who has to show off naked pics of his ex.

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  2. Wow. While he can spell and can use the written word, the most reaction this note would get from me a slight shrug of my shoulders as I hit "delete". I'm glad she dumped this loser!!! (and kept the email, so we could all poke fun at it)

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  3. ...what happened to number 3?

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  4. I wanna know that too, Kim.... LOL

    Just wow. Like Fugs said, we don't exactly jump at the chance to "redeem ourselves"... we pass these around and laugh.

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  5. It was submitted by the guy actually...

    I'm terribly interested in what sex act he is referring to

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  6. Good catch Kim. His spelling and grammar's okay, but um, he obviously can't count. o.O


    Some guys really need to pay attention to some advice from Despair.com: Persistence

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  7. Well, I actually thought the letter was funny.

    But, I don't understand the point of taking the time to write it. She broke it off. Done, over. That's it. Can't make anyone like you, much less love you.

    Time to move on. He just burned the bridge behind him.

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  9. Now Weasel, isn't it a little silly to anonymize a letter and then link us over to the original, where he writes his real name?

    I'm glad he cleaned it up before posting it (here or there) but I find the admission of whiskey as an accompaniment to the writing unsurprising. I think you'd have to have balls of steel otherwise!

    I find it amusing that he defines pillow talk as "odd diction"... and by #4, which would probably make me laugh rather than feel bad if I were to get this letter addressed to me.

    I do think it's scummy to save all of her text message convos for blackmail down the road (even if she was stupid to leave her access info), especially with threats of using what seems to be borderline boring pornographic evidence. Weak sauce.

    Overall, I find it a pretty vanilla letter as far as 'psychotic letters' go. Creative for bits, but none of the creepy.

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  10. i'm not sure that "call me a whore" qualifies as pillow talk in the classic sense.

    pillow talk is more like "baby i'll never leave you" and that kind of nonsense.

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  11. That's the best he could do?

    Threaten to send out one pic of an ex in a sex act. Rather weak if you ask me.

    Oh and Baron, if you still have the tape and the pic's, go ahead and show them off to your friends. They will laugh at you, knowing you fucked up a good thing by being the whiny bitch, like the one featured today on WWHM!

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  12. I'm not sure "odd diction" applies in the *any* sense, unless she all of a sudden develops a lisp or accent while asking you to call her a whore.

    My pillow talk, while it has not yet involved that phrase (and likely won't), must be a little more colorful than the classic definition allows. ;)

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  13. Yawn. I don't find this pyschotic, or even clever. Not even a bleep on my oog-o-meter.

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  14. Thingsthatperplexme, diction, when used to discuss poetry or literature, means "word choice," not just how one says his/her words.

    I thought the letter was pretty snappy, but the threats took away from the awesomeness of it and just made it sort of pathetic; he takes the sort of post-breakup first strike, but then holds up the blackmail and screams, "Don't hit me back!" Yeah, the badassery all sorta fled at that.

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  15. Biskuits, does that mean if she's chosen a synonym of whore then her diction would have been more normal? "Call me a slut" carries the same general idea, and would still not be considered "odd diction" by the vast majority of people. Besides, he wasn't writing a sonnet to her...

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  16. "Deloitte-quality records"

    WTF???

    http://paullinnthoroughbredcheater.blogspot.com/

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  17. Geez...*yawn* I'm going to the previous thread, and give CNJ high-five for her shit sticking comment :)

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  18. Thingsthatperplexme, I found the sentence odd, as well. I'm just telling you that when he was trying to be a douche about her apparent preference for dirty talk, he wasn't COMPLETELY off the mark, just a little too far to one side. Plus, it's always fun to learn new definitions for words!

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  19. I love the whining about how now he doesn't have anybody to do stuff with. Um, don't you have any FRIENDS? If I break up with someone, I still have A LOT of people to do stuff with...they are called FRIENDS.

    Sounds like other than Rachel, his closest relationship is with his X-box.

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  20. Poor guy. So eager to get to the end where he can threaten to send her picture out he forgot how to count.

    This is why I NEVER save any personal information on anyone else's computer. Didn't she learn the golden rule???

    NO pictures NO video DENY DENY DENY!!!!



    www.badfirstdates.blogspot.com

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  21. biskuits - I have an english lit degree ;) I think he just fails there.

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  22. Um, hate to break rank, ladies, but has it occured to any of you that she might be a total head case? Sure the dude is pretty harsh, but some chicks can bring out the worst in guys. And yes, I'm a chick and I've been married 28 years and we still have hot sex. I know enough not to beat the life out of a man.

    {"Deloitte-quality records" WTF???}

    I believe he's referring to a Chicago accounting firm.

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  23. A perfect example of why I never let some asshat take compromising photos of me....

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  24. heh, this blog is awesome.
    Just wanted to let you know, I'll be reading.

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  25. i think Chris is brilliant.

    he states in the very first paragraph WHY he was taking the time to write, "After all, the goal here is not to endow your already rich shitty poetry collection but to hurt your feelings," and goes on to say, "You dumped me. This certainly gives you the tactical advantage."

    He's hurt, for whatever reason, so he wants to hurt back.

    And i bet it did too:)

    Love it.

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  26. Hmm I kinda liked this letter.. the guy came across as quite funny, rather than psychotic. Maybe the girl was the problem.

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  27. I find it amusing that he complains about the dull sex, and about having to beg about what I assume is a blowjob (since I don't know a guy who "begs" for any sexual act more than that, kinks aside) yet she was the one to do the dumping. He's digging around for as many hurtful things he can say to her as possible, 'cos babby got hurted himself. He admits it, after all.

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  28. Fugly, obviously he doesn't, and didn't want her to have any either:

    "While you focused on accumulating stupid trinkets and cultivating insipid friendships I’ve always worked on improving myself and my circumstances (to a fault, sure)."

    Friends? What are these friends things of which you speak?!? You must love only me!!! Friends are insipid!!!!!

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  29. every single person that replied to this letter with a "meh" is obviously a clueless femi-nazi...this letter is pure gold - the epitome of comedy. Kudos to the author!!!

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  30. But what if I /want/ to hear about his "inside parts?" He could have a care for the shitty poetry collections owned by the rest of us. Sheesh.

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  31. I mean I even kind of like women, but...

    My. Hero.

    XOXO

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  33. thanks for the nice comments.

    Weasel changed the name from Andy to Chris to protect my good name because he likes my site.

    I appreciate it, but I was the psycho who wrote it. The girls name wasn't Andrea either-- that'd be a weird brother-sister couple type thing "andy & andrea!".

    A few clarifications:

    - I wasn't against her having friends, or buying useless crap, I just don't think her friends were great and the crap, as mentioned, was useless. Basically I was just pointing out that she wastes her time.

    - Re: the dull sex and staying around. I don't think i'm the only person who has done this. Sometimes a relationship and it's moving parts becomes a commodity and you see it as such. Not "good sex"--- just "sex" written on a white label in Impact font; among other things "drinking partner" etc.

    - And the girl wasn't terrible or anything, very average (which says more about women than about me) overall. Very cute but very poor personality. This is something you girls need to focus more on.

    http://www.misanthropytoday.com

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  34. i actually found the letter very amusing. got a giggle out of me. i especially enjoyed the fact that you gave her the option to come up with her own insults.

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  35. "This is something you girls need to focus more on."

    Dude. Fuck. Off.

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  36. personally I loved this letter. It is pure honesty in its bare form. And it made me giggle.

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  37. To the asshat who wrote this pathetic letter and then 'clarified' it in the comments.

    You're a passive aggressive, pathetic piece of shit. I doubt anyone around you actually likes you. Most are probably stuck being around due to familial ties or work. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that someone's been slowly slipping you crushed glass in your food.

    Do the world a favour - eat shit and die. Then I'll go work on my 'personality'.

    Shithead.

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  38. Seconded! What a couple of asswipes! XD Luis and Misanthropy Today? FUCK OFF.

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  39. Luis and Misanthropytoday are now elected into my holy ranks of putting female dogs right where they belong.
    Good job, boys!
    -Abdullah the Gut Slasher

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  40. hahah. She cheated on the dude and then broke up with him. I dont see nothing wrong with his reaction. What he should do is, if she submitted this letter around, send the pictures to her friends.

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  41. See I'm a female, but my issue with a lot of these letters is the stories seem one-sided. True, some of them sound psychotic, but others just sound like someone pushed over the brink by betrayal. This one could go either way. Maybe he is just a whiny asshole. But if somebody cheated on me and dumped me and was stupid enough to leave a compromising photo behind, I would blow it up to the size of a fucking city block, paste it to the side of a blimp and sail that bitch all over town. Be real, all of you would.

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  42. "This is something you girls need to focus more on."

    Have to agree with the others on this one...Fuck Off!!

    "I would blow it up to the size of a fucking city block, paste it to the side of a blimp and sail that bitch all over town."

    Ha! You bet you're ass I would!

    And yes I know, commenting on a very old post, but I just found this site yesterday. I'm still catching up!

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  43. To previous Anon - I just found this site today, so don't feel too bad about commenting on an old post! :)

    I too am a woman, and in some ways a feminist, but by NO MEANS a femi nazi!

    I found his letter to be both funny and a little sad, but not psychotic by any means. I've known some psychotic people and this doesn't come anywhere near it. It seems to me, as one person commented, to be someone lashing out because they were hurt. Quite a normal reaction to want to hurt the one who hurt you.
    What I find a little sad is that (I believe one person commented on whiskey being the bulwark for writing the letter) he had to have a stabilizing force to write what he did. Which to me, didn't seem an overly harsh reaction. I think he is probably a nice guy actually.

    As for his comment of "Very cute, but very poor personality. This is something you girls need to focus more on.", might seem very asshole-ish but it is something I have found to be true more times than not. And that can be said of both men and women.

    I do find it interesting that you said she needed to be lightly choked into having an orgasm but yet you said sex was bland. What it may seem contradictory, it spells out to me that you two were not meant for the long run. So, it is probably best that you are no longer together. Especially if you had to beg for a blow job! I don't understand why so many women seem to find that repulsive, I really don't...

    Take heart Andy, not all women, even the 'very cute' ones, are shallow, self-centered bitches!

    Cheers, and good luck to you in your romantic endeavors!

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  44. Why would this dude want the whole internet to know how pathetic he is? I am baffled as to why he sent it in.

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  45. I agree, anon@1.19. Read between the lines here, and it looks like a control freak's plea for attention. She did the breaking up, and yet he feels the need to write a letter that is a thinly veiled attempt to evoke jealousy or regret:

    'I'm totally having tons of hot sex right now! No really! I'm getting so much pussy and not just stewing in front of my computer weeping! I'm sooooo glad you dumped me and not upset or bitter at all! Woohoo! *CRYCRYWEEPWAAAH*'

    Needless to say, no one but a complete retard would fall for this gambit, and only an utter twat would write this letter rather than just moving on.

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  46. To say "This is something you girls need to work on" is ridiculous. Its generalizing to assume ALL girls are "cute but a poor personality". I get that she dumped you, and you were pissed and hurt, but grow up. Sometimes relationships don't work out, but you don't HAVE to throw a hissy fit about it. Just grieve the loss and move on. When you write a letter like this it just makes you look dumb. Wherer does that fit into your "working on improving" yourself? Looks like you still have some work to do....

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  47. Glad to see Im not the only person reading discontinued blogs.

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  48. (which says more about women than about me)

    This should be part of the definition of sexist prick. Nothing is ever your fault, is it? It's all the bad women!

    Ugh.

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