Saturday, February 14, 2009

PLFM Classics: The Unemployed Bum

Lynn was working her ass off and going to college full-time to fulfill her dream of becoming a veterinarian.

Matt was a.... um, hold on here, ... oh yeah, he was a "filmmaker."

Without a film. Or an idea. Or a script. Or actors, or a story, or you know, anything that has at least something to do with making a film, which I think is what being a "filmmaker" entails.

You wouldn't understand anyway, because you're not a filmmaker. It's a purely conceptual yet very complex job you can just do in your head. With your eyes closed, lying on the couch while watching Judge Judy. Every day. For months. It's very difficult. You have to be a thinker. Believe me, you'll never understand.

Anyway, he lived at a party house with all his party friends that his Dad paid for, he didn't have a job that actually involved "work" as you or I might define it, and he couldn't get a job because he didn't have a driver's license, but he couldn't get a driver's license because he didn't have a job, and he..... are your eyes tired? You get the picture.

But here comes mean little "Mrs. Work-all-the-time" Lynn up in poor little filmmaker Matt's face one day, telling him she's concerned he just seems a little unmotivated. And by doing so, she just totally ruined a great scene Matt was writing in his head as he lay on the couch amidst a sea of Cheeto bags and moldy sweatsocks.

"It's like I'm going somewhere with my life and you're not," she expressed with great concern to her unmotivated jackass of a boyfriend.

Did I say just unmotivated jackass? Shit, I meant filmmaker.

But Lynn, like all you readers out there, just doesn't understand the fine art of filmmaking. You see, part of the conceptual process of making a film is playing Xbox and sleeping all day, and then getting too fucked up every night to go get a driver's license the next day.

I mean, the DMV closes at 5 pm. Who the hell gets up before 5 pm?

Here, why don't I just let Matt explain it you:

First off, the motivation thing. It's true that I do have a slight motivation problem. It's no surprise, I've had it for years. I am working to rid myself of it, but to tell the truth, it's kinda difficult. Actually, it's a pain in the ass. But hey, just takes time. The driver's license thing? That'll happen. Don't know when, but probably sooner rather than later. Job? That goes hand in hand with the license. Movie? Working on it. BEEN working on it. Of course, you already know that.

"I'm going somewhere with my life and you're not." Great. I'm a victim of cliche. You're working your way through college, and after x number of years, you'll graduate with a degree and find a job in your chosen field. I, however, have absolutely no idea what sort of time span I'm looking at. Gotta write a script, find a cast, find a crew, shoot the movie, edit the movie, release the movie, hope it catches someone's eye, repeat. Filmmaking is an art, and like all other art types, the artist's success depends on the number of people that view his/her piece and their overall reaction to it. Completely unpredictable, but you know what? I'm willing to chance it. Because even though I might end up a complete and utter failure, the possibilty of success makes it worth the risk.

Did you tell her that you couldn't be involved with anyone who does drugs because it might jeopardize your career in the medical profession? Because I gotta say(as a friend) ... that's just not cool. Putting career above people is not a nice thing to do. In fact, I believe it makes a very definite statement of character.

Which brings us to the final issue: will I change? Will I realize that drugs are a bad thing and swear that I will never touch them again? Will I go off to college, get a degree, and attempt to lead a normal life just life everyone else? Two words: fuck no.

The point is, I'm not going to change my beliefs and I doubt you're going change yours, so I guess from that standpoint there is a certain incompatibility between us.We just need to accept the fact that it didn't work out, and put all this behind us. I can only hope that you're as willing to remain friends as I am.

Matt

Did you hear that? He's so unmotivated, that he can't even motivate himself to become unmotivated. Is that even possible? Someone Google it.

Needless to say, they never spoke again.

Lynn is now a practicing vet tech.

Matt is a .... yeah, you know.

26 comments:

  1. Putting career above people is not a nice thing to do. In fact, I believe it makes a very definite statement of character.
    He, he. Yes. Equating your drug habit with being a person, is also a great statement of character. Now shoo, pothead. :p

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  2. Hey, at least he was honest from the git-go.

    I'm an ex vet tech who married an actor. One minute he had a 30K a year job and we were going house hunting. The next thing I knew, he had done nothing but look at porn over my internet connection and smoke weed for 8 months. When we went to counseling, he said the only problem with the marriage was "she grew up and I didn't."

    He was 15 years older than I was. The very day I told him I was divorcing him, he was suddenly, miraculously able to find the job that had eluded him for so long.

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  3. Filmmaking is an art, and like all other art types, the artist's success depends on the number of people that view his/her piece and their overall reaction to it.

    Bullshit. The success of an artist is dependent on how much fucking work he's willing to put into it. Art doesn't just sweat out of your goddamn pores while you're lying stoned on the couch (even Phillip K. Dick got up and typed stuff, however stoned he was).

    I've encountered this type and they're despicable, expecting something for their "artistic" souls while giving nothing in the first place. The artists I know--actual artists, who who make their livings from their arts--do a lot of work, daily. Since there's no 9-5 salary coming in, they've got to work extra hard to be able to pay the rent, 'cos if you don't work, you don't sell anything and you end up living in a refrigerator box down by the river.

    This guy is disgusting. I don't care how honest he is about his lack of motivation; fuck motivation and get a job while you work on your grand artistic fucking masterpiece, which will never be realised because you DON'T. KNOW. SHIT. Not everyone has to go to college to be successful, but in a competitive field where everyone else has a degree or two under their belts, plus apprenticeships and internships under successful filmmakers, and the like, the most this fellow's ever going to get is whatever he wins on America's Funniest Home Videos.

    God, I need a cup of coffee.

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  4. That guy needs a facebook fan page. I'd make one for him, but you know. Couch. Itchy nuts. Busy.

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  5. This guy would be perfect for my DIL. Oh did I tell you that being an Army wife is a huge job and she couldnt possibly get a real job... Oh and now she's prego and my son is in Iraq... for 16 months! (She got prego before he left..) Not alot of great thinking there between the two of em! Anyways she 'requires' 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep a day... oh hunny... that kid is not going to sleep 12 hours... its time to grow up and get a life. Its nice that you want to be a stay at home mom, and wife. But this aint the 50's hunny and its time to go get a job! The bank of "MOM" is now closed! Ive told my son if they were starving to death and his wife didnt have a job... there is no money from me!

    Ahh but I digress... she would rather sit on the couch and eat bonbons... oh and did I say she doesnt have a drivers license either... but she still drives illegally. Im hoping she gets caught. I know that's bad but maybe if they threw her in jail she might wake up. Actually once the baby is born and everyone gives the baby more attention than her... I think she might grow up a little. But then again you "cant fix stupid!" I wont even go into how she butchers the written english language!

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  6. This is one of the weaker posts, in my opinion. Yes, the guy's an unmotivated douchebag. But he's not particularly exceptional in that. His letter, while confirming he's a douche, isn't anywhere near as psycho as the people in previous posts.

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  7. As a vet-tech for 5 years, and a current veterinary student who will be a doctor in just over 1 year, I can say that her calling him unmotivated for not having big career aspirations is laughable. LICENSED vet techs make $20/hr high average at a good practice, but generally closer to $15. Also, she's not "going to college" to become a vet tech. She's going to a trade school (such as Western University) and attending a program that takes 1.5 years at the most.

    Yes, the guy is obviously a major douche bag who does drugs, doesn't have a driver's license, and does not have his sh*t together. But her judging him when she is not college-educated herself? If this loser managed to put together a half decent movie that went straight to DVD he would likely make triple what she does in a year. Nice to have the full story before you judge

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  8. Hey, Cash:

    But her judging him when she is not college-educated herself?

    Yeah. I'm not college-educated either, but I can honestly say that yeah, she was way more fucking motivated than this jackoff. So, you know.

    Nice to have the full story before you judge.

    Not that you have the full story either, since this guy wasn't crashed on your couch.

    Moving on from Cash, from the original letter:

    Because even though I might end up a complete and utter failure, the possibilty of success makes it worth the risk.

    Hang on, let's see that in slow motion.

    ". . . I might end up a complete and utter failure . . ."

    And again.

    ". . . might . . ."

    Yeah, I thought you said that. Good luck with that wishful thinking, dude.

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  9. Cash: So not fair. She wasn't getting on his case about how much dough he was making, she was getting on his case for not making ANY and not even trying while hiding behind this movie making fantasy. And then he tries to make her feel bad for wanting someone that wants to do something with their life -- that is just ass.

    I love when he says "I might end up a failure." Dude, you're already there, and it has nothing to do with you not going to college. He is so completely unaware it amuses me no end. I would have written like 3 lines of this and gone "Wow, now that I've said it out loud like that, I totally AM a loser."

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  10. I'm not college educated either but I still have WAY more motivation than Mr. Unmotivated. I don't need to know the whole story to read between the lines. The sad thing is he knows he completely worthless but still to damn lazy to do anything about it. Priceless!!

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  11. There is only one word to describe someone like Matt.
    LOSER

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  12. Hey Cash, the post says she's going to college to become a vet -- not a vet tech. It sounds to me that she did what you did -- became a vet tech to make some money and get some experience in her field while she's trying to finish her vet degree.

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  13. "Lynn is now a practicing vet tech" This is how the post ends, correct? It does not read, "Lynn is now working her way through college as a practicing tech in hopes of attending vet school." You do not go to tech school in between college and grad school in order to become a practicing tech while attending vet school. This is not the way it works. I never said she wasnt more motivated than this loser (she obviously is). I simply said that it annoys me when someone making 25k a year judges someone else for being "lazy" when they obviously have no major aspirations for their own life. I lived this life in between undergrad and vet school, and it's a shitty life that I'm astounded anyone would settle for (this is where the motivation comes in). If I'm misunderstanding the situation, then my bad - or rather the author's bad for not making it clear.

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  14. Oh please. Who cares if she's a vet or a vet tech? 25k/0 still = infinity. She had goals and was working towards them. He is a loser. Oh, but nobody understands, he's an ARTIST! Reminds me of the rap "artist" who was fired from his job at Burger King, due to his filmmaking "oevre" being posted on Youtube. At least that guy had a gimmick, and, for a brief time, somewhat of a job.

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  15. I would just like to mention (forget the coffee, now I'm on rum-and-coke and feeling much, much mellower) that there's a difference between "ambition" and "motivation"--and "work". Motivation gets you out of bed in the morning; ambition forms and drives you toward goals you haven't yet achieved. Work is what you do to achieve your goals.

    I am not an ambitious person; I have no grand career aspirations. I am content to do my 9-5 job because it pays the bills and it allows me to have weekends free to do as I like. My motivation? Keeping the rent paid, keeping food in the cupboards and fridge, keeping clothes on my back and having a little left over for hobbies and going out with my friends.

    My ambitions are low. Even with those low ambitions, however, if I had no motivation for getting up in the mornings--if keeping a roof over my own head wasn't sufficient to do it--what good would my ambitions be? I would lie around on someone's couch, stoned or drunk or both, and wonder why I never had any money to do the things I wanted to do. Would you expect that person to respect me enough not to break up with me? I wouldn't, unless, of course, I was stoned and had no fucking idea what real life was like.

    I don't care what this girl's education level is, or what she's doing for a living. The fact is that she's working, and not willing to let a slacker boyfriend lie around on the couch stoned while dreaming of making the next great award-winning film and doing piss-all to make it happen.

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  16. Woooooooow. You know, other artists, they actually make things!!! I know, new concept right? Totally radical! But hey, it worked for me!

    Also, does he know that you can get a film degree at college now? My roommate has one, and she's won a state film festival already. I was going for one, but there were too many douche bags like him in the department so I went for Art History and Anthropology instead. Incidentally, all the guys like him were the ones who wanted to be directors, and being as douchey as they were, they STILL got more work done.

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  17. >>You're working your way through college, and after x number of years, you'll graduate with a degree and find a job in your chosen field. I, however, have absolutely no idea what sort of time span I'm looking at. <<

    Translation: I'm perfectly happy to sit here and sponge off of you and talk about my grand plans. If you leave, I'll find another woman to sponge off while I sit here and talk about my grand plans.

    If I keep switching women, I can do this for the rest of my life!

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  18. Wow this guy reminds me of my ex so much.
    Of course my ex is a concept artist.
    We dated on and off for 7 years during jr. high and high school. He never did his homework because he didn't care about the classes, they were useless to him because he wanted to be an artist. I got a job as a bank teller my senior year of high school and worked hard in my classes so I could get into a good college and pursue a career in Archaeology/Anthropology. After we both graduated he sat around his house, not working and not going to school.
    I went to a good university out of state and was constantly encouraging him to get at least a part time job to support himself while he tried to make it in the art world. He couldn't because he didn't have a license and in my town you can't really go anywhere by walking without devoting at least a half hour to arrive to your destination.
    So I encouraged him to get his license. He couldn't because he didn't have money.
    So I told him to take some courses at the community college so his mom would start supporting him and he could improve a bit as an artist. I drove him to the college, sat with him and helped him with his application then drove him to our high school so he could have his transcript faxed right over.
    He got in, but never went.
    This went on for a year before things ended quite nastily. I still don't think he has a license or a job. I know he took art classes at one point but now he's back home, sitting in his room, drawing all day and making no money at all.
    And I feel sorry for him.

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  19. Speaking as a successful artist, A) you need to MAKE things, and B) you also need to be a business-minded person. Unlike this guy.

    I wouldn't call this a "psychotic" letter in the dangerous sense, but he's definitely wayyyy out of touch with reality which is scary enough. So let's call this a schizophrenic letter from men. ;)

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  20. While this guy fails for doing nothing with his life, his ex-gf fails for ever dating him and getting on his case for being who he always is. Disgusting failure all around.

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  21. Oh. My. God. This might be the most awesome thing I've ever read.

    "It's true that I do have a slight motivation problem. It's no surprise, I've had it for years. I am working to rid myself of it, but to tell the truth, it's kinda difficult. Actually, it's a pain in the ass."

    That just...blows my mind with its abstract awesomeness. I'll take one of those, please.

    [insert eye roll here]

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  22. Oh my goodness, time for a therapy session. For me, not this Iowa Master. I have to agree with other posters that this is a classic Master/Slave contract, one that hints of discussion between husband and wife before drafting (note the consideration that is not inherent for the male gender). So why do I need therapy? Because I am the only poster here who thinks this is just a weeeee bit HOT. I am a strong, intelligent woman but the thought of being the YOU in this contract, the one that the other strong and intelligent women here think is disgusting, totally excites me. *SIGH* Please don't ban me from the WWHM/PFLM circle!! Does anyone agree with me even a little bit?

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  23. Please ignore the "I'm a silly whore" post above and/or apply it to the post just before this. Ha ha ha ha ... AWKWARD!

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  24. *slowly...backing away....from the responses to this post...

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  25. Wow. This guy is a JOKE! I'm a senior in highschool with a passion for film making. I work so hard to get the right shots, to edit the video correctly and do all the things this guy claims to do. He's a disgrace and the reason artists dont get the respect they deserve! Film making requires not only a creative side but organization and motivation and good people skills. I really hope he doesn't plan on getting far because from what I can tell...he never will.

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  26. "Did you tell her that you couldn't be involved with anyone who does drugs because it might jeopardize your career in the medical profession? Because I gotta say(as a friend) ... that's just not cool. Putting career above people is not a nice thing to do. In fact, I believe it makes a very definite statement of character."

    This must be one of the most asinine things I've ever heard. Let's see if I've got this absurdity straight: It's OK to put one's ILLEGAL drug use above one's girlfriend, but it's not OK for her to do that with her CAREER. Check.

    "I believe it makes a very definite statement of character."

    Yes, it does: It says that she HAS character and you don't. What an idiot.

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